yay :)

we were bribed tonight. mike told us that if ben, debbie, chris and i were able to close the store and be punched out by 11:30 (then extended to 11:45 just in case), we would be rewarded.

punched out at 11:27. i think they need to keep this in mind. bribery=motivation=faster closes=less wages paid=happy lloyd.

i found a couple of mixes i made last summer and during the school year. pleasant discoveries. i found it funny to be getting things done while singing along with bnl "mcdonald's girl", and jack johnson's "bubbletoes" was the song of the night.

i have to be in tomorrow at 9. aurgh.

it begins.

email that begins with "hello, my name is (fill in the blank) and i am the (fill in the blank) of the (fill in the blank). we understand that you're the executive editor of the defender for this year..."

a simple email request is making me realize that in a couple of weeks, we're right back into the swing of things with the paper...

so i went to the eddy house this afternoon. i'd wanted to go for awhile, but i never had a chance, and i wasn't aware of all of the stories. i got to hear them as i drove cortni and myself today, and yes, i was incredibly interested.

the house looks nice and cozy, we couldn't get inside, but i was interested in finding out more about the house. the whole issue of haunted houses is something i won't even address, as there are always so many rumors of gimmicks and doubt that i'm in no place to pass judgement. i'll simply say that it was fun--in its own creepy sort of way. we also went to the family cemetery and the larger cemetery up the road, where william and horatio are buried. from everything i've heard, the whole family was pretty creepy. but then again, that added to the mystique.

afterwards, we tried finding honto's cave. following the drive way across the street from the eddy house, we walked towards the woods, breaking off to the left before we reached the house at the end of the drive (we thought it would be, well, rather rude to walk up the owners' driveway and through the lawn), thinking that we'd be able to get around the house to where the rock formation (it isn't actually a cave) is supposed to be located.

we found pricker bushes, ferns, logs, mosquitos, branches, and did i mention pricker bushes? also a murky pond and a horse pasture, but no hanto's cave. i'd like to find it some other time, but i wasn't disappointed. it was fun to wander through the woods, looking for path's and places to step. i brought my camera and snapped pictures the whole time, and i joked that weeks from now, my camera would be found and the two of us would reach fame with our own blair witch. we thought it would be a bit excessive to make the stick figures, however.

now, i sit here, exhuasted, happy after a nice day, and with my legs covered in scratches and scrapes from the damn bushes.

and i bought kid a today.

i woke up late to a phone being tossed onto my bed. it was cortni, and she wanted to know what i've been up to. it looks like we're going to brave the rain and search the eddy house, possibly find tanto's cave. i'm bringing my camera.

about three minutes after hanging up with her, the phone rang again, this time michelle calling to know what i've been up to.

nice way to start off a day. :)

while looking up things at amazon.com this evening, i decided to check out what the little people in the amazon computers recommended for me. for toys/games, it recommended the game of life. i haven't played that game in years, but it used to be my favorite. i want to find someone who has it and play a game. perhaps it would make me feel a little better about preparing for my real life...

no posters of buckley. didn't buy any cds (today, anyway). picked up a phone book from the mailroom--they spelled phil dog's name right this year (last year he was so excited to finally have his name in the book, only to find out they butchered the spelling. this year, i rejoiced for him).

for whatever reason, i'm exhausted today. aurgh.

damn ebay. making me bid on things i really want, but don't necessarily need. aurgh. that's my cue to sleep.

hmm...travis' first us tour stops in montreal and boston this fall--friday nights, to boot, so i could, in theory, attend.

hmm.

when i go up to burlington tomorrow (thinking optimistically), i want to stop by school and hit up church street. i need to check out disc go round and pure pop for either radiohead or travis. not sure which yet. furthermore, if i choose radiohead, do i want ok computer or kid a? also plan on stopping by the poster shops, i want to look for "boulevard of broken dreams" and/or buckley.

just being able to walk along church street will be a treat. and tempting as it might be, i'm saving a trip to muddy waters until i get back for good.

just a few weeks until i'm back. and a week or so after that, tom's off to franklin pierce. he officially has a roommate, i just about keeled over laughing when i found out he was from a town called verona. if i'd had a roommate from verona when i was going to school for the first time, cortni and i would have had a field day. :)

destiny, destiny protect me from the world.
destiny, hold my hand, protect me from the world.
here we are with our running and confusion,
and i don't see no confusion anywhere.

and if the world does turn and if london burns,
i'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.
i want to be in a band when i get to heaven,
anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing any more.

grow my hair, grow my hair, i am jim morrison,
grow my hair, i wanna be, wanna be, wanna be jim morrison.
here we are with our running and confusion,
and i don't see no confusion anywhere.

and if the world does turn and if london burns,
i'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.
i want to be in a band when i get to heaven,
anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing any more.

when trish walked into work and immediately asked, "can i go home yet?" i knew it was going to be a looong shift.

i had no idea.

what happened tonight? well, let's see. trish went to the emergency room after chipping her nibula (extra points to anyone who can tell me what the hell the nibula is), so i got ashley to close front, leaving chris c. to close grill, but she'd never closed there before, plus i had the always-ever-so-helpful jean on wash. plus i was working with kyle (the hi-i'm-going-to-torment-vickie register boy) and oh, did i mention it was my first close without any other managerial support and i couldn't get the sign to turn on and i almost turned off half the lights in the store and we were busy at the worst times and holy schnikies was it a weird night.

but all in all, it turned out ok. i actually seemed to know what i was doing (well, except for previously mentioned incidents with sign and lights), and i was only ready to kill crewpeople a few times.

but what a stressfull night.

two days off for me now. it doesn't look like massachusetts is in the cards, but that does mean a trip to burlington most likely is. i'm hoping for tomorrow. :)

anything, as long as i'm not working. :)

woke up at noon. whoops.

i was flipping through the television channels last night when i saw that "philadelphia" had just started. i've wanted to see it forever, but it's not one of those films that i'll actively go out and rent. so i curled up in the recliner and started watching.

it ended at 4 a.m. with tears streaming down my face. what a fantastic movie.

i recommend it.

bleargh. don't want to go to work. but tom's girlfriend is here, so that's fun. she's nice (and i have to give props to someone who was able to whip my brother into submission so much--that in itself is one hell of an accomplishment).

so i have two days off--wednesday and thursday. however, i haven't been able to plan anything yet because i don't know if the fam is going to massachusetts. i suppose i can't complain though, either massachusetts or burlington. neither option is bad at all.

work kicked ass, besides stupid people. i did well. tomorrow however, is not going to be pretty.

but at least i don't have to wake up early like some people. bwahahahaha.

first things first. i found the ruins. fuck yeah.

i almost didn't--i took the side street/lane thing like i thought i'd try, and i followed a worn path a short distance to what seemed to be just the overgrown front lawn of where the house would have been. i turned to walk back, snapping pictures along the way, when i noticed another path that was almost completely overgrown with weeds and wildflowers.

sure enough, the ruins. not at all as i remembered them to be, more quaint than scarlet o'hara, but i got the same feeling i remembered. unfortunately, the stray bottles of minute maid and shattered glass showed that others had found the ruins as well, but i ignored them, instead slowly walking up and down the stairs. they consist of three levels, forming a ninety degree angle at each new level. the stones are green with moss but are not crumbling at all. the trees twist together around and above the stones, forming an intricate pattern of lines that block out the sunshine.

i took a roll of photographs without even realizing it. yes, i'm bizarre. but i'm looking forward to getting them back.

after work tonight (ugh, let's leave that at that), i got home to find the tape of "james dean" waiting for me (my mother scored major points tonight). so since i obviously couldn't wait to watch it tomorrow, i popped it in the vcr.

opinions? james franco was a dean clone at times, but then other times he looked nothing like him. seeing scenes from all three of his movies reconstructed was eerie, as was the accident scene (seeing something in color that, for whatever reason, i always imagine in black and white). the backbone of the movie, the father/son relationship with winton wound up so sickeningly sweet and romanticized that i found it laughable. who knows what actually happened, but this version made me feel like james and winton were about to pull out a couple of baseball gloves and play catch. ugh. overall opinion is that it wasn't what i hoped it would be, but i'm glad i saw it, i suppose. look at me, talking like i know how things really were. ha.

i'm contemplating going out this morning to find the ruins of emily proctor's house to take some pictures. i haven't been there in years, but the structure's been creeping into my mind over the past few days. the first time i found it was with my friend megan (i wonder what she's up to now) when i was probably a sophomore in high school. we veered off the sidewalk onto a small, unkempt path by the train bridge and nimbly climbed over loose stones until we saw a slight clearing in the weeds and branches to our right.

