Good, Bad, Ugly

There's been a particularly lingering crush, and it's bothering the hell out of me.

He is a pain in the ass. Opinionated and stubborn, he likes to be the one doing the talking, doing the explaining. He seems accustomed to people hanging on every word he says. He talks when he feels like it, not necessarily when others want to talk about something. Yes, he can be charming and sincere and seemingly thoughtful, and yes I find myself happy when I'm in his company, but these demonstrations occur on his timetable, not necessarily others. He can forget about things that are important to other people. He hears what he wants to and expects a grin and sheepish apology to make up for being incorrect.

Granted, I could say many of those things about myself. And therein lies part of the problem. The guy reminds me so much of myself sometimes that I wonder if I'm incredibly narcissistic or a sucker.

Whatever it is, I still think he's pretty amazing. And that, in turn, pisses me off.

As I said my goodbyes and shook some hands with a smile recently, I realized that it was nice to be able to say hello and introduce myself to people I'd never before met. To establish, if only for a beat, the reality that a few Yous and I exist in the same place at the same time. And we were all aware of that for a moment, through eye contact, a smile and some chitchat.

It was very nice. But that was it. And I realized, as I said goodnight with a wave over my shoulder, that this realization brought both good and bad news.

The good? I'm not quite as susceptible as I'd thought to those particular kinds of men. And that's not why I've found myself with a crush that I'm starting once again to force myself to shake off.

The bad? Apparently I just have really exasperating taste in men.