anyone else?

status check - frustrated
background ambiance - still s.o., s.o.

ok, cross "spend the day with my mother" off the list. anyone else? who else is going to give me another day to do whatever the hell i want?

today just needs to be over - i just need to be able to go home, curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep.

apologies for the melodrama.

two days, baby.

status check - defiant
background ambiance - bushwalla radio edit in my head

after the worst start to my w.day in ages, i'm now feeling better - at least a bit, anyway. but i suppose i should be thankful, as it helped me figure out what i'm going to focus on over the next few days - as well as what i want to do during my vacation.

i've been struggling with my vaca plans, mainly because i feel i have too much i want to do and not enough time to do it all. while i'd normally feel inclined to just relax and do whatever, it doesn't really feel like a Vacation if i do that. and this is my first real work vaca, so i should add at least some travel into the mix, even if it's simply my semi-regular trek to bostonia.

what i've come up with is a tentative plan to be able to include most of my list of wants into the five days i'll be free from work. a few things had to be scrapped, whether due to time constraints (day trip to nyc) or due to stupid people (my proactive attempt at meeting up for coffee/drink have yielded no response - nipping disappointment in the bud, my ass). but most of it should be able to go on as i'd like.

i'm thinking SoVt thursday, then head down to massachusetts thursday night or friday. spend some time in bostonia, head back to vermont early sunday so i can relax with hometown people sunday and monday.

it might seem hectic, but i think it'll work. because, frankly, i want to do a lot (i'm not really one for the stretch out and relax thing. i've always been more of a Do-er).

i want to spend a day with my mother. i want to spend time with my flatmates. i want to vent to my brother, then forget all the bullshit while we cavort around boston. i want to pick strawberries and i want to enjoy vegetarian curry. i want to enjoy the chew-chew. i want to play frisbee by the waterfront and i want to play frisbee on the boston common.

and while i hope it works out with everyone else, at the same point, i have to focus on the fact that this is my vacation. and if schedules don't fit, i can spend time with myself. i'll have my camera, a notebook and a pen - worst case scenario, i'll still have a grand time.

that said, i hope people want to spend time with me too!

i'm feeling optimistic about it. and, canuck it all, i've earned it. particularly after the last few days.

p.s. while i am most certainly not a fan of the olsen twins, i feel a need to wish mary-kate the best of luck.

what the canuck?

status check - pissed off
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

i could vent here, but it would do no good, beyond occupying too much of the time that i could devote to other (more worthwhile) things. so instead, i'll just say this:

stupidfuckingassholedipshit
whathecanuckisyourproblem
iamworkingmyassoffanditisabouttime
forvacationalreadybecause
allyoupeoplearedoingrightnowis
pissingmeoffassholefuckyou
fuckofffuckedyfuckfuckfuck
andbythewayicannotstandpeople
whoarehypocritesandhavebadhair
andiamtiredofworkingmyassoffand
gettingdumpedonandwhydoionlyknow
fourorfivesanepeoplewhileiknow
amillionandahalfassholes.

ah. much better.

xoxoxoxo - v

sippin' on gin 'n' juice

status check - exhausted
background ambiance - "best week ever" (loving the cable)

just caught dominick m. from "lotr" saying some of the lines to "ice ice baby." somewhat fitting, considering the recurring themes this weekend. one of which seems to be "classic" music from the childhoods of my flatmates (yes, i can say flatmates now - yay!) and i. i've played dj this weekend, spinning (well, clicking) memorable selections from naughty by nature, dre & snoop, digital underground, marky mark, ice, and of course salt 'n' pepa. got in my workout through dancing. yeah yeah.

but i turn on the tv tonight and see dear merry bustin' out ice lines. we've been rocking out all day today to a live track from the pete fellow as he covered "baby got back." (note: i'd been looking for his version of "gin & juice" to play for chuck. i find "30 down" with teases of "gin & juice" AND "baby got back." i was in heaven.)

so basically, everything old IS new again. and just as rollicking as ever. although it's scary to realize just how much of "whoomp! there it is" you can remember 10 years after you last heard it ...

and yes, elizabeth turned old this weekend. i can say that, as i'm still a young, vibrant 23. not archaic at 24 like OTHERS ...

good god, i should sleep.

sin

status check - almost in weekend mode
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

i want to see sin. or, rather, "SIN: a cardinal deposed" the play being put on in arlington (mass.) through next sunday. based on the depositions in the boston abuse lawsuits.

can we take a hint?

status check - displeased
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

as someone who's always been scared of being attacked at the neck (yes, a weird thing, but one of my quirks), reading about another beheading in the middle east makes my skin crawl.

a war against the shadowy figure of "terrorism," corrupt (or at least untrustworthy) leaders and beheadings. that alone screams "get the hell out" to me.

goooooooooooood mooooooooorning vietnaaaaaaaaaaam ...

friday morning

status check - optimistic
background ambiance - radio (91x - thank you internet!)

and as she danced around her apartment, a smile on her face as she sang along to "rock the casbah" on the radio, she knew it would be a good day.

speaking of good music, check out rivers cuomo's profile on myspace. there are links to music, including his cover of "tomorrow" (yes, "annie").

kisses for damien

status check - pleased
background ambiance - who cares? t minus 4 minutes!

yet another reason why i love the fabulous damien rice.

wanderlust

status check - restless
background ambiance - same old same old

i haven't been feeling particularly well today. i've also been feeling ridiculously stir-crazy. as if i should be off going somewhere but am instead confined to the 8-hour workday.

early this afternoon, i realized why. i spent the previous three june 17's traveling, exploring and otherwise experiencing new things.

i was in vegas last year. vegas in 2002 (during the trip to utah). tom graduated high school in 2001 and i hopped onto a bus to make the trip to foxboro and my first full dave matthews band concert.

i've become trained to wander this time of year, but this year have no opportunity to wander. i hate feeling this sense of confinement.

per a request

status check - slightly tired
background ambiance - typical

it's been requested that i post more, so as to alleviate the presence of 15 comments on particular posts. it was requested laughingly and i laughingly oblige.

we have cable! the world may rejoice! friends shall be amused to know that the first things i watched were "the daily show" (for me), "dawson's creek" (in honor of michelle) and part of "the lizzie maguire movie" (in honor of elizabeth). more channels than we'll ever know what to do with are OURS! bwahaha.

i'm tired. i feel like it's friday, but i have today and another workday to get through before the weekend. the next days will drag, i know, because it's finally hit me that i'm going to be on vacation a week from today. five days in a row of whatever i want to do ... no real responsibility. ah ... just get me there!

i'll write something of substance next time - as for now, the brain doesn't want to function much, so i should reserve intelligence for writing stories.

in e-touch with the modern world

status check - ducky
background ambiance - still typical

as a heads up, i would like to announce that my former IM screenname is now officially fubar. to remedy this situation, i am reverting to a screenname i set up ages ago but never actually wound up using (because i was determined not to get the million comments about changing my screenname so frequently during the first few years of college. in retrospect, i admit it, the frequency of new names was ridiculous).

because aol has decided my beloved, named-after-a-david-gray-song screenname now does not exist after nearly four years of faithful IMing, i must say goodbye to the magdalena name. so now i'm using alternacoustic.

use it. IM love, please. merci.

(side note: you can tell it was ages ago when i set it up by looking at the buddy list. included we find all three brothers (think way back), a dead movie start clone AND the two musicians highest in my collegiate esteem. um, it's time to update. send me your screen names please, as i lost my proper list)

speaking of technology, we're getting cable and high-speed internet tomorrow. i may cry with glee and/or kiss the cable installer.

traitorous thoughts

status check - conflicted
background ambiance - typical

i feel like a traitor for even thinking about it, but the potential makes it tempting ...

in other news. i love the powerful confidence that comes with kitten heels and a new outfit. it might be superficial of me, but it makes a difference, dammit.

also filed under "love": the blissful expression on the face of a bicyclist i passed on the way downtown this afternoon, the waves on the lake, being comfortably warm yet perfectly cooled by the breeze, iced coffee, ridiculously tasty wrap sandwiches and singing along to the music blaring in my car at a stoplight (only to realize someone i know is trying to wave to me from the car next to me, which results in my turning five shades of red).

a beaucoup problem, calvin

status check - reflective
background ambiance - television (i cannot wait for cable on thursday!)

first things first - the quick description of tonight's show at avalon ('boston's premiere nightclub' and, in my opinion, ridiculously inferior to paradise. but i digress):

michael tolcher, averi, gavin degraw. let's be realistic here - while i thought i was initially drawn to the show because i thought it would be good to see averi playing with two bands i'd seen about six months ago. but the truth is that i knew it was the first time averi would be playing avalon. and despite the fact that i'm not crazy about avalon (understatement), i wanted to be there the first time the band performed at the next largest venue in town. experience and share in the moment, if you will.

i know, i know.

michael performed first and, i should note, has improved so much since the uvm gig. his stage performance is getting so much stronger - and, more importantly, his voice and music is starting to show. i was shocked to find myself dancing along to "mission: responsible" (i know, i was floored. although the classic rock tease near the end was a contributing factor as well). and his lead guitarist? just rocks with a lenny kravitz attitude that i love.

then averi. simply seeing michael on stage again would have made the trip worthwhile. they performed a pretty strong set - initially a bit slow, but they picked up the tempo and rocked out. i can't recall, however, any show in recent memory that hasn't included "flutter" - i did miss that. but having michael there for "numb" and "this liminal life"? wonderful.

gavin? eh. we left during the fourth song. it's the same as last time - why not just bring a bunch of people into a room and play "chariot" at full blast? same effect. wasn't feeling it. i just feel he's not trying to grow - he's the teenie flavor of the month and he seems content with that. harsh? perhaps. but it's how i see it. i didn't even want to wait to see if he woke up again after "let's get it on," if he did pull that cover out again, anyway.

so two good sets and a portion of an uninspiring set. whatever, i got what i wanted out of the night, so i was content. said hi to some of the guys in the band, was able to chat with michael a bit about how he's feeling. i continue to adore stu and said hi to chad.

the thing i've enjoyed most out of this extended weekend away has been the conversations i've been able to share with people. my brother and i were in stitches while walking from allston (grasshopper) to harvard square. i don't know how, but we managed to tie together idaho, parking garages, and the allston public library into a conversation that brought tears of laughter to my eyes. i've tried explaining it to someone already and couldn't do it justice. you had to be there.