i remember the sensation of entering another world. all that remains of the mansion is a massive stone staircase that bends and meanders its ways to what would have been the front door of the house. behind the masking of the trees, the air was cooler and slightly damper than "outside", and individual rays of light danced over the grass and stone. i stood on the steps and imagined what it must have been like when the house was standing, recreating the building in my mind and feeling like scarlet o'hara or cinderella at the ball.

i went back a few other times, but i haven't been there in years. i tried going back a couple summers ago, but i couldn't find the space in the trees, and i didn't want to risk the potential of poison ivy. but i'm thinking now that if i tried going in the way that we came out--the tiny side road just off the main street--i should be able to get to it. i want to see if it's how i remember (which i'm sure it isn't, at least not entirely, but whatever), and also to get some shots of it. i think they could come out quite well.

i'm waiting to hear back from joann about moving back to school early for training/working (as i've done the past two years). depending on what my parents are doing, i might be making a trip up there tuesday or wednesday (i have to bring sylvia back to the library so mike doesn't shoot me). it's either that or a trip down to massachusetts to visit family. maybe i'd be able to swing a visit with my second family as well--note to self: get in touch with michelle.

could you imagine waking up one morning, going onto your website to check out your guestbook, and finding signatures from chardy (of PMB) and steve lillywhite? assuming of course that they aren't just people being stupid, that's fantastic for ryan, who's been generating a lot of, well, buzz, on buzzing (why do i feel an urge to say "allow myself to introduce...myself..."??) and he's a sweetheart (and he's going to play vermont or else! hehehehe). he just needs to finish the damn cd preview already...:)

it finally hit me earlier in the afternoon that i'm going back to school in a matter of mere weeks. it was all because of the staples commercial. you know the one i'm talking about, the one with "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and the voice says, "they're going BACK!" as the father dances and soars through the aisles, children trudging behind. at that moment, hearing that song, i realized that i'm almost about to start what is potentially my final year of formal education.

where did the time go?

i am a dumbass. LMAO. LEAP is the same weekend as howie in boston, which means no howie for me.

the howie curse continues: everytime i want to see howie perform during the school year, something prevents it. howie at house of blues (for which i had free tickets), howie at paradise, and now howie at paradise again.

LEAP will more than make up for it, though, so it's all good. :)

it just shows me even more that howie needs to play in vermont again, dammit.

that is all.

since he's on the left coast, i'd almost forgotten that john is out touring, so i stopped by scotty's road journal to make sure it was still up and running. scotty is no steve (steve wouldn't have given us any trouble when we asked for the setlist at paradise and scotty doesn't realize that i'm a punk), but his entries in the journal never cease to make me laugh (or at least chuckle).

extra points for the beginning of his july 25 entry:
Walkin' around New Orleans, I feel like I'm about to run into LeStat or something--
good scotty.

now i must prepare for work. bleargh, i don't want to go.

i haven't seen such a promising candidate since...well, bubba. ;)

in other news, at least now i don't have to bother trying to catch up when we get back to school...bwahahaha.

the vh1 special about singer/songwriters is on (i've had this thing recommended to me numerous times by people who said, "YOU MUST SEE THIS!"), about time i watched it!

during a discussion with and about david gray, michael mcdonald was featured as he spoke about david and ATO records. i'm glad i didn't know exactly who he was back in january when i called him up brazenly and tried to work out the way of getting interviews with john mayer (whom he represents) and david. my whole attitude going into that one was "hey, i'm a member of the press, dammit, i'll make these guys get more coverage, so you work with me." it was odd, seeing him on tv, realizing i had that swaggering confidence when i spoke to him, when really i'm not much of anything as far as he could be concerned. little amateur college dj girl...but hey, it got us the mayer interview. :)

i should be in barre right now. i'm not. i'm not a very happy camper about it.

september 20 is a thursday night, and i will be in boston that evening to see howie perform at the paradise. :)

i wonder what i have for friday classes other than defender...hmm.

i want my damn picture. :)

*****updated: another show is scheduled for the night after, the 21st. hasn't been confirmed by shawn yet, but nextticketing.com has it in there. that works out MUCH better. :)*****

the name is officially red.

the coffee exchange is obviously no muddy waters, but i had a great time at the smcssvs meeting this evening, and i thank all of the (hundreds, thousands) of other members for attending. ;)

i'm going to barre tomorrow for my brother's first concert with his punk rock band. while driving to sound barrier this afternoon, i passed by numerous flyers promoting the show, which, i will admit, made me proud. it'll be an interesting experience, seeing my brother up there on stage, and i'm sure i'll laugh at him a little afterwards (just to keep his ego in check), but i'm going to be proud, i can tell.

my mother is now (jokingly) complaining of having a sunburned scalp thanks to my car--which has had it's first name suggestion. i had thought (again, jokingly) about names such as prudence, petunia, or perhaps shaquanda, and michelle has added to the "list"--red.

and it's growing on me.

if you have any suggestions to add, let me know before i make up my mind. :)

my three huge goals for the summer were:
1) guitar
2) cell phone (to prepare for car)
3) car.

when i signed the last paper and shook hands at 10:00 this morning, all three goals were officially met.

very happy me.

alright, so the spamming on my email accounts has reached a ridiculous point. the ultimate, however, was receiving an email from miss cleo. LMAO. "VICKIE, call me now." WHY ME?!?!?!??!

i'm going to also try going through the "proper" channels, but i think one of my brother's friends is helping me score a big interview for once i get back to school. but i'm not going to jinx it by saying any more.

i've been watching the mtv: live and almost legal coverage today, taking a stroll down musical memory lane. good lord. paula abdul's "straight up" brought me back to fourth grade when karen ammersol came to my elementary school to teach all of the individual classes specific dances. my class, mrs. rusin's, earned the dubious distinction of having to dance to "tequila" dressed up as nerds and doing the peewee herman dance, while mrs. kent's fourth grade class got to dance to "straight up". i remember seething with jealousy, wishing i could wear the day-glo, bicycle shorts, and push-up socks they all got to wear instead of a wool vest and a bandaid on my glasses.

i haven't looked forward to something specific on tv in a long time. however, august 5, i will be either at home, or, if i'm working, taping this. pathetic, i know. shut up.

i put down a deposit on my car. on thursday morning, i'm getting it checked out by a mechanic, and if it all works out, the car is mine by thursday afternoon.

the facts: it is a 1993 saturn SLI, dark teal, four-door, automatic, has only had one owner. seems to run really well, enough room, and it's definitely a cute car (although that was not a major factor in my ultimate decision, thank you very much!). i'd seen it the first day we went car shopping, my parents checked it out yesterday, and i test drove it today and fell in love with it.

i'm going to cry if the mechanic finds anything wrong. ;)

last night, my aunt, uncle, cousin, and her boyfriend came up to rutland from massachusetts, and stacy (my cousin) and james (the bf) hung out at the house last night. my father started telling us stories about when he and uncle wally were younger and about our grandmother (who died when my dad was 18, so obviously i never met her). before i knew it, two and a half hours had gone by and i'd been lying there on the living room floor fascinated. random night, but a great one.

good luck computer networks and my fellow users...don't let the worm get you down.

let it be known: hell is not fire and all that jazz. hell is a 10-7 shift when it's not busy and you're left to find things to do. when you wake up at 7 in order to get stuff done before work.

after work, dad and i stopped at mr. fuller's house to bring in the dogs (tom's gone for the weeks, so we're taking care of the puppies). i was nervous anyway, because i'll admit that big dogs scare me. when tom tells me that i need to be careful around lady, a shepard, because she is extremely "protective of the house", i get really scared. when we walk in and see a note about being careful to not startle magic because he'll bite, i get way too scared. imagine me standing outside, trying to approach magic with a doggie treat, in my whole soothing voice, creeping closer and closer, then magic growling and me jumping back, scared shitless. i looked like such a dumbass. dad took care of both dogs. :)

tomorrow morning, nice and early, i go into town to check out a car. it looks really promising--parents went while i was at work to check it out and think i'm going to love it. if all works out, i could have it by the end of the week.

me? with a car by the end of the week? when the hell did i get so old?

the smc site has (finally) been redesigned--kudos to brian, he said i'd like it, and i do. :) especially putting the photo of anthony in for "current students"--i miss the tony boy.

a long day of work. no more needs to be said about that.

