around 10:15 this evening, i felt compelled to rent a movie. so i drove to blockbuster and rented "wonder boys". i'd wanted to see it for awhile.

love that movie. it connected with me. perhaps the manner in which everything spins so horribly out of control in the course of only a few days...but at the same time, i was laughing. plus the manner in which writing ties together the plot, weaving in and out of it on a regular basis. i needed this movie.

blah. not doing particularly well today. lazy, lathargic day of summer leaves me feeling restless, yet at the same time, too frustrated with my current situation to feel compelled to try to change anything.

the more you branch out, the more difficulty that comes your way. fact of life. it's what makes life so great, right? it's what i've always wanted--to grow older, to have new challenges and opportunities. yet right now, i would give anything to be able to curl up in my world as it used to be and just exist in ignorant bliss.

the summer is racing by. in a little over a month, i'll be back at school for my final year. i've seen my summer plans, so carefully constructed and anticipated, crash and burn. right now, i was supposed to be wrapping up a month at the o'neil. preparing for a month or so at the free press. anxiously awaiting a semester working as executive editor of the defender. figuring out what i want to do with my life, but at the same time, relaxing up at school, getting paid for doing minimal work. i was all set.

the o'neil fell through. the free press deal, while i still have it, has been postponed until the spring because of the policy the school has put into place. defender is stressing me out already, and i haven't even started yet.

part of me is really glad i'm home, because it gives me an opportunity to really center myself and figure out what i want and whatnot. but at the same time, i'm not completely happy anywhere. i know, nothing's ever going to be perfect, but at the same time, i just want to fit somewhere. and right now, the pieces aren't quite coming together. and to top it all off, i can't write lately to save my life. i feel what i want to express becoming bottled up inside of me, but when i put a pen to the paper of my notebook, nothing comes out. or things come out, only to be crossed out seconds later. i can feel it inside me, as if some great idea is simmering, but i can't put my fingers on it to develop it.

to top it all off, i miss everyone, who seem to be having a great time at whatever they're doing. jen is off in spain, which is amazing. michelle and my schedules haven't been lining up well lately, so i haven't heard much from her, and everyone at school is working when i'm off and off when i'm working. and things with cortni are odd.

i wish things were like they were when i was younger, at my old house, playing in and around the small bushes in the middle of the backyard for hours. the days seemed to stretch out forever in front of me. summer alone seemed to last years. until i was 10 or 11, i would fit in between the bushes, up against a small stone monument that was erected there. the bushes formed a half-circle around the stone, and there was enough space between the shrubbery and rock for me to fit. i used to think of the space as my own special sanctuary, and i would hide in there, coming up with stories in my mind, creating situations and playing all of the parts. the different small stones that composed the back of the monument were various magic touchstones, and i encorporated them into whatever scenario i had conjured up. i loved that space. it was mine, and when i was in it, i was safe and invincible.

as i grew older, summer softball stretched out the days, day-glo yellow balls sharply contrasting the murky twilight in the final innings of each game. after the games, pitching with my mother, my frustrations over mechanics and drills. so many drills. feeling frustrated that i couldn't pitch a strike from second base during a distance drill. my mother either catching or fetching each ball and throwing it back to me. eventually investing in shinpads because we came to determine that i had a tendancy to pitch them low. three days a week, all summer long.

there wasn't thinking about how, in mid-july, summer was starting to wrap up. there weren't the questions about what i want to do when i graduate. talk of grad school or working at a newspaper or being a critic or maybe working p.r. at a record label or a novel or anything. there wasn't all of this pressure, wondering if i'm making the right decisions or if the one chance i pass up on is The Big Opportunity. and then wondering why i'm feeling pressure when it's the summer, for crying out loud.

the summer isn't just the summer anymore.

that's it. enough sitting here feeling sorry for myself. tomorrow: call cortni. get in touch with bethy. try calling people. get in touch. feel connected again, let myself touch other people and let them touch me. HAVE A GOOD DAY, for christ's sake.