Mind the lessons in your dreams.

Beth took in the sight of my flushed cheeks and irrepressible grin and shook her head with a laugh.

"You're always so optimistic, idealistic," she said as she sipped from her iced espresso-based beverage. "You're like the little kid specifically told not to touch the stove. You just have to reach over and try anyway."

I snickered, but had to give her credit. There's a reason why she's a best friend - she knows me better than I know myself.

I'd rather get burned than wonder; I'd rather know than not know.

Not knowing sucks.
--------------
I hadn't expected last night's trip through photographic memory lane to carry over into sleep. Yet I found myself back at college, walking through the warm, early May night.

The field was taken over by revelers moving from party to party.

As groups stopped to catch up or say goodbye, it seemed the rest of the partygoers realized the best way to see everyone was to move the party outside. The grassy space separating houses from the rest of campus was quickly teeming with people hugging and sipping from beer bottles. Light spilled out onto the grass from open townhouse doors; music from various parties mixed together in the night air to form a indistinguishable soundtrack for goodbyes.

I'd found him while I said goodbye to other friends, and we began to walk to his house so he could mix me a drink. As we walked, chatted and tried to ignore the fact that it was likely the last time I'd see him, he draped an arm over my shoulders and leaned his head on top of mine.

"You know, we should have gone out." I forced myself to keep walking without hesitation.

"What?"

"We should have gone out." He said it simply, as if it was as commonly known as the fact that he was graduating in a week. Granted, I knew it to be the case, but I'd never had any idea that he'd thought so as well.

I tried to play it off casually. He had a girlfriend; I was among the first groups to congratulate him after learning that she'd accepted his proposal.

"Yeah, I know." He gave my shoulder a squeeze.

I'd never even hinted at the fact that I'd had a crush on him - I knew his girlfriend; I liked his girlfriend. Besides, he had taken me under his wing during my first weeks of college as his little sister; and that he was one who preferred to tell you you were cool than that he cared about you made it easy to avoid any potential awkwardness.

We should have gone out. Who knows if we would have, had either of us opened our mouths to say something.

We each thought about the statement for a second, chuckled and carried on the conversation it interrupted. Nothing to be done about it now.

As the night drew to a close, I hugged him and forced myself not to cry. I promised to make the trip back to campus for graduation and really say goodbye then. I didn't know if I'd see him in the crush after graduation, but it seemed easier for us both to at least feign that we'd see each other.

He hugged me tight and quickly kissed the top of my head. "See you next week. Be safe," he said. And I smiled, turned and walked away as quickly as I could while still looking casual.

Cursing myself the entire walk home.