i did, however, have an opportunity to attend a meeting of the smcssvs--with bethy and chucky--which was great. first of all, it was nice because the day was so long and monotonous, so it was nice to be out in the fresh air at twilight moving and doing something. second, i've missed having bethy around me. it was good for me to be able to relax and laugh with her and make being home feel a bit less alien than it does--i mean, i know i came home by choice, yadda yadda, but it is, in many respects, like trying to slip into another skin when i'm here. i have to adapt to the surroundings, and, at times, it's really difficult to do. having beth and chuck (i was very happy chuck was around!!!!) around tonight made me very happy. and i'm hoping to be able to have another chance to meet up very soon--this time when coffee exchange is actually open. ;)

catchy new music coming over the eqx airwaves lately that i'm impressed with--in particular fuel's "bad day", blues traveler "back in the day", and ben folds "rocking the suburbs". good stuff...i'm compiling a list of musicians i need to check out when i get back to school. so far there is ryan cohen, bob schneider, david garza, and remy zero (i've been meaning to check them out--i need to need to need to). any other ideas of people you think i'd like?

today marked the first day of...

the great victoria car search

found some nice prospects. the search will continue tomorrow and then i know a couple of the cars i found today might advance to the semifinals (a.k.a. a checkup with the lafond's people). my parents amaze me sometimes...my whole thing is finding something that won't fall apart, runs, doesn't guzzle gas, and can be seen as a relatively cute vehicle. nothing more. hell, it's my first car and my parents, who should be focusing on themselves, are helping with it. what more should i expect? yet here they are, trying to make sure i have a nice car and looking at cars more expensive than the ones i'm looking at (not much, thankfully, but still). we bitch at each other a lot, i know, but the way they look out for me is so sweet---even if i'm not sure i deserve it a lot of the time. makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (kinda like when i climbed the ropes in gym class...joey, that one was for you)

work today was long. a shorter shift tomorrow. still a morning shift, but at least better. and then meeting up with bethy! the smcsss is much needed. how long til i go back??? :-)

i feel exceptionally confident as i say that tonight's shift was the worst shift i have worked in recent memory. possibly ever. yes, yes, it sucked. now i am going to bed, because i must be back for an 11-7 shift. oh boy.

oh, and buzzing has reduced itself to a small whining group of people bickering back and forth, and i'm not even sure why i'm still on the list. it's pathetic really.

i became one of what i had come to call "those people" yesterday.

cell phone touting, figure-out-what-kind-of-ring-i-want, what-color-faceplate-will-i-get, only-so-many-minutes, gotta-get-everyone-entered-in-my-automatic-dialer kind of people.

i had always sworn i'd never get a cell phone. i don't know where along the way i decided they were evil, but it came to be that NOT having one was my own little rebellion. walking down the street, everyone yakking away on their cells. the playhouse having to put a special announcement before the shows saying to turn off cell phones. everyone having their regular phone numbers but also the "but my cell's ALWAYS with me, so here's that number"...

but yesterday, as i went with my folks to the mall, they followed through on what they'd suggested before--picking up a cell phone for me so when i'm off in my car, i'm all set in case of emergency.

ok, part of it is also the fact that i'm famous for getting my long distance at school cut off because i've exceeded the limit, so this is an effort to cut down on my phone bill. but it's ALSO because of the car. so the first step in getting said car has been made.

scary thing is, i kind of like having the cell. it's cute (i'm so dweeby), and i was good and didn't get one of the tiny ones with the flip down mouthpiece like my father suggested (my response: i would lose that thing in less than a day). i like thinking that people are going to be able to get in touch with me whenever, and hell, i suppose everyone else in the world having one is a clue that they're smart investments (before you say it, if everyone jumped off the golden gate bridge, i wouldn't jump just to follow the crowd).

i also ran my first full shift yesterday. yay...no crises to report, at least no major ones. the only thing i was worried about was the end of the night paperwork and the damn deposit, but deposit was perfect and i remembered just about everything for the paperwork. after tuesday (when i run my first scheduled shift--jason let me run his last night), i sit down with mike and figure out what my raise is going to be. more money is good, even if it still won't be much. ;)

and now, since my fingers feel much better today, i am going to spend the hours before tonight's shift working on my collage and, naturally, playing my dear guitar.

in rutland's attempt at a huge sting (if you're not familiar with the city, it's been getting laughed at for this--or at least the newspaper has been for its coverage), there have been four new arrests--all of which come from my darling hometown. all four were arrested for selling crack cocaine, two of them went to my school, but were younger, and two of them come from my graduating class. one of the names didn't surprise me too much, although i had imagined him just going off to his college and becoming a frat boy or something. the other name, though, shocked me. first because i never thought the two of them would hang out, forget living with each other, second because he was always one of those "nice" kids, yadda yadda. not in any attempt at sounding preachy or anything (cause i would be a hypocrite if i even tried), but i just never thought he'd get in any trouble. i saw him working hard, finding a wife, and having his little family. i thought my parents were joking when they first told me. i kept staring at the paper in shock.

it's so odd seeing where my classmates are winding up...i mean, i graduated from a class of 33, so it's pretty easy to find out where everyone is. and some of the answers i'm getting are really shocking...

ohhhh...that's nice...good john. :) (regarding wallpaper) although i still fail to understand how someone that good looking can be that unphotogenic.

yes, and that is my shallow, superficial post of the day.

i arrived at my shift this afternoon actually rather happy to be there--the last couple of days have, well, sucked, so at least i'd be doing something and making some money (little money that it might happen to be, but whatever). i was supposed to do deposit from 4-5:30. within five minutes, i had managed to jam the door to the safe, requiring three people significantly stronger than myself to try to force the damn thing back open. finally opened with the help of a makeshift crowbar.

about a half hour later, i'm doing everything i can to keep it together. nothing was balancing out. all the drawers were off. mike was standing over me making sure i did everything right, which naturally meant i kept screwing everything up. he would fix everything for me when, in all actuality, i just wanted to fix it myself.

another ten minutes, and i'm in tears on the phone with my mother, bitching about mike, bitching about my job, bitching about my summer, and bitching about the fact that i'm bitching. it was a complete disaster. add to that people walking by asking me, as i'm trying to control the waves of tears that are pouring out of my eyes, why my face and/or eyes are red. just leave me the fuck alone, people.

yeah. it wasn't pretty. aurgh. i should be getting paid a whole lot more for this amount of stress.

to top it all off, i was starting to develop a blister on the middle finger of my left hand. so i couldn't really practice today, which has been my stress reliever as of late. AND i was feeling sick. i was one happy camper all day.

luckily the night improved. we had the camp order, which last time i worked was an utter disaster, but it went beautifully tonight. but chris, the head of the camp, has become such a jerk over the years. i doubt he remembers me, but hell, i WENT to the camp, i played against his teams for four years...don't be a dick to me, for cryin out loud.

by the end of the night, i was dancing about, singing at the top of my lungs (yes, i'm serious), then stopped to get gas (and ran into vinny--five years feels like five CENTURIES ago), and then drove home. "under the bridge" came on as i was listening to the buzz, so i started thinking about jhp back in seventh grade, as we had all adopted the song as our theme. which naturally made me think about other memory songs--"the sweater song" freshman year, "strawberry wine", and then all the songs of college. but "under the bridge"--that was, what, '92 i think? nine years ago??? good god, i feel ancient.

please let tomorrow night be better. jason's having me run the shift. this could go either very well or very, very badly.

yesterday wasn't as wonderful as i might have hoped--i think the hot, sticky, uncovfortable weather is starting to get to us all, and i was left unable to even play the guitar because my fingers were hurting too much. as a result, i felt like a caged in tiger--couldn't go anywhere, couldn't do anything, left to just be bored bored bored.

started a couple of projects for when i get back to school--first is my annual collage of the previous school years' pictures. i have to have all of my pictures on my walls, so the collage makes things a whole lot easier--if i didn't make them, my walls would be covered before i even had a chance to take any new photos.

second is an idea for over my bed. i'll say no more except that i think it'll be cool. i've taken to watching the discovery channel in the afternoons, with "trading spaces" and "the christopher lowell show", so i felt as if i was finally taking the good ideas and putting them into practice. it was also neat that my mother was helping me out as well. made me happy.

i'm dreading having to discuss some things with my bosses at work--i feel like i'm setting myself up for a big fall, but the present situation isn't right, and i'm getting upset about it, which makes me want to show up for work even LESS, which doesn't help anyone.

