to whom it may concern -

simple resolution to unnecessary stress. include me in what's going on. if you don't want me to do this the way i do it best, tell me. if you don't think i'm right for the position all the time, quit making me feel as if i have to work my ass off constantly to come up with something to show you i am right for it. you're not telling me anything right now about where my position will be - if it'll be here at all. you're making me nervous, you're keeping me on edge and all i want is to be able to settle into a seat somewhere, knowing what i'll be doing and what you feel i do best. i know what i think i do best and i've made that quite clear. right now i'm just nervous all the time because i worry that i won't get the spot i want - and i worry that i won't get a spot at all. without a sense of comfort, i can't do as well as i could. i'm trying. i'm doing what i've been trained to do and you all come up with these little observations or suggestions that actually go against what i've been taught. but that's for me to do deal with because i'm just a writer. adapt for your audience. i know this. all i want is to have an audience for which i can write. i don't care anymore what forum that writing is. i just want to keep doing it. do you know that i dreamt last night that i didn't get a spot at all? it was the worst nightmare i've had in ages. i woke up in bed and had to think for a good solid two minutes about whether or not it had really happened.

i know you're not going to be enthusiastic and beaming all the time. you never really have because that's who you are. and i like that at times. no false pretense and melodramatic bullshit.

but you can tell me when i do well, you know. no word is good word as far as praise goes - that's pretty basic. but i'm new at this - in this forum, anyway. and i'm getting stressed and frustrated on a daily basis because i want to create from a blank screen the best work ever. and it takes a lot for me to realize i can't do that on a daily basis - sometimes you just have to grind the work out and let it go.

but you're making me feel as if everything i'm presenting is ground work. and i let the event/story speak for itself, thank you. it's called objectivity. i'm the youngest person in here working on a daily basis and i'm working my arse off to show that i belong with the older gang.

you can at least let me know when i'm on the right track. if not, just tell me i'm way off course and i'll figure out what to do then.

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sorry. pent-up frustration i didn't even know was there until i needed to temporarily snap. now, just a few minutes later, i don't even know what i wrote - i just let the fingers do the work and allowed the random incoherent jibberish flow from my head onto the page (well, screen). this is called "venting," boys and girls.

while i'm incredibly happy to have this opportunity, this "well, we'll let you know what we decide" mentality is starting to wear thin on my already sensitive spirit. i was supposed to know by last week by the latest. it's now wednesday of next week - still no word.

and i'm juggling a bunch of different things all at once. i'm not set in any one area - i know i'm technically a long-term temp, but come on! it's as if i'm struggling to prove myself in one area, but i have these obligations in the other and i'm trying to prove myself there as well.

don't get me wrong - i know i'm damn lucky to be able to complain about such a predicament, but i've been working so hard to keep the smile on my face and drive going when i just want to be able to take a couple days and do nothing. go on a trip - visit some friends. sleep all day or curl up with a movie.

but i'm working here monday - thursday. friday i'm in fair haven during the day, generally i cover an event that night and try to write as much as i can for saturday, which i spend finishing the writing. sunday i have off, but i'm generally trying to do things for the apartment and i'm so aware that it's my Day Off that i want to do something productive with it.

AURGH.

before work this morning, i signed up for membership at a gym. sorry, beth - i have registered your opinion (heehee), but it's much-needed today - i'll be able to get out some aggression when i go there after work. i wonder if there's a punching bag ... that would be nice today.

bah. leave love - i'm in need.