this comes from today's new york times. one of the best editorials i've ever read.

The Call

Of all the heart-rending stories that emerged from Tuesday's disaster, what resonates most, somehow, is the thought of those phone calls that went out in the all-too-brief gap between the first airliner's crash into the World Trade Center and the towers' final collapse.

People trapped in hijacked airplanes or burning buildings picked up their cell phones, or swiped a credit card through the phone on the back of a seat, and made a final call. Facing sudden death, they were given the chance to say a few last words to a loved one. Almost invariably, they chose things that they probably said every day — I love you. Take care of the children. Take care of yourself. The sentiments surely sounded inadequate as they were spoken, if only because they would have to stand in for a lifetime of words that could no longer be said.

In almost every human tragedy, there is an ungraspable gap between the ordinary, everyday objects that somehow become absorbed in it and the gravity of the event itself. Cell phones have become such routine, indispensable irritants in ordinary life that we forget the ways they have reinvented the act of conversation. Because of the informality that often arises from the frequency with which we use them, we tend to talk on them with friends and family almost as if we were together in person, saying nothing much, perhaps, in the unexpressed knowledge that the joy of talking together regularly doesn't require saying much. All that matters sometimes — and for some people Tuesday was one of those times — is the sound of a welcome voice.

Since cell-phone technology first came into common use in the past few years, there have been instances where someone trapped, nearing death, was able to call home and say goodbye. But there has been no instance like that on Tuesday, when so many doomed people called the most meaningful number they knew from wherever they happened to be and prayed that someone would pick up on the other end. Some were disappointed, and left messages on answering machines.

Nearly all the conversations that took place as the disaster unfolded would have been unmemorable if it weren't clear that the person on one end of the line was facing death. That phrase, "facing death," is a very old one, so familiar that we have forgotten how literal its meaning can be. Most of us face away from dying. That is part of what being alive means. But on Tuesday morning, an uncounted number of humans knowingly turned their faces toward death — even if they only meant to escape down the stairwell — and as they did so pressed the talk button on their cell phones. What haunts us in the aftermath is the silence at those numbers that have now gone out of service.

words cannot even begin to describe the experiences i've had over the past ten hours. i'm immensely proud to be a student at st. michael's, i'm proud to be an american, and right now, despite all that has happened, i'm feeling nothing but waves of love coming at me.

i'll describe later--i just need to revel in these feelings right about now.

MOTHERFUCKING BRAN'DO IS OPENING FOR HOWIE AT PARADISE.

the gods are STILL FUCKING LAUGHING!!!!!!

i heard back from clint. he normally works about two miles from the pentagon, but he was on his way to baltimore when the plane struck, so he was fine. and everyone he knows is ok--both in d.c. and in nyc.

still glued to the television--and since i'm at work, glued to cnn.com.

besides the fact that i've been watching the news constantly all day (plus figuring out coverage for the defender), i've also been getting in touch with people to make sure they're ok--jesse (who's in boston, but i didn't know if he was taking any flights or anything--thankfully he's fine), kathleen (who i know is ok but i just sent email to anyway), and yes, because i'm pathetic, clint--who i know really should be fine, but i was thinking of him, so i figured what the hell.

still hoping to contact tony, chris, get something out to jen & ben...

just look at this. so powerful, beautiful, invincible.

and now it's gone, and we'll never see it the same way again.

it is impossible to wrap my brain around. the sheer numbers alone--let's say at least 20,000 people work there (very low numbers i'm working with for simplicity's sake). that's ten times the population of my college. ten times the number of people in my hometown in one structure. and then to have everything change within the span of a couple of hours--it's unheard of.

add to that the pentagon, the rumors (some say confirmed, others not) of the stage department, the pennsylvania crash--i was staring at my television in utter disbelief.

it doesn't seem possible that something that's always (in my lifetime, that is) been there, something i look for regularly when i go to new york--something that is so identifiable to me is just up and gone. that there are people i know in new york, and i don't know if they're safe. that our nation's center for SECURITY was partially taken out by a plane--that they (whoever the hell they were) were ABLE to strike us so massively. it takes all of the perceptions of our strength and power and invulnerability and throws it out the window.

older people have always told me how lucky my generation has been because we haven't existed during an assassination like jfk. we haven't been through vietnam. we've lived in a time of relative peace (again, i stress the relative part). and i never got it until after i turned on my television and learned just how fucked up things have become.

and what's scary is that we have no idea of what's coming now. war? further attack? my worst nightmare and the draft? my brother is 18. let's say we go to war and they start the draft up again. i could not deal with the fact that my brother could be sent somewhere to die. WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. he and i are both at our schools, trying to get our educations so we can make names for ourselves and have a happy life. i don't want him shipped off to a fucking war. not to mention my friends...the people i've come to love...

this just makes everything so insignificant. and i don't feel completely safe anymore. hell, a few months ago, i thought nothing of wandering around washington d.c. in the afternoon because i knew i was around other people and i would be safe.

safe??? i don't want to get on an airplane any time soon. i don't plan on walking around anywhere by myself--so much for exploring like i love...my sense of comfort and safety has been ripped away.

am i overreacting? perhaps. i mean, i'm in vermont. not exactly a terrorist hotspot, unless they want to destory the cow population. but did i think i'd be in harm when i wandered d.c.? did i think anything when i walked with shawnalea, roaming new york city? did i think that when i went to the top of the empire state building in march and looked (as i always do) over at the world trade center that that would be the last time i would ever see it?

it's insane. and we're thrust into it--as observers, as family members, as friends, and, in my case, as journalists who have to cover it. i realized that in a year, i'm going to be doing this stuff for a living--and that scares me as well.

i know i'll wake up tomorrow and think it was all just a nightmare. but it's reality, and it scares the shit out of me.

but i know i'll always remember what i was doing on september 11, 2001.

jen kelly one word one space paid me a compliment about my musical taste this afternoon--i thought it was rather neat. :) i also gave riggott some names to check out for potential coffeehouse performers--gave him contact info for mr. mayer (think positively, at least hope for higher ground), also pushed the howie idea (like that's a surprise--but i'm not the only one interested in getting him back here!), and told him about ben kweller and virginia coalition. i've been trying to think of others who would be cool to have around--matt nathanson's interested in coming back, so i hear, which makes me incredibly happy, and who else? if i wasn't doing defender, coffeehouse would have been the sweetest job--i'd just about keel over in happiness...
there have to be more that i can think of who might be interested in playing there...

again, i feel the need to do the world a service, since so many people stumble across this little spot looking for howie day tablature. go to hdaee.net, there is a tablature area there, or the howie day trading board, where there is a musicians' forum. :)
i might put the links at the top of the page, just to be nice.

i am so sick of worrying about/getting confused about my schedule at user support. i don't do mornings. i hate mornings. especially mondays. add to that the fact that all of this is speculative "if we can't get someone else" crap and all i want is to work my 4.5 hours and be done for the week. i don't have time to deal with a lot of shit!

this was prompted by being informed that i was still scheduled for this morning and didn't realize it

WE STILL HAVE THE COFFEEHOUSE!!! which means live music will still be available on campus, which means i am a much happier girl. i'd been worried about it's future, now i feel better.

oh, i got rid of the guestbook, by the way. in case you were wondering.

thanks to my girls tonight. i'm sorry i was bitchy, but i really did have fun hanging out with you tonight.

oh, and kevin earned a gold star for the day by bringing me this. the first three tracks are good (as buckley obviously is), but hallelujah...amazing. it's been one of my favorite songs lately anyway, but this version blows the grace version out of the water. SO good. and soothing to me right now as i listen to it.

i know i get in moods where i'm whiny and convinced no one likes me and all that jazz. and i know it's normal growing pain (minus kirk cameron, but leonardo would be nice) type of shit, and i know just as quickly as i can get in these moods, i can also get out of them and love everyone. it's called being a Young Adult (whatever the hell that one means).

