bittersweet smiles, the haunting of a dead movie star and finally settling in.

it's actf week in rhode island, which i learned when joe IMed me from the festival a few minutes ago. ah ... what memories those four letters bring back. i attended four festivals over the course of two years - two regionals and the two nationals that prompted the telling statement, "beth, i'm here at the kennedy center, i'm having a total actf moment, i love dc and i'm going to live here!"

my approach to the festivals varied, depending on what level they were. the nationals were all about work - i was determined to show that i belonged with the other seven critics from around the country and i was in constant awe of what i was witnessing, as well as what i was surrounded by. nationals my junior year was the festival that felt most like Work, as we all pretty much went together to the shows, then returned to our respective rooms to write our reviews and go to sleep, preparing for the next day. senior year's festival was equally focused, but was the most creatively stimulating and fun experience i have had (i'd say the o'neill surpassed it as far as the creative stimulation, but while i had a wonderful time, the consistent fun factor didn't come close). lounging in spencer's room with the rest of the group, drinking and writing, bouncing turns of phrase off each other while listening to mp3s of spencer's band back in chico. leaning forward in my overstuffed purple recliner to counter a point made by the challenge offered across the table, grinning while our leader watched us try to outdo each other in a good-natured competition of wit, winks and smiles. opening my hotel room door in the morning to find flowers at my feet, jenny remarking, "i think we must have had a visitor or two from your crazy critic friends" and learning later that a couple of them had decided to leave me a gift after returning from their late-night antics. introducing clint to most of the critics after "romeo & juliet" and recalling the lengthy ensuing conversations to those who'd missed out on it ... and of course, 2 a.m. damn-writers-block chinese with rhiannon as we sat on the warm concrete outside our hotel in the wonderful spring night ... sure, i goofed off, but i was stimulated and driven - and, instead of the previous year's "do i belong here???" self-doubt, knew i belonged, had something to give the group and was an active participant in everything going on. it was great, in a fun, productive sort of way.

senior year nationals was such a special time ... while i lived in dc for nearly a year and spent so much time wandering and exploring the city, i specifically avoided walking over to gw territory until the spring because i wanted to see the area - the streets by the hotel, the view of the monument from the street where we crossed it so many times, even the dopey purple foggybottom store - the way i remembered it the previous april (on a side note: as i walked around the area, it amazed me that once upon a time i wandered the streets bogged down with luggage, limping with a nearly broken toe and couldn't find the hotel to save my life.) it was dopey, but it's been well-established that dopeyness is a key personality trait of mine. it made me smile at the time and continues to now as i think back on it.

i was productive at regionals, but it was so much more about the fun. meeting everyone, lounging around in hotel rooms drinking, chatting, laughing and playing whatever games we wanted to play. treading water in the pool while catching gummy bears tossed from a second floor balcony, chatting with tim (mr. bagel) about howie day. throwing aside self-doubt to flirt with someone you never thought would be interested in you in "real life." laughing with bobby while speaking in outrageous british accents, later seeing him across a room and both of us shouting, "i love you!!!" with the best cockney we could muster in our inhebriated states. bathtubs full of beer on ice, discussions about jim morrison and rotisserie machine infomercials and last nights without sleep - yes, stairwells, too.

they were some of the best times of college and i found myself gaining confidence in areas i never thought i'd succeed. the love affair with criticism was born and i was touched to be asked to be a scene partner in an acting competition. the only time i'll ever play isben, i reckon ...

good god, i'm rambling. it's just that when i think of actf, i can't help but smile - funny how something i stumbled into randomly would come to shape my life in ways i never expected ...

i've been haunted lately by an actf memory ... it seems that reference to the clone have been popping up with increasing frequency. it's funny to think about how the mention of a name can instantly bring me back to a couple of years ago - a bundle of confusion, giddiness and hope, even though i always knew the inevitable outcome, it was so exciting at the time.

hey, it's part of my twisted history ... i asked joe to send a hello for me. i hope everyone has as good a time at this year's festival as at mine ...