AURGH. i'm going to go try practicing some more. fingers be damned.

quote from father about the point: "oh, if i'd known that, you definitely would have come. my roommate wouldn't have minded at all, and you could have crashed on the floor next to my bed."

at times like this, just hearing, "no, you wouldn't have been able to" would have made me feel so much better. aurgh. ;-)

i must go into town and get myself some guitar picks today. the fingers on my left hand are starting to form callouses, thankfully. i played all day yesterday, or at least as much as i could, but because the fingers are still sensitive, the strings were making them extremely sore. and i had to limit myself so the fingers didn't blister, because then i'd be out of commission for so much longer...

any time i tough anything with that hand, i feel an odd sort of near-numbness. it's hard to put into words because it doesn't feel like anything else i've felt, but it makes me happy because i know the callouses are coming. exxxxcellent.

bethy told me i needed to play a song for her when we get back and write one for her second semester. i told her i'd definitely play a song (as long as she doesn't mind her ears bleeding) and i'd start writing lyrics. what rhymes with pumpy? ;-)

meeting up with bethy on sunday!!!!!!!!

as i'm playing around with the guitar, i've printed out the tablature for various songs to butcher. including "secret," "she says," "more you understand," "after you," and "lover you should have come over."

i officially apologize to howie day and the friends and family of jeff buckley for what i am doing to their songs. :)

howie played "lick my lips" last night. LMAO. that song always strikes a special chord with me...

radiohead and ben folds five cds arrived this morning. currently listening to "fake plastic trees". lovely way to start the morning.

"waking up early" attempt failed. 11 a.m. whoops...

went back to blockbuster and rented "state and main". i thought the whole "shooting a movie in small town vermont" would be fun (note: they really filmed it in massachusetts). DEFINITELY a david mamet script. amusing. i want to know if kirk has seen it. i'm sure he must have seen it in the theatres. it is, in my opinion, what meg refers to as "a kirk film."

i'm trying this whole waking up earlier thing, so i'm not always so tired. we'll see how it works out.

today's fun buzzing post:

hey people, i was just letting you guys know that i have 1 ticket available for
tonights show. if you want it you can get in touch with me...

*biting hand so as not to scream* it would have been interesting to pull off, but now that i know of everyone's plans, i really might have been able to go to the point. mike's in philly, left today. was in the city early this afternoon. the show is in bryn mawr. metro goes to the area. it's 10 miles from the city. i could have, in all honesty, been able to make the trip. it would have been difficult, but it could have been done. but i realize all of this NOW...

overtime makes me happy, although my body is aching right now. i loathe morning shifts, and today was a 9-5.

i think the biggest problem i have with my job is the fact that little crap customers come in and act like they own the place--and me. next time you go to a mcdonald's, or a burger king, or wendy's, or whatever, PLEASE be nice to the people who serve you. it will make me proud.

must go play guitar.

wait wait wait. pat mcgee band in boston on the 28th?!?!?! free???

i must be at work at 9 tomorrow. blech. sleep is necessary.

wish i could hop in a car and drive down to the point tomorrow (and in this dream world, there would be a ticket for each show waiting for me with my name on it!). i hope everyone has a fantastic time!

it amazes me how a simple and relatively passive event can show me so much about myself and others.

went to the movies tonight to see scary movie 2 with cortni. stopped at gill's for grinders beforehand, spent the time talking about shakespeare, fellow former phs people, whatever. we always spend half the time talking gibberish anyway. we're us, afterall.

went to the movie, which was enjoyable, in the same manner that the original was. for all the crude humor in it, you've got to give the wayans brothers credit for coming up with creative ways of spoofing films. it was really funny, i'll definitely admit.

i'm glad i had a chance to watch it, although i had suggested "america's sweethearts", which looks fantastic. and the fact that i got to see the trailer for "jay and silent bob strike back" made me far too incredibly happy. august 24...kevin smith...last one...can't wait.

i don't know exactly what to say about my observations over the course of the night, except that they showed me a lot.

welcome welcome welcome to the big blue house!

:-)

i joined the HDTB today. i love it already, everyone's fun and so nice. and no hostility like there is with buzzing...

email from a fellow buzzing member:

I have met Howie at a few shows. Don't ya wonder if he remembers you or not? Does Howie remember you?

LOL. i told her no, but perhaps the fact that he hasn't been in vermont for forever indicates that he does remember me. hmm...*eyebrow arched* hehehehehehe

the pads of my left-hand fingers are sore from trying to play various chords. I LOVE THIS FEELING.

the sun is shining, there isn't a cloud in the cobalt blue sky, and when i got home from bringing my parents to work, there was a massive package waiting at my back door from mountain folk music. i jumped out of the car, grabbed the package, then checked to grab the other mail that had arrived, and half walked, half staggered through the door to the living room. grabbing any keys i could find, i ripped off the packing tape, opened the box, and found...another box. opened that, and found...a lot of wrap. opened that, and found...it. there is was. my guitar. oh what a beautiful morning... ;-)

i love rhonda--i got email from her today with an update on how she and john are doing and stuff she has learned about using quark since she started work at the post star in glens falls. gave me a ton of information about cutting down on time, which was so sweet of her, and ended with "start thinking of story ideas now," and gave me some suggestions. LOL. some things never change.

now i'm going to look up tabs for songs that i can butcher while i learn to play this beautiful instrument!!!!!!

my guitar has been shipped. that means it should be here soon. it needs to get from alabama to vermont in one beautiful, natural-wood composed piece, and then i will rejoice. and then proceed to make my entire family wish i had chosen to buy a few cds or something instead.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

shanendoah shakespeare is going to be up in burlington again during the academic year, but one of the tours (the blush & swoon tour--why don't they just name it "the vickie's reaction to clint onstage tour"?) that has a stop at UVM doesn't stop our way until MARCH. normally they make an appearance first semester. but who knows, maybe clint will rejoin? riiiiiight. oh, and the play will be good ol' r & j.

in other news, i've decided to immerse myself in the world of "arcadia", finding out as much as i can about the references and world stoppard creates in the play. just in case i can work something out to try to get in the mainstage. ;)

how shocked am i???? and i thought it would never happen... (note: see the entry just above june 12th)

i had my day today completely planned. i would wake up around 9:30 and listen to EQX all day because they were giving away DMB tickets to SPAC. and i wanted to go. i wound up staying up until amost three last night writing in my room--granted, it was pure drivel, but the fact remains that i was finally able to at least write something, no matter how wretched it was.

i awoke around 10:40 to a phone call from debi at work asking if i realized i was supposed to be in at 10:30. shit. i get to work and call home, asking my mother to listen to the radio if she could to try to win the tickets. only to find out that where my house is positioned (at the bottom of a hill), we can't get the station on any radio except the car steroes. but since debi loves me, i got to listen to the station all day while at work. unfortunately, i didn't win. if i actually had money, i'd buy a couple tickets and invite a princess up to vt...aurgh. i hate being poor.

i've officially seen it all at work, a recently married couple (we're talking still in gown and tuxedo) were waited on by yours truly today. i'll leave that at that.

not much else to report...except that today is cort's 21st birthday. yay!

around 10:15 this evening, i felt compelled to rent a movie. so i drove to blockbuster and rented "wonder boys". i'd wanted to see it for awhile.

love that movie. it connected with me. perhaps the manner in which everything spins so horribly out of control in the course of only a few days...but at the same time, i was laughing. plus the manner in which writing ties together the plot, weaving in and out of it on a regular basis. i needed this movie.

blah. not doing particularly well today. lazy, lathargic day of summer leaves me feeling restless, yet at the same time, too frustrated with my current situation to feel compelled to try to change anything.

the more you branch out, the more difficulty that comes your way. fact of life. it's what makes life so great, right? it's what i've always wanted--to grow older, to have new challenges and opportunities. yet right now, i would give anything to be able to curl up in my world as it used to be and just exist in ignorant bliss.

the summer is racing by. in a little over a month, i'll be back at school for my final year. i've seen my summer plans, so carefully constructed and anticipated, crash and burn. right now, i was supposed to be wrapping up a month at the o'neil. preparing for a month or so at the free press. anxiously awaiting a semester working as executive editor of the defender. figuring out what i want to do with my life, but at the same time, relaxing up at school, getting paid for doing minimal work. i was all set.

the o'neil fell through. the free press deal, while i still have it, has been postponed until the spring because of the policy the school has put into place. defender is stressing me out already, and i haven't even started yet.

part of me is really glad i'm home, because it gives me an opportunity to really center myself and figure out what i want and whatnot. but at the same time, i'm not completely happy anywhere. i know, nothing's ever going to be perfect, but at the same time, i just want to fit somewhere. and right now, the pieces aren't quite coming together. and to top it all off, i can't write lately to save my life. i feel what i want to express becoming bottled up inside of me, but when i put a pen to the paper of my notebook, nothing comes out. or things come out, only to be crossed out seconds later. i can feel it inside me, as if some great idea is simmering, but i can't put my fingers on it to develop it.