but honestly, it was so hard at the social tonight. i almost left early, and while i'm glad i didn't (because my girls rock and they MADE me have fun), it sucks to be watching everyone else running up and talking to everyone else or just randomly starting to dance with everyone else and everyone else seeming to have a fun time. and feeling like you're the only frown in a sea of smiles.

i don't want to be friends with a lot of the fake people. no matter how much i use them as an example, i don't want to be a part of Them. i dealt with that in high school, and i have been determined to not deal with it in college.

it's not the people that bothers me. it's the feeling of belonging that i miss. no matter how much high school was stupid (because we all had to get along because there were practically 12 of us), when things happened, i was right there in with it. i knew what was going on because i was there doing it. and maybe i was walking around with blinders, but it felt like people wanted me to be there in it, to a degree.

i have some amazing friends, and i'm thankful every day that i made the right decision and came to this school. i can just imagine elmira (oh wait, i'd rather not) or ithaca (competition ruling my life for four years), and i know that i wouldn't be happy like i am here anywhere else.

it just means so much to have someone come up to me and give me a hug and ask how i'm doing and really want to know. and people that i thought would always be there with that hug and that desire to know aren't there for me. and it's not like i want these people constantly coming up to me and wanting to know How I'm Really Doing all the time like some sick afterschool special. i just don't like feeling like i'm standing by someone in a crowded room and they walk away to find someone Better to talk to. and yeah, maybe a lot of it is perception. anyone who knows me well knows that i don't exactly have the highest regard for myself a great deal of the time. but i just don't have many reasons to think otherwise. if i thought i was Miss Thang or something, maybe it would all be different. and that self-awareness and self-esteem would radiate to everyone else and they would realize that they WANT to be talking to me because i rock their worlds or something. but i'm not like that. i can't be like that. i can be great at doing something--that's why i'm doing so much this semester.

i just have the hardest time in the world just being me. and that, my darling readers, truly sucks.

it is so ridiculously hot.

senior social tonight. drunken revelry that i could not partake in because i am not of the legal drinking age. grrr. but dancing was pretty amusing, except for being beaten by flailing limbs and being spanked by shaun d. you know, there are some things a girl just should NOT experience. i had a pretty decent time once i forced myself to not think about who either wasn't there, or once he was there, wasn't around...i don't know, there are just a lot of people in my class that i have no use for (or just downright don't like), and as the years have gone by, the group of them that i do like have dwindled significantly. and i'm not going to waste my time and act like i do like them, so i hang out with those that i do like and just whatever. does that make me a snobby bitch? perchance. does that make me any different from any of the rest of them? not fucking likely! it's a beautiful system...most of the time...;)

i had a fantastic day...my first day at the f went really well. there's something about being in an actual newsroom and hearing nothing but the clicking of keyboard keys and mouse buttons, broken by the occasional ringing and a game being called in. and watching them put together the pages, in glorious COLOR (as opposed to our black and white)...i know that i'm going to run out and buy an issue tomorrow so i can check out the briefs and see what i did. sure, it's dry and boring (they're briefs, they're supposed to be) and my name won't be anywhere in the paper, but just knowing that i did something that so many people are going to see is a cool rush.

alco-fuckin-hol...
ajklfjd;ajfieaiej;aejiaejo.
fun nite.

i'm more stressed than i realized. starting, in some respects, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i am truly, incredibly stressed. all day (once i woke up--missed kirk's class because my body refused to function) i have had my mind racing with what i need to do, when i need to do it, how i need to do it, who i need to talk to...and my body feels slight off-kilter because of it...i don't feel completely normal. too jittery. i tried the good ol' "keep your hand as steady as possible" trick and i failed. dismally. i'm never exceptionally good at it, but today, it's really bad. my fingertips are fluttering about, my wrist is moving, and my mind is straining, trying to get the damn things to stay still for even a second.

hopefully improv will help. but i don't know if i'm even going to have time for it once things really get going.

i just need to breathe and keep myself organized and i'll be fine. and lay off caffeine. ;)

i'm sitting here with greek tragedy beckoning (not like i want it to, but i have to read it for tomorrow), and i'm looking for a reason to procrastinate. so i look to my buddy list to see who i can IM to say hello, and i notice a friend from high school online. i start to type, but then realize i have no idea of what to say. do i say hi, just wanted to drop a line to see how you're doing? and thus open myself up to the akwardness of "well, we haven't really spoken spoken in ages now, we've grown apart" and me feeling stupid. my life has gone beyond that little box of marble in which i spent six years--but at the same point, why the hell not drop an IM? not like i'm ever going to see him, right?
but then again, how well did i even know him in high school? how well did he know me? and what does that connection mean now that we're both on different paths in different areas?
so do i or don't i? and why does this feel like such a big decision when it's random and stupid?

and then he puts up an away message with an angry face, thus making it clear that it's a mute point anyway. c'est la vie...

you go through college waiting to be a senior because all the hard work pays off and, while you have the impending doom of graduation and eviction from campus forever, it's supposed to be somewhat less stressful and a ton of fun, right?

whoever first said that was the case was A) on serious, serious drugs or B) was just saying that to fuck with your mind.

DON'T BECOME A SENIOR!!!!

i'm exhausted. i still have two stories to write about for class tomorrow, and i've read them, but my mind will not function. i have written seventy million people (so it seems) about various defender things, i have to call the blasted printer tomorrow, i have to talk to paul, i have to get my shit together for kirk for friday, i have to submit add/drop slip (whoops, day late, they can deal), i have to email the editing staff (and thus find out if i need to write a story this week), and i have to try keeping my sanity.

but i know i'm not alone. best of luck to the my fellow seniors in the quest to maintain one's sanity...

but now, i can't function. i need my bed. it's calling, and i cannot fight it any longer.

today has been a Truly Random Day.

more email from jesse (yay!), but also email from dear ol' laundry, live and in charge in chi-town. some of the random things in life make me pleasantly surprised.

got the job at the f. start saturday.

i've been doing a ridiculous amount of reading for my creative non-fiction writing. i need to spread this out a bit better next time. the shock of the night was that i actually LIKED a hemingway essay. i normally LOATE his work. but i guess i channeled his spirit (the fact that i mixed a screwdriver didn't hurt either).

but i'm exhausted and NEED TO GO TO SLEEP.

i could have predicted this last night.

i woke up late, ran around like a madwoman, parked right in the mccarthy "no parking" zone, ran to st. ed's, raced up the stairs, and was late for sue's media I class. so now i have to wait until the end of class, walk into class, and talk to these writers who really only want to get the hell out of class.

shit shit shit shit shit!

i will continue to listen to his music. i will see a show if he makes it to my area. i'll even go as far as to say i'll venture to boston or northampton for a show if my schedule clearly allows it.

but i will NOT feel bad for missing him over LEAP weekend. i will NOT worry about working my schedule around so i can see him perform. and i will NOT defend him against allegations of diva-ness when my friends poke fun.

nonetheless, tonight was funny as hell. embarrassing as hell, but funny as well. LMAO.

new words i've discovered thanks to london slang (and in case you can't tell, words i want to use from now on!)
"(Sir) Anthony Blunt - Rhyming Slang for 'cunt'.
arseholed - very drunk
arse-over-tit /-elbow - to fall over in a dramatic fashion
banjaxed - meaning drunk or stoned. eg "I feel really banjaxed".
beef bayonet - a playful name for penis."

more to come, i promise you...
and the quote of the night comes from drew with, "maury povich is the luckiest man on earth!" this was in regards to a discussion of women newscasters and their worthiness to masturbate to (to? is that the right choice of words? i think not, but i'm tired and don't feel like dealing). i KNEW there was a reason i was interested in print journalism...could i possibly stare into a camera now and wonder what's going on on the other end?

