i know i get in moods where i'm whiny and convinced no one likes me and all that jazz. and i know it's normal growing pain (minus kirk cameron, but leonardo would be nice) type of shit, and i know just as quickly as i can get in these moods, i can also get out of them and love everyone. it's called being a Young Adult (whatever the hell that one means).

but honestly, it was so hard at the social tonight. i almost left early, and while i'm glad i didn't (because my girls rock and they MADE me have fun), it sucks to be watching everyone else running up and talking to everyone else or just randomly starting to dance with everyone else and everyone else seeming to have a fun time. and feeling like you're the only frown in a sea of smiles.

i don't want to be friends with a lot of the fake people. no matter how much i use them as an example, i don't want to be a part of Them. i dealt with that in high school, and i have been determined to not deal with it in college.

it's not the people that bothers me. it's the feeling of belonging that i miss. no matter how much high school was stupid (because we all had to get along because there were practically 12 of us), when things happened, i was right there in with it. i knew what was going on because i was there doing it. and maybe i was walking around with blinders, but it felt like people wanted me to be there in it, to a degree.

i have some amazing friends, and i'm thankful every day that i made the right decision and came to this school. i can just imagine elmira (oh wait, i'd rather not) or ithaca (competition ruling my life for four years), and i know that i wouldn't be happy like i am here anywhere else.

it just means so much to have someone come up to me and give me a hug and ask how i'm doing and really want to know. and people that i thought would always be there with that hug and that desire to know aren't there for me. and it's not like i want these people constantly coming up to me and wanting to know How I'm Really Doing all the time like some sick afterschool special. i just don't like feeling like i'm standing by someone in a crowded room and they walk away to find someone Better to talk to. and yeah, maybe a lot of it is perception. anyone who knows me well knows that i don't exactly have the highest regard for myself a great deal of the time. but i just don't have many reasons to think otherwise. if i thought i was Miss Thang or something, maybe it would all be different. and that self-awareness and self-esteem would radiate to everyone else and they would realize that they WANT to be talking to me because i rock their worlds or something. but i'm not like that. i can't be like that. i can be great at doing something--that's why i'm doing so much this semester.

i just have the hardest time in the world just being me. and that, my darling readers, truly sucks.