(side note: turns out i've traumatized my brother - as he is able to quote 'ladybugs,' 'sidekicks,' 'boy meets world' AND 'summertime switch' - extensively. mainly because i made him watch them over and over while i was in junior high. he remembers details about them that i must have forgotten years ago. it's alternately frightening and hilarious to realize.)

michelle and i wound up discussing the introspection that always follows an averi show. it was nice to get a new perspective on things. but still exasperating as hell.

i guess what it really boils down to (god, i hate that cliche, yet there i go using it) is that i spend so much time thinking about brief moments in the past, when really i should be looking about the present. or perhaps i can think about how things could be in the future and just let them stay there. but i always have to wonder why the hell i can't just be my dumbass self and talk. why i look and feel foolish for awkwardly saying hi and then standing to the side. i never used to do that - what's brought it about? but the thing that is most frustrating is that i know it's not just me. and i can try to change things from my end, but i can't do anything on the other side. i just know i want to be able to be goofy again. i'm not just the quiet girl, you know.

cryptic? perhaps. but that last graf was primarily for my own benefit, and since i understand it, it's all good.

anyway, sleep beckons, i haven't made too much sense here and i have the return trip to burlingtonia in the morn. away from the hazy blue-gray skylines, back to the rolling green mountains.

sleep well, meine damen und herren.

i can do the frug. - rilo kiley

if i have to be at work at nearly midnight ...

status check - TIRED
background ambiance - jazz concert at red square!

... at least i can rock out to the sound of the jazz concert RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!

a little kid fantasy i never fully realized i had was fulfilled early this evening, as i rode in the front cab of a firetruck, sirens blaring, lights flashing and all.

one of the firefighters laughed with me later, as he described the huge grin that was on my face the whole time.

teehee.

ok, i'm going home. and going to bed, dammit. sleep well, kiddies. i know i (finally) will!

ithinkicanithinkican

status check - tired
background ambiance - typical sounds

i just have to keep reminding myself of the fact that i like being busy. but good god - i walk in this afternoon and am instantly innundated with "what's the progress?" "status check on this?" "what are you working on today?" "any word on that?"

hello there. how are you? i'm well, thank you for inquiring.

but such is life. i've been working hard lately, i'm tired, i haven't been sleeping well and it's starting to show. i've felt sluggish, a little out of sorts, not to mention dead to the world in the mornings, therefore making me a lousy (or at least laughable) flatmate to my 9-to-5er friend.

but the weekend approaches and i am looking forward to the adventures to come. i'll be able to recharge my batteries over three days' time, spending a long weekend within sight of my favorite skyline.

while i am not fortuante enough to be able to rock the red sox on friday, i'll get to shimmy and sing a bit to some music types come monday. gavin degraw and michael tolcher are still on the road together, but at avalon, averi will fill the second slot vaco occupied at uvm (see previous reference here). it'll be interesting (to say the least) to see how gd and mt's performances have changed in six months - and it will be fantastic to see michael back on sax for averi (although i hope dennis is there!).

most of all, however, i'm happy about the chance to enjoy boston for more than a brief day or evening. three days of relaxation, including further exploration of the city, the inevitable fantastic conversation with my brother, the hottest/best curry known to mankind and whatever else comes along. i plan to wander, i plan to take pictures of things and people i like and i plan to love the city as much as i can for someone who doesn't live there but visits so often she might as well.

viva bostonia.

and, finally, mraz's note to rkop regarding the "lost journal entry" rocks. word, man.

wonderfully put - as always, in that same conversational yet intelligent tone i enjoy so much.

the rotunda looks different on tv

status check - reflective
background ambiance - keyboard keys

i started to write this whole complex examination of my thoughts of washington, particularly the capitol. but it wound up sounding far too trite, so i axed it. instead, i'll simply say that the capitol looks ridiculously different on television.

an ode to writer's block

status check - grr
background ambiance - not enough keyboard clicking ...

you always manage to sneak up on me at the most inopportune of times. here i am, pleased to have something or someone fascinating to write about. i sit at my computer, stretch my neck and place my fingers on the keyboard keys.

nothing.

instead, i'm greeted by the realization that the descriptive phrases i hope to cultivate are trapped in some recess of my mind. some deep dark area that will only creep out with time. but considering that these words are on deadline, it might take forceful coaxing instead.

while there's never a particularly good time for you to strike, i'd prefer it if you tormented me on the little stories. the briefs or snippets that need to get done, but don't earn clip-worthy status.

but nooooo. you wait for the big stories. you strike when i try to write my novel. you attack me when i have something worthy of sharing, but am left without any sense of how to share it.

i try to beat you away with a walk. a quick look stroll through the office, perhaps a few minutes online. and when i return to my blank page, i am convinced that you've gone away. i can write and do that for which i am paid to do.

no matter how many times i leave, however, you're waiting there for my return.

i can do the frug

status check - peachy
background ambiance - rather quiet

it's always odd to run into someone you haven't seen/spoken to in years when you were once friends/classmates/etc. but at least then you can go through your list of mutual acquaintances or shared memories. the classic reminisce upon days gone by sort of deal. odd, but nice in its oddities - well, everything except realizing how old you've become.

but what do you say when you run into someone who hated you when you last saw/spoke to? and for whom you carry a shadow of animosity as well? the list of mutual acquaintances option is out the window, as most of the people you both knew well are also filed under either "yep, knew 'em, but i try to forget i knew 'em" or "hey, i was young and foolish, but then i went to college and learned better." and the few fun times were tainted by the multitude of backstabbing and deceit. any reminiscing makes you realize just how delusional you and everyone else were at the time.

in my case, you say hello, fearing that you'll suddenly revert to your scarred-teenage-girl mentality. you exchange pleasantries while realizing you aren't reverting to the way you were when last you interacted. instead, you see surprise and what you read as fear in the eyes that, in your memory, used to be filled with superiority and distain. and finally, you watch the person's back as the person retreats in the same way you feared you'd hurry away.

and then you feel great, happy to be unburdened with the hints of anxiety and anger that stayed with you over the years.

but you curse the fact that the surprise run-in killed the buzz you had from the drinks at dinner.

----------

in other news. while i might have felt like the past and present were blurring together this weekend, j.lo was keeping everything in perspective, getting married again. i was out of the loop this weekend, as i have no cable or internet at the apartment until the 17th (cable! i'm going to have cable!!!), but i'm glad she's keeping on her process of keeping off - systematically battling elizabeth taylor for the longest marital history.

it appears that saturday's red sox game is sold out, so now i'm disappointed. no dodgers for me. guess i'll have to catch them in l.a., right? plan b? how about averi? haha.

rock the vote's bus tour is coming to burlington and i'm quite pleased. i wonder if any musical performances will be tied in with it ... considering the lineup, it could be a win-win situation for yours truly. give it up for ben and jerry ...

and, finally, "keeping the faith" is a vastly understated movie. i was reminded of precisely how understated it is by my viewing last night.

ack!

status check - aghast
background ambiance - 6 p.m. news

has it really been FOUR (4) YEARS since i was a production intern at the playhouse? slaving away in the set shop during the days, running the lights or sound (or some other task) during shows at night, getting others to buy my underage ass drinks at opening night parties while trying to have some semblance of a social life outside playhouse (and failing)?

oh
good
god.

status check - lovely
background ambiance - really quiet in here

random notes from the end of a random week:

- the last few weeks have raced by so quickly that i can't keep track of when things actually happened. was the most recent averi show before or after fenway? did i re-read the jeff buckley biography before or after "the second assistant"? did i really live in the old apartment less than a week ago?

oy. it's all one big collage of moments capturing the craziness of "victoria - summer, age 23." such is life - always better than being overly bored.

- colorful walls make me feel so much more energized. i haven't had the opportunity to realize this in years, as college walls were obviously off-limits to paint, and my first two apartments featured while walls. now my home life includes lavender, rose and goldenrod. blissful.

- boston plays la next weekend and i am planning on attending the saturday game. averi is in manchester that night - anyone interested in a roadtrip/game/concert? and nomah might be back, no less!

- i'm super dork when it comes to old newspapers.

- jazz festival has begun. walking downtown will be so much cooler during the next week and a half.

- i'm over overanalyzing.

- i'm almost embarrasingly looking forward to seeing "harry potter 3." i know, i know.

- i love my new apartment.