the random discussions that are just another part of life here at st. michael's...LMAO.

first rehearsal tonight--a read-through at our house. i'm exceptionally excited about it. i'm not going to lie about it, there's something about something as simple as a read-through that made me all giddy--for the first time, i'm actually supposed to be doing some of the reading. kirk is giving us all responsibilities--extra information to check up on and bring to the production process. he's highly recommending that we all read chaos, which i hope to do over the course of the play (as soon as i get my schedule somewhat settled). and my task as chloe is to bring a great understanding of british pop culture to the mix--as if that's not a dream assignment...

i need to write up story ideas tonight for defender (and hold my third meeting with writing for media students tomorrow--8:15 a.m. yeah, need i say more? didn't think so), and read aganemnon (i know the spelling on that is way off--just fucking greek tragedy). i think i'll fall asleep to notting hill tonight. even if kirk doesn't think we're going to use the accents (which, much as i wish we could, i view as a wise decision), i need to surround myself with everything british...more david gray! more hugh grant! more coldplay!!! travis too!

jesse is again in my good graces...email makes me exceptionally happy.

i'm sitting at work, watching the rain falling (all the more interesting because the sky is shining past mccarthy) when rick pops out of his office.

"guess who i just talked to," says he.

"i have no idea," says i.

"jesse," says he. it was about a job recommendation or something.

i've missed him immensely already--i'm trying to get in touch with him...damn "big brother" had better get in touch with me back...

i finally listened to the mp3s of mike olcott i downloaded awhile ago.

very impressive. check him out.

michelle and i both got parts in "arcadia"!!! i'm chloe, and she is jellaby.

revel! revelrevel!

and i've got people interested in the ad manager job and one of the sports boys might just be photo editor after all.

WHOO HOOO!!!!!

bethanie gets the gold star for the day for this picture i just stumbled across.

i'm doing anything possible to ignore this meditation for kirk. in case you couldn't tell.

there's something about opening up a text book for the first time of the semester that takes the novelty of being back at school away immediately. back to the wonderful world of the ancient greeks...

AURGH!!!!

it is so frightening to realize that it has been ten years since nirvana released nevermind.

i spent five hours in a lab today with paul working on programming quark to work more efficiently for the defender staff. we've got it now to a point in which just about any feature the staff could think of for layout--headlines, bylines, text, information boxes, you name it--are customized and available at a simple keystroke. in addition, things like byline, staff writer, and text are all done at once--type in the byline, hit enter, the staff writer font comes up, ready for typing, hit enter again, goes right into text. it's beautiful. and it's remarkably easy--just a matter of sitting down and figuring it out. paul told me that every member of this defender staff and every member of the staff in years to come owes me a beer. :) it made me feel somewhat better about being exec--i've been ridiculously nervous, worried that a potentially stellar staff could run amuck because i'm not a good, fearless leader. now i can hold my head a little higher.

my brother is officially a college student--having moved everything onto the franklin pierce campus today...he was adorable and called me, leaving a voicemail so i know he's doing well and will be fine. :) it disturbs me that my younger brother is in college--it makes me feel old...

i've received a few compliments on my audition last night, which i think was sweet of people to say. while i doubt i'll see my name posted monday, it makes me happy that people thought i didn't suck.

one of the worst feelings in the world is that of opening your mouth and not being able to stop what comes out of it. and then seeing the surprised look on the face of the other person and realizing that whatever justification you had for thinking those word was pure bullshit.

in other news...i'm noticing that some people are finding this via searches for tablature--lately the trend is howie day tablature. that makes me happy...and while i don't have it here (obviously), in case any of you come back, i can say that you should check out hdaee.net, one of the most comprehensive howie fan sites out there. it's where i look up my tabs, tons for howie's original work and covers, as well as a wonderfully designed site with concert info. and if that doesn't tickle your fancy, check out the howie day trading board--there is a special section for musicans with questions about learning howie's music.

that was my good deed for the day, so now i sleep.

i'm looking forward to seeing "serendipity," the upcoming john cusack/kate beckinsdale movie. i adore cusack, beckinsdale's pretty good, and while the plot idea is farfetched, i like the concept. i also felt a warm spot in my heart because "babylon" is the song associated with all of the trailers (although i almost miss the days when not too many people knew about good ol' dg--i don't want him to be overplayed and thus fade away into nothingness...), and i found out that, among other songs, "love song for no one," by dear old john, is also supposed to be on the soundtrack...

so...

callbacks were this evening. i was running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off, so for whatever reason, i wasn't particularly nervous during auditions. i'm sure i'm not going to get a part--people there were really good, but i tried my best dammit, and i'm proud of me for doing that. so whatever. i know i'm not an actress anyway.

other than that, i was supposed to go to franklin pierce tomorrow to help tom move in, but i can't due to defender. aurgh...

Vickie,

Nothing more for right now.............sorry bout that....but Llama, who is opening in Burlingtion is a great band.......

Shawn

damn you shawn...aurgh. ;)

it should be illegal to make people be awake and functioning at this hour. it is cruel and unusual punishment and the parties involved should be held accountable.

yet another reason why i really do not want to be at this job for another year...the only perks are 1) the people and 2) i got another raise, and with my work/study grant, it significantly cuts down on the number of hours i have to work each week. i think it comes down to five hours a week or something.

ok, howie is opening for O.A.R.--first date listed is the 20th of october. however, i think he should open that up a bit and come up to vermont when O.A.R. plays at higher ground on the 16th. it's only four days' difference...only thing we've got working against us is that they're meeting up in the middle of the country...but otherwise, it just works out too well!!! so, yeah, i was a real smooth girl (smooth criminal, perhaps?) and wrote shawn an email to ask. say yes shawn, say yes!!!!

christine and i were out on the front porch of the aids house before walking back in and determining that meg and michelle must have left--they were nowhere downstairs. so we wander to the 100s, where we find the guys we'd been talking to before, and we ask to use their phone to call the aids house boys to find meg and michelle. they let us in to use said phone, and there is the most beautiful bar. we're talking "cocktails" type of gorgeous. christine is determined to pay homage to the bar with a shot, so we ask for one (i can't let someone drink alone, that's just cruel).
they understand what she's saying, and they're ready to give us a shot glass, but all they have is beer.
a bar like that with no shot-worthy alcohol????
i fail to understand.

in other news, one of my two "goals" (i must always have a goal or two for every academic year--haven't failed yet, can't go out on a bad note as a senior...) is officially off the list. the other, however...the word "adore" does not do justice. but i cannot consider it. it would just be wrong of me...

but such a worthy goal has not come my way in a looong time. aurgh!

christine and i were out on the front porch of the aids house before walking back in and determining that meg and michelle must have left--they were nowhere downstairs. so we wander to the 100s, where we find the guys we'd been talking to before, and we ask to use their phone to call the aids house boys to find meg and michelle. they let us in to use said phone, and there is the most beautiful bar. we're talking "cocktails" type of gorgeous. christine is determined to pay homage to the bar with a shot, so we ask for one (i can't let someone drink alone, that's just cruel).
they understand what she's saying, and they're ready to give us a shot glass, but all they have is beer.
a bar like that with no shot-worthy alcohol????
i fail to understand.

in other news, one of my two "goals" (i must always have a goal or two for every academic year--haven't failed yet, can't go out on a bad note as a senior...) is officially off the list. the other, however...the word "adore" does not do justice. but i cannot consider it. it would just be wrong of me...

but such a worthy goal has not come my way in a looong time. aurgh!

christine and i were out on the front porch of the aids house before walking back in and determining that meg and michelle must have left--they were nowhere downstairs. so we wander to the 100s, where we find the guys we'd been talking to before, and we ask to use their phone to call the aids house boys to find meg and michelle. they let us in to use said phone, and there is the most beautiful bar. we're talking "cocktails" type of gorgeous. christine is determined to pay homage to the bar with a shot, so we ask for one (i can't let someone drink alone, that's just cruel).
they understand what she's saying, and they're ready to give us a shot glass, but all they have is beer.
a bar like that with no shot-worthy alcohol????
i fail to understand.

