symptoms of a headcold

status check - ladala
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

my head is floating waaaay above my shoulders. i just wrote a story that didn't want to be written for a bit, and i'm cursing the fact that i could have written a better "s-m 2" review than the one that ran today ...

... i want drugs. i don't like feeling spacey.

glad you felt like it

status check - surprised
background ambiance - television

imagine my utter shock to find a new simplesimon waiting in one of my endless email inboxes. new simplesimon poetry was always a highlight of my day - i was exceptionally disappointed when he stopped sending them out, but kept all of my old copies to look back on.

appropriately titled "i don't know, i feel like it," the latest is lovely and painful - also demonstrates precisely why i enjoy his work so much.

have you ever been entranced by a distance and a phantom
by a lovely that has eyes that you know will only damn
your hopes and implications
of the things inside that have only ever grown

indeed.

night owl ways

status check - wide awake
background ambiance - silence

advantage to working nights: no problems arranging at the last minute to meet up with a friend for a midnight movie screening. caught the second spidey movie at the majestic in williston (GORGEOUS theater, by the way). fun company (thanks, johnoghue!) and a great movie to boot.

(side note: since doing away with the pompous "why don't we just refer to it as '2'" notion, i've been looking forward to the sequel. i thoroughly enjoyed the first movie and have adored tobey maguire for eons already. although i still maintain he was at his best in "pleasantville" and "wonderboys.")

and any hal sparks fan needs to see it. trust me.
--------------
realized i should also mention (since i nearly forgot) an interesting experience had by yours truly this past weekend. driving from franklin to quincy, i was chatting with michelle and looking out over the surprisingly flat stretch of highway in front of me. all of a sudden, an explosion of green and gold lit up the sky directly ahead. followed by reds, blues and purples. a fireworks display dead ahead - jarring, surprising and lovely.

one of the few times i will ever earnestly start singing "the remedy." how could you not? michelle laughed and joined in, as i turned onto our exit ramp just as we hit the chorus.

and since i'm on the subject, check out the new journal entries. made me feel better realizing i wasn't the only one to think of the significance of a 27th birthday.

well i saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes i cannot make them go away and you were born on the fourth of july freedom ring ...

welcome back

status check - groovylicious
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

i'm back from vaca, back into the grind. but with the smile of someone who was able to (albeit briefly) get away from it all.

i've actually tried posting my misadventures twice, but the blogging powers that be apparently decided that my descriptions and metaphors were not worthy of my typical rants and rambles. so this third attempt will suffer. i've already written out everything that was in my heart (the first time) and my mind (the second). what's left for me to write on take three?

boston was grand, per usual. i've realized i make the trip down just about every two weeks - a pattern recently pointed out by several colleagues. in fine fashion, i'll be back in boston the weekend from next - enjoying the unbelievable lineup that is rufus/guster/ben.

per my new leaf, i will not spend any portion of the trip thinking about those unworthy of my time. shortly before my travels, i took a risk. got burned. lesson learned.

now, away from the ocean, back by the lake, i'm feeling good. for every painful risk, i've been reminded of why taking chances is so important. had i not, i wouldn't be able to smile at the words of my friends and the stories i receive from here and there. anyway, the people i know are far better than the person i wanted to know.

i have so much to smile about. my growing knowledge of my favorite city. the odd sensation of drinking (and chewing) the bubble tea that soothed my mouth from (delicious) hot red curry. laughter and sangria. the clone of a clone. strawberries everywhere. harry potter 3, my favorite yet. laugh-inducing stories from thousands of miles away. singing at the top of my lungs to hard rock while driving home, alone on the roads at the midnight hour and late-night reruns of "my so-called life" and "the west wing" (and the digital system to record them).

confirmation

status check - disheartened
background ambiance - television

indeed. california next time.

on my next vacation ...

status check - on the home stretch
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

... i'm just packing my bags and heading to california. going on a official, planned-out ahead of time, requires plane tickets, luggage and maps trip. to SoCal.

but in regards to this vacation, i'm keeping it relatively close to home. any attempts at plans have already been changed, as tom's still making reference to a day trip to nyc and whatnot. so i know i'll be in massachusetts tomorrow night, if not tomorrow afternoon. i know i'll be in vermont by sunday afternoon. other than that, i have no bloody clue.