- i'm going to now be productive for the last few hours of my workday.

- xoxox. v.

in lieu of brilliance

status check - a-ok
background ambiance - printer

since i'm tired, i have not the energy to come up with some attempt at wit. instead i will demonstrate that i have not fallen off the face of the planet by posting lyrics to a song i'm enjoying as of late. courtesy of the postal service.

'k, bye.

clark gable

i was waiting for a cross-town in the
london underground when it struck me
that i've been waiting since birth to find a
love that would look and sound like a movie
so i changed my plans i rented a camera and
a van and then i called you
"i need you to pretend that we are in love
again." and you agreed to
i want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and i want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
i greased the lens and framed the shot using
a friend as my stand-in
the script it called for rain but it was clear
that day so we faked it
the marker snapped and i yelled "quiet on
the set" and then called "action!"
and i kissed you in a style clark gable would
have admired (i thought it classic)
i want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and i want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
i know you're wise beyond your years, but
do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell
yourself to help you get by?

status check - relieved, exhausted
background ambiance - same old, same old

depending on your perspective, it's either over or has just begun.

either way, i'm exhausted - but the exhausted resident of a new apartment. lovely.

mornings and moving

status check - awake since 8 - hurrah!
background ambiance - quiet office sounds

i woke up at 8 am feeling surprisingly alert and ready to start the day. i suppose part of it was because 8 felt like a luxury after sunday's 5:45 a.m. alarm. when a marathon you're covering starts at 8, you wake up at what feels like pre-dawn. shockingly enough (most of all to me), i only consumed one iced coffee all day - and that was at quarter of seven at night. who would have thought?

the last two days have been breathtaking - which is perfect, as i've been working outside for both of them. i spent yesterday walking around the waterfront area while covering the marathon, catching up with newspaper types from home and interviewing runners after they completed their 26.2 miles (and no, i did not ask the "hey, how are you feeling?" question. i didn't want to be pummeled with a running shoe). after finishing the last of this weekend's packing, i headed to bed and prepared for another morning assignment - a press conference/announcement, also by the waterfront. grand.

as i prepare to write today's story (and look over the three that ran today), i realize that my day will be far from over once i put in my eight hours. i'm starting to move tonight and will continue the process into tomorrow. by tomorrow night, new place. i've never been so thankful to almost be out of an apartment.

so yes. goodbye may, hello june. about damn time.

and, since it's being offically observed today, memorial day. for the first time, i have someone to remember.

iso: advil

status check - headachy
background ambiance - oval opus

i came across this because someone else was in the throes of packing and decided to procrastinate. in honor of memorial day/weekend movers everywhere, i continue the thread. i've done more than enough packing today.
1) using band names, spell out your name
verve
incubus
coldplay
travis
oasis
rilo kiley
india.arie
aerosmith

2) have you ever had a song written about you? no
3) what song makes you cry? hallelujah (jbuckley's rendition)
4) what song makes you happy? anything jason mraz. although i should note that today i wound up feeling slightly better after singing along to "here i go again" at the top of my lungs - ala matty nay. but i whipped my head around, which made it hurt again. whoops.
5) what do you like to listen to before bed? my "journey to dreamland" soundtrack.

a p p e a r a n c e

height: 5'5 1/2. i've been told that half inch is important to note.
hair: blonde and growing. almost four months no cut. i'm amazed.
skin color: in need of more sunshine.
eye color: blue. darker blue than normal today.
piercings: ears.
tattoos: none.

r i g h t n o w

what color pants are you wearing?: dark jeans
what are you listening to?: oval opus
what taste is in your mouth?: diet sunkist
what's the weather like?: it feels warmer tonight than it did today.
how are you?: self-inflicted headache (see previous post) and tired. grumpy after packing all day.
get motion sickness?: no.
have a bad habit?: several i'm in the process of quitting (that makes it sound so much worse than reality. c'est la vie.)
get along with your parents?: yes, and better the older i get.
Like to drive?: so much i can't even tell you.
conditioner: suave intensives or something like that - using up the bottle pre-move.
book: just finished "the second assistant," getting ready to dive into orson welles.
non alcoholic drink: iced coffee
alcoholic drink: vodka cran.
thing to do on the weekend: anything but pack? generally, road trip and/or catch a concert. and spend time outside.

h a v e y o u

broken the law: i'm a badass.
ran away from home: does college count?
snuck out of the house: never had to sneak.
ever gone skinny dipping: nope.
made a prank phone call: yes, although the best was when i made a real call to college security and they thought i was pranking.
ever tipped over a porta potty: that's absolutely wretched.
used your parents' credit card before: for many a concert ticket, most recently mraz.
skipped school before: "it'll be a pleasure to have you in class." "it'll be a pleasure to BE in class."
fell asleep in the shower/bath: nope.
been in a school play: did i mention my collegiate theater concentration? with a british accent, no less. take that, bee-atch.

l o v e

significant other: nope.
sexuality: i love dorky fellows.
children: the other day i realized i wanted at least one little girl - i wanted to be able to share the wonders of judy blume, ronald dahl and the "ramona" series. it was rather unnerving.
current crush: i'm sick of having stupid crushes.
been in love: nope.
had a hard time getting over someone: story of my life.
your greatest regret: all things considered, none.
gone out with someone you only knew for three days: gone out? does actf count ("everyone has an actf story")? if so, yes.

r a n d o m

do you have a job: i'm a lois lane type.
your cd player has in it right now: decent exposure, vol. iii
if you were a crayon what color would you be?: goldenrod
what makes you happy: writing, music, theater.
who makes you happiest: ...
what's the next cd you're gonna get?: i know i'll pick up cds between now and then, but i'm looking forward to new rilo kiley (late july) and live mraz (august).

w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t

time you cried: i don't cry much anymore. but when i did, i was sick, exhausted at work and learned of the first real problems with psycho landlord.
you got a real letter?: uh ... yeah, y'all should work on that sending me mail bit ...
you got e-mail: about an hour ago.
thing you purchased: gum.
tv program you watched: can't even recall.
movie you saw in the theater: raising hellen.

y o u r t h o u g h t s o n

abortion: pro-choice.
teenage smoking: happens.
dreams: essential.
this survey: for procrastination purposes only.

...

status check - alone
background ambiance - silence

shortly after the previous post, i was packing boxes in the kitchen. i took a quick step backwards, preparing to turn and grab some odd or end to add to the box's contents, but instead slammed the back of my head into an open cupboard door. surprised and dazed, i dropped the item (fortunately, it didn't break). about an hour later, i was bounding down the stairs to the front door of my apartment when i slammed the front of my head into the door frame. at least i keep things balanced, even attempts at injury.

to add insult to injury, my delight about jake gyllenhaal on the cover of entertaiment weekly was soured when i saw that the indie film man of my dreams looked more the part of a hollywood sexpot wannabe than i'd hoped (clinging wet shirt, waterdrops and all - didn't do it for me). i took the hint, gave up packing and retreated to the movies for a couple of hours. thought about seeing "the day after tomorrow" to make myself feel better about things, but went the comedy route instead. i've heard the plot for tdat sucks - didn't want even my movie-going experience to be a disappointment.

it's one of those days. after the movie (raising hellen, by the way - cute flick and i love john corbett), i decided to snap out of my self-pity mode and talk to someone. i left messages on voicemails and briskly hung up after the couple of people who picked up informed me that they were going to be late for whatever they had scheduled for their saturday evenings.

so here i am, looking at my newly minimalistic living room, full of white and the angular lines of boses stacked. realizing my kitchen still despearately seeks my packing attention, fully aware of the dust bunnies calling for me in the corners of my living room. but wanting nothing more than to meet up with a friend, grab iced coffee and head down to the waterfront to swing on a bench. or maybe be my independent self and take to the waterfront with said iced beverage and my copy of orson welles collected works.

but i'm tired of being my independent self. i want someone to call me up and want to talk to me. i want someone to want to spend time with me. i don't want to seek it out anymore. it's exhausting.

regardless. i'm just wallowing - no point in that. i still have work to do. but it's so quiet here - quiet and white, two things i'm not overly fond of. while the world's still carrying on, people are out having fun and i'm just ... here. waiting for the hours to pass until the boxes are full. until i work tomorrow. until i move tuesday. until the throbbing of my head ceases and i can laugh about my self-inflicted one-two punch.

god, you'd think all i do is listen to emo, from the sounds of this angst.

in a few years, i'll be paying people to do this

status check - about to throw a temporary tantrum
background ambiance - live mraz (known today as my silver lining)

there's a reason why you conveniently forget what a bitch moving can be. i'm currently in the midst of remembering precisely why. and i am now throwing the inevitable tantrum that comes with moving. because i want to remember how much i hate moving for the next time i decide to move somewhere else. next time i will remember to only bring enough into a living space to fit into two boxes i can pile into my car and take to wherever else i wind up going.

disregard if you will, this is one of those "goddammit this is my blog and i can get pissed off in it for my own sake and fuck the readership" entries. i'll revert to my attempts at wit and insight next time.

try to sort through boxes. pack boxes. items don't fit. try to close boxes anyway. try to rearrange items in boxes. try to close boxes again. make boxes close by applying copious amounts of tape. try to stack boxes. move boxes from one stack to the other. realize the thing you really should have put in a particular box is sitting right in front of you. throw it in another box and accept fact that you'll come across item again in december. realize you don't care right now. try to label boxes. realize all of your labeling consists of "misc. breakable items." give up labeling boxes.

hope psychotic landlord does not try to repeat thursday action of entering apartment. realize you cannot take nap (not that you want to) because perhaps psychotic landlord will again enter apartment while you are asleep. return to boxes and process of determining which items you will need for last several days. realize you are content living on takeout as long as godforsaken boxes are packed and ready for move.

also realize you wish you could go to sleep (sans landlord entry) and wake up on wednesday, tucked into bed in new apartment, moving complete.

this fucking sucks.

enough whining, tantrum over. still have god knows how many fucking boxes to pack.

focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. come wednesday, i will be an official resident in a delightful new (to me) apartment, with two co-habitants. i'll be returning to the roommate power of three for the first time since i lived hundreds of miles away, in a building carefully watched over by the lone figure of a policeman, guarding the corner through day and night, sunshine and snow, with the same closed smile on his face 24 hours a day. it was admittedly a statue of a policeman, but i never had a single incident of crime in my little capital space.

new apartment. a little family of friends to share the days and evenings with. my reward for a packing weekend.

