whew!

i am taking a quick sanity break to force myself to take a breather - i don't know what it is about today, but i feel like i'm a mouse (or a hamster - those are cuter) on one of those fun wheels - i'm running running running but not getting anywhere! but at least it's making the day go by quickly, so in that respect, it's a blessing ...

tour this morning, followed by the launch of a project - i'm working on revamping the senator's tour page with updated information - hell, forget updated, i'm focusing on actually providing information, rather than the links to the various tour destinations' websites. it'll be a big help, i think - it'll make it a lot easier for constituents to have one site where all of the information is right there - plus it might save me the "hi, ok, i wanted to know what you offer for tour possibilities" calls where i have to run through the whole spiel.

so now i'm being good and settling in for the long haul of research and revising this afternoon - i want to have this whole thing done by the end of the week. add to that a trip over to the capitol to give myself a minibreak, stretch the legs and see if any flags are back yet and the various and sundry other things that pop up and my day is pretty much set. it's rather bizarre - for the past few days i have felt as if something is about to happen, something big, in my life and i'm just waiting for it to happen - rather like i'm hanging out by a cliff waiting for a breeze to push me over the edge and i'll be able to see if the ledge i'm thinking is there actually, well, is. it's an odd feeling, more than a little scary, but also exhilerating. i've been in the process of checking out job postings and whatnot to figure out what i want to do in the near and not-so-near future, and i think that's what's primarily contributing to it, to be honest. i don't know if i have any intentions of leaving the office soon - i suppose what comes from these job searches will play a major factor, obviously. i'm applying for things within the office as well as outside of it, but it's bizarre - i thought a year (or a chunk of a year) would help show me where i want (or don't want) to be, but i'm still in the same, "um...i dunno..." state i was in a year ago. everything is so open, in a lot of respects, while closed at the same time, and i'm sitting here trying to figure out what i want to do with it all. what if i try something new and i find out that i'm in an environment less positive than the one i'm in now? what if i stick with my job/situation here and i don't feel the exhileration i've been craving? what if i apply for 45 jobs and all 45 say, "hi, you suck, get out of here"? where do i want to be and what do i want to do? and, most importantly, why is it that i have absolutely no idea whatsoever?!?!?!?!

it's spring - it's been branded into my being that with spring comes change of some sort. so now that spring is wrapped around me, it's squeezing me to figure things out when the truth is that i really don't NEED to figure anything out. but i feel like i want to - which in some respects is just as important, if not more so. but is my overachieving (or, at least, overexpecting) personality demanding more than life is supposed to give? i think that's where most of my frustration generally stems from - i expect things to be Huge, Multicolored, Moulin-Rouge-like affairs and am upset when they're more realistic. how can it be that i am never satisfied by reality? and should i train myself to not be? i mean, really, the people i admire the most are those who refused to accept reality, instead shaping what they're given and demanding more more more until they get the reality they dream of - but how does that happen?

haha, deep thoughts by victoria.

did i mention that i'm journaling again? yes, the creative juices are flowing, as if you can't tell - at least that's an improvement for me, right?

ok, back to the role of tour (slave) girl.