seething with frustration
OR
oh fuck off

i am going to be composed, cool and collected. so i'm an idiot - big deal. so i can't write - hey, it'll be ok. so i feel as if i am the moron of the office - alright, we'll deal with it.

i have lost the ability to write anything. i have not had a day yet during which i have felt capable of ... well ... doing much of anything. i'm planning on taking a walk in a few minutes - going outside to cool off among the falling snowflakes, get a cup of coffee and relax.

did i really learn so little during my college education? am i really that stupid? or is it that i'm just not supposed to do this afterall? am i just making things more difficult for myself by doubting my abilities? write what you know - well, i was. and now i'm writing about things i don't know. and i'm getting fucking pissed off.

i'm a good writer and i know it. but trying to figure out how to fit that writing into the necessary style - figuring out how to find the quirky things, the things worth reading - it's proving much more difficult than anticipated. i'm reminding myself that this is a first step. and that it takes everyone a few months when they begin in this type of setting to settle in and have things come more easily. but even the basic writing is leaving me frustrated. for christ's sake, what's my problem?

i worked so hard yesterday and felt as if i had accomplished so much. and now i'm feeling like the thrashing machine i'd been avoiding is on top of me.

i know it's impossible to write your own ticket and do exactly what you want all of the time, but still ... i never thought it would feel more like Work than anything else.