to top it all off, i miss everyone, who seem to be having a great time at whatever they're doing. jen is off in spain, which is amazing. michelle and my schedules haven't been lining up well lately, so i haven't heard much from her, and everyone at school is working when i'm off and off when i'm working. and things with cortni are odd.

i wish things were like they were when i was younger, at my old house, playing in and around the small bushes in the middle of the backyard for hours. the days seemed to stretch out forever in front of me. summer alone seemed to last years. until i was 10 or 11, i would fit in between the bushes, up against a small stone monument that was erected there. the bushes formed a half-circle around the stone, and there was enough space between the shrubbery and rock for me to fit. i used to think of the space as my own special sanctuary, and i would hide in there, coming up with stories in my mind, creating situations and playing all of the parts. the different small stones that composed the back of the monument were various magic touchstones, and i encorporated them into whatever scenario i had conjured up. i loved that space. it was mine, and when i was in it, i was safe and invincible.

as i grew older, summer softball stretched out the days, day-glo yellow balls sharply contrasting the murky twilight in the final innings of each game. after the games, pitching with my mother, my frustrations over mechanics and drills. so many drills. feeling frustrated that i couldn't pitch a strike from second base during a distance drill. my mother either catching or fetching each ball and throwing it back to me. eventually investing in shinpads because we came to determine that i had a tendancy to pitch them low. three days a week, all summer long.

there wasn't thinking about how, in mid-july, summer was starting to wrap up. there weren't the questions about what i want to do when i graduate. talk of grad school or working at a newspaper or being a critic or maybe working p.r. at a record label or a novel or anything. there wasn't all of this pressure, wondering if i'm making the right decisions or if the one chance i pass up on is The Big Opportunity. and then wondering why i'm feeling pressure when it's the summer, for crying out loud.

the summer isn't just the summer anymore.

that's it. enough sitting here feeling sorry for myself. tomorrow: call cortni. get in touch with bethy. try calling people. get in touch. feel connected again, let myself touch other people and let them touch me. HAVE A GOOD DAY, for christ's sake.

the first of my anticipated arrivals, well, arrived. my new glasses. :-)

i'd forgotten about this, but i think i'm going to send away for it. after all, only $6, why the hell not? (i'm so bad lately with spending money on music--aurgh--but it's not my fault, the music's just been too good lately!)

i swear this blog is going to be renamed to "random gibberish about various musical types".

seeking homer, who will play the iron horse on the 28th, played at smc, what, sophomore year? it would have been a wonderful show if people had shown up for it. i spent the entire set feeling bad.

still deliberating radiohead at suffolk downs. i know if i keep deliberating, it'll sell out. i think in my own sort of way, i'm hoping that so then i don't spend money i don't have on tickets. but still...check out the cover story at rolling stone.

ben kweller played at higher ground with creeper lagoon AND joseph arthur on may 25th.

was i under a rock or something? that would have been a great show.

i've stumbled across a couple of music recommendations lately. i'm listening to jeremy kay right now...not too bad. strikes me as a combination of jack johnson and train, personally (although i loathe describing new artists as "well, like so-and-so", sometimes it's all that works). when i get back to school, i'll have to download the mp3s (download anything on the family computer with the lame modem? riiiiiiiiiight).

someone else recommended heath brandon--who, from what i can read about him, seems to be similar to a howie...i would love to be able to hear the realaudio clips that are on his site, but the links are incorrect...aurgh. what a tease.

i think i'm going to go find some ben kweller.

am i the only one who has a problem with this? let's take these peoples' lives and start weighing all the little pros and cons, so as to come up with a final opinion on each individual, then to compare to others on the list to find out who is missed most. how can you compare grace kelly and chris farley? should one choose marilyn monroe or mama cass?

and naturally, talented people are excluded from the list, therefore robbing them of any validity (at least in e!online's opinion). perhaps it's because i'm just breaking out of the buckley bubble i placed myself into for most of this evening (ah...bliss, where things are dark, beautiful, and make sense, in their own twisted, magical ways), but i have a difficult time understanding how this isn't seen as poor taste.

i made a "cheer up" purchase today: sketches for my sweetheart the drunk. imagine the decision i had to make in the store...i had sketches in one hand, ok computer in the other, and i was looking down at kid a.

if you live in/around the boston area, watch sarah edwards' entertainment feature on the channel 7 news at 5:30 tonight. if it isn't broadcast tonight, check wednesday and thursday.

it's sad that this is all i have to report. but at least it's something fun.

*****update: it was broadcast tonight. :-)*****

tom's home from warped. had a great time. he's been telling me stories all morning. i was waiting for a chance to be a tool and piss him off (hey, he's been gone for a week. i need to catch up). since blink played in minneapolis with the tour, tom had a run in with mark hoppus--quite literally. as tom puts it, "mark was complaining about something, and then he stepped right in front of me and BAM! it was his fault, though." so i proceeded to squeal and say, "MY BROTHER TOUCHED MARK HOPPUS!!!!!!" over and over. and then as he was telling other stories, i interrupted to say, "was he hot? did you see tom or travis? what was he wearing? was he hot?" not that i particularly care--i like their songs, but there's no obsessing over them for me--but i KNEW it would piss him off.

it did. hehehehe. i'm a bitch.

in all seriousness, he had a great time, and i'm glad he's home. ;-)

i finally got the archive feature up and working. hells yeah. as well as a guestbook. ok, so that part isn't much at all, but it's something...now sign it and make me happy, dammit.

apparently i did something really, terribly wrong at some point to deserve tonight's shift. it all started when i'd forgotten to set my alarm the night before. i woke up at 12:49 p.m. whoops. then mike calls to ask me to come in an hour early. ok, whatever.

it was busy. which normally isn't a problem as long as everyone carries their own weight (holy shit, defender flashback, can i take back that choice of words?). but the counter people wouldn't do ANYTHING. i don't know how many times i tried to "remind" them of their responsibilities.

but whatever. things really got interesting when i got the call from the soccer camp over at green mountain. and realized that this massive (turned out to total $163) order would have to be made around 8:30 and the counter people were gone at 8. i started to become a bit overwhelmed. once drive was wrapped around the store and the lobby was full and the counter people STILL WOULD NOT DROP FRIES, i became very overwhelmed. once the shake machine got messed up because someone let chocolate syrup run through all of the lines (think the only selections available being strawberry-chocolate, milk-chocolate (vanilla), raspberry-chocolate, and chocolate-chocolate), i lost it. add to it a woman stopping to "not complain, just ask" about the sales tax and try to tell me about my own store, and i told jason i'd be back in a minute, walked to the freezer, went inside, kicked a few boxes, and screamed.

made me feel a bit better.

the camp order sucked--neither jason nor i knew how to make the system accept such a huge order (after $99, the registers assume there's been a mistake and lock unless you access the right area), so chris (who runs the camp that wait, i WENT to, and i played against his soccer team all four years in high school) thought we were idiots and i was ready to curl up and cry. but there were also customers in the lobby and wait! drive was wrapped around the damn building again.

the night ended ok for me, i got to go out to the managers office and count the drawers and listen to music and just hope the money added up (which it did, for the most part). but DAMN.

jokingly told mike and paula that since i had next monday and tuesday off and howie was playing in d.c., i wanted to kill two birds with one stone and go down to see the city and the show. mike took me seriously and said he was going to the managers' convention in philly and i just needed to find a place in d.c. i could stay. LMAO. then he said i should call clint and stay there. HA!

but after tonight, i deserve that type of mini-getaway. ;-) riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. and then i'd be obsessive. not so much.

ah...patty pulls through on the HDTB. :-)

Howie Day
Saturday July 14th
Iron Horse Music Hall
Northampton, MA

Set Time ~11:00 pm -1:00 am (roughly)

Madrigals
Disco
Ghost->beams of light outro
Morning After
Lover You Should've Come Over - Jeff Buckley
Sorry So Sorry
She Says->One->She Says
More you Understand
Bunnies
Secret (head bob @ beginning)
Karma Police
Slow Down
*Chris Farley impression
Buzzing
After You
___
Sweet

suddenly thought about the number of tshirts i have gotten at various shows. don't ask me why i thought of this, but wow. that's a lot of shirts. is there a support group for this? "hello, my name is victoria, and i'm addicted to concert merchandise."

IM conversation with caswell:
ben: "hey vick?"
me: "hey"
ben: "did you go to a concert last night?"
me (thoroughly confused): "yes."
me (still confused): "howie day"
ben: "oh, ok, wrong one."
me (WTF?): "what?"
ben: "a girl who looked like you flashed the crowd at mine last night."

