*****long rambling somewhat incoherent thought process follows*****
i panicked a bit today. i started fearing that i was on the path to a meaningless, insignificant existance and i freaked out.

what brought this on? not entirely sure, a number of factors, i believe. for one, the fact that i can't imagine myself actually DOING anything after i graduate. granted, i didn't imagine myself in college, i didn't imagine myself doing any of the things i've already done. nonetheless, that made me nervous. i'm craving the rush of excitement i get on defender monday nights--the months without it has left a void in myself, and i'm afraid i won't be able to fill it again.

my brother has a damn production company now, which doesn't help me feel significant...it's actually brilliant, his plan--take the punk concerts he's filmed and sell the videos. he's got the release forms and whatnot, so why not make some money? it just made me, working my lovely job at mcdonald's, seem like i'm wasting my youth away...and the fact that he's doing this AND preparing to go on tour with the rebels for warped tour at the age of 18 doesn't help me feel any better at all.

i don't know, i've just always been determined that whatever i do in my life is going to have significance. now, as i near the beginning of the rest of my life, i'm left wondering precisely what it is that i am going to do. or, as the fear sets in, what i can do. i see people around me who know exactly what it is that they are going to do with their lives. people moving ahead towards those goals. and much as i'm trying, i feel like i'm not moving as quickly as they are, and it leaves me wondering what i'm doing wrong.

so i need something other than my job to occupy my days. i think i am going to get a guitar as quickly as possible so i'll have at least some outlet for my energy and frustrations. and tomorrow i am going to wake up early (relatively speaking--my night-owl schedule has me waking at noon lately) and either go for a run or take mikey's camera and use up a roll of film. or maybe use the air pump, enflate my soccer ball, put on the kleats, and go to the high school to mess around with my very very rusty soccer skills.

just SOMETHING.

is this what john mayer's talking about in "why georgia"? it might be a quarter life crisis or just the stirring in my soul, either way i wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life...

whatever. i'm going to bed.