i think i figured out something - i have no idea of whether or not this is going to make sense, but it does to me. at least, it's the closest i've come to figuring out what's been going through my head as of late. so here goes.

i have no wants. pretty simple. now, most people would consider this to be a good thing - no wants means no needs, right? which means that really, there is nothing lacking from a person's existance that would improve that existance. yay for everyone - revelrevel.

but that's not the "i have no wants" that i mean. i mean that i flat out don't want anything. not that i have everything i need, not that i have acquired everything that i want to acquire or anything like that. i mean that there has been nothing lately that stirs up any sense of anticipation, eagerness, excitement or even aversion. i just don't want.

some examples might clarify. as of late (which fits into the past couple of weeks as far as duration of time), i have been trying to make sure i do everything that i need to do - go to work, increase my nutritional intake (making sure i take in more carbs, protein, etc.), get some (but not too much) exercise, get enough sleep at night, etc. those are the basic necessary-for-daily-existance things. then there are the perk things - watch television or movies, listen to music, read and write, observe those around me, shop, etc. things that are supposed to spice things up and serve as icing on the cake that is doing all of the necessary-for-existance things. it all ties together into that which constitutes a life.

but there hasn't been anything that i've done that i've really wanted to do. nor has there been anything that i haven't wanted to do. they're just all sort of things that i'm supposed to do, so i do them. or don't, depending on the situation. today i rode into work and listened to someone talking about getting the paperwork finished for their new apartment and how excited she was - and i was envious of her because she was so psyched! even the fact that the lease finalization was more difficult than anticipated was something exciting. whereas i have been, for all intensive purposes, been waking up, going to work, coming home and exercising, "relaxing" and going to sleep, with all of the necessary breaks for eating and commuting and whatnot.

when i try to figure out what i want to eat for dinner, i don't have any preference - i don't want one of my dinners, i don't want to make anything from scratch, i don't want chipotle or the chinese that i get. since my grocery schedule was messed up this week, i've been rocking the takeout train this week, but i don't sit there and think that anything sounds particularly good - i just go with what i haven't had as of late. i don't particularly want to read the book that i'm reading, but i'm reading it. i don't particularly want to write in my journal, but i know it's important for me to do so right now because i need to figure out what i'm feeling. i don't particularly want to exercise, but i know i should do something so my body doesn't feel tired. i don't particularly want to go to work, but i know i have to and i don't particularly have anything i would want to do if i didn't. when i went shopping for a new shirt this past weekend, i didn't particularly want any of the items, but i knew the shirt i got was something i generally like, would serve me well and was on sale. i went to dccd in adams morgan to look at music and couldn't find anything that i wanted to pick up. save the dawson's viewing last night, i haven't had anything on television that i've particularly wanted to see. the movies that i rented this past weekend were good, but when i was perusing the selections at blockbuster, there was nothing that stood out as something i particularly wanted to see. i haven't particularly wanted to go to sleep at night, but it's what i should do and i haven't particularly wanted to do anything anyway.

and those are only the superficial examples.

i'm someone who has always - as a strength and as a result, a constant form of teasing from friends - wanted things, desired things, jumped into things and run with them. one of the things i've always liked about myself, even if it's gotten me into trouble at times, is the passion with which i approach the things i become involved with. there's very little that i view as something that should only be half dealt with.

which is why this lack of want is so surprising and disturbing to me. i'm hoping that my meeting this afternoon will help me figure out why this is the case and how i can kind of counter it. i am hoping that this weekend will also help - i think it should be a lot of fun.