in other news, one of my two "goals" (i must always have a goal or two for every academic year--haven't failed yet, can't go out on a bad note as a senior...) is officially off the list. the other, however...the word "adore" does not do justice. but i cannot consider it. it would just be wrong of me...

but such a worthy goal has not come my way in a looong time. aurgh!

i found the jeff buckley electronic press kit on audiogalaxy. something small like that made me very happy. it sounds relatively corny, but to be able to hear him talking about his music is pretty interesting.

no wait, there IS more to be said!!!

barenaked ladies
alanis morissette
3 doors down
david gray
jewel
everclear
billy idol
collective soul
uncle kracker
coldplay
nelly furtado
better than ezra
jeffrey gaines
five for fighting

alright. let's see who i love out of these artists. i've been desperate to see bnl for forever already. alanis, everclear, and jewel i've already seen (woodstock), so whatever, but everclear was fun, and i'd love to see them again. three doors down would be neat. seeing billy idol would be a riot, i'm not a huge fan of collective soul, so that's ok. david gray has already been bitched about. uncle kracker doesn't drive me wild, so that's fine. coldplay at an outdoor venue has already been witnessed--i want to see them at paradise or avalon. but still, the chance to see them again anywhere would thrill me (and the damn website can't even spell their name right, gotta love that). i love nelly furtado, and while "extraordinary" is an admittedly catchy, but also incredibly stupid song, better than ezra is also up there on the "wish i could see" list. i haven't listened to enough jeffrey gaines to offer an opinion, but all that PLUS five for fighting? do the people of the greater boston area appreciate this lineup enough? do they not realize what an absolutely awe-inspiring weekend that would be? ninety-nine percent of my favorite artists in one city for one weekend. that thought alone amazes me, let alone the thought of seeing them and hearing all that gorgeous music.

LEAP will be amazing. it will, it will, it will.

IT BETTER BE!!!!

alright. again, as i've said numerous, numerous times, i'm thrilled to be going on LEAP. really, honestly, truly am thrilled.

but this is just TAUNTING me. it's gone beyond "oh, that would have been nice," beyond "dammit!" beyond all that can be said.

boston is just being cruel to me.

thursday night: howie day
friday night: howie day
saturday day: david gray
saturday night: john mayer

the one weekend that i can't do anything would have consisted of howiedayhowiedayhowiedayhowiedayhowieday, john, and david fucking gray.

if LEAP isn't everything it's cracked up to be (which, from what everyone's telling me, it is), i will go mad.

this is too much for me. nothing more can be said.

heeheehee...pictures taken from the howie/john show at paradise...it amuses me to see pictures of howie that have myself and michelle in them...granted, you have to be looking for us and know exactly where to look (right smack in front of the boy), but i find it amusing, for whatever reason. i'm looking down in this one and am smiling like a dumbass in this one.

i know, i'm silly. shut up.

thoughts:

when one rehearses a monologue with a british accent over and over again, having to deliver the same monologue with an american accent is ridiculously difficult. i think i'm just going to speak in a british accent from now on.

it's been a hectic day--work followed by two classes (including the first defender class) followed by the drama picnic (thought: i miss louns) followed by auditions followed by the free press meeting. i went over to visit becca tonight, which was great.

we all spend so much time convinced that we haven't really grown all that much since arriving at college. i've been looking at the past three years and have been amazed that they've raced by in the manner they have. most of the time, i don't feel significantly different. but already, this year has shown me that we have grown up...and this change is good in some ways, and sad in others. i'll be honest, i miss the way things used to be a lot of the time, the faces that were a constant part of my life, and things that i never thought would change. but they have, and they could never be that way again because i've changed. and, while things are rough at times, i've got to keep in my head that i've changed for the better. and i have great things about my life now--the good friends that i have are absolutely amazing and keep me sane, an all too difficult task sometimes. :)

other people need to remember that they're good people too. i just keep on hoping that someday, things will change yet again and the people i miss will be a part of my life again...and if they aren't, there was a reason for it.

it's just hard to keep in mind at times.

now i'm big and important
one angry dwarf
and 200 solemn face
are you
if you want to see me
check your papers and your t.v.
look who's tellin' who what to do
Kiss ass my ass good-bye

so i'm reading dinner with andre, a play/screenplay/conversation between two theatre types. cathy told us to really focus on it when we were reading because you pick up on a lot about life during the course of the play...which, when i first started reading it, i completely didn't get. but it's starting to make sense to me--a lot of sense, actually. i highly suggest everyone reads it.

i'm rather tired and i'm in an odd mood--not sure why. i feel like i'm being a recluse or something, but at the same time, i have limited spare time because things are going to get hellish soon. so i've been doing what i need to do to try relaxing...but in an odd mood nonetheless.

BLEARGH

i fully intended to drop directing this morning.

instead, i think i'm taking it. there are only four of us--myself, baz, amanda, and jess. and to top it all, we got our plays today, and i'm doing i burn this by lanford wilson. i have a special place in my heart for wilson, as he wrote fifth of july, which i reviewed at actf.

it is going to be a crazy semester. but i brought it on myself, and i probably won't get cast in arcadia anyway, so it'll be ok.

it will!

Commissioned by the Circle Repertory Company, Burn This first appeared at the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles in 1987 to near-universal praise. Set in the bohemian art world of downtown New York, this vivid and challenging drama explores the spiritual and emotional isolation of Anna and Pale, two outcasts who meet in the wake of the accidental death by drowning of a mutual friend. Their determined struggle toward emotional honesty and liberation-by no means guar­anteed at the play's ambiguous end-exemplifies the strength, humor, and com­plexity of all of Lanford Wilson's work and confirms his standing as one of America's greatest living playwrights.--jack kroll, newsweek

now playing: glen phillips, fred myers

do i want to drive to northampton for howie on the 29th? for some reason (probably the prospect of driving all that way), i'm not super excited...but it would be about the same as going to boston...bleargh. i need to think about this.

for crying out loud, it's LITTLE LEAGUE. this is getting pathetic.

i don't know why i always do this...i swear i enjoy beating myself up sometimes.

so i'm auditioning for another play. arcadia, by tom stoppard. it's all because of this stupid desire i have to be on stage for a mainstage production, where i will cast off my shell and magcially transform from vickie to another person in completely different time.

but i've been onstage (just not for a mainstage), i've tried my hand at acting, and i cannot do it. i've been ridiculously frustrated with myself because i can't do it because it's something that, in the back of my mind, i've always wanted to do. and i cannot stand not being good at it, so i work harder to be good at it, and i get more frustrated. so after every time, i tell myself i'm not going to do it again.

then a new play rolls around, and i'm all about getting a copy so i can start learning it.

i never became involved with theatre when i was growing up, mainly because i was scared to do it. i had to work at sports just as much as anyone, but they came pretty naturally and i excelled at them (that sounds ridiculously cocky, but it's true). writing has always been a part of me, and i can't not do it. academics have never been really difficult for me (although in my time here, i've definitely met some challenges). acting was something everyone told me i should try, but i was always worried about failing, and i always had a reason to not try--i was playing sports, i was working on the weekends, whatever.

i can't not try now that i've got a place in the theatre department. i've come very close to not auditioning because i've got legitimate reasons not to--if, god forbid, i was cast as anything, this semester is going to kick my ass, with defender, drama club, and if i do take directing class. but if i don't audition, i'll be pissed off at myself and wonder what if...but i know after i do audition, i'll be frustrated with myself because there was something that i couldn't do, something that i wasn't good at.

and the whole thing makes me sound like a whiny, cocky little diva, which i hate.