and now for the present news. i finally feel as if i'm starting to settle into life in burlington post-grad. met and caught up with caleb last night for a couple of drinks, then was introduced to the wonder that is the dobra tea house this evening, courtesy of the ever-delightful john boy. dobra rocks, might i add ... a low-key, funky space where, as shown tonight, it's easy to chat away a couple of hours in what seems like the blink of an eye.

as things have been so up in the air with everything lately and i've been trying to not procrastinate with my writing (and failing miserably, might i add), it's been easy to keep myself nestled in the apartment, chatting on the phone and promising to touch base with people the next day, then the day after that, yadda yadda. next thing i knew, i'd been in burlington for over a month and had only a handful of times i'd done anything not work-related.

tonight was grand fun. thanks john. :) i finally felt like i was on my way to reclaiming burlington and doing well here ... professionally, but also having a good time doing it (i should note: i've had some great times already in burlington, but most of it involved visits from people. friends are always more than welcome to visit - hell, they're encouraged - but what i'm trying to say without much success is that this is the first time i'm awhile i've had fun around here without a visitor from elsewhere.) it's time for some burlington fun, dammit!

now, blatantly stealing from john, i'll add my own quick answers to the following inquiries (oh, like i can resist anything remotely like this? you know me better than that ...):

Ever...

... say things before you think them through? all the time. which is why i have developed my tendancy to be shy and quiet when i first meet people.

... over think and over rationalize things? that's all i do most of the time ...

... not feel as strongly about something as you think (or even Know) you ought to, but still don?t? doesn't everyone?

... help someone who doesn?t want it, but needs it none the less? yes, although it can be tricky at times.

... take one for the team, not because someone had to, but cause you wanted to? yep, not as often as i probably should, though.

... have someone notice? indeed. and how lovely that is ...

... lie by relflex? yep.

... tried so hard to do something right only to have it all go to ruin? frequently.

... had things come together when, by all rights, it shouldn?t have? luck smiles down on me far too often than i probably deserve.

... wish you could tell someone something, but couldn?t? absolutely.

... been to be a knight in shining armor? ????

... had your presence cause ore trouble the good? yes.

... observed the world instead of simply seeing it? that's what i try to do on a daily basis.

... wish you knew then what you know now? yes. how different things would probably be now ...

... put the care, wants a desires of your friends above your own? yes.

... not have the right words for a situation? for a wannabe writer, i struggle with this far too often.

... wish you could remember more of your dreams? definitely. they never cease to amuse me.

... cared too much about the wrong things? all the time.

... said or done something so spectacular that you surprise yourself? yep.

... been in love? i don't think so.

... had your heart broken? yes.

... wish you could take something back? sure.

... seen a wonderful greatness in someone, and wish they saw it too? absolutely.

... buried yourself in excuses and promises? yes.

... risk it all for a smile? on numerous occasions. and sometimes it was worth it.

... wish you could read people minds? yes, although i'd be worried about what i'd learn.

... had people have more confidence in you then you do in yourself? most of the time, this is the case.

... had people not appreciate you? yes. and, might i add, isn't it frustrating to hear those people say after the fact that they didn't appreciate you at the time? i wonder, do they think it's good to hear this? because most of the time it feels as if it's just pouring salt into my wound and an opportunity for them to feel better about themselves.

... had people look to you for strength when you knees are wobbling? yes.

... stopped to help someone for no reason but they needed it? yes.

... picked someone up when they were down? i'd like to think so. you tell me.

... wish there was 8 days in a week? that's the story of my life.

... want to just start fresh? frequently.

... relish the moment? i need to do that more often. but i'm getting better at it.

... been thankful for the good with the bad? yes. live and learn.

quick notes to end on: i'll be drifting to sleep with the newly download mraz cover of buckley's "morning theft." this, recorded live in 2000, i believe, is sure to be a grand rendition ... mraz covering buckley??? i don't know how much better a cover could get ...

and i am so pleased to see "a kiss at the end of the rainbow" from "a mighty wind" nominated for the best song oscar ... how much am i looking forward to the performance at the ceremony? (related note: my annual oscar predictions will make an appearance in the coming days ... it's a tradition, i usually do horribly, but it's tradition nonetheless.)

i've decided that crystal method's "born too slow" would be a fabulous song to wake up to in the morning. talk about getting the day off on an energetic start ...