venting is about to commence. if you're going to say, "but vic, you wanted to do all this stuff," don't fucking read it.

everyone else is allowed to vent. everyone else is allowed to do whatever because they can and because i'm supposed to take the high road. and be better than all that. and pick up the pieces and deal with it all.

ben folds played in boston tonight. when i first found out ben folds was playing boston, i was so excited about going. his new albulm rocks my fucking world. it makes me laugh, it makes me think, and "still fighting it" makes me cry almost every time. so i HAD to be at this show.

but obligations interfered. opportunities that i really couldn't pass up. things that would look good on my resume. duties to follow through on, because if i don't, who will? so i didn't buy my tickets, and i didn't go. i went to my job like a good little girl and listened to someone talk off my ear about a stupid baseball team that i don't give a flying fuck about. so you want a story about your precious little team in the newspaper. i'm a fucking CLERK. i can't do anything. talk to ted. talk to mike. talk to anyone but me. just STOP FUCKING TALKING.

and i knew that if i went to the show tonight, i wouldn't be in any shape to get home in time for defender tomorrow. and i need to be there for tomorrow all day because i have to show everyone what to do. even when i don't know what the fuck i'm doing 75% of the time. so again, no show.

know what i did this weekend instead? i spent last night watching a movie hoping someone would decide to grace me with his presence. and when he didn't, i felt sad and curled up in bed watching another movie. keeping in mind that i had to be good because i had to work today.

and what did i do today? i worked all day, came home, went to visit people, had to leave early because i had to be in bed early because i have to work all fucking day on the newspaper tomorrow. and feeling like a lot of the stuff i'll have to do myself, or worse, i'll have to be all nice to people for doing things they should have already done anyway. like they're being so great. and it's not that i don't think they're great people, and not that they're not doing a good job, but honestly. it's so fucking hard.

i feel like i need to get out for a bit and just do something and forget that i've got these obligations and these fucking duties and whatever the hell else i could try to say to describe them. but i don't know what i could do or where i could go and i just tried to and i felt stupid for even trying and i don't want to burden anyone else with a hysterical vickie right now. and i just feel bad about it. and i feel like i need to just go out somewhere and scream or kick things or hurt things or whatever, but i can't. because it's not anyone else's problem. it's mine. because it feels like i took on too much and told myself that i'm stronger than i am. and that i just need to grin and bear it for a little bit and then it'll get better. and i know it will. it's just so hard right now and i feel like there's just so much in me that needs to get out somehow, but i don't know how. and that it's making me do less instead of using it properly and fueling myself to do more. and it's so annoying.

i'm just so annoyed. with all the bullshit. i just need to take deep cleansing breaths and remind myself that it's all a part of the process. it's growing up. it's just how things are. and i need to accept it and work with it rather than try to rebel against it. i can use my energy productively. "for good instead of evil." hehehehe...i wonder if this is how anakin felt before he joined the dark side?

at least i can make myself laugh. i'm turning to the evil side. sleep with one eye open. ;)

ah...venting can be such a good thing. now i'll collapse into sleep with the help of a john cusack movie. "being john malkovich."

venting is now offer, please proceed with normal existance.