Feign-free

status check - Meh.
background ambiance - Jason Mraz, "Geek in the Pink"

I often half-wish I was capable of detached indifference. It would be so much easier, I think to myself, if I was able to look at something and not feel anything. I'd be able to be casually aloof, distant, above all of the mess that comes with caring about things or people.

I say half-wish because I was indifferent once. I didn't give a damn about all of the things that I used to care about - those things that I care about again now. I raised indifference to a whole new level, really. I discovered that my all-or-nothing personality trait even applied indifference. If I wasn't going to bother with caring, I was going to go all out.

It wasn't a good scene - I didn't like who I'd become. So I fixed it. And things got better.

I'll take my sensitive self over that cold doppleganger anyday. But it would be nice, sometimes, to find that middle ground. To be fine with unanswered questions, to not think of the past while looking at the present. To not care about how I'm perceived by others. To not think about what effect my perceptions may have.

Or, at least, to be able to feign that indifference.

Unfortunately, however, years of experiences have begun to indicate that I'm never going to be able to feign as well as I want. So, instead, I'm stuck with caring.

Whether others do or not. And whether I like it or not.