Sharing the small space with my friends is what makes a palace out of my place. Were I to move to a big house outside of the city I would be alone, with no kingdom to try to control. There would be no political power play over who gets the final say on the color of paint for the hallway. Who would I blame when the phone is disconnected or there is no hot water? Who would wish me good luck before I left and say “it’s good to have you back” when I returned?

indeed.

my blog's prettier than your blog

status check - amused (am i always amused lately?)
background ambiance - same old, same old

blogs are all the rage lately, at least when it comes to the puzzle of who writes them.

you should all feel relieved to know that i do nothing to conceal my identity in my writing. i am, and shall always be, clearly and unmistakably kate hudson.

of course.

first the washingtonienne buzz, now rance (note the link). rance is, according to the blogger himself and the subsequent news releases i've found today, a supposed a-list hollywood celebrity actor-type. he has a tripod account (tripod? who uses tripod for popular blogs?) and posts cryptic stories of being a celebrity on the west coast. his tales are now followed by a pretty large number of readers, while he's supposedly been approached by several liteary agents to write a book based on his posts.

the stuff is interesting to read and i'm sure i'll be following it on a semi-regular basis, now that i'm aware of it. and yes, part of me wonders who it could be - and if it's not some celebrity, i'm impressed by the ruse.

and the guest blog from grace is genius. switch orlando bloom in for eric bana and it's perfect.

but it shows that i've been blogging about the wrong things, that's for sure. a woman has a blog for a few weeks about her sex life on the hill and gets a book deal (according to the washington post). rance has his blog since december and is reportedly being approached to pen a book.

hello!?! here's a semi-interesting blogging gal (or, at least, a gal who's had some semi-interesting experiences in her time) who's been posting for over three years now ... where's my deal?

AND - the layout of my blog is a million times more pleasing to the eye.

contact my people (by clicking on the "write the writer" link, as i am my own people) - we'll do lunch and eventually peak at no. 1 on the times bestseller list.

perfect.

status check - wistful
background ambiance - voicemail love from dc

the one song i missed hearing at boston was "0% interest" - that is, the one song i'd noticed on setlists for the tour i was surprised/bummed to not find in the orpheum setlist.

i never said a word about it, yet paul magically knows to leave me nearly three minutes of that song from dar.

i sang along to the "our house," too. :)

xoxoxoxoxo

***edit: heard through the rkop grapevine that he pulled "older lover" off the shelf - if this is correct A) i'm giddy for paul and B) i'm cursing not having been able to go.***

priceless

status check - laughing
background ambiance - work noises

i love it. (hint: click on me)

extra, extra

status check - embarrassingly delighted
background ambiance - office

i may not have yet traveled around the country as much as i would like, but at least one of my stories has - kind of.

beth mentioned yesterday that she came across an ap-processed version of my movie theater wedding story in a different area paper. while having things from my paper put on the ap is pretty common practice, it was the first time i was made aware of the fact that something i'd reported on went up on the wire.

so i decided to dig around, see if it was anywhere else. and i was ridiculously pleased by the results.

the ap version of the wedding story popped up on news websites in (in no particular order): north carolina, ohio, florida, texas, new mexico, arizona, nebraska, hawaii, nevada, indiana, oklahoma, colorado, georgia, washington (state), kentucky, alabama, missouri, illinois, louisiana, minnesota, new york, and, to my utmost delight, california.

and fox news, but i'm not overly proud of that one.

i should note, however, that the condensed version ala ap features a lede i'd briefly thought about using. but i wound up passing on it so as to not seem overly cliched. and there are some other painful cliches that were added so as to condense the piece into newsbyte size.

nevertheless, i thought it was rather nifty.

here's a link to one of the ap reports - found on a san diego news site. at least part of me has reached that city!

***edit: please note the more complete version of the story (albeit still not entire), found in the boston globe. i'm such a dork sometimes.***

attn: miss michelle

status check - nancy drew-like
background ambiance - pete thurston, 30 down

i was looking around for something and wound up finding something different, but all the more appropriate!

to your khalil gibran/'the prophet' inquiry - the answer is yes.

i've got lyrics, i've got packing

status check - sleepy
background ambiance - mraz, flying my guilt over a quilt

while i'm incredibly happy about having a new lair to call mine and flatmates', i'm not a fan of going through the necessary motions that will get me to said new space. i always have this warped fear that i'm going to pack something away and lose it forever. a box that gets left behind or lost along the way ...

i want to have everything in boxes this weekend, then be able to just transfer my life from one space to another on (hopefully) monday and (definitely) tuesday.

by the way, i have lyrics to "for better or worse" - reading them, i'm not feeling quite as shocked as i did while standing inside paradise.

listening to mraz - if i click my heels three times, will i magically reappear in dc?

sex and politics

status check - thoroughly amused
background ambiance - 5.21.04 mraz show

where would i be without updates on humor from the inside the sordid world of our nation's capital? lost - or, at least not laughing as hard as i have this evening. i leave dc for a year and find out about all the fun i've missed. where to begin?

while lounging in the apartment with chloe back in the day, we joked about how amusing it would be to have a "real world" season in d.c. what would they do? where would they go? where would we sign up? well, according to wonkette, there will in fact be a d.c. season afterall - a loft space has been purchased. and in what neighborhood? adams morgan, naturally. perfect, i tell you. they'll get plastered and hit up pizza mart on many an occasion.

after discovering this, beth and i were laughing about the real world house we'd set up in dc-land. among the list: beth, myself, chloe, paul, anita and the senate staffer i always saw outside russell or while giving tours of the capitol. the seventh spot is still up for grabs - you know you want it. we'll submit the concept outline to mtv. let's make some television history.

but that's neither here nor there. the real fun comes courtesy of a fellow blogger. the newly infamous washingtonienne. fired from senator dewine's office for using senate equipment to post the short-lived chronicles of her sexcapades in politician-land. making up for her measily staff salary with the help of several sugar daddies - after all, who gets by on the salary alone?

in less than two weeks worth of blogging, she describes a life worthy of a cinemax special. threesomes, anal sex, adultry (but paid adultry, so that's obviously ok) and the realization that she's sleeping with six men. pretty typical fare, of course.

but it's the little things in the blog that amuse me so much. the (very true) observation that sidewalks in dc are not meant for high heels, meeting up with staffers at red river grill, downing pizza mart following a night of drunken debauchery. being the topic of observation (and, likely, conversation) at lunch with coworkers.

so at least part of the "staff ass" experience can resonate with someone who walked the same halls a year ago and lived to tell the tale.

but let's focus on the most important part. she only had to handle mail and answer the occasional constituent call? crikey - add the office greetings, moveon.org phone trees and tours of the capitol and then talk to me about working on the hill ...

inside the mind of a journalista

status check - productive
background ambiance - typical office banter

what a random, busy (thus far) kind of day. i knew i would be pushing my productivity limits, as i entered the office fully aware that i had two stories i needed to get done ASAP, one that i wanted to get most of the information for today so i could finish writing tomorrow.

ready, set - GO! our heroine starts a flurry of writing, taking occasional stops for the necessities - you know, breathing and all. first story was (finally) finished by the end of my first hour. filed the second story a little less than an hour ago. three of my key interviews for the final story are done, so i can start writing tonight, polish and add a bit more tomorrow. crazy to think i'm actually getting it all done.

courtesy of FF (fabulous flatmate) and starbucks, i'm also riding a caffeine wave. caramel caffeinated goodness and laughter - makes for an energized me.

i've been amused by my chatty interviews lately. i'm a shy girl by nature (which i've been working on, being a journalist and all), and sometimes have a difficult time casually conversing with people during an interview. particularly phone. don't ask me why, i have no clue.

but lately, they've been coming so much easier. today i discussed the wonders of san diego (which that interview knew from experience and i simply know from my dreams), as well as discussing iota with another. i've been chatting away all day, getting some great stuff for the stories and having fun with the conversations at the same time. win-win.

it helps take my mind off the fact that i would probably kill right now for the chance to hop on a plane, head to dc and hit up the dar show with paul tomorrow.

coventry is going to be ridiculous

status check - surprised
background ambiance - co-workers, also surprised

for those who can't get to the "announcement from trey" on the phish website ... phish will be done, broken up, finished, finito after the coventry show(s). which means the festival is going to be insane.