LOL. hmm...somehow i don't see flashing occuring at hd shows any time soon. just about as soon as people start crowdsurfing.

riiiiiiiiight.

long shift at work. i need to wake up early and do something tomorrow morning and afternoon before work, some way of alleviating the pain in my legs. i've been downright vicious to my body the last couple of days.

in other news, it feels like i'm approaching christmas. i thought tonight about how i'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of my guitar. then i thought about waiting for my new glasses. and the radiohead and b.f.f. cds. could you imagine if i woke up tomorrow and got all of it on the same day?

now, naturally, i've jinxed it, but whatever.

the song of the night, for whatever reason, is dmb "lie in our graves". i could not stop playing it at work tonight and can't stop singing it now.

and now the controversy and flaming begins on buzzing because of howie's "jamming". gotta love it...

what a random night.

arrive in northampton around 7:45, doors were to open at 9. there was already a line forming outside the club, which is on a tiny side street in the center of town. i find myself standing by two girls, natalie and a girl whose name i wish i could recall (this girl had the added distinction of never having seen howie before). around 8:30, stephanie finds me for her ticket, and we wind up talking while we wait. 9 rolls around. 9:30, 9:45...jamie was talking to a girl ahead of us at one point and said there was a 7 p.m. show in the space, and he hadn't even begun bringing in the equipment. at some point a man with long hair and a tuxedo climbed down from the floor above an italian resturant across the street--climbed down from the window. numerous people walked by wondering what was going on at the iron horse tonight, due to the long line.

finally we get in. i need to say that if i were to ever own a musical performance space, i want it to be like the iron horse. i absolutely adore it. walking in, you turn to the right and can either go up the stairs to your left to a balcony with tables and chairs, straight towards the back of the house, or right, down the stairs to the floor space in front of the stage (which is directly to your right) the four of us went for the stage and i found myself third row dead center. not bad at all.

the opening act was doing soundcheck. of all people, it was rebecca from the real world seattle. she was accompanied by her guitarist, who literally had a computer set up on stage so he could build songs (think howie's pedals taken to the next level, apparently). i wanted to know what program he used for it, but of course, i couldn't see. rebecca was pretty good, i suppose, i didn't like the fact that she took away from her performance after every song when she said something like, "it's a little different than howie". i got into a couple of her songs, but after standing around for about three hours waiting for everything to start, forgive me for not being overly loud. i liked that she drank wine instead of water, and that she only played four or five songs (see previous tirade about being tired and add to that that i just wanted to see howie, dammit).

then, after more impatient waiting (which was actually enjoyable talking with different people there--it's always bizarre to see people that i know are on buzzing, but i've obviously never met, but some of them last night were really fun), howie finally took the stage.

keep in mind that i haven't seen him headline since september, and at each show between now and then, he's been right on and professional. and didn't talk much.

he started it off on the second song (maybe? very early into the set) with some really bad notes while playing with the pedals. he sang the wrong lyric during "secret". he was blasphemous and turned the first half of "lover you should have come over" into a peppy little ditty. he messed up the pedals again. he was talking absolute nonsense. he was having fun.

it was wonderful.

i'm sick of howie being all professional and perfect and whatnot. i like being there when he's human and messes up and has fun with it. seeing him bunch up his eyebrows in frustration over the second pedal incident and flip off the pedals. hearing him explain the problem with the bad notes by talking about watching figure skating "i always want to see them fall...i don't mean them physical harm or anything, but..."

rumor had it (well, fuck rumor, i heard from a good source) that the show was being recorded for a live release (which anyone who has seen him live would agree is a great idea), but somehow, i doubt that show will be officially released any time soon. ;-)

i don't necessarily look forward to specific songs at his shows--i've heard them enough times, i know they're good. i look forward to fragments now, little bits that give me goosebumps and remind me of why i'm there. the final "we will always be the same" in "more you understand", when he wails on that high note; bits of the chorus in "sorry so sorry", the guitar breakdown and lead into the"africa" tease in "buzzing", the "still see a flash" line in "madrigals", watching him build the percussion track in "after you" by beating on his guitar. watching him bounce around hitting the necessary pedals, and watching his reaction when they do or don't work, etc. different moments that i always look forward to because it shows just how good he is. they make the live shows worthwhile, and that's why i've gone to see him five times.

the fact that he played "lover" was the icing on the cake. i wanted to hear buckley so badly, and when he started playing the chords (granted, much too fast because he was playing around with the first half), my eyes lit up. his last song before his encore was "after you", which has become my favorite song (second to "she says", obviously, which is so much better with the "one" tease) since the paradise show, and the buildup to the end of the song was outstanding. i was in shock. radiohead nods were much appreciated. i will say that by the end of his encore, "sweet," i did just want him to end the show, because at that point, i'd been standing for about six hours, with the line and whatnot. it was nearly 1 a.m., and i was exhausted. when i finally did try to move, my knees nearly buckled.

i wanted my photo with him, so i tried to get out of the club very quickly, but when he walked off the stage he walked out the front door (again, my sources are excellent) and headed up the street. i'm sure he was coming back shortly, but i needed to get home, so i did not get my picture. dammit. if anyone can help me in my "picture with howie day" quest, feel free.

but i snuck two pictures while he was performing before i was told i couldn't take pictures (dammit). so hopefully those'll come out.

oy. tired me.

LOL. got off the phone with stephanie a minute ago about the extra ticket. i'm her hero.

random email of the day is brought to you courtesty of leadgreed.com

Hello, and thanks for entering the Win Free Pizza for a Year Sweepstakes!

??????????????

also just realized i missed "spinning into butter" at the playhouse. luckily it will be back in the fall, but i'm kicking myself for not being able to go up to see jill.

driving home from the shift from hell (i punched out at 12:58 a.m. this SHOULD NOT HAPPEN), i was cruising down west proctor road, when, for whatever reason, i began thinking about how it was perfect weather for the deer to be out. not as if it does me any good--i get teased by my family constantly for the number of years i've lived in vermont and the two or three deer i've seen while in a car. a few minutes later, lo and behold, a deer bounds across the road ahead of me. i stopped the car, the deer stopped at the side of the road, and we both looked at it each other. it was a gorgeous creature--a doe--and then it scampered (as if a deer can really scamper, but i digress) through a lawn into the woods. it made my drive home that much more pleasant. :-)

howie tomorrow. i asked ashley what she was doing tomorrow night, and she's supposed to close, but she's been so enthusiastic about howie (moreso than me sometimes, if that's not scary), so i thought i'd invite her along. if she could have gotten the shift covered, she was all set to come, but it doesn't look it. but i got in touch with stephanie off buzzing who'd been looking for a ticket, so i think i'm going to give it to her. i'm bringing my notebook along to jot down ideas for the concert review i'm planning on writing. i'm thinking about a large series of reviews (theatre, music, concerts, etc) for my senior sem. we'll see.

i started writing two other reviews today--one for "grace", one for "room for squares". the latter will be relatively easy. the former, however, has been a bitch. i've been playing with the idea for awhile, but i can't get the descriptions down. everything about buckley is so artistic and graceful, so i feel as if he deserves the same careful selection of phrasing for a review. it's incredibly difficult, but i know when i'm finally satisfied with it, it'll be a great piece.

reading syliva put me in an odd spot--sylvia was writing about how she was reading virginia woolf's journals and how that's affected her writing. i suddenly felt as if i was in a circular pattern. it was the oddest sensation...

i work at 9 a.m. tomorrow. which means i need sleep.

happy friday the thirteenth. :-)

alright, ignore earlier tirade, i'm feeling significantly better. actually had an enjoyable afternoon--since it was a relatively cool day (autumn weather--i adored it, cortni lamented), swimming was out of the question, so a game of minigolf took place. the best course around here in in fort anne, ny--a bit of a trek, but it gave us time to talk and catch up. i had two holes in one, and eventually decided i was going to focus less on my score and more on interesting ways to play (this also, oddly enough, occurred at the same point at which i lost my putting ability--hmm...). i lost by one stroke because of this. c'est la vie.

while i've seen cortni each time i've been home, it's been ages since i'd been to her house. it felt comforting to sit on the stools in the kitchen, chatting with her mother (i've called her "mummy" for years), and feeling that while many, many things have changed, it was nice to be able to return to a constant. if that makes sense.

i went running this evening, and while i didn't get far this time, i took the first step (bad, bad pun for which i apologize) and went. my body protested the entire time. but relaxing afterwards watching "whose line is it anyway?" (i miss comedy central and the british version SO MUCH), my body felt better than it has in ages. it had accomplished something and forced itself out of its lazy, lathargic state of being. i plan on going again tomorrow--but if my body is too sore, i won't do too much too soon. every other day to start.