i might be in new york on friday. i'm expecting to be around town on saturday to celebrate a birthday. i'm expecting to feel at least a little disappointment because i was ignored. i'm expecting to get over that and have a great time, regardless AND in spite.

the lack of concrete plans is a little frustrating, but also fun. i know i'll be busy and i know i'll see and do a lot. precisely what will comprise the next days is unclear, but i'll enjoy it.

the important thing right now is that i'm almost finished with responsibility for a bit and i can taste the freedom. i just need to be away for a few and relax ... it'll be so good for me.

anyhoo. it's some singer's birthday. look it up. :)

anyone else?

status check - frustrated
background ambiance - still s.o., s.o.

ok, cross "spend the day with my mother" off the list. anyone else? who else is going to give me another day to do whatever the hell i want?

today just needs to be over - i just need to be able to go home, curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep.

apologies for the melodrama.

two days, baby.

status check - defiant
background ambiance - bushwalla radio edit in my head

after the worst start to my w.day in ages, i'm now feeling better - at least a bit, anyway. but i suppose i should be thankful, as it helped me figure out what i'm going to focus on over the next few days - as well as what i want to do during my vacation.

i've been struggling with my vaca plans, mainly because i feel i have too much i want to do and not enough time to do it all. while i'd normally feel inclined to just relax and do whatever, it doesn't really feel like a Vacation if i do that. and this is my first real work vaca, so i should add at least some travel into the mix, even if it's simply my semi-regular trek to bostonia.

what i've come up with is a tentative plan to be able to include most of my list of wants into the five days i'll be free from work. a few things had to be scrapped, whether due to time constraints (day trip to nyc) or due to stupid people (my proactive attempt at meeting up for coffee/drink have yielded no response - nipping disappointment in the bud, my ass). but most of it should be able to go on as i'd like.

i'm thinking SoVt thursday, then head down to massachusetts thursday night or friday. spend some time in bostonia, head back to vermont early sunday so i can relax with hometown people sunday and monday.

it might seem hectic, but i think it'll work. because, frankly, i want to do a lot (i'm not really one for the stretch out and relax thing. i've always been more of a Do-er).

i want to spend a day with my mother. i want to spend time with my flatmates. i want to vent to my brother, then forget all the bullshit while we cavort around boston. i want to pick strawberries and i want to enjoy vegetarian curry. i want to enjoy the chew-chew. i want to play frisbee by the waterfront and i want to play frisbee on the boston common.

and while i hope it works out with everyone else, at the same point, i have to focus on the fact that this is my vacation. and if schedules don't fit, i can spend time with myself. i'll have my camera, a notebook and a pen - worst case scenario, i'll still have a grand time.

that said, i hope people want to spend time with me too!

i'm feeling optimistic about it. and, canuck it all, i've earned it. particularly after the last few days.

p.s. while i am most certainly not a fan of the olsen twins, i feel a need to wish mary-kate the best of luck.

what the canuck?

status check - pissed off
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

i could vent here, but it would do no good, beyond occupying too much of the time that i could devote to other (more worthwhile) things. so instead, i'll just say this:

stupidfuckingassholedipshit
whathecanuckisyourproblem
iamworkingmyassoffanditisabouttime
forvacationalreadybecause
allyoupeoplearedoingrightnowis
pissingmeoffassholefuckyou
fuckofffuckedyfuckfuckfuck
andbythewayicannotstandpeople
whoarehypocritesandhavebadhair
andiamtiredofworkingmyassoffand
gettingdumpedonandwhydoionlyknow
fourorfivesanepeoplewhileiknow
amillionandahalfassholes.

ah. much better.

xoxoxoxo - v

sippin' on gin 'n' juice

status check - exhausted
background ambiance - "best week ever" (loving the cable)

just caught dominick m. from "lotr" saying some of the lines to "ice ice baby." somewhat fitting, considering the recurring themes this weekend. one of which seems to be "classic" music from the childhoods of my flatmates (yes, i can say flatmates now - yay!) and i. i've played dj this weekend, spinning (well, clicking) memorable selections from naughty by nature, dre & snoop, digital underground, marky mark, ice, and of course salt 'n' pepa. got in my workout through dancing. yeah yeah.

