...

status check - alone
background ambiance - silence

shortly after the previous post, i was packing boxes in the kitchen. i took a quick step backwards, preparing to turn and grab some odd or end to add to the box's contents, but instead slammed the back of my head into an open cupboard door. surprised and dazed, i dropped the item (fortunately, it didn't break). about an hour later, i was bounding down the stairs to the front door of my apartment when i slammed the front of my head into the door frame. at least i keep things balanced, even attempts at injury.

to add insult to injury, my delight about jake gyllenhaal on the cover of entertaiment weekly was soured when i saw that the indie film man of my dreams looked more the part of a hollywood sexpot wannabe than i'd hoped (clinging wet shirt, waterdrops and all - didn't do it for me). i took the hint, gave up packing and retreated to the movies for a couple of hours. thought about seeing "the day after tomorrow" to make myself feel better about things, but went the comedy route instead. i've heard the plot for tdat sucks - didn't want even my movie-going experience to be a disappointment.

it's one of those days. after the movie (raising hellen, by the way - cute flick and i love john corbett), i decided to snap out of my self-pity mode and talk to someone. i left messages on voicemails and briskly hung up after the couple of people who picked up informed me that they were going to be late for whatever they had scheduled for their saturday evenings.

so here i am, looking at my newly minimalistic living room, full of white and the angular lines of boses stacked. realizing my kitchen still despearately seeks my packing attention, fully aware of the dust bunnies calling for me in the corners of my living room. but wanting nothing more than to meet up with a friend, grab iced coffee and head down to the waterfront to swing on a bench. or maybe be my independent self and take to the waterfront with said iced beverage and my copy of orson welles collected works.

but i'm tired of being my independent self. i want someone to call me up and want to talk to me. i want someone to want to spend time with me. i don't want to seek it out anymore. it's exhausting.

regardless. i'm just wallowing - no point in that. i still have work to do. but it's so quiet here - quiet and white, two things i'm not overly fond of. while the world's still carrying on, people are out having fun and i'm just ... here. waiting for the hours to pass until the boxes are full. until i work tomorrow. until i move tuesday. until the throbbing of my head ceases and i can laugh about my self-inflicted one-two punch.

god, you'd think all i do is listen to emo, from the sounds of this angst.