restoration of faith

... in myself, that is. last night found yours truly ready to beat my head against a wall, door - any flat object, really. i wasn't about to discriminate. all i knew was that the writing - my column, to be precise - wasn't happening. and i wasn't feeling it at all.

so what's a girl to do? in my case, write lede after lede, lame graf after lame graf. get angry, delete it all and start fresh. a vicious cycle that continued until 12:30 or so, at which point i determined that my little baby of a column was determined to remain in me for the night. rather than continue fighting a losing battle, i cursed the little fucker and went to bed, waking up around 5:30 to see what i could come up with.

still nothing. but i needed something to send to tim, so i came up with some gibberish and emailed it in, accompanied by a fearful apology for not having the whole thing done. after properly waking up, i hopped in the car and started heading up burlington and my spot in the newsroom, from where i type these words.

just before charlotte, an idea sparked, and i fought to keep the idea fresh in my mind as i got to work as quickly as possible (well, ok. i stopped for coffee. but it was necessary.) and sat down at my desk, assembling my laptop so i could listen to some music on my headphones (saturdays are my column days - i'm not supposed to think about anything else, so i consider the headphone music enjoyment a wise course of action - that is, as long as i don't sing along. that might not be such a grand idea.). a quick stretch of the arms, a musical selection made (averi) and i spent the next fifty minutes or so pounding out a review that, looking at it now, i am actually incredibly pleased with. i don't know what was holding it back, but it's out there now and looks good, believe it or not. almost as if i hadn't spent countless hours cursing it and whatnot.

so now i sit here, enjoying "grace" as i compile my notes for the interview i'm conducting this afternoon. i figure i'll do the interview, hop in the car and head back to southern vermont, where i'll finish the story tonight. or, depending, tomorrow afternoon. good times ...

i'm just relieved that i didn't totally freeze up with the column, as i really want to do my best work right now - prove my worth, if you will. i'm sure that the slight anxiety about showing everyone what i can do contributed to the writer's block ... just need to sit back, take a deep breath and do what i know i can do.

i know. easier said than done sometimes.

in other quick news - i went from chapter 6 to 70 in "the da vinci code" yesterday - a big reason why i didn't start writing my column until last night ... BRILLIANT. i'm totally hooked.

i want to finish it but at the same point don't want the reading experience to end.

i hate that about great books. no i don't. that's what i LOVE about great books.

but still.