but i turn on the tv tonight and see dear merry bustin' out ice lines. we've been rocking out all day today to a live track from the pete fellow as he covered "baby got back." (note: i'd been looking for his version of "gin & juice" to play for chuck. i find "30 down" with teases of "gin & juice" AND "baby got back." i was in heaven.)

so basically, everything old IS new again. and just as rollicking as ever. although it's scary to realize just how much of "whoomp! there it is" you can remember 10 years after you last heard it ...

and yes, elizabeth turned old this weekend. i can say that, as i'm still a young, vibrant 23. not archaic at 24 like OTHERS ...

good god, i should sleep.

sin

status check - almost in weekend mode
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

i want to see sin. or, rather, "SIN: a cardinal deposed" the play being put on in arlington (mass.) through next sunday. based on the depositions in the boston abuse lawsuits.

can we take a hint?

status check - displeased
background ambiance - s.o., s.o.

as someone who's always been scared of being attacked at the neck (yes, a weird thing, but one of my quirks), reading about another beheading in the middle east makes my skin crawl.

a war against the shadowy figure of "terrorism," corrupt (or at least untrustworthy) leaders and beheadings. that alone screams "get the hell out" to me.

goooooooooooood mooooooooorning vietnaaaaaaaaaaam ...

friday morning

status check - optimistic
background ambiance - radio (91x - thank you internet!)

and as she danced around her apartment, a smile on her face as she sang along to "rock the casbah" on the radio, she knew it would be a good day.

speaking of good music, check out rivers cuomo's profile on myspace. there are links to music, including his cover of "tomorrow" (yes, "annie").

kisses for damien

status check - pleased
background ambiance - who cares? t minus 4 minutes!

yet another reason why i love the fabulous damien rice.

wanderlust

status check - restless
background ambiance - same old same old

i haven't been feeling particularly well today. i've also been feeling ridiculously stir-crazy. as if i should be off going somewhere but am instead confined to the 8-hour workday.

early this afternoon, i realized why. i spent the previous three june 17's traveling, exploring and otherwise experiencing new things.

i was in vegas last year. vegas in 2002 (during the trip to utah). tom graduated high school in 2001 and i hopped onto a bus to make the trip to foxboro and my first full dave matthews band concert.

i've become trained to wander this time of year, but this year have no opportunity to wander. i hate feeling this sense of confinement.

per a request

status check - slightly tired
background ambiance - typical

it's been requested that i post more, so as to alleviate the presence of 15 comments on particular posts. it was requested laughingly and i laughingly oblige.

we have cable! the world may rejoice! friends shall be amused to know that the first things i watched were "the daily show" (for me), "dawson's creek" (in honor of michelle) and part of "the lizzie maguire movie" (in honor of elizabeth). more channels than we'll ever know what to do with are OURS! bwahaha.

i'm tired. i feel like it's friday, but i have today and another workday to get through before the weekend. the next days will drag, i know, because it's finally hit me that i'm going to be on vacation a week from today. five days in a row of whatever i want to do ... no real responsibility. ah ... just get me there!

i'll write something of substance next time - as for now, the brain doesn't want to function much, so i should reserve intelligence for writing stories.

in e-touch with the modern world

status check - ducky
background ambiance - still typical

as a heads up, i would like to announce that my former IM screenname is now officially fubar. to remedy this situation, i am reverting to a screenname i set up ages ago but never actually wound up using (because i was determined not to get the million comments about changing my screenname so frequently during the first few years of college. in retrospect, i admit it, the frequency of new names was ridiculous).

because aol has decided my beloved, named-after-a-david-gray-song screenname now does not exist after nearly four years of faithful IMing, i must say goodbye to the magdalena name. so now i'm using alternacoustic.

use it. IM love, please. merci.

