i don't know why i always do this...i swear i enjoy beating myself up sometimes.

so i'm auditioning for another play. arcadia, by tom stoppard. it's all because of this stupid desire i have to be on stage for a mainstage production, where i will cast off my shell and magcially transform from vickie to another person in completely different time.

but i've been onstage (just not for a mainstage), i've tried my hand at acting, and i cannot do it. i've been ridiculously frustrated with myself because i can't do it because it's something that, in the back of my mind, i've always wanted to do. and i cannot stand not being good at it, so i work harder to be good at it, and i get more frustrated. so after every time, i tell myself i'm not going to do it again.

then a new play rolls around, and i'm all about getting a copy so i can start learning it.

i never became involved with theatre when i was growing up, mainly because i was scared to do it. i had to work at sports just as much as anyone, but they came pretty naturally and i excelled at them (that sounds ridiculously cocky, but it's true). writing has always been a part of me, and i can't not do it. academics have never been really difficult for me (although in my time here, i've definitely met some challenges). acting was something everyone told me i should try, but i was always worried about failing, and i always had a reason to not try--i was playing sports, i was working on the weekends, whatever.

i can't not try now that i've got a place in the theatre department. i've come very close to not auditioning because i've got legitimate reasons not to--if, god forbid, i was cast as anything, this semester is going to kick my ass, with defender, drama club, and if i do take directing class. but if i don't audition, i'll be pissed off at myself and wonder what if...but i know after i do audition, i'll be frustrated with myself because there was something that i couldn't do, something that i wasn't good at.

and the whole thing makes me sound like a whiny, cocky little diva, which i hate.

AURGH. enough thinking about it already. sleep.