messin' with my eye candy
status check - humorously embarrassed
background ambiance - scanner (what else?)


what a gorgeous night. the perfect evening for walking down chuch street to get away for a few minutes. spring.


anyway. you know you do it too, so stop acting like you don't. you have someone that you see on a regular or semi-regular basis who just makes you smile. you giggle to yourself a bit and make sure that when you see him/her, you sit or stand a little straighter and try to look your best. you don't necessarily talk to the person often, but just knowing that he or she is out there keeps you on your toes and gives you something to look foward to, no matter how good or bad your day otherwise has been. it's the dopey, secret crush that's fun to have.


like everyone else, i have my own person who fits that description. i don't talk to him, but i try to smile each time i see him and give a dopey little sigh inside. while i'm always tempted to try to chat, i always talk myself out of it - i won't be witty enough, i won't have anything to say, yadda yadda.


the last time i found myself in such a situation, i was eventually disappointed - got to hang out a few times, which is a pro (not to mention a huge boost for my self-esteem) but found that getting to know the person really shattered the illusion. but one must admit - the illusion was pretty damn nice.


i don't want to ruin the fun of it now. older and wiser or older and more timid? either or.


i've grown so accustomed to the familiar sight of this fellow that, upon seeing a noticeable change today, i almost didn't recognize him. i didn't think much could improve something so lovely, but indeed, improvement has been made. almost makes me want to say something next time.


i said almost.


i don't know why, but somewhere in the middle of this pondering, i flashed back to a moment almost two years ago now (good god), when i was in a slightly similar situation and was convinced i'd actually say something about it. but didn't. and, now, i almost wish i had because really, i had nothing to lose.


it's amazing how the fear of potential mortification can disappear over time and divergent life paths.


but every once in awhile, i wonder if he knew.