(side note: you can tell it was ages ago when i set it up by looking at the buddy list. included we find all three brothers (think way back), a dead movie start clone AND the two musicians highest in my collegiate esteem. um, it's time to update. send me your screen names please, as i lost my proper list)

speaking of technology, we're getting cable and high-speed internet tomorrow. i may cry with glee and/or kiss the cable installer.

traitorous thoughts

status check - conflicted
background ambiance - typical

i feel like a traitor for even thinking about it, but the potential makes it tempting ...

in other news. i love the powerful confidence that comes with kitten heels and a new outfit. it might be superficial of me, but it makes a difference, dammit.

also filed under "love": the blissful expression on the face of a bicyclist i passed on the way downtown this afternoon, the waves on the lake, being comfortably warm yet perfectly cooled by the breeze, iced coffee, ridiculously tasty wrap sandwiches and singing along to the music blaring in my car at a stoplight (only to realize someone i know is trying to wave to me from the car next to me, which results in my turning five shades of red).

a beaucoup problem, calvin

status check - reflective
background ambiance - television (i cannot wait for cable on thursday!)

first things first - the quick description of tonight's show at avalon ('boston's premiere nightclub' and, in my opinion, ridiculously inferior to paradise. but i digress):

michael tolcher, averi, gavin degraw. let's be realistic here - while i thought i was initially drawn to the show because i thought it would be good to see averi playing with two bands i'd seen about six months ago. but the truth is that i knew it was the first time averi would be playing avalon. and despite the fact that i'm not crazy about avalon (understatement), i wanted to be there the first time the band performed at the next largest venue in town. experience and share in the moment, if you will.

i know, i know.

michael performed first and, i should note, has improved so much since the uvm gig. his stage performance is getting so much stronger - and, more importantly, his voice and music is starting to show. i was shocked to find myself dancing along to "mission: responsible" (i know, i was floored. although the classic rock tease near the end was a contributing factor as well). and his lead guitarist? just rocks with a lenny kravitz attitude that i love.

then averi. simply seeing michael on stage again would have made the trip worthwhile. they performed a pretty strong set - initially a bit slow, but they picked up the tempo and rocked out. i can't recall, however, any show in recent memory that hasn't included "flutter" - i did miss that. but having michael there for "numb" and "this liminal life"? wonderful.

gavin? eh. we left during the fourth song. it's the same as last time - why not just bring a bunch of people into a room and play "chariot" at full blast? same effect. wasn't feeling it. i just feel he's not trying to grow - he's the teenie flavor of the month and he seems content with that. harsh? perhaps. but it's how i see it. i didn't even want to wait to see if he woke up again after "let's get it on," if he did pull that cover out again, anyway.

so two good sets and a portion of an uninspiring set. whatever, i got what i wanted out of the night, so i was content. said hi to some of the guys in the band, was able to chat with michael a bit about how he's feeling. i continue to adore stu and said hi to chad.

the thing i've enjoyed most out of this extended weekend away has been the conversations i've been able to share with people. my brother and i were in stitches while walking from allston (grasshopper) to harvard square. i don't know how, but we managed to tie together idaho, parking garages, and the allston public library into a conversation that brought tears of laughter to my eyes. i've tried explaining it to someone already and couldn't do it justice. you had to be there.

(side note: turns out i've traumatized my brother - as he is able to quote 'ladybugs,' 'sidekicks,' 'boy meets world' AND 'summertime switch' - extensively. mainly because i made him watch them over and over while i was in junior high. he remembers details about them that i must have forgotten years ago. it's alternately frightening and hilarious to realize.)

michelle and i wound up discussing the introspection that always follows an averi show. it was nice to get a new perspective on things. but still exasperating as hell.

i guess what it really boils down to (god, i hate that cliche, yet there i go using it) is that i spend so much time thinking about brief moments in the past, when really i should be looking about the present. or perhaps i can think about how things could be in the future and just let them stay there. but i always have to wonder why the hell i can't just be my dumbass self and talk. why i look and feel foolish for awkwardly saying hi and then standing to the side. i never used to do that - what's brought it about? but the thing that is most frustrating is that i know it's not just me. and i can try to change things from my end, but i can't do anything on the other side. i just know i want to be able to be goofy again. i'm not just the quiet girl, you know.

cryptic? perhaps. but that last graf was primarily for my own benefit, and since i understand it, it's all good.

anyway, sleep beckons, i haven't made too much sense here and i have the return trip to burlingtonia in the morn. away from the hazy blue-gray skylines, back to the rolling green mountains.

sleep well, meine damen und herren.

i can do the frug. - rilo kiley

if i have to be at work at nearly midnight ...

status check - TIRED
background ambiance - jazz concert at red square!