he specifically states that this is not like the hiatus. phish will cease to be.

huh.

this concludes my public service for the day.

office exile

status check - focused
background ambiance - office, but i must tune it out

if i make it through this week, i must celebrate in some manner. i'm swamped with work (which makes for a productive me) and i'm off limits to daily work for the week. that is, i'm working on the projects i must work on and am not supposed to think about anything else. i don't care if a 747 crashes on church street - i'm in the zone.

but before i put on my blinders to the outside world, some lyrics i'm digging. courtesy of ms. toby lightman. consider it my plagarized rebuttal to "for better or worse," in an if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now sort of way.

don't wanna know

you're no less than perfect
but you're much more than real
you're untouchable
how does it make you feel

and i'm waiting in line to be near you
and i can't believe my eyes
the kisses are all blown to you every time

chorus:
but i'd rather leave you
than see through the fantasy
and i'd rather stay shy and get high
on what could be
i don't wanna know what you do, where you go
i don't wanna know, who you really are

a glistening smile
a twinkle in your eye
well i can smile like that
just give me a try

and i've traveled around just to hear you
and your songs don't leave my mind
so tell me what should i do
to get you to say hi

[chorus]

and i've traveled around just to hear you
and your songs don't leave my mind
so tell me what should i do

[chorus]

home sweet home (warning: long)

status check - tired, but in a good way
background ambiance - typical office sounds

i admit it - i wanted to meet mraz thursday night. as i stood outside the orpheum, basking in a post-amazing-concert glow, i wanted to be able to say hello, perhaps shake his hand and just tell him that i thought he brought a brave, wonderful concept to stage in a glorious manner. i shortly realized that he was inside, saying hi and signing things and i didn't have a way to get back in and get in line. opportunity missed, slightly disappointed me. but i'd deal - especially as dealing involved chatting with some kickass people and observing the star-dazed fans pouring out of the theater swooning from their brushes with mraz. i was having a fine time dealing, actually.

yesterday, however, confirmed the hints of doubt i possessed about meeting someone i like/appreciate/admire while they're doing that which they do.

so i'm at my beloved fenway, perched in my seat waaaaaay down the right field side (unbeknownst to me, 30 rows or so behind the seats from where john kerry would shortly watch the game - vermont day at fenway will be, mark my words, the closest kerry comes to visiting vermont during this campaign). we'd just arrived, about an hour before gametime, and i was reading my copy of the phoenix (love), pouring through a review of an intriguing-sounding play ("popcorn," for those curious readers). my father and i decide to go pick up some snacks for our little party and, upon making our descent to the concourse, see a mass of ball-waving kids running to the red sox dugout. turns out bronson arroyo (read: the young new starting pitcher who looks a bit like james dean, plays guitar and pitches pretty well) was signing. aw, screw it. i grab my ticket and head over to join the kids and middle-aged women (i kid you not. i was not alone - i was young compared to some of these smitten kittens).

a girl, probably about 10 years old or so, stood to the side of the group, holding her pink red sox baseball but unwilling to get into the mix to get an autograph. she reminded me of myself when i was that age - long blonde hair and all. her mother was trying to convince her to push forward a bit, but was having no luck, so i led her in front of me and helped politely get her to the front. he signed her ball and then, a few people later, signed my ticket. good times.

he stayed out there for ages signing, which is fantastic. but he never looked up. so while i was pleased to see a young player getting out there and meeting the fans, he reminded me of why i'll never be an autograph seeker or anything like that. sure, i have some signed items - sports cards from my youth, concert posters or cd jackets from college. but i don't want to meet someone and have the only focus of our minute together to be making sure someone spells my name right.

which segues back (in a somewhat rambling manner) to mraz. i don't want to meet him as i stand in a crowd at a show, jockeying for his attention so he can look my way, say hi, then look to the next person. so, in my own sort of random way, i don't want to meet him - at least not in that capacity.

he's the kind of person i'd like to say hi to. i'd like to think that, had i met him thursday and had the chance to chat, i'd have asked him how he's been feeling about how the tour's going. i'd ask him who did the amazing cinematography for the video display and who came up with the idea for the transition between makana's set to raul's - and note the theatrical element in that transition that made my theater critic/former stage manager self incredibly happy. i'd ask him about how his writing's going (or ask him on tips for dialogue - ha!) or i'd just ask him how he's doing. no autograph, no photo, no anything else.

i'm not the kind of person who likes someone or wants to meet someone because he or she is famous. while there were many people at the orpheum show who feel the same way (i'm sure), there were certainly many people there who wanted to meet him/love him/have his baby because he's famous - the people who freaked over "you & i both," but not "halfway home." the people dancing to "the remedy," but were talking throughout "flying my guilt over a quilt."

they can have the post-show meet and greets because (and perhaps i'm just being an elitist for saying this) they need to have that photo op or signed poster because they make the show worthwhile. i now have an autograph from bronson arroyo. do i know him at all? did he even look at me? nope.

i have never met mraz. but i've read his writing, listened to his music and have seen him in moments of silliness, vulnerability and expertise. and the image i have in my mind of him leaning back to wail on a note in "halfway home" will mean more to me than any autographed ticket.

ok, now i'm off my soapbox and back to reality. autograph tangent aside, i have had a great half week. the trip to boston (take one) was a blast, with a stunning show, good travels and reunions with friends both expected and unexpected (i'd gone two years without a christopher hug and almost forgot how great they are - and he's the only person i'd ever let call me victory). i was again reminded of how much i love boston (and, we discovered post-show, one of the buses was branded with the bos stickers distributed for the show). i rocked for a remedy and want to help out further. i met some cool people and laughed at others.

returned (briefly) to burlington for work and nectar's. love what they've done with the place during the remodel - i'll actually go there on a semi-regular basis now, i daresay. ryan montbleau was a grand first new nectar's experience - the sit-down, casual "hi, thanks for coming, pick up a cd, they have my name on them and all" style to the performance was a nice juxtaposition to the previous night's casual-but-big performance. check him out before he gets big - he's worth it.

saturday's return was marked by incessant teasing, a stop at richardson's for the best sorbet in the world, lounging around and then, come sunday, the red sox's domination of the toronto blue jays. wakefield pitched well, while ortiz led the offense. orlando hudson (the one blue jay i wanted to see play) was injured early on, while the toronot bullpin struggled to find someone - anyone - who could halt of boston's steady offense. john kerry was there, but we didn't know until afterward - and i still don't particularly care. wasn't impressed in d.c., why would i be impressed in boston?

and thus i'm back, where i'm happily drowning in a sea of new music and ready to settle down into the same place for more than a couple of days at a time. my purse is adorned with my pair of buttons - mraz's "i <3 sex" and pete's "pete thurston thinks i'm hot." because to top off all the fun, my san diego musical package arrived and i have pete goodness to enjoy. with "leap before i look," ryan's "begin," raul midon's "limited live edition," toby lightman, a decent exposure compilation (vol. 3), howie day's "extras," and jump's latest (not to mention several books) i've got more than enough to keep myself occupied.

not bad for five days.

"you make me smile."

status check - happy
background ambiance - a concert repeating in my head

i'm likely to replace this post with something more descriptive when i think of it, but for now - i'm back.

at a random moment during last night's show at the orpheum, jason said into the mic, "you make me smile."

he made me smile. as did raul, makana, rkop'ers, christopher (!!!), michelle, my fellow drivers on the open road and anyone who appreciated the little things about last night's performance more than the fact that he played "the remedy" and "you & i both" (hint: the little bounces and head bobs, the honesty in his banter, "super secret" manuscript switch, and the inclusion of "god moves through you" and - happiness - "halfway home," - these qualify as great moments).

what a lovely trip.

p.s. get thee to nectar's tonight. ryan montbleau. if my should-be-exhausted self is going to be there, you should too.

three cheers for michael!

status check - elated
background ambiance - the television

MICHAEL IS BACK!

i didn't realize just how worried for him i'd been until i saw the posts on the averi site - and promptly squealed, "MIKE'S BACK!!!" and thoroughly started beth, who was already in shock that i was awake - before 8 a.m., no less.

a better-than-even-expected start to a crazy and grand few days. he posted a very in-depth explanation of what he's been going through - be warned, it's not for the squeamish.

but so good to read something from him, as opposed to the periodic updates from his bandmates at shows and whatnot. so happy to read he's doing better.

.perfectly appropriate.

status check - amused
background ambiance - silence - but GO SOX!! (muted game)

lyrics recommended from the west coast. from the soundtrack of my life.

dear landlord,
please don't put a price on my soul.
my burden is heavy,
my dreams are beyond control.
when that steamboat whistle blows,
i'm gonna give you all I got to give,
and I do hope you receive it well,
dependin' on the way you feel that you live.

dear landlord,
please heed these words that I speak.
i know you've suffered much,
but in this you are not so unique.
all of us, at times, we might work too hard
to have it too fast and too much,
and anyone can fill his life up
with things he can see but he just cannot touch.

dear landlord,
please don't dismiss my case.
i'm not about to argue,
i'm not about to move to no other place.
now, each of us has his own special gift
and you know this was meant to be true,
and if you don't underestimate me,
i won't underestimate you.