AURGH. enough thinking about it already. sleep.

i finally downloaded some ben kweller...about damn time.

feeling rather conflicted the past couple days...on one hand, it's a bit depressing to be involved in coversations in which names are mentioned that apparently everyone knows, yet i don't. it feels a bit like i should, and therefore i wonder where the hell i've been for the past three years. was i under a rock? was i cast to stand under a sign labeled "other"? have i been missing out?

but then, on the other hand, do i really want to know them? because, while i'm sure they all have some good qualities about them somewhere, i don't feel terribly inclined to know them...if i've made it through three years without, i'll obviously survive...and the people i do know would make up for a million names without faces.

but still...it's an odd feeling to have...still strange feeling like somewhere along the way, i took a different path...i'm not sure what the hell i'm saying. i don't want superficial relationships with people--but there's nothing nicer than coming across someone in passing and getting a hug hello or being questioned about the summer and the prospects of the year.

i need to go make the rounds tomorrow or something.

it's been good to see that people are back, though. there are definitely faces that i've missed over the past few months.

i cannot believe classes start tomorrow. directing at 10:00--need to figure out if i want to take it or not. aurgh.

listening to: ben kweller, sha sha

interesting...a yahoo search of "pat mcgee" and "tablature" provides a link to here.

i downloaded a mp3 of jeff buckley reciting "ulalume"--edgar allen poe--the other day, and i'm listening to it now with headphones. a fantastic track, particularly with the headphones making it sound like buckley was speaking directly by my ear...

next addition to the "they died way too young" list of artists is aaliyah...holy schnikies.

and not nearly as serious, but when we left joe's tonight, the red sox were in the seventeenth inning against texas. WTF?

why the hell i'm still awake is beyond me. audiogalaxy is an absolute dream--i have found so much random stuff--i'm a kid in a candy shop right now. it even has bran'do.

all of the songs i've been looking for forever are listed.

and that is my plug for the evening. i am now going to attempt to sleep. i'm getting the digital camera from paul tomorrow so i can get shots of people moving back onto campus this weekend. and driving back home tomorrow afternoon so i can see my brother's punk rock band shock rutland at the park. i'm bringing my normal camera for this event (somehow i doubt paul would appreciate my using the digital--way to make a great first impression as exec ed, eh?)

only at almost two a.m. do i feel compelled to put pictures up on the blank wall.

apparently i'm on crack.

c'est la vie--time to pull out the masking tape.

defender email still not written. tomorrow. tomorrow.

now that i've got a fast connection again, i'm downloading music like crazy. right now i've got both audiogalaxy and kazaa running--i finally got to hear all of rockin the suburbs (downloaded it as well, plan on buying it when it comes out, it's outstanding), and am pleasantly surprised to find a shitload of jeff buckley rarities.

i now need to compose an email to the editing staff of defender welcoming them back. i don't know what the fuck to write--hi? trying to find a way to tell them that defender's a lot of work without scaring them away. this is much harder than i thought it would be.

and the blank wall by my bed is killing me. i need to put up my splatter wall o' pictures before i go mad.

the surprise was a batch of frozen mudslides. :)

after going to sleep ungodly early last night (i was crashing plus i didn't feel well), i've had a great first full day here. bethy and i spent the afternoon in burlington--how i have missed this city...wandering church street, enjoying the sunshine and feeling completely carefree, wandering into stores (the favorites were the nunzilla--fucking hilarious, shoots sparks out of her mouth, and a trip into crow books), and my much anticipated return to muddy waters. the woodwork, greenery, and relaxing music made me finally feel like i'm officially back at school. and anyone in the area needs to try the muddy shake--a shot of expresso into vanilla ice cream milkshake is heaven in a glass. few things are worth two months' wait, but i promised myself i wouldn't go there until i was back at school and with beth, and it was worth the wait.

it feels so good to be back.

i survived the inevitable "try to get everything done overnight" last night at home and am now in my new room in my new house.

believe it or not, my room does not look like a bomb hit it, in fact, it's starting to take shape nicely. one wall is still blank--that'll change very very soon.

bethy and michelle are off getting a "surprise" for me--my girls have already surprised me with fuzzy dice for my car. i was psyched...red is going to be pimped out, yo.

last year of college. it begins. :)

HERID60A: howie 9/20 john 9/22 i'm there! are you?

damn you alicia!

HERID60A: i'm going to see howie on monday
magdalena281: at worchester, is it?
HERID60A: yup
magdalena281: aurgh. lucky bitch. ;-)
HERID60A: :-)
magdalena281: tell the boy he needs to play vermont so i can fucking see him already. ;-)
HERID60A: alright will do.

today has been an Exceptionally Random Day.

my mother and i went into town today before i had to go to work in order to get some stuff for school (as i've been doing constantly lately, wtf), and i made...interesting...purchases. the first? bright red, kickass sneakers.

the second is the scary part. my first suit. i figured i ought to have something professional looking for interviews or whatever happens to come along, and i tried on this suit as a lark, and my mother's eyes got huge when i showed her. "you must buy it."

so i did. i actually love it, which is scary as hell. i've been nervous enough about thinking about a job and a career and all of that, but looking in the mirror and seeing myself dressed the part is even nerve-wracking. maybe it's silly and foolish for something arbitrary like clothing to cause a reaction like that, but then again, i've never claimed to not be silly or foolish.

buying the suit made buying the red sneakers, a fun, silly thing, that much more comforting.

i worked my last shift tonight--THANK GOD!!!!! we got out ridiculously early because it was dead tonight--thank you people for not choosing to stop in--and ashley and chris were adorable and got me cards and little gifts and what not. and they kept telling me to "have a howie day, have a howie day". they're sweethearts. they make leaving a little sad. but i'm SO EXCITED TO BE DONE!!!!!

i knew they'd be back first semester!!! november 12...only disappointments are 1) no clint (obviously) and 2) apparently no james ricks--he's on another tour. i was looking forward to at least one of the two being back...but hey, new year, new troupe, i guess. and shakespeare, nonetheless!

the fact that i'm looking this all up shows how bored i am...i'm going to sleep already. aurgh.

this takes nicotine dependancy to a whole new level.

file that under WTF?!?!?

a ridiculously violent thunderstorm hit while i was at work tonight, eventually becoming just a wall of water falling down. i love the rain, always have, always will, and whenever it is raining, i want to be outside in it. so imagine me, looking out forlornly at the falling water, wanting to play.

finally, i decided to screw looking managerial. i told andrea what i was doing, and then cj and i ran around the store like little kids, shrieking and laughing the entire time. everyone else looked at us like we were insane, but it was wonderful. we then calmly walked back into the store, our sneakers squeaking against the tile floor, hair drenched, huge smiles on our faces.

it was wonderful.

and i only have one more shift.

yet another live dave album is being released, according to the big blue house...i think it's great that live albums are released--much as i love a dmb studio album, it's nothing like live stuff--but i have to agree that i find the selection of the particular show to be odd. why not something newer, with some of the "sessions" stuff on there? i don't really get it...

i've been somewhat more frustrated at work the last couple of days. i'm counting down the number of shifts i have left and have admittedly been developing a "hey, if they have a problem with what i'm doing, i've only got X number of shifts left anyway" attitude...

i randomly started thinking about a kid i went to elementary school with during the middle of my shift tonight and about how he tormented me one day on the seesaws. i was in second grade, i think he was in fourth or something. and i started wondering where this kid was and what he was doing with his life and if he is now as much of a dick as he was as a little child. i think this could be an indication that i need to go back to school--now...

three-fourths of my house is together--the fourth fourth is getting antsy to get back and complete the puzzle...

so while i'm at work today, i'll keep in mind that i'm missing out on pina coladas and a slip n slide.

grrrrrrrrr.

i finished "dream brother" around 11 last night. today has been spent trying to get stuff for school. i finally caved and bought myself a discman--mainly because my brother took his from my car this morning and i couldn't imagine a few hours without my cds. i'm pathetic, i know.

