this concludes our broadcast day.

i had a whole long post that was just deleted when the mraz desktop notification thing took me to the mraz news site. wankers.

anyway. i should begin with today's recipient of the "revelrevel gold star award" -- chris! after a ridiculous day at work and before i begin to work on my column, which i don't really feel the energy to do because my brain is fried, i came home, hopped onto the computer and checked some email. since i never receive email at the address listed here, i haven't checked it in eons. but i had an email waiting for me from last saturday. chris, who had seen my comment about not finding the "shy that way" mp3, dropped me a line to provide the link to the mp3. which i'm listening to right now and which i love. therefore, chris brought some sunshine into an otherwise overcast day filled with snow.

you rule. thank you so much. drop me another line sometime, please!

in other news. i'm contemplating giving up the regular posting for a little while. a blogger sabbatical, if you will. i'll still be writing, obviously, and may post future rambles a little later, but i'm not sure the continuation of my daily posting is the best of ideas right now.

why, you ask? well, it's complicated, yet remarkably simple. i have no idea of who reads, i have no idea of who tries to catch up on my exploits and misadventures anymore. i love the random notes from people who have stumbled across this - it makes me so happy to get the little notes from people saying they connected with something i said or thought.

but lately i've been feeling as if i've been abducted to this planet of workaholics and i've had no contact with the rest of the human race. i'm trying to send my message back to earth and very well could be remembered by people back home, but i have no way of knowing.

confused yet? i'll try to explain a little better. let's think for a moment of person a. p.a. could be someone i know/respect/adore - a friend whose opinion, insight and perspective has been and continues to be important to me. let's say p.a. used to read frequently. but i also heard from p.a. on a more personal level from time to time. now, p.a. could very well be attempting to keep in touch with my life by reading. but i have no idea. p.a. reads the blog, maybe once a week, once every couple of weeks. he/she sees what i've written about, assumes he/she knows what's going down in my life and promises him/herself that he/she will drop me a line or give me a call sometime very soon. but schedules get hectic, days turn into weeks and i still have no idea that p.a. is even out there anymore.

meanwhile, as i said, p.a. thinks he/she knows what's going on with me. well, i'll be honest: of course i don't write about everything going on in my head. not here, anyway. there are things about me that i'm more than willing to share with a friend, even someone i am just getting to know, but i'm not going to share these things with anyone who happens to find this while searching for something about "big fucking boots" or the latest information about jonathan brandis' hanging.

i've spent so much time lately focusing on keeping a smile on, rocking the positivity, showing everyone around me that i'm capable of becoming a part of what i've always wanted to be a part of. with nothing certain, nothing concrete on which i could place my trust and hopes, i've been left focusing on what i need to do and trying to convince myself of my ability and strengths as much as i've tried convincing everyone else.

frankly, i'm tired. it's hard to do on your own. i feel as if everything i do lately is work-related. i talk about work when i'm not working, i think about work when i'm not talking about work, i'm even dreaming about work when i'm not even consciously thinking about work. i want some time to not be the girl working her arse off for a position. i want to be able to enjoy a day off and not think about what i should be doing. i want to curl up with a book, a cd, a movie and just lose myself in the moment. i want to bask in the warmth of a friend's smile or curl up in a hug and not have to feel as if everything has to be wonderful. i want to be able to honestly answer a heart-felt inquiry about my life - but in order to do so, i need to be able to have time to think about how things are and how i'm doing.

but most of all, i need to just feel connected. and i'm not really sure that this is helping that right now. because you may read (and you very well may not read) what's happening and think it's all good because you know. but i don't know what's happening on the other end. and i don't feel like it's fair to share bits of myself without reservation when what i want right now is to get the same in return.

i'm still thinking about the options. i haven't made a decision. and i'm sure it doesn't really matter to you one way or the other. but i'd like to think that, for some of you, it does matter. and if it's selfish of me to ask your thoughts, so be it. and if i stop posting regularly and i wind up feeling even less connected, that's a sign of something too.

but i guess i just want to see how things can improve. so, for the time being, i leave it in your hands. if you want to know what's going on in my life, ask me. write. call. leave a comment here if you must. if you don't - well, thanks for reading. check back from time to time to see if i've changed my mind.

for now, though, take care.

cheers,
victoria