... at least i can rock out to the sound of the jazz concert RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!

a little kid fantasy i never fully realized i had was fulfilled early this evening, as i rode in the front cab of a firetruck, sirens blaring, lights flashing and all.

one of the firefighters laughed with me later, as he described the huge grin that was on my face the whole time.

teehee.

ok, i'm going home. and going to bed, dammit. sleep well, kiddies. i know i (finally) will!

ithinkicanithinkican

status check - tired
background ambiance - typical sounds

i just have to keep reminding myself of the fact that i like being busy. but good god - i walk in this afternoon and am instantly innundated with "what's the progress?" "status check on this?" "what are you working on today?" "any word on that?"

hello there. how are you? i'm well, thank you for inquiring.

but such is life. i've been working hard lately, i'm tired, i haven't been sleeping well and it's starting to show. i've felt sluggish, a little out of sorts, not to mention dead to the world in the mornings, therefore making me a lousy (or at least laughable) flatmate to my 9-to-5er friend.

but the weekend approaches and i am looking forward to the adventures to come. i'll be able to recharge my batteries over three days' time, spending a long weekend within sight of my favorite skyline.

while i am not fortuante enough to be able to rock the red sox on friday, i'll get to shimmy and sing a bit to some music types come monday. gavin degraw and michael tolcher are still on the road together, but at avalon, averi will fill the second slot vaco occupied at uvm (see previous reference here). it'll be interesting (to say the least) to see how gd and mt's performances have changed in six months - and it will be fantastic to see michael back on sax for averi (although i hope dennis is there!).

most of all, however, i'm happy about the chance to enjoy boston for more than a brief day or evening. three days of relaxation, including further exploration of the city, the inevitable fantastic conversation with my brother, the hottest/best curry known to mankind and whatever else comes along. i plan to wander, i plan to take pictures of things and people i like and i plan to love the city as much as i can for someone who doesn't live there but visits so often she might as well.

viva bostonia.

and, finally, mraz's note to rkop regarding the "lost journal entry" rocks. word, man.

wonderfully put - as always, in that same conversational yet intelligent tone i enjoy so much.

the rotunda looks different on tv

status check - reflective
background ambiance - keyboard keys

i started to write this whole complex examination of my thoughts of washington, particularly the capitol. but it wound up sounding far too trite, so i axed it. instead, i'll simply say that the capitol looks ridiculously different on television.

an ode to writer's block

status check - grr
background ambiance - not enough keyboard clicking ...

you always manage to sneak up on me at the most inopportune of times. here i am, pleased to have something or someone fascinating to write about. i sit at my computer, stretch my neck and place my fingers on the keyboard keys.

nothing.

instead, i'm greeted by the realization that the descriptive phrases i hope to cultivate are trapped in some recess of my mind. some deep dark area that will only creep out with time. but considering that these words are on deadline, it might take forceful coaxing instead.

while there's never a particularly good time for you to strike, i'd prefer it if you tormented me on the little stories. the briefs or snippets that need to get done, but don't earn clip-worthy status.

but nooooo. you wait for the big stories. you strike when i try to write my novel. you attack me when i have something worthy of sharing, but am left without any sense of how to share it.

i try to beat you away with a walk. a quick look stroll through the office, perhaps a few minutes online. and when i return to my blank page, i am convinced that you've gone away. i can write and do that for which i am paid to do.

no matter how many times i leave, however, you're waiting there for my return.

i can do the frug

status check - peachy
background ambiance - rather quiet

it's always odd to run into someone you haven't seen/spoken to in years when you were once friends/classmates/etc. but at least then you can go through your list of mutual acquaintances or shared memories. the classic reminisce upon days gone by sort of deal. odd, but nice in its oddities - well, everything except realizing how old you've become.

but what do you say when you run into someone who hated you when you last saw/spoke to? and for whom you carry a shadow of animosity as well? the list of mutual acquaintances option is out the window, as most of the people you both knew well are also filed under either "yep, knew 'em, but i try to forget i knew 'em" or "hey, i was young and foolish, but then i went to college and learned better." and the few fun times were tainted by the multitude of backstabbing and deceit. any reminiscing makes you realize just how delusional you and everyone else were at the time.

