Hypothetical

Suppose I said I unintentionally half-lied.

Suppose I thought I saw something good and was intrigued. I went to lengths to confirm my initial suspicions and, subsequently, ignored an ever-increasing body of evidence that would contradict said suspicions. It was just a series of midadventures, I rationalized - missed connections, bad timing, busy lives. It wasn't actually that I'd been wrong.

That just as I was ready to be tell myself that I had, in fact, been incorrect, I was given another glimpse and suddenly realized that I'd been right after all. There's no way I could have been wrong - the evidence was finally turning in my favor. It was important to me to be able to affirm my perceptions and to, perhaps, rebuild the bridges that had somehow fallen into disrepair.

That it mattered to me.

But suppose the glimpse was fleeting. Replaced, in fact, by even more conclusive evidence contrary to my initial thoughts. And I ignored it once again. I rationalized that it must be me. Or that there was so much going on beneath the surface that just couldn't be made apparent. Any number of theories were presented.

Suppose I said I realized some time back that it wasn't me. That there wasn't the depth I thought there was. That what I'd seen and ignored for so long did not need to be analyzed or interpreted - it was what it was.

Suppose I said I was wrong. And what angered me most about it was not that the other was flawed or otherwise failed to live up to expectations. What angered me most was that I had to admit that I had somehow screwed up, duped myself or had otherwise been incorrect.

And suppose I decided to try writing about it, but wound up unable to figure out what to say.

And suppose that I realized that my assurance that I did not hate and wished only the best, wasn't as accurrate an assessment as I thought at the time.