i took the same path i always take--down to gorham bridge, but i found myself noticing things i'd missed every other time. like the small gravestone at the edge of the coda's front lawn, right by the road. it was for an infant born in 1853 who lived two days. a small cluster of pink flowers nestled against the stone first caught my eye. i've been running that route for at least seven years, and i never noticed the stone before.

whose line made me miss improv and rough edges.

hello, my name is victoria, and i am a wretched human being.

saturday night is going to suck now, no matter what i do. the one thing i was looking forward to. the gods are currently laughing at me. fuckers.

i feel a need to go running today. why is it that i cannot have anything work out as of late? every decision i have to make feels like one of epic proportions. what to do about my future. what i'm going to do this year. and this concert was what i've been focusing on throughout all the bullshit. everything's been set. i've had my ticket, i know how i'm getting there, what i'm doing, etc.

and now, two days before i blissfully travel to northampton to see howie headline for the first time since last september, one little phone call screws me over and makes me feel like a bitch.

do i do what i know i SHOULD do? or do i do what i WANT to do? i spend a lot of time doing what i should do, isn't it about time i did something for myself? my mind keeps screaming at me for even considering this.

this blows.

the word on the street (so to speak) is that room for squares has been picked up by columbia records for a larger scale release in september.

while i'm not a fan of the album (by any means), go john! yet another example of the soon-to-be bittersweet pangs when it comes to john--happy for his success, yet wishing he could stay a secret...one of the people in jamie's chat was a columbia employee--said r.f.s. has sold 15,000 already. it's incredible, seeing the numbers...

last night i was lying in bed with my headphones on, listening to jeff buckley's "grace". by the time i slipped off the headphones and curled up to go to sleep, i was in the happiest, most relaxed mood. i plan on trying it again tonight. i've listened to it countless times since i bought it, yet every time i still find myself amazed. i tried writing a review for it this afternoon--it's a work in progress. will keep updated as it improves.

plans to meet up with cortni and go swimming tomorrow. :-)

saturday's show is sold out, i am excited, and i am creating new howie fans at work.

other than that, waiting to hear from the guitar store so i can get my guitar paid for and sent to me. i want it i want it i want it.

Gardenofsand: musicians around the world cringe simultaneously.

Gardenofsand: your taste alone is enough to make me cringe.
Gardenofsand: :-)

magdalena281: i am so excited:-)
Gardenofsand: you often are.
magdalena281: yep, but this is justified!
Gardenofsand: um... that's a matter of opinion
magdalena281: this is fact, dear unenlightened boy
Gardenofsand: and frankly, i'm inclinde to think that you're nuts

Gardenofsand: g'night. enjoy your guitar.
Gardenofsand: offer tommy my condolences.

note to self: play for boy. make boy cringe. hehehehe.

THE GUITAR IS MINE.

i loathe going to the optomitrist. but it's always balanced by the fact that i get a new pair of glasses. :) new frames have been ordered and should be in in about a week. i will say no more about them until then. :)

and nine hours until the guitar is mine. :-)

my brother left today to meet up with the rebs and head out on tour. first stop is chicago to visit with the head honchos at victory records.

the previous quote was courtesy of wonkabar23 on the john mayer email list--another excerpt provided by wb23 from a different article/interview:
"I've always had a skewed perspective on things. A lot of my songs are based on the feeling of being lost or not knowing what's going on. I'm like a stoner who doesn't smoke pot.
"More than anyone else, (Ben Folds Five pianist/songwriter) Ben Folds is the reason I started writing. He had a very breezy conversational style of writing that left the stance of being a poet and became ultra-conversational. It was still very poetic, but sort of aloof lyrically."
i read the words and can hear his voice saying it. john mayer is akin to dave matthews that way...i could listen to him speak forever and not pay attention to what he says whatsoever. or i can listen to him speak and just be amazed by the thoughts he puts out there and the lyrical, musical way he speaks conversationally...

"Aware Records' John Mayer is an incredible guitarist and an engaging live performer, which only partly explains why he can go into a market like Chicago (where he'd played twice before, as an opener in a 150-seat room) and headline and sell-out the 1400-capacity House of Blues with no airplay. It's Mayer's rabid online fan army, along with Aware's expertise in selling APM music, that are combining to grow his following, fast. "No Such Thing" was a 10-time winner on the WTTS Cage Match, qualifying it for an automatic add, as well as a place in the "Cage Match Hall of Fame," an honor bestowed on only two other songs, one of which was Train's "Drops of Jupiter." And MD Marie McCallister (whose ears I trust implicitly) told me last week that she can't stop listening to the song. Now I'm hooked."--Mike Morrison, Hits Magazine

yeah rabid online fan army!!!!!! ;)

decided against the takamine. i don't need a super duper amazing guitar--i'm just learning.

i did, however, bid on a different guitar. in 25 hours, it'll be MINE!!!!!

i need to make a couple of major decisions.

first is the guitar situation. went to be music today to ask about the takamine i'm thinking about. everyone i've spoken to (i also emailed rick about it) says it's a great guitar to begin with. and it felt incredibly nice to see it in front of me at the store and pick it up and hold it (i know i'm pathetic).

so do i want to get it? if so, how? get the "starter kit" in rutland or just the guitar through ebay? which will save me money in the long run? tomorrow morning, during the "let's help vickie not be blind anymore" campaign (read: eye appointment), we're making a stop at advance music to compare prices and figure some stuff out.

then, my other decision...which is leaving me so befuddled i can't even begin to get into it now. how i LOATHE having to make monumental decisions like this...

jeff started my day off on a very high note, as a much-anticipated package arrived in the mail. as i type this, i am sitting in my brother's creaky, oh-so-comfortable desk chair, softly singing along with howie to 'secret'. i drove to fair haven for the manager's meeting with all windows rolled down and the first john cd blaring, a smile on my face as i remembered how i felt at the paradise, up against the stage, occasionally exchanging happy glances with michelle as we watched each of our favorite singers perform right in front of us.

now off to ebay so i can look up guitars.

not sure of exactly what i thought of today. random notes:

- long, long day. pulled overtime this week, which makes me happy because it means i'll make at least a little extra money. was also happy to get visits. :-)
- found the ideal vickie car, but i don't think there's any way i'll be able to afford it. but it's soooo right...
- came up with a couple of ideas for senior sem project
- saw "o brother where art thou?". fascinating to watch. i think i liked it? i'm 99% sure i liked it. i think i need to watch it again. regardlesss, new respect for george clooney.
- finally, finally saw "the seven little foys". my mother has been telling me since freshman year that i need to see this movie, because james cagney reprises his role as george m. cohan for a seven minute scene with bob hope. they dance on tables. reading cagney last summer further intrigued me, after learning about what went into the filming of that scene. cagney strained a muscle jumping onto the table at the beginning, to the point that when he was done, part of his leg was swollen twice its normal size. i looked at his face througout the scene, searching for a glimpse of pain. didn't find it at all. james cagney was grace and beauty when he danced. especially obvious when hope was dancing beside him (who did an excellent job mastering the steps, but he didn't have the natural poise and stature of a dancer). it was great to watch.
- flipping through the channels this evening, i came across one of the funniest things to watch--parliament debates on c-span (i think it's c-span). am i the only one who finds watching this hysterical? what i would give to see congress run the same way...it would certainly make me feel more inclined to focus on politics...
- wanting very much to get down to d.c. again sometime soon. STILL NEED TO FIND ROLL #2 OF FILM.
- feeling a bit happier.
- ticket still available for howie. if i don't find anyone around here who wants it, i'm offering it to the buzzing people tomorrow night. so let me know. perhaps cortni would want to come...
- have first managers' meeting at 10, so sleep is necessary.

THE ATARIS ARE PLAYING SUFFOLK DOWNS FOR WARPED.