not exactly looking forward to tonight's shift, but depending on who's on the closing team, i could be having a lot of fun. someone deserves to have her life made more difficult (or at least her shift)--let's see if she shows up...

after close, i've been cohersed into going to flub's for some dancing. going out dancing i have absolutely no problem with. flub's, on the other hand...maybe it's just me, but i'm not a huge fan of the place. i guess you just have to experience it firsthand to know what i'm talking about.

while i've gotten much better at budgeting my time and getting things done ahead of schedule, there are still days in which i find myself doing absolutely nothing and loving it. today, for instance, i was supposed to get all of my stuff done for getting back to school. or at least a chunk of it.

i spent the entire day curled up in my chair reading. i took a short trip to a thrift store with my brother and he found a 1968 45 that he thought i might like--the doors, hello, i love you a-side, love street b-side. i squealed. anyone who had a doors 45 should NEVER have parted with it. the fact that i got it for fifty-three cents astounded me.

i'm listening to it tomorrow on my brother's turntable--the opportunity to hear the doors' music as it was heard when they first came out is remarkably exciting, for whatever reason.

of words we're twenty blocks too late.
- remy zero

in this installment, our heroine attempts to drive her new (to her) car to the north shore of massachusetts--the first time she's ever attempted the trip. armed with only her trusty travel companion, father, a purse, cds that are never played, and a set of golf clubs in the trunk. what adventures will befall her?

i made it to my grandmother's with little difficulty, the only part that made me nervous was trying to get onto 114 just as a really big truck was getting off of some other road. little car vs. big truck. you do the math. keep in mind that i'm from vermont. we don't have these types of roads (or drivers) in vermont.

the drive was fun--we listened to the red sox game and yelled at players together, chatted and reminisced (i went on a tangent trying to remember bits of my early childhood--dad provided key information that had been lost to me as of late--the name of my kindgergarten teacher. it had been eating me up inside that i couldn't remember. MS. DRISCOLL. fuck yeah.)

yet we arrived around 11 p.m. and sat and talked with my uncle and my grandmother before i collapsed into bed. i'd worked a 10-7 shift and it was exhausting. driving drained the last of my energy. lying in my bed at her house was wonderful--i hadn't made it to beverly in awhile, and i missed it.

i awoke around 10, grams went to get her hair done, dad went to play golf. i watched "mystery, alaska" for the millionth time (love it) until grams arrived home, at which point we embarked on our afternoon of spending time together. we went shopping--she bought me things, i protested, she insisted, i grumbled about how she shouldn't--we talked, and i had a great time. i'd been missing her lately, and the fact that she specificially told my mother that she missed me and wanted me to visit made me feel really good, in my own sentimental sappy way.

we got back and relaxed until dad showed back up, then we all piled into my car and drove to my great aunt's house to briefly visit (i'd wanted grams to get to ride in the car). i hadn't seen aunt caroline for awhile, how much she's aged amazed me. i found myself staring at a small cd player in the corner of the living room--it seemed out of place, new where the rest of the house was the same way i'd remembered it since i was a tiny girl--except not having uncle roy in the back room in his leather recliner. we all watched the red sox press conference at 3 p.m. sharp, providing our own color commentary as they announced jimy's departure and joe's promotion.

then dad and i dropped grams off at the house, loaded up the car, and stopped at a couple of stores before heading home. i had a chance to stop at newbury comics (dear, dear newbury comics, i've MISSED IT), and i was pleased to see that the rumors were true--"australia" is available for sale in a record store. it was neat seeing the name "howie day" on its own white separator card.

i drove home, dealing with 5 p.m traffic for the beginning of the trip, my father and i singing along to oldies (my father rarely sings with any of us in the car with him--he hates his voice--so i was happy to sing along with the beatles and others in my normal loud fashion, hearing him quietly singing in the passenger seat), then listening to the red sox game, my dad laughing as i cheered when nomar hit his home run (note to self: see if they actually won, they were leading 3-1 when we got home).

arriving home, i found my license plates and registration waiting for me--which means i can finally get my car inspected and be done with all of the paperwork one goes through when buying a car.

i arrived home with:
--two pairs of jeans
--pair of black pants
--turtleneck/sweater
--shoes
--buckley poster (thank you newbury!)
--buckley bio--the streak continues
--butterfly chair
otherwise known as a lot of things i didn't plan on getting.

i'm exhausted, need to pack tomorrow, and also need to get the rest of the crap i need for "back to school". which means i need sleep.

higher ground is making me happier. 9/24--pete francis from dispatch and 10/16--o.a.r. :)

and i WILL be in boston on october 5. remy zero and travis at the orpheum.

i am very happy to be going on LEAP.

it's a damn good thing i'm so happy, because the gods are holding their sides in laughing at me right now, as they have brought howie to paradise on the thursday before LEAP and john mayer to paradise that saturday.

if i had any other reason preventing me from going, i would be climbing up the walls right now.

as it is, i'm only grimacing as i see the tour schedules.

PLEASE PLAY BURLINGTON!!

scotty-isms are addictive. they make no sense, they're completely random, yet i eat them up and i can tell that i'll start using them at work, therefore corrupting the minds of the teenagers who work there even more (if you don't believe me, let me tell you that everyone now says "not so much"--thus making me miss joey and bethy and bongo so much!--and that they often answer to their name with "yo." hehehehe. taking over the world, one person at a time.)

i went grocery shopping tonight (which later resulted in a fun incident involving me, rice, and burning--use your imagination), and while walking the aisles with my mother, all of a sudden i hear, "VICKIECICLE!!" i haven't heard that nickname since high school, so needless to say, i was confused. i turn, and a girl i graduated high school with (who was notorious for falling off of the stools my senior year in physics class--numerous times) and now works there is waving wildly at me.

keep in mind that i've been in there numerous, numerous times since high school, and i generally get a "hello," or perhaps a nod. we weren't overly close in high school--so whatever.

i have no idea what brought it about. but it was interesting.

hell, she'll run up and give me a huge hug at our ten-year reunion at this rate.

in other music news, glen's last entry on his tour diary leaves me feeling somewhat sad, but also (wretched as it might be to say this) somewhat relieved. while i knew he was sick (after the burlington show, he didn't even perform for a few dates), i kept feeling as if he wasn't the least bit amused with us. i felt awful about it, and while i don't feel quite as bad now, i still wish he was happier...during the few moments in which he was joking around with us and john, he was an awesome guy, and he's an amazing performer. i don't know...just randomness from me.

as the wise scott himself said...
no problem, just rush hour.

AURGH.

i write joann, my boss at school, to say i want to be back up there the week before classes to work (so i can get out of southern vt). about, say...at least a week goes by, mike needs to know if i can still work or not, so, since i constantly need money, i tell him i can work monday and tuesday, i'll take wednesday to pack and buy things, and i'll get up to school thursday.

now that the schedule's set and i can't get out of it, i get the response from joann saying i can definitely come back the week before school. now that i can't get up there til thursday.

plus email from paul about defender. making me nervous. but in a good way. i hope.

with an official date set for moving back (note to self: talk to girls, fill them in--what do you say gals? want me back a few days early?), i must now figure out what i need to do before i return to school. among these things is the thought of a haircut. i need input on this matter. short or grow?

i am such a sentimental sap.

in other news, i caught an episode of "the lot" this evening. it's a show on amc (american movie classics) that takes a fictionalized look at golden hollywood gossip and tells the stories behind the rumors. fantasic show, i hope to catch more of it before i leave for school (i don't think we get amc at school)...

the date is official...i'll be back at school a week from thursday. counting down the days...

and before i forget, happy birthday wishes to ryan. :)

