so just when i'm convinced that things are a certain way, life - as always - throws a curveball my way.

i've been emotionally drained for the past week, week and a half - really frustrated and feeling a little on the empty side at the same time. it's been an odd, paradoxical state to be in - while i feel like there are so many emotions, fears, hopes and what have you bottled up inside me so much that i feel as if it's going to burst out at any second, i have had no means or no desire to get them out of my system. it's like i want to explode but completely lack the energy or enthusiasm to do so.

the whole zen/lucas-from-"empire records"-like existance has persisted throughout the week, leaving me feeling as if i'm in some introspective rut the size of a grand canyon. i've been walking around, examining things and looking for Deeper Meaning so much that i've been completely incapable of focusing on the little things about life that make it good. in addition, it's made some of the smaller things that come with day-to-day interaction with people seem like huge things - signs about the general status of my life and whatnot (if that makes any sense). in a lot of respects, it's just been that i've been incapable of just letting things roll off my back. granted, i've never been particularly good at that (damn my angela chase-like introspection!), but it's like i somehow stepped it up to the next level. so i've been left feeling especially sensitive and vulnerable and questioning so much about Everything. you name it, i've been questioning it - both good and bad.

on thursday night, a bit of the tension bottled up inside broke through, through a couple of phone conversations and, while i felt a little better, i woke up friday morning feeling blue and resigned to feeling frustration and tension. not exactly the best mentality to have starting off a day, but i rationalized that it was better than trying to force optimism when it just wasn't going to be there.

i kept my game face on, however - i wasn't going to let everyone at work see that i wasn't in the greatest of moods - it wouldn't be professional of me. so i just tried to keep myself optimistic and whatnot until the workday ended and the curveball was thrown my way.

the first office happy hour in a couple of weeks - originally the plan was to head down to tortilla coast (on the house side by the cap. south metro), which i was psyched about because i'd never been there (i'm always down with checking out a new place). while ted, chris, janice and i were heading down, janice said that she had heard from the rest of the gang (the office technically closed at 4:30, but i had to cover phones til 5 and the others were finishing up work, so we were meeting the rest down there) that they had moved down two doors to bullfeathers so everyone could sit outside and enjoy the gorgeous warm weather. so we headed there and met up with everyone and enjoyed the really good drink specials ($2 rail drinks during happy hour? this brings me great joy - even if the service was atrocious - what waiter tells patrons that if they want to know what the drink specials are, they should go inside and check out the board? not to mention that you should never list schmirnoff ice as a happy hour special if you're out of schmirnoff ice.) and being out of work for the week. i had fully intended to stick around for a couple of rounds and then probably head home and take it easy, as i had planned on Going Out tonight when we head into adams morgan, but the conversations were amusing and we were all having fun, so i stuck around and was talking with beth, chris' girlfriend, who met up with us there.

one thing led to another and chris, beth and ted were going to head to cap lounge to get dinner, as beth's old roommate from college was a waitress there and beth said to me, "you're coming, right?" feeling really good about that, how could i say no? so the four of us settled up at bullfeathers, told everyone where we were going and that they should come along and then headed over to cap lounge, where we decided to split a pizza and whatnot. the food was good, the drinks were great and everyone else showed up, so we were all crowded around a big round table, laughing, drinking and whatnot - and it just felt good. i felt good about being there, i felt included, i just felt like things weren't as dreary as they had seemed before.

i guess i just needed an evening like last night. i stuck around until a little after nine and then headed home to crash and relax, exchanging numbers with beth with tentative plans to meet up in adams morgan with her and chris when i head in tonight.

i don't know - i guess when it all boils down to it, if i had to describe what i've been feeling as of late, it's just that i've been feeling as if everything is in a whole whirlwind around me and i've been trying to settle down one thing - anything! it's left me feeling very isolated and i've wanted to feel someone reach out and make me feel as if i'm ok, i'm fun, i'm someone that they want to be around so i feel as if dealing with everything i'm dealing with has some sort of purpose (if that makes sense). and having such an enjoyable evening last night made me feel as if i'm not totally lost out there and things can be good and fun.

i don't know - i haven't been making a whole lot of sense lately, not even in my own head - which contributes to why i haven't been all about posting lately. how is one supposed to be capable of describing things in a lucid manner to others when one is incapable of making sense to one's own self? but it all boils down to the fact that i'm aware yet again of how i can overdramatize things and i am determined to just enjoy things more and not necessarily look for the Deeper Meaning - i've just got to enjoy being 22, being where i am and having the opportunity to do whatever it is that i want to do. another goal to add to my ever-lengthening list of goals ... but hey, we know that i'm a girl who likes to have goals. ;-)