"san dimas high school football rules" is still, in my opinion, one of the sweetest little songs ever. and every year i've wanted to see them at warped, they've only played west coast.

i have a feeling i have to go to the show now...on damn, twist my arm a little more.

i'm also deliberating about radiohead on august 14...how awesome a show would that be...

tired me. i pretty much ran the shift tonight at work--andrea decided i might as well get some managerial practice, so i was in charge until 10. initially, i have no idea of why, but i was really nervous. hell, it's all the stuff i always do anyway, right? but just being the person everyone was coming to with problems, instead of being the person who covered for the person everyone went to, was really strange.

once i got over that and figured out how to work with some of the crew who aren't overly thrilled with me half the time, it was a piece of cake. i realized i'd won a small victory somewhere along the line when one girl who normally is very assertive and tries to tell me what to do (a 15-year-old trying to boss me around??? honey, i was doing this when you were 10. i don't think so) wound up getting all of her work done and doing what i wanted her to do without her fully realizing that she was doing it. if that makes sense. i was happy.

i drove home tonight with the windows wide open, singing renditions of the "working" songs. don't ask me why or how these songs got in my head, but they did. tonight, i almost regretted not auditioning for it--it's still killing me that certain people (not to name names, but can i just say WALL) have been in a mainstage and i haven't (as a cast member, that is, yes, i was god for a couple months). it's going to make my life a living hell, but i must audition for "arcadia" this semester. kirk production, i know, but still...

planning on spending time with my family tomorrow evening, which makes me happy, as i think not seeing them has been contributing to my feelings of melancholy lately. it's scary to think tom's leaving for warped on tuesday...i told him to get the rebs to stop in fairmont, indiana (it's just about along the way) to take james dean-related photos for me. we shall see...speaking of warped, maybe i should try to get to a show this summer--haven't been able to since '99, and rancid is going to be back, as well as the vandals AND dropkick murphys, which makes me happy, plus blink 182 again and i'd be interested in seeing the henry rollins band, and seeing marky ramone play with the misfits (in a dream world, wearing drew's river city rebels tshirt) would be cool...it's playing suffolk downs on august 9 and montreal on the 10th...hmm...

in other news, i have a new project to work on--hoping to find a way to score an interview for defender this fall. more to come...

i must be at work in 8.5 hours. i sleep now. joey--you'll get my analysis tomorrow afternoon. :)

spring break fund update: at this rate, i could get to...perhaps boston. ;) but it's a start!

i have in my possession one extra ticket to howie day at the ironhorse in northampton on the 14th. contact me if you're interested, and we'll see what we can do.

*****long rambling somewhat incoherent thought process follows*****
i panicked a bit today. i started fearing that i was on the path to a meaningless, insignificant existance and i freaked out.

what brought this on? not entirely sure, a number of factors, i believe. for one, the fact that i can't imagine myself actually DOING anything after i graduate. granted, i didn't imagine myself in college, i didn't imagine myself doing any of the things i've already done. nonetheless, that made me nervous. i'm craving the rush of excitement i get on defender monday nights--the months without it has left a void in myself, and i'm afraid i won't be able to fill it again.

my brother has a damn production company now, which doesn't help me feel significant...it's actually brilliant, his plan--take the punk concerts he's filmed and sell the videos. he's got the release forms and whatnot, so why not make some money? it just made me, working my lovely job at mcdonald's, seem like i'm wasting my youth away...and the fact that he's doing this AND preparing to go on tour with the rebels for warped tour at the age of 18 doesn't help me feel any better at all.

i don't know, i've just always been determined that whatever i do in my life is going to have significance. now, as i near the beginning of the rest of my life, i'm left wondering precisely what it is that i am going to do. or, as the fear sets in, what i can do. i see people around me who know exactly what it is that they are going to do with their lives. people moving ahead towards those goals. and much as i'm trying, i feel like i'm not moving as quickly as they are, and it leaves me wondering what i'm doing wrong.

so i need something other than my job to occupy my days. i think i am going to get a guitar as quickly as possible so i'll have at least some outlet for my energy and frustrations. and tomorrow i am going to wake up early (relatively speaking--my night-owl schedule has me waking at noon lately) and either go for a run or take mikey's camera and use up a roll of film. or maybe use the air pump, enflate my soccer ball, put on the kleats, and go to the high school to mess around with my very very rusty soccer skills.

just SOMETHING.

is this what john mayer's talking about in "why georgia"? it might be a quarter life crisis or just the stirring in my soul, either way i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life...

whatever. i'm going to bed.

LMAO

kudos to whoever took the picture of john at the improved site--i approve very, very much. and let's give a hand to scotty for following through and updating the road journal throughout the east coast tour...i'm well aware of how difficult that must be, you know, being so busy and all...heheheheh

in other news--i'm deliberating...

couldn't sleep. got bored. made wishlist for shits and giggles.

there are now two tickets waiting for me in northampton for the 14th. when my father told me he'd called for me, i got the sudden urge to say "it's all happening..." like from "almost famous". yet i contained myself. something to look forward to, anyway...

and i'm finally going to be able to get new glasses. appointment on tuesday. i adore being able to get new glasses...and let's face it, these ones are begging to be replaced. i'm thinking dark frames...

not much else to report today. tired.

jamie sent an email to buzzing about a band he's fallen in love with while spending some time this week in ireland called bran'do. so now here i am with the family computer that is ridiculously slow and only has a 2 GB hard drive, trying to get audiogalaxy to cooperate and not crash the entire system while dealing with a *gasp of horror* ridiculously slow modem connection so i can hear more of them. i've heard snippets of a couple songs and i'm intrigued...
DAMN YOU JAMIE, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!!!!!!

what a crazy 50 hours. another reason i love being my age--i'm fully justified in doing things that in all logical thinking make absolutely no sense, but season my summer days with excitement.

so michelle calls at work around 10:15 monday night and asks why i can't go to quincy for the famous third of july celebration. after explaining the bus situation, she asked if i could go if she were to drive up and get me. i say yes, she says she's on her way up.

i meet her at bethy's around 2:30, and after a few, we head home. went to bed around 3:30, alarm set for 6:00. and i couldn't sleep.

so after approximately an hour and a half of sleep (if i'm lucky), we head out. we shot for a 6:30 departure, left around 6:45. arrive at amelia's at 10:30, then she runs me back to her place and i promptly crash on the couch. rita and i watch the coyote ugly dvd, and i expect to fall asleep during it, but instead watch the film and all of the additional features before i drift off to a couple hours' sleep.

wake up, eat a little lunch (rita rules and bought me wendy's--trips to quincy and wendy's has become peanut butter and jelly for me--can't have one without the other), then head out to "the packy" to get alcohol. michelle gets denied because her ID had expired. so we pick up donald, he didn't bring his ID, so we drive him back. HE gets denied because his ID had expired. so we pick up clarky, who was already drunk, and we're wondering if he's even going to remember what we need. yet he pulls through, so we head to rob's. then dom's, then around the waterfront.

the evening can be recalled by colors--the yellow molten ambers of the fire as dom cooked steak tips and of the bonfire at the water's edge, the black inky mirror of the ocean, sterile sky blue from the flourescent street light that kept flickering on and off throughout the evening, glittering silver and green of the fireworks over the water, the flash of an orange visor, the blue, yellow, and red of the glowsticks around hundreds of necks (including my own).

the number of people celebrating and having fun was unlike any neighborhood celebration i've ever attended. walking by the police with my plastic cup was an odd sensation, but unsuprisingly pleasant. i love michelle's friends, and felt comfortable joking around with donald and joycey in particular. one guy introduced himself to me the most creative way i've experienced...while there was a bit of disappointment, i'm choosing to focus on the positive, because it was too good a time to be soured by a bad mood.

walking home, the inevitable exhaustion, weariness, and frustration: a man screaming in the street at the "cokeheads" who are ruining "his neighborhood", storming up to the link fence in what seemed to be a surefire prelude to a punch (later met by police), a drunk girl hysterical and begging for her friend to let her go, a teenage boy trying to get another to admit he didn't cause the black eye on the latter's face. the buildup of the day had taken its toll. yet i know everyone will be ready for another fantastic time next year. as am i. :)

i arrived back in fair haven in time for my shift and finally made the trek home, collapsing into the creaky chair in front of the computer to jot down my thoughts before i collapse for my much-deserved slumber.

happy belated fourth, happy belated third, and thank you to quincy for a blast. :)

oh, the now somewhat untimely link of the day is provided by bethy: "what a way to celebrate this day of domination"

in an odd turn of randomness, i am about to hop in a car and go to quincy after all.

i finally ordered the last of my cds with columbia house today. ordered radiohead (the bends) and ben folds five (forever and ever amen), two selections that i should have gotten eons ago anyway. looking forward to getting them, not only to enjoy the music, but to finally be free of columbia house FOREVER. hehehehe.
figured out financial aid today--turns out my experience with the playhouse is costing me more than i expected--subsidized, unsubsidized loans, yadda yadda. but yet another one of those "the experience was worth it" type of scenarios...
today has been a day of frustration and bittersweetness. frustration from examining everything i need to get done within the next year and bittersweetness because it seemed as if being in this position was never going to come. to think, at this time next year...

ah, i'd rather not think about it.
so, challenges ahead of me:
- buy car (work in progress)
- buy new guitar (work in progress)
- internship (aurgh)
- exec ed
- senior sem
- maintain sanity (the most difficult challenge of all)

but now, i have to go to work.

oy VAY.