oh wow, what a fun day.

i left the office around 3 today, as i would have had one of, if not a combination of, the following occur if i didn't:
- loss of sanity
- a lot of yelling
- the voluntary end of my time within the office.

honesty is desired. ok then, here's honesty (well, ok, admittedly, this isn't honest, this is sarcastic as hell). i have discovered that the following list of activities are all signs of my obvious desire to not gain the weight i need to gain but have as of yet, due to my messed up body, been unable to gain:

- increasing amount of food intake and food choice
- drinking coffee
- changing hairstyles
- not changing hairstyles
- buying new clothing
- not buying new clothing
- attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- not attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- taking medicine
- not taking medicine
- trying to talk to people
- not trying to talk to people
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with "i'm great, thanks"
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with anything other than, "i'm great, thanks"
- alcohol consumption
- lack of alcohol consumption
- caring about how i am perceived by others
- not caring about how i am perceived by others
- being honest
- not being honest by being honest
- inquiring about a recipe for coffee cake
- accepting the offer of candy
- not accepting the offer of candy
- setting up a meal plan
- not setting up a meal plan
- being in a good mood at work
- being in a bad mood at work
- showing patience
- showing inpatience

as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there is, essentially, nothing i can do that does not make it blatantly clear to observers that i am, in fact, clearly not interested in gaining necessary weight. while i have made it a mission to do so, quite literally, the fact remains that i am simply not doing enough.

there has been concern at work for awhile now because i lost too much weight since arriving in washington. and i thoroughly agree that i have lost too much and have been, as a result, working my arse off (that figure of speech was just for you, bethy!) to gain it back. unfortunately, however, my body hasn't been listening to me (it's just as stubborn as my blonde lil' brain is - figures), despite my best efforts (much to the delight of local area food establishments - particularly chipotle). in fact, little pow wows featuring myself and two of my supervisors have become a semi-regular occurrance.

i decided to be proactive and tell them about the steps that i've been making lately, however, so i sat down with each of them earlier this week to let them know that i'm doing well and am psyched that i think my body is finally starting to get with the program, so to speak. that way, i am being open and honest while letting them know that the coming weeks are going to be a bit of an emotional and physical rollercoaster for yours truly (for example, going from my body feeling incapable of taking in any more food without exploding one day to feeling ready to gnaw off an arm by the end of the workday the next).

however, that was, according to the supervisors, clearly indicative of my desire to hide from them the fact that things are, in fact, not going well and i am not making progress. rather than being passively evasive, i was being actively evasive. obviously.

as well, the fruit, slice of coffee cake, chocolate chip bagel and bite of pastry consumed by yours truly at the office brunch/goodbye party this morning clearly demonstrates that my lack of willingness to gain. clearly. and asking who brought in the coffee cake so i could get the recipe and try making it at home sometime? good lord, that was obviously a cry out in refusal to even consider gaining weight.

the chipotle i intend to enjoy this evening with my blockbuster selection (of "catch me if you can")? further proof.

inquiries to coworkers about meeting up for lunch, dinner or coffee sometime to catch up and see how things have been? isn't the pattern clear by now?

i'm just determined to not gain weight - that should be clear to everyone. apparently, it is.

funny how i'm the only one who doesn't seem to accept that. i must be more messed up in the head than everyone thought.

anyway, our heroine was a bit, shall we say, frustrated by the time this afternoon's pow wow was underway. suffering from the fun, previously unknown side effects of medication, riding the breaking crests of a major sugar rush brought about by consumption of copious brunch food items and an upset stomach due to overindulging in said items while in need of mid-afternoon caffeine infusion, i was not in the best state of minds to hear that i'm not making any efforts. in fact, i was tempted to tell said concerned naysayers to take their concern, understanding (and admitted lack of understanding) and oh yes, my job and shove it all because it was all serving to demonstrate just how impossible it is to show anyone that effort is being made every day and every hour. rather than do the rash thing and run off cursing, i very honestly, very forcibly explained that said awareness of my lack of effort was, in fact, the farthest thing from reality as can be and was also, incidentally, making the process increasingly difficult and taxing, again, both physically and emotionally. that the concern expressed to said supervisors by others is serving to further isolate me, as i know people are expressing concern yet choosing not to express it to me (understandably so, in some respects, i will acknowledge, as i might hesitate as well were situations reversed) and instead not talking to me at all. that when told by others that they are there for me if i need them and i attempt to open that door of communication, i find it emotionally distressing to have that door shut in my face, leaving me less likely to initiate communication in the future. that all elements, when combined, leave yours truly feeling as if at the bottom of a ravine, trying to claw up to the top and finding bits of success, only to have buckets of rocks and dirt dumped upon me by those standing at the top who say they want to help. that there is very little in my current situation and environment that is serving as a form of positivity and encouragement. that i do care about what other people think of me because i've been spending so much damn time thinking about what i think of me and how i feel that i want an outlet from that thought from time to time. and because i, like everyone else on the planet, crave some positive reinforcement, particularly during such a frustrating experience which is riddled with feelings of self-doubt, from others. which i am, for the most part, not finding, instead being told that i'm not trying.

anyway, following this and further showing the good-yet-utterly-paradoxical nature of my office, i was given hugs, votes of encouragement and offers to be able to head home to vermont for a period of time if i need it - fully paid - as well as the rest of the afternoon off.

??????????

i need a vacation.