in my case, you say hello, fearing that you'll suddenly revert to your scarred-teenage-girl mentality. you exchange pleasantries while realizing you aren't reverting to the way you were when last you interacted. instead, you see surprise and what you read as fear in the eyes that, in your memory, used to be filled with superiority and distain. and finally, you watch the person's back as the person retreats in the same way you feared you'd hurry away.

and then you feel great, happy to be unburdened with the hints of anxiety and anger that stayed with you over the years.

but you curse the fact that the surprise run-in killed the buzz you had from the drinks at dinner.

----------

in other news. while i might have felt like the past and present were blurring together this weekend, j.lo was keeping everything in perspective, getting married again. i was out of the loop this weekend, as i have no cable or internet at the apartment until the 17th (cable! i'm going to have cable!!!), but i'm glad she's keeping on her process of keeping off - systematically battling elizabeth taylor for the longest marital history.

it appears that saturday's red sox game is sold out, so now i'm disappointed. no dodgers for me. guess i'll have to catch them in l.a., right? plan b? how about averi? haha.

rock the vote's bus tour is coming to burlington and i'm quite pleased. i wonder if any musical performances will be tied in with it ... considering the lineup, it could be a win-win situation for yours truly. give it up for ben and jerry ...

and, finally, "keeping the faith" is a vastly understated movie. i was reminded of precisely how understated it is by my viewing last night.

ack!

status check - aghast
background ambiance - 6 p.m. news

has it really been FOUR (4) YEARS since i was a production intern at the playhouse? slaving away in the set shop during the days, running the lights or sound (or some other task) during shows at night, getting others to buy my underage ass drinks at opening night parties while trying to have some semblance of a social life outside playhouse (and failing)?

oh
good
god.

status check - lovely
background ambiance - really quiet in here

random notes from the end of a random week:

- the last few weeks have raced by so quickly that i can't keep track of when things actually happened. was the most recent averi show before or after fenway? did i re-read the jeff buckley biography before or after "the second assistant"? did i really live in the old apartment less than a week ago?

oy. it's all one big collage of moments capturing the craziness of "victoria - summer, age 23." such is life - always better than being overly bored.

- colorful walls make me feel so much more energized. i haven't had the opportunity to realize this in years, as college walls were obviously off-limits to paint, and my first two apartments featured while walls. now my home life includes lavender, rose and goldenrod. blissful.

- boston plays la next weekend and i am planning on attending the saturday game. averi is in manchester that night - anyone interested in a roadtrip/game/concert? and nomah might be back, no less!

- i'm super dork when it comes to old newspapers.

- jazz festival has begun. walking downtown will be so much cooler during the next week and a half.

- i'm over overanalyzing.

- i'm almost embarrasingly looking forward to seeing "harry potter 3." i know, i know.

- i love my new apartment.

- i'm going to now be productive for the last few hours of my workday.

- xoxox. v.

in lieu of brilliance

status check - a-ok
background ambiance - printer

since i'm tired, i have not the energy to come up with some attempt at wit. instead i will demonstrate that i have not fallen off the face of the planet by posting lyrics to a song i'm enjoying as of late. courtesy of the postal service.

'k, bye.

clark gable

i was waiting for a cross-town in the
london underground when it struck me
that i've been waiting since birth to find a
love that would look and sound like a movie
so i changed my plans i rented a camera and
a van and then i called you
"i need you to pretend that we are in love
again." and you agreed to
i want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and i want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
i greased the lens and framed the shot using
a friend as my stand-in
the script it called for rain but it was clear
that day so we faked it
the marker snapped and i yelled "quiet on
the set" and then called "action!"
and i kissed you in a style clark gable would
have admired (i thought it classic)
i want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and i want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
i know you're wise beyond your years, but
do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell
yourself to help you get by?

status check - relieved, exhausted
background ambiance - same old, same old

depending on your perspective, it's either over or has just begun.

either way, i'm exhausted - but the exhausted resident of a new apartment. lovely.