*insert useless tirade about how if you have a road journal, you should update the damn road journal. also insert chuckling about other road journal.*

i'm exhausted. work today pretty much blew, mainly because of the fact that i was exhausted and my shift involved mornings. highlight was a stop in by the new jersey cardinals. however, after they left, i needed to inform jason of the two essential rules:

1) if bus full of attractive, athletic men my age come into store and i am on break, call me up immediately so i can serve them.
2) if bus full of attractive, athletic men my age are sitting in lobby eating, find a way to get me out into the lobby. i don't care what type of strings must be pulled, make it happen.

they were heading up to burlington to play the expos. this means that there is a chance of them coming back within the next day or so. here's hoping...

tonight consists of heading into town to get some school necessities and of sleep.

random note: last night i had a dream that left me both upset and very at peace (contradiction in terms, i know, but go with it). all i know is that andrew and bethany from high school were in it, i was (according to my dream rationale) in high school, but people from smc were there and we wound up talking about lexi and everyone knew who i was talking about.

yay :)

we were bribed tonight. mike told us that if ben, debbie, chris and i were able to close the store and be punched out by 11:30 (then extended to 11:45 just in case), we would be rewarded.

punched out at 11:27. i think they need to keep this in mind. bribery=motivation=faster closes=less wages paid=happy lloyd.

i found a couple of mixes i made last summer and during the school year. pleasant discoveries. i found it funny to be getting things done while singing along with bnl "mcdonald's girl", and jack johnson's "bubbletoes" was the song of the night.

i have to be in tomorrow at 9. aurgh.

it begins.

email that begins with "hello, my name is (fill in the blank) and i am the (fill in the blank) of the (fill in the blank). we understand that you're the executive editor of the defender for this year..."

a simple email request is making me realize that in a couple of weeks, we're right back into the swing of things with the paper...

so i went to the eddy house this afternoon. i'd wanted to go for awhile, but i never had a chance, and i wasn't aware of all of the stories. i got to hear them as i drove cortni and myself today, and yes, i was incredibly interested.

the house looks nice and cozy, we couldn't get inside, but i was interested in finding out more about the house. the whole issue of haunted houses is something i won't even address, as there are always so many rumors of gimmicks and doubt that i'm in no place to pass judgement. i'll simply say that it was fun--in its own creepy sort of way. we also went to the family cemetery and the larger cemetery up the road, where william and horatio are buried. from everything i've heard, the whole family was pretty creepy. but then again, that added to the mystique.

afterwards, we tried finding honto's cave. following the drive way across the street from the eddy house, we walked towards the woods, breaking off to the left before we reached the house at the end of the drive (we thought it would be, well, rather rude to walk up the owners' driveway and through the lawn), thinking that we'd be able to get around the house to where the rock formation (it isn't actually a cave) is supposed to be located.

we found pricker bushes, ferns, logs, mosquitos, branches, and did i mention pricker bushes? also a murky pond and a horse pasture, but no hanto's cave. i'd like to find it some other time, but i wasn't disappointed. it was fun to wander through the woods, looking for path's and places to step. i brought my camera and snapped pictures the whole time, and i joked that weeks from now, my camera would be found and the two of us would reach fame with our own blair witch. we thought it would be a bit excessive to make the stick figures, however.

now, i sit here, exhuasted, happy after a nice day, and with my legs covered in scratches and scrapes from the damn bushes.

and i bought kid a today.

i woke up late to a phone being tossed onto my bed. it was cortni, and she wanted to know what i've been up to. it looks like we're going to brave the rain and search the eddy house, possibly find tanto's cave. i'm bringing my camera.

about three minutes after hanging up with her, the phone rang again, this time michelle calling to know what i've been up to.

nice way to start off a day. :)

while looking up things at amazon.com this evening, i decided to check out what the little people in the amazon computers recommended for me. for toys/games, it recommended the game of life. i haven't played that game in years, but it used to be my favorite. i want to find someone who has it and play a game. perhaps it would make me feel a little better about preparing for my real life...

no posters of buckley. didn't buy any cds (today, anyway). picked up a phone book from the mailroom--they spelled phil dog's name right this year (last year he was so excited to finally have his name in the book, only to find out they butchered the spelling. this year, i rejoiced for him).

for whatever reason, i'm exhausted today. aurgh.

damn ebay. making me bid on things i really want, but don't necessarily need. aurgh. that's my cue to sleep.

hmm...travis' first us tour stops in montreal and boston this fall--friday nights, to boot, so i could, in theory, attend.

hmm.

when i go up to burlington tomorrow (thinking optimistically), i want to stop by school and hit up church street. i need to check out disc go round and pure pop for either radiohead or travis. not sure which yet. furthermore, if i choose radiohead, do i want ok computer or kid a? also plan on stopping by the poster shops, i want to look for "boulevard of broken dreams" and/or buckley.

just being able to walk along church street will be a treat. and tempting as it might be, i'm saving a trip to muddy waters until i get back for good.

just a few weeks until i'm back. and a week or so after that, tom's off to franklin pierce. he officially has a roommate, i just about keeled over laughing when i found out he was from a town called verona. if i'd had a roommate from verona when i was going to school for the first time, cortni and i would have had a field day. :)

destiny, destiny protect me from the world.
destiny, hold my hand, protect me from the world.
here we are with our running and confusion,
and i don't see no confusion anywhere.

and if the world does turn and if london burns,
i'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.
i want to be in a band when i get to heaven,
anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing any more.

grow my hair, grow my hair, i am jim morrison,
grow my hair, i wanna be, wanna be, wanna be jim morrison.
here we are with our running and confusion,
and i don't see no confusion anywhere.

and if the world does turn and if london burns,
i'll be standing on the beach with my guitar.
i want to be in a band when i get to heaven,
anyone can play guitar and they won't be a nothing any more.

when trish walked into work and immediately asked, "can i go home yet?" i knew it was going to be a looong shift.

i had no idea.

what happened tonight? well, let's see. trish went to the emergency room after chipping her nibula (extra points to anyone who can tell me what the hell the nibula is), so i got ashley to close front, leaving chris c. to close grill, but she'd never closed there before, plus i had the always-ever-so-helpful jean on wash. plus i was working with kyle (the hi-i'm-going-to-torment-vickie register boy) and oh, did i mention it was my first close without any other managerial support and i couldn't get the sign to turn on and i almost turned off half the lights in the store and we were busy at the worst times and holy schnikies was it a weird night.

but all in all, it turned out ok. i actually seemed to know what i was doing (well, except for previously mentioned incidents with sign and lights), and i was only ready to kill crewpeople a few times.

but what a stressfull night.

two days off for me now. it doesn't look like massachusetts is in the cards, but that does mean a trip to burlington most likely is. i'm hoping for tomorrow. :)

anything, as long as i'm not working. :)

woke up at noon. whoops.

i was flipping through the television channels last night when i saw that "philadelphia" had just started. i've wanted to see it forever, but it's not one of those films that i'll actively go out and rent. so i curled up in the recliner and started watching.

it ended at 4 a.m. with tears streaming down my face. what a fantastic movie.

i recommend it.

bleargh. don't want to go to work. but tom's girlfriend is here, so that's fun. she's nice (and i have to give props to someone who was able to whip my brother into submission so much--that in itself is one hell of an accomplishment).

so i have two days off--wednesday and thursday. however, i haven't been able to plan anything yet because i don't know if the fam is going to massachusetts. i suppose i can't complain though, either massachusetts or burlington. neither option is bad at all.

work kicked ass, besides stupid people. i did well. tomorrow however, is not going to be pretty.

but at least i don't have to wake up early like some people. bwahahahaha.

first things first. i found the ruins. fuck yeah.

i almost didn't--i took the side street/lane thing like i thought i'd try, and i followed a worn path a short distance to what seemed to be just the overgrown front lawn of where the house would have been. i turned to walk back, snapping pictures along the way, when i noticed another path that was almost completely overgrown with weeds and wildflowers.