- b.dylan

off to prepare for a whirlwind roadtrip.
xoxoxoxo - v

'grown up' summer and fenway fancies

status check - delighted
background ambiance - phone messages re: phish

when i was younger, i couldn't imagine summer as a full-fledged adult. as a child, summer was meant for playing and relaxing - no cares in the world other than summer ball and the like. once i hit working age, summer meant shifts at mcdonald's - working a night shift, hanging out with my little disfunctional group until 2 or 3 a.m., going home, sleeping until noon. once college hit, it was work, save money and take short road trips for concerts until i was able to return 'home' to my collegiate family.

even last summer, my first summer as a collegiate graduate, was marked by a sense of 'what now?' things were still in transition.

this summer finds our heroine experiencing the sensation of being settled for the first time. i've got the job, the apartment (granted, that's changing in 13 days, but still) and the realization that summer is a warm series of workdays and weekends, not the break in action it has previously been.

to my surprise, however, i'm digging grown up summer. meeting up with friends for brunch or lunch and laughing beneath the shade of a patio umbrella. watching people walk by on church street and realize that this stretch of businesses is my area - after years of collegiate wishes that i had the time to be on church street, i'm now there every day.

the anticipation of events to come - concerts, minitrips, baseball games and the like - and the happiness of knowing that i have a group of people around me whose company i enjoy - and who, in turn, enjoy my company. knowing i can always stop by nectar's for a drink or a concert without having anything else i need to do that night, knowing that i'll spend most of my workdays writing something interesting and learning something new.

this summer will be one of the first that won't serve as a break - instead it's a continuation. and i'm looking forward to it.
---------
in other news. my first fenway game of the season - sunday's vermont day - against toronto! ignoring the fact that i'm driving to boston tomorrow, to vermont friday, then back to boston this weekend (at least then i'll be able to curl up in the backseat and sleep). i'm too excited about my first game of the season to care.

so i've been told ...

status check - good, groovy, peachy keen
background ambiance - various background

did you know i'm the best?

haha - neither did i. but i'll take it.

sad, sad world

status check - annoyed and/or disgusted
background ambiance - television, "superstar usa"

i used to like brian mcfayden. i admit it. like many others, i was impressed by him when he made his debut as a personality on mtv. i stopped watching, he disappeared. he reappeared on the arm of one of the hilton sisters (nicky, maybe?) and i still thought, "hey, he seemed cool, so it's all good."

but i'm rather embarrassed to have thought him decent. this show, set up to tell someone they're the worst singer in america, is horrible. i'm even disgusted that vitamin c (who isn't at the top of my favorites list anyway - damn your graduation song) is on it. what the hell is this?

anyway. i was also wondering what the hell was up with hearing nothing about "strip search" until i caught it on television last night (i can't WAIT for cable). the premise: two similar situations. an american student (maggie gyllenhaal!) in china and a muslim student in new york. both are brought in for interrogation. the same script is used for either plot.

i thought it was provoking and gripping - disturbling as hell, but i couldn't stop watching. but where's the press? oh wait, hbo pulled all the press on it. stupid, cowardly move.

and, to top it all off:

JIMMY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

but on the other hand, i think i've heard one of the best musical movie reviews yet.

and finally, because it's all about me, me, me:

[three words that sum you up]: hidden, driven, silly
[jewelery worn daily]: earings of some sort, rune (communication) pendant, cladagh ring.
[wallet]: simple, black.
[coffee]: black, a couple of splendas, iced.
[shoes]: sandals, sneakers, professional if i have to be.
[cologne/perfume]: orange.
[clothing you have on]: pink shirt, dark charcoal pants.

—MIXED QUESTIONS—
[wishing]: for a good night's sleep.
[after this]: sleep.
[talking to]: you.
[eating]: popcicle.
[some favorite movies]: donnie darko, almost famous, lotr, old hollywood musicals.
[something you're looking forward to]: boston on thursday.
[last thing you ate]: popcicle ...
[something you’re afraid of]: not falling in love.
[if you could have any animal as a pet]: not sure.
[cities you wouldn’t mind moving to]: boston ... or other places i haven't been to yet.
[some favorite foods]: mexican, apples, veggies, hop sing.
[something (or someone) you wish you could understand better]: the list is endless. um ... reality?
[miss someone you haven't seen in a long time]: daniel, christopher, paul. ok, one of the three makes sense ...
—DO YOU...—
[like candles]: very much.
[like company]: yes.
[believe in soul mates]: i'd like to.
[believe in love at first sight]: no. but yes to lust.
[believe in forgiveness]: yes. but not forget.
[want to get married]: yes.
[want to have kids]: i think so.
[ever want to adopt kids]: perhaps.

—IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...—
[cried]: yes. but it was from laughing too hard.
[bought something]: yes.
[gotten sick]: not this monday, thank you!
[sang]: yes. very loudly.
[eaten]: yes.
[been kissed]: no.
[felt stupid]: yes.
[wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: no.
[talked to an ex]: no.
[talked to someone you have a crush on]: no.
[had a serious talk]: not really.
[missed someone]: yes.
[hugged someone]: yes.
[argued with a parent(s)]: no.
[dreamt about someone you can't be with]: no.
—SOCIAL LIFE—
[best girl friend(s)]: beth, becca, paula, michelle.
[best guy friend(s)]: tom, paul.
[boyfriend/girlfriend]: no.
[hobbies]: writing, singing, reading, laughing.
[pager/cell]: i swore i'd never become a mobile whore. oh well.
[are the you the center of attention or a wallflower]: depends.
[car you drive]: it is the red farewell tour, baby.
[would you rather be with friends or on a date]: friends.
[job]: journalista.
[attend church]: only when i'm further condemming myself to hell.
[like being around people]: depends.

—PERSONAL—
[who is your role model]: don't have one.
[pet peeves]: selfishness, showboating, mindgames.
[ever liked someone you can't be with]: hi, welcome to my life.
[ever wanted to get revenge on someone cause they hurt you]: naturally.
[cried over the opposite sex]: naturally.
[your favorite physical appearance]: my eyes.
[are you happy with yourself]: eh.
[what plans do you have for the future]: too many to count.
[who do you really hate]: fame mongers who haven't earned it in the first place? i'm not much of a hater.
[who's your most trustworthy family member]: my brother.

Abortion?: pro-choice.
Death Penalty?: against.
Alcohol?: within reason. but i now protest the existance of kamakazi shots.
Marijuana?: apply same standards as alcohol, already. whatever.
Other drugs?: troublemakers.
Gay marriage?: good call, massachusetts.
Illegal immigrants?: tricky call.
Drunk driving?: stupid move.
Cloning?: still deciding.
Racism?: against.
Premarital sex?: do what you will.
Religion?: condemned (reality: not sure).
The war in Iraq?: ANTI.
Bush?: great set at woodstock. oh, i mean ... anti.
Downloading music?: those i know OK it and/or those i have purchased/will purchase from.
The legal drinking age?: should be 18.
Suicide?: is tragic.

monday, monday.

i absolutely despise the feeling of starting a week behind the ball. i feel sluggish and tired and just want to be able to snap my fingers and accomplish everything i've resolved to do - professionally, personally, etc.

which means it is time to break things down into little annoying lists so i can track the progress i make through this afternoon, this day, this week, etc. no more lounging around.

i am not going to accomplish things unless i start actually working at them. break it all down, then start rebuilding.

i'm forever loyal to john cusack for '04

but you do what you have to do. hint - click on me.

neglect

status check - groovy
background ambiance - television (CABLE!!)

while the rest of the world (much of it, at least) prepares for tomorrow's workday with typical sunday evening dread, i'm kicking back, SoVt style.

i'm at the parentals' home, as the golf tournament my father organizes each year kicks off tomorrow. figured i'd lend a little support and help calm his jitters, as i'm not due at my employment locale until the afternoon. heading "home" for the weekend provides the additional bonus of laughing with two of my favorite people (and having someone taking care of me - how can you go wrong?). works for me.

today has been a day of necessary tasks. cleaning out the abyss-like trunk of my car. organizing. planning. writing - all the neglected necessities i've overlooked recently. it's felt good, accomplishing each item on my imaginary checklist before moving on to the next item. i've even thrown in a couple of randomly fun items (make new mix cd - check. get back into pilates - check.)

i was rewarded with more than simply the feeling of completed satisfaction. the treasures i unearthed from my car were amazing. my long-lost copy of rilo kiley's "takeoffs and landings"? my sign language sweatshirt? "jasonmraz live"? jump and vaco albums? all hiding there, waiting for me. happy reunions were had.

while i prefer "the execution of all things," hearing the first, ever-so-familiar notes of "go ahead" made me grin and wonder why i hadn't stumbled across rilo kiley sooner. anyone know when "more adventurous" is scheduled to come out?

xoxoxo - v

p.s. petition for elliott.

p.p.s. caught a viewing of "troy." peter o'toole can do more with his eyes alone than most younger actors can dream of doing overall. his performance saved the film for me. talk about honor ... otherwise? bana was great. pitt preened about - occasionally acted. i love sean bean. orlando did a decent job, although the chemistry between paris and helen was nonexistant. the omission of the gods - very poor decision. overall - not bad, not great.

a day of randomness

status check - present
background ambiance - mraz, "galaxy"

i've been searching for an envelope that holds my new checking card so i can stake my claim for .pete. items. i have been able to find everything else i possibly own/possess, but cannot find said envelope. i realize now, however, that i must abandon my search to prepare for my day, which includes purchasing something remotely summer dressy, as i am attending a wedding this evening. a wedding between two people i've never met, being held at a cinema. and i feel a need to dress at least passingly appropriate for the occasion.

meanwhile, i'm periodically casting glances at my cell phone to confirm that it still hasn't rung and continuing to play research girl so i can learn everything i never thought i'd need to know - until i realized i needed to. the apartment walls are bare and blank, which always throws me for a loop. and i'm listening to jason mraz, although the realization hasn't sunk in yet that a week from this moment, i'll be on the new hampshire highways, returning from a whirlwind trip that included witnessing a solo mraz performance within the limits of my favorite city.

the surreal nature of the day does not escape me. yet it's so random that i can't help but smile.

if there's one thing i can say about this past week, it's that it has been filled with the unexpected.

