a beaucoup problem, calvin

status check - reflective
background ambiance - television (i cannot wait for cable on thursday!)

first things first - the quick description of tonight's show at avalon ('boston's premiere nightclub' and, in my opinion, ridiculously inferior to paradise. but i digress):

michael tolcher, averi, gavin degraw. let's be realistic here - while i thought i was initially drawn to the show because i thought it would be good to see averi playing with two bands i'd seen about six months ago. but the truth is that i knew it was the first time averi would be playing avalon. and despite the fact that i'm not crazy about avalon (understatement), i wanted to be there the first time the band performed at the next largest venue in town. experience and share in the moment, if you will.

i know, i know.

michael performed first and, i should note, has improved so much since the uvm gig. his stage performance is getting so much stronger - and, more importantly, his voice and music is starting to show. i was shocked to find myself dancing along to "mission: responsible" (i know, i was floored. although the classic rock tease near the end was a contributing factor as well). and his lead guitarist? just rocks with a lenny kravitz attitude that i love.

then averi. simply seeing michael on stage again would have made the trip worthwhile. they performed a pretty strong set - initially a bit slow, but they picked up the tempo and rocked out. i can't recall, however, any show in recent memory that hasn't included "flutter" - i did miss that. but having michael there for "numb" and "this liminal life"? wonderful.

gavin? eh. we left during the fourth song. it's the same as last time - why not just bring a bunch of people into a room and play "chariot" at full blast? same effect. wasn't feeling it. i just feel he's not trying to grow - he's the teenie flavor of the month and he seems content with that. harsh? perhaps. but it's how i see it. i didn't even want to wait to see if he woke up again after "let's get it on," if he did pull that cover out again, anyway.

so two good sets and a portion of an uninspiring set. whatever, i got what i wanted out of the night, so i was content. said hi to some of the guys in the band, was able to chat with michael a bit about how he's feeling. i continue to adore stu and said hi to chad.

the thing i've enjoyed most out of this extended weekend away has been the conversations i've been able to share with people. my brother and i were in stitches while walking from allston (grasshopper) to harvard square. i don't know how, but we managed to tie together idaho, parking garages, and the allston public library into a conversation that brought tears of laughter to my eyes. i've tried explaining it to someone already and couldn't do it justice. you had to be there.

(side note: turns out i've traumatized my brother - as he is able to quote 'ladybugs,' 'sidekicks,' 'boy meets world' AND 'summertime switch' - extensively. mainly because i made him watch them over and over while i was in junior high. he remembers details about them that i must have forgotten years ago. it's alternately frightening and hilarious to realize.)

michelle and i wound up discussing the introspection that always follows an averi show. it was nice to get a new perspective on things. but still exasperating as hell.

i guess what it really boils down to (god, i hate that cliche, yet there i go using it) is that i spend so much time thinking about brief moments in the past, when really i should be looking about the present. or perhaps i can think about how things could be in the future and just let them stay there. but i always have to wonder why the hell i can't just be my dumbass self and talk. why i look and feel foolish for awkwardly saying hi and then standing to the side. i never used to do that - what's brought it about? but the thing that is most frustrating is that i know it's not just me. and i can try to change things from my end, but i can't do anything on the other side. i just know i want to be able to be goofy again. i'm not just the quiet girl, you know.

cryptic? perhaps. but that last graf was primarily for my own benefit, and since i understand it, it's all good.

anyway, sleep beckons, i haven't made too much sense here and i have the return trip to burlingtonia in the morn. away from the hazy blue-gray skylines, back to the rolling green mountains.

sleep well, meine damen und herren.

i can do the frug. - rilo kiley