sure enough, the ruins. not at all as i remembered them to be, more quaint than scarlet o'hara, but i got the same feeling i remembered. unfortunately, the stray bottles of minute maid and shattered glass showed that others had found the ruins as well, but i ignored them, instead slowly walking up and down the stairs. they consist of three levels, forming a ninety degree angle at each new level. the stones are green with moss but are not crumbling at all. the trees twist together around and above the stones, forming an intricate pattern of lines that block out the sunshine.

i took a roll of photographs without even realizing it. yes, i'm bizarre. but i'm looking forward to getting them back.

after work tonight (ugh, let's leave that at that), i got home to find the tape of "james dean" waiting for me (my mother scored major points tonight). so since i obviously couldn't wait to watch it tomorrow, i popped it in the vcr.

opinions? james franco was a dean clone at times, but then other times he looked nothing like him. seeing scenes from all three of his movies reconstructed was eerie, as was the accident scene (seeing something in color that, for whatever reason, i always imagine in black and white). the backbone of the movie, the father/son relationship with winton wound up so sickeningly sweet and romanticized that i found it laughable. who knows what actually happened, but this version made me feel like james and winton were about to pull out a couple of baseball gloves and play catch. ugh. overall opinion is that it wasn't what i hoped it would be, but i'm glad i saw it, i suppose. look at me, talking like i know how things really were. ha.

i'm contemplating going out this morning to find the ruins of emily proctor's house to take some pictures. i haven't been there in years, but the structure's been creeping into my mind over the past few days. the first time i found it was with my friend megan (i wonder what she's up to now) when i was probably a sophomore in high school. we veered off the sidewalk onto a small, unkempt path by the train bridge and nimbly climbed over loose stones until we saw a slight clearing in the weeds and branches to our right.

i remember the sensation of entering another world. all that remains of the mansion is a massive stone staircase that bends and meanders its ways to what would have been the front door of the house. behind the masking of the trees, the air was cooler and slightly damper than "outside", and individual rays of light danced over the grass and stone. i stood on the steps and imagined what it must have been like when the house was standing, recreating the building in my mind and feeling like scarlet o'hara or cinderella at the ball.

i went back a few other times, but i haven't been there in years. i tried going back a couple summers ago, but i couldn't find the space in the trees, and i didn't want to risk the potential of poison ivy. but i'm thinking now that if i tried going in the way that we came out--the tiny side road just off the main street--i should be able to get to it. i want to see if it's how i remember (which i'm sure it isn't, at least not entirely, but whatever), and also to get some shots of it. i think they could come out quite well.

i'm waiting to hear back from joann about moving back to school early for training/working (as i've done the past two years). depending on what my parents are doing, i might be making a trip up there tuesday or wednesday (i have to bring sylvia back to the library so mike doesn't shoot me). it's either that or a trip down to massachusetts to visit family. maybe i'd be able to swing a visit with my second family as well--note to self: get in touch with michelle.

could you imagine waking up one morning, going onto your website to check out your guestbook, and finding signatures from chardy (of PMB) and steve lillywhite? assuming of course that they aren't just people being stupid, that's fantastic for ryan, who's been generating a lot of, well, buzz, on buzzing (why do i feel an urge to say "allow myself to introduce...myself..."??) and he's a sweetheart (and he's going to play vermont or else! hehehehe). he just needs to finish the damn cd preview already...:)

it finally hit me earlier in the afternoon that i'm going back to school in a matter of mere weeks. it was all because of the staples commercial. you know the one i'm talking about, the one with "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and the voice says, "they're going BACK!" as the father dances and soars through the aisles, children trudging behind. at that moment, hearing that song, i realized that i'm almost about to start what is potentially my final year of formal education.

where did the time go?

i am a dumbass. LMAO. LEAP is the same weekend as howie in boston, which means no howie for me.

the howie curse continues: everytime i want to see howie perform during the school year, something prevents it. howie at house of blues (for which i had free tickets), howie at paradise, and now howie at paradise again.

LEAP will more than make up for it, though, so it's all good. :)

it just shows me even more that howie needs to play in vermont again, dammit.

that is all.

since he's on the left coast, i'd almost forgotten that john is out touring, so i stopped by scotty's road journal to make sure it was still up and running. scotty is no steve (steve wouldn't have given us any trouble when we asked for the setlist at paradise and scotty doesn't realize that i'm a punk), but his entries in the journal never cease to make me laugh (or at least chuckle).

extra points for the beginning of his july 25 entry:
Walkin' around New Orleans, I feel like I'm about to run into LeStat or something--
good scotty.

now i must prepare for work. bleargh, i don't want to go.

i haven't seen such a promising candidate since...well, bubba. ;)

in other news, at least now i don't have to bother trying to catch up when we get back to school...bwahahaha.

the vh1 special about singer/songwriters is on (i've had this thing recommended to me numerous times by people who said, "YOU MUST SEE THIS!"), about time i watched it!

during a discussion with and about david gray, michael mcdonald was featured as he spoke about david and ATO records. i'm glad i didn't know exactly who he was back in january when i called him up brazenly and tried to work out the way of getting interviews with john mayer (whom he represents) and david. my whole attitude going into that one was "hey, i'm a member of the press, dammit, i'll make these guys get more coverage, so you work with me." it was odd, seeing him on tv, realizing i had that swaggering confidence when i spoke to him, when really i'm not much of anything as far as he could be concerned. little amateur college dj girl...but hey, it got us the mayer interview. :)

i should be in barre right now. i'm not. i'm not a very happy camper about it.

september 20 is a thursday night, and i will be in boston that evening to see howie perform at the paradise. :)

i wonder what i have for friday classes other than defender...hmm.

i want my damn picture. :)

*****updated: another show is scheduled for the night after, the 21st. hasn't been confirmed by shawn yet, but nextticketing.com has it in there. that works out MUCH better. :)*****

the name is officially red.

the coffee exchange is obviously no muddy waters, but i had a great time at the smcssvs meeting this evening, and i thank all of the (hundreds, thousands) of other members for attending. ;)

i'm going to barre tomorrow for my brother's first concert with his punk rock band. while driving to sound barrier this afternoon, i passed by numerous flyers promoting the show, which, i will admit, made me proud. it'll be an interesting experience, seeing my brother up there on stage, and i'm sure i'll laugh at him a little afterwards (just to keep his ego in check), but i'm going to be proud, i can tell.

my mother is now (jokingly) complaining of having a sunburned scalp thanks to my car--which has had it's first name suggestion. i had thought (again, jokingly) about names such as prudence, petunia, or perhaps shaquanda, and michelle has added to the "list"--red.

and it's growing on me.

if you have any suggestions to add, let me know before i make up my mind. :)

my three huge goals for the summer were:
1) guitar
2) cell phone (to prepare for car)
3) car.

when i signed the last paper and shook hands at 10:00 this morning, all three goals were officially met.

very happy me.

alright, so the spamming on my email accounts has reached a ridiculous point. the ultimate, however, was receiving an email from miss cleo. LMAO. "VICKIE, call me now." WHY ME?!?!?!??!

i'm going to also try going through the "proper" channels, but i think one of my brother's friends is helping me score a big interview for once i get back to school. but i'm not going to jinx it by saying any more.

i've been watching the mtv: live and almost legal coverage today, taking a stroll down musical memory lane. good lord. paula abdul's "straight up" brought me back to fourth grade when karen ammersol came to my elementary school to teach all of the individual classes specific dances. my class, mrs. rusin's, earned the dubious distinction of having to dance to "tequila" dressed up as nerds and doing the peewee herman dance, while mrs. kent's fourth grade class got to dance to "straight up". i remember seething with jealousy, wishing i could wear the day-glo, bicycle shorts, and push-up socks they all got to wear instead of a wool vest and a bandaid on my glasses.