???

status check - puzzled
background ambiance - silence

my cell phone rang a little while ago, but the caller did not leave a message. when i searched the number online (because i'm curious like that), the listing was for my junior high and (most of) high school principal.

you tell me - i have no idea.

battles on the homefront, onscreen

status check - determined
background ambiance - averi, "bounce"

"you don't mess with a journalist and political type. baaad move."

i'm not one for confrontation. in fact, i'm known to do anything i can to avoid it most of the time. it's screwed me over in the past, but i'm not letting it now.

as my flatmate and i embark on this "we're sticking by our guns" mentality, i'm finding myself looking forward all the more to "troy" - for some reason, i'd managed to let it drop off my radar screen lately, with all the businesses, local focus and then illness. but now i'm gearing up for it. while i've never really understood why the concept is always that paris "stole" helen (let's face it, i've always thought the randy girl ran away with him, wasn't like she was bound and gagged), the story, like much of mythology, always interested me.

and yes, i'm looking forward to seeing orlando bloom in a new movie - sans blonde wig or swashbuckling gear, no less (note: i say this, but thoroughly enjoyed both the LOtR trilogy and "pirates of the carribean"). just a skirt this time.

good god, "the calcium kid" needs to come out in the us so i can see him in a contemporary film already.

if you're faced with life and love or death and honor, what would you do? everyone would like to say death and honor - at least as a guy - but paris chooses love and life ... it's an intimidating thing, to make an audience understand what you're doing - so they don't completely loathe you. - o.b.

side note: i admit it, i'm a dork like this, but i love reading reference to upcoming news and knowing, at least partly, what a bit of the news is. funny how i can remember that, but i shockingly forget other things ...

and, on a somwhat related note, i'm happy to report that i'm feeling much better today. rejoice ...

murphy's law

status check - frazzled 'n' frustrated
background ambiance - tv

"don't worry about it, you'll be fine and you didn't do anything wrong. but welcome to being an adult."

it never fails. all the shit goes down the one day i'm not in the right frame of mind to deal with it.

silver lining: could have happened yesterday.

where's the healthy switch?

status check - better, but not great
background ambiance - birds

all i've done for the past day and a half is sleep. to the point of knowing there's no possible way i could sleep more. but my body feels so tired that i drift off for another hour, lulled by the gentle whir of the fan and a manufactured cool breeze on my face. and thus the cycle continues.

but it's time to rise and prepare for work, to face the world that has been sunny, warm and gorgeous during my hiatus from consciousness. perhaps i'll perk up once i'm outside. perhaps i won't feel these lingering sensations of illness. perhaps i won't feel tired, rest my head and close my eyes again.

p.s. it just dawned on me that i'll be seeing mraz live in eight days. where did the time go?

get away from me, i'm dying

status check - sick
background ambiance - chirping birds outside

when i woke this morning, lifting my head seemed ridiculously difficult, let alone actually moving my body. somehow, i managed to do both with relative comfort. in my car, on the way to something i was supposed to cover, reality finally set in. i felt horrible, to the point of turning the car around, driving home and collapsing into bed. i was officially in need of my first sick day as a writer - really, my first sick day in ... ages.

i wasn't feeling on top of the world yesterday, which i think contributed. i have been feeling tired, rundown and stressed.

i was able to pull myself together for the nectar's-no-metronome-at-eight-no-ten show last night. it wound up being a ridiculously fun time.

graham colton scored major points during averi's set by walking around to all the tables, introducing himself and thanking us for coming. i thought that was a very cool move and wanted to like his music all the more because of it.

averi's set was good, although it was the first time i was seeing them without any form of sax. beth and i were singing the sax part from our table in the back (it was so loud there no one else could have heard - was it always that loud?).

we rocked out near the front of the stage for a bit of graham's set but eventually missed much of the set because we were feeling chatty. my good impression of dennis was confirmed by fun conversation and laughs, while i just adore stu. i still don't know how matt wound up buying that round.

but now i'm paying for it. a night out + not feeling well anyway = sick vickie.

ugh. i'm going back to bed.

nursin' the noggin'

status check - desiring drugs
background ambiance - a marching band in my head

beth was telling me yesterday about a strip from "shoe" that referred to a writer lamenting the writer contractions - "they're only two minutes apart!"

well, today i obviously have my story ready to crack through my skull and onto the page because my head is throbbing. the right side hurts, which obviously means it will be a creatively written masterpiece (so i hope).

it's time to unleash the words, get them onto the page, then find the world's largest bottle of alleve. my headache WILL be cured by this evening.

ow ...

of course

status check - pretty good for a monday
background ambiance - phones, interviews and scanner

as i drove to work today, i passed nectar's and wondered how they could possibly have a show there this evening ... it would have to be a show where the paint is literally drying on the walls, as the windows are all still covered up.

as i walked past, i saw a sign that, i believe (didn't stop to read) said that the show had been moved to metronome.

just a heads up and a chance to me to laugh. averi at metronome. almost like old times.

no living in a box this year

status check - elated
background ambiance - "survivor" interview on tv

for those anxiously awaiting the latest word on the great apartment search ...

while enjoying tomorrow night's show, we will be celebrating. we have the apartment.

despite my attempt at sounding calm here, trust me - we were squealing and jumping when we heard. this place is fantastic and i'm so excited to move.

well, ok, excited to be in a new place. not so much the moving part, per se, but the being in a great new place with two delightful flatmates.

hurrah! thanks for the positive thinking!

mix it up
status check - relaxed (and/or bored)
background ambiance - pete thurston, comfortable (yes, a mayer cover)

as i've spent today recharging myself (as i've drained my batteries over the past several weeks), i decided to do something at least remotely productive. in weekend mode, that means downloading live shows and expanding my musical horizons. what did you think i meant? found the meaning of life?

with the new (or comparatively new) music i've acquired, i also downloaded some more of my favorites. among the bushwalla goodness and matty nay love, i also downloaded a couple of shows from my favorite westie chum but imagine my surprise to listen to the live goodness and hear an unexpected cover thrown into the mix ...

the show's back in '02, but he covers mayer's "comfortable," a song i hadn't heard, in any form, in well over a year, probably closer to two. it was always one of my favorite mayer songs, but after the whole sold-out-crowds-i'm-jamming-on-neon-for-twelve-minutes-at-lupos experience and the split of mayer into two separate musicians*, i haven't listened to much mayer at all, whether good (inside wants out days or paradise show days) or evil ("clarity" or - wait - anything off "heavier things" other than "wheel").

so i was more surprised than i'd expected to be smiling and singing the harmonies to pt's version as i listened to it. it was nice to hear the song prefaced by remarks about the funny decor of the room in which it was played and hear the sound of chairs scraping against the floor. you don't hear that at mayer shows these days - all you hear is the collective audience roar. blah.

i actually really liked the version. who knows, perhaps i'll go through my old cds and find my burned copy of "inside wants out" and give it a listen for the first time since maybe just after college.

ok, maybe i'll just listen to pete's version every once in awhile. let's be realistic.

------------------------------------------

* for our newer readers, i should offer an explanation about the mayer bit. (for older readers, restating the well-established. feel free to skip)

i first listened to john in late 2000, when (yes, i admit it) i found an mp3 of "victoria" on napster (thank god for slightly narcissitic tendencies every once in awhile - dammit, there are never good victoria songs!) and, after listening, promptly downloaded everything i could find.

a few months later, michelle and i were djs for a campus radio show and i decided we should interview john for the show when he performed at higher ground in february (opening - for glen phillips, no less. this is waaaaay pre-band). we then held what i still consider one of my favorite interviews ever. that june, i saw him play paradise with howie day and he continued to rock. this was with dela. oh, and he remembered meeting us, for which i loved him.

anyway, saw him in feb. '02 at lupos (rip) and it sucked. he'd become more popular and the place was packed, he had the full band and it was just layer upon layer of unnecessary sound covering up the lyrics and voice i'd grown to love. then the whole superstar thing happened and i've only seen him once since - co-headline show at SPAC with counting crows. and the only reason i was there was for c.c. mayer sucked. he tried rapping.

so i have this theory now. there's old mayer and there's new mayer. i love old mayer - the charming guy who philosophically discussed the creative essence of count chocula and chatted with me about our mutual love for david gray (and later played a bit of "babylon" for me during soundcheck). the guy who posed for a photo at paradise and said, "just say i started playing 'wanted dead or alive' and things got way out of hand."

new mayer is fine, i suppose, but i don't see what all the fuss is about. the overly polished "room for squares" didn't grab me (either version - aware or columbia), and i gave "heavier things" a chance. but i hated it. i probably wouldn't have found the one song i like on it, "wheel," had he not performed it at the spac show. when he performed that, i felt like i was watching old mayer. kind of.

so the two exist separately for me. but old mayer's taken on the role of someone you went to school with you might occasionally hear about every once in awhile. and you wonder how things are going with him, but that's about it. and this new mayer guy? never knew him, have no interest in starting now.

the power of positive thinking
status check - optimistic
background ambiance - six o'clock news

i will say nothing more about it, but please just think good thoughts between now and monday. i'd appreciate it!

the week's chaos continues. i'll always take chaos over boredom, but wow, the amount of running around i've done this week has left its toll. i've covered the spectrum between life and death, with some pyromania thrown in to spice things up (well, fire, anyway). i'm looking forward to being able to relax for a couple of days, as last weekend's antics were fun as hell, but also draining as hell. i haven't had a full weekend of being in one place in ... well, let's just say a long time.

as i was learning about this wacky profession of mine in college, i focused on being able to learn as much about the different elements involved as i could. hard news, features, sports, then my beloved theater criticism and, on occasion, even some music/concert reviews (hello, john mayer interview). then editing and design. i figured it would help me keep on top of my game and help my cause when looking for a job and developing myself in said job.

i feel confident in saying that approach worked out quite well.

in other news. now that i've been able to spend some time listening to graham colton, i can say that the band provides easygoing summer tunes that likely to suit the positive vibe i anticipate at nectar's monday. everyone who will be there should be in a good mood - the venue will be open again after its facelift - and there's a talented lineup scheduled. i'm looking forward to getting out of work, meeting up with friends, sipping a vodka cran and enjoying a summer night ...

logic prevails
status check - pleased
background ambiance - scanner

EXCELLENT!

major league baseball changed its mind and decided to pull the on-base ads for spiderman 2!

quote from bob dupuy - the bases were an extremely small part of this program. however, we understand that a segment of our fans was uncomfortable with this particular component and we do not want to detract from the fan's experience in any way.

way to go, baseball fans! get rid of jeter and clemens and the game would be perfect.

silver linings
status check - present
background ambiance - graham colton (hurrah!)

perk to the job: colleague receives copy of album you have been seeking (without success). having used album for preview, colleague hands over the album to you after you express interest in hearing it. you now have ability to listen to album prior to hearing material live in less than a week at newly-renovated nightspot. you rejoice.

(side note: album's not bad - i'm looking forward to the show. for anyone planning on attending, according to us, show starts at 10, which makes it sound like i won't miss any of averi's set afterall. huh.)

today is filled with madness. some amusement, by all means, but certainly madness. thank god it's thursday.

please! make it stop!
status check - hysterical
background ambiance - college promotion music

becca gave me a copy of the smc promotional dvd last weekend, so i thought i'd take a look now, as i prepare for my day and kill time before heading to an apartment showing ...

oh my god, get it away from me. i laughed more through those nine minutes than i have in ages. i don't know why i was so surprised to see some of the people featured, but i was cracking up nevertheless. should i take my strong journalism education and apply it by alerting the admissions office that they completely misidentified one of their quotable, spirit-of-smc students?

this thing is hilarious. i can't wait to show it around.

my favorite name said three times fast
status check - surprisingly alert
background ambiance - mer, "i realized"

something to pick up when i head to boston (two weeks from today!) for mraz - howie day's "extras" is being released. it has limited availablility, however, which means it's not making its way to vermont. that is, until i bring it back with me ... i'm pleased, i've been wanting to hear "standing in the sun" for ages already. and a live recording of "end of our days" will be nice to hear.

remembering two
status check - content
background ambiance - radiohead, track 7 on "ok computer"

it's hard to gear yourself up for a jolly day of work when you know your big assignment for the day is to cover a memorial. but i found myself as geared for it as i could be, primiarly because by properly covering one fallen soldier, i felt i was honoring the memory of another.

i felt particularly determined to write something beyond the simple "they gathered tonight" type of piece and didn't fully realize why until i was sitting in the church, watching the soldier's loved ones fill the pews. i thought back to nearly a year ago, when i sat in a different church, clutching tissues and speaking with the girl with which i'd been best friends in elementary school. we watched for other familiar faces, commenting on former classmates as we spotted them. considering we didn't have our five year reunion, it felt like an unexpected one - in a "the big chill" sort of way. we were attending justin's funeral - he'd been killed while serving in iraq.

i didn't have much to say after the services. i recall writing a political rant sometime around when i'd learned of his death - blasting bush for putting troops in harm's way while he sat back in the white house doing god knows what he does. but as far as really writing about how i felt watching justin's little brother walk into the church dressed in uniform - i don't think i said much. i didn't know what i was thinking, what i felt. i don't think i even know now. it's still surreal - those moments when i happen to come across a photo from high school or the great asshole marathon of project graduation, when a group of us challenged each other behind our hands of cards, grinning like fools. we followed cards with the ever-logical jumping on hotel beds. justin's in one shot, shirtless, grinning as he flew through the air.

anyway. as i saw people i'd never met looking the same way i looked at that service, i knew i wanted to really do them - and this soldier - justice. i think i did. it'll run tomorrow, so look for it if you have access to the paper. it was another one of those assignments where you realize how tough the job can be - i spoke with many members of his family, who were all incredibly gracious and sharing, which made it easier. it's just tough, sometimes, having to be the outsider hoping to speak with people about the source of their collective grief.

but it's what you do. and you do it so people understand. and learn about someone people care about so other people can care, too - or at least know. and once you get past the initial awkwardness that comes with walking up to someone and introducing yourself, you feel like you're doing something important. for them and for you.

not to mention for chris. and, although i'm sure he never met justin, it was important for justin, too.
--------------
in other news. what the hell is this about advertising on bases at major league parks? what brilliant mind thought of that plan? i'm disgusted. there are some things that should be held sacred, and once you're talking about inside the baseball diamond, you're on off-limits grounds. do what you want with the rest of the stadium (how could i criticize advertising there when the citgo sign is one of my favorite baseball-related images?), but bases? who's going to see them? i'm not looking at what's on first base during a close play. i'm looking at pokey reese trying to beat out a hit. and who can see them, anyway? for the fans, the base is a block of white that, with these new ads, will feature a small bit of color on them that will annoy everyone. is the real idea to convince basemen and infielders that they need to see the spiderman sequel? will daubach suddenly be overcome by an overwhelming desire to find out what happens to mk in spidey 2 while he tries to prevent a runner from stealing?

this is something i could see - maybe - in new york (george would be all up on that). but FENWAY? if i see that shite at my favorite ballpark when i go to my first game of the season, things will get ugly. this after they've been bitching about the cellphone-waving fans - while i'm not crazy about the phone-waves either, at least this base thing is something mlb can control. you want to talk about distraction? you're putting it on your own bases. wake up already.

i am however, quite pleased with my boys, finally ending the streak with their win over cleveland this evening. finally putting us back above new york - a half game now, but we'll be able to strech it out. pedro's on the mound tomorrow, bats are starting to swing again, and i'm hoping oakland will beat the yankees. brown's due for a loss anyway.
------------------
another interesting show scheduled for nectar's. ryan montbleau on the 21st. i've been listening to some mp3s lately and i'm quite impressed. that extended weekend will rock - mraz thursday, montbleau friday, mystery dinner theater (for work, no less!) saturday. exxxcellent.

related links:
- boston red sox (http://www.bostonredsox.com) (my favorite boys of summer - this, my friends, is baseball)
- tragi-comics: si.com article on new on-base advertising (from http://www.sportillustrated.com)(ridiculous, absurd, disgusting)
- ryan montbleau (http://www.ryanmontbleau.com)(a new voice, thus far uncorrupted by fame. hurrah!)

i'm only sleeping
status check - decent
background ambiance - rilo kiley "the good that won't come out"

i have completely lost the ability to wake up at a decent hour. i had this skill for a couple of weeks, but now it has slipped away entirely. i'm sure my sleep-in ways are not particularly endearing to my flatmate, as we have a pattern of walking down to church street together early in the morning. i've been dead to the world the last two days. tomorrow, i swear.

i had a rather surreal start to the workday yesterday, as i walked into the office to see two large styrofoam boxes propped on top of one of the short bookcases. inside, packed in dry ice, were several containers of brigham's ice cream. "reverse the curse" ice cream, no less. my association of brigham's and boston's north shore (my grandmother always has a gallon of some flavor in the freezer when we visit) was bolstered by the copy of the globe i was carrying under my arm.

much in the way i was excited when mayer's first album review was in rolling stone, i was pleased to see that averi's friday night paradise show was reviewed for yesterday's issue of the globe. so i picked up a copy (because i'm cool like that) on my way in and showed several of my coworkers. then we poured water on the dry ice and made it smoke up. because we are pictures of maturity.

funny that the first thing i thought of was mayer ... i don't recall feeling the same way about howie or mraz. coincidence or sign? you tell me.

now the real question is why beck wrote that in the first place
status check - thoroughly amused
background ambiance - scanner (!$&()*%#)

how do i know i have the greatest friends in the world? it's simple.

anyone could have made up any old thing to post as a comment and signed it with "beck." MY friends, however, go into beck's online journal, read the whole thing, find the most "appropriate" snippet to use as a comment and then post on my blog.

the scariest/best part? i had to wonder which friend it was who did so.

you guys rock. i don't tell you that nearly enough. xoxoxoxo

(confused? go to the post below this, read it, then read the comments)