and now we have my first entry as an "over-educated freeloader."

graduation was incredibly difficult. so much harder than i thought it would be. i was blubbering like a baby for most of the day. but i primarily place my blame on the student life office at st. michael's college. because i was perfectly fine until i got to alliot and saw an envelope on my chair with my name on it.

i'd forgotten all about it--during orientation weekend freshman year, we wrote ourselves letters that would be delivered to us on graduation day. in mine, i wrote about being terrified at st. michael's and how i wasn't sure i'd be able to make it through the first part of the year--let alone to graduation day. but i knew that i would have a good time overall and i just needed to bite my lip and get through the hard times.

freshman self told senior self to stop crying (i didn't listen to my younger self, i'm sorry to say) and to enjoy the day because it was important and an accomplishment. and i told myself to say goodbye to the friends that, at the time of the letter's composition, i still needed to make. and a few other things, but that was the biggest part of it. and i told myself that i was proud of myself.

i would have had a tough time anyway, but that damn letter pushed me over the edge!

the ceremony was nice--our commencement speakers were rick and dick hoyt--father and son team that run in marathons. rick has cerebal palsy and communicates through an electronic voice device that he has to operate. he delivered the entire commencement address--13 minutes--with the device. he spent five and a half hours programming it for us. it was absolutely amazing. so many people were crying at the end--including my mom and provost sheeran. beautiful moment.

my friends all looked incredibly calm and graceful while accepting their degrees--i'm proud to report that none of us stumbled, fell, looked silly...go us!--and i teared up as each of them shook vanderheyden's hand and took their diplomas. the whole event was surreal...how on earth had we all gotten to that point? when had we grown up?

it didn't feel real when my name was called. i walked up, got my degree, smiled at the pres, then walked back to my seat. i saw baz and slapped five, saw laura-beth, but the rest was kind of a blur.

and then it was all over. it was raining when we walked out of ross (grrrr), so a lot of the crowd ran off quickly and i didn't get to see a lot of people i wanted to see, but i got to say a few goodbyes and take some pictures. caleb found me and had a card for me (made out to "fry girl"--crackhead), which was sweet. after awhile, i headed back to the house, where we all posed for millions upon millions of pictures and ate the lunch we'd prepared. mr. and mrs. lepore came, which made me incredibly happy...

partway through lunch, i don't know exactly what happened. i'd spent so much time feeling calm about graduation, and then it was all over and i just got overwhelmingly quiet and upset. i knew that if i said anything or did anything, i was going to burst into tears, and i didn't want to in front of all the people there. so i just sat in my corner and watched everything. i was perfectly content and peaceful if i just stayed like that.

finally, i knew i had to leave. had to pack up and head out because being there while everything was ending was too much for me. so i packed, cleaned, loaded up the cars, and had to say goodbye.

i cried as i said goodbye to each of the girls and when i said goodbye to drew. but i was relatively ok until i got into the car with my mom and she started to drive away. then i just burst into tears and didn't stop crying until about 20 minutes later. i can't even think about it without crying. it's amazing how wonderful something seems once it's all over. i mean, i loved college. truly truly loved it. but i didn't fully realize it until i was leaving for the last time.

the first couple of days have been alright--kind of rough just because i feel like i should still be there. it doesn't really feel over yet. but i've got the pictures coming back tomorrow, the degree, and graduation presents--it's all over. my family has been great--i've been prattling on about school constantly, occasionally crying a bit--and my parents gave me two of the most beautiful graduation presents. they got me a frame for my diploma--it's big and has black matting with "saint michael's college" in gold at the bottom and the seal at the top and a photo of founders hall--that made me cry (obviously) when i saw it, and they got me a 2002 st. michael's college beer stein that is lovely. it's amazing how sappy i am right now--if something has "st. michael's" on it, i love it. it's like a security blanket...although i haven't been able to put the "st. michael's alumni" sticker on my car yet.

i start work tomorrow and i'm already compiling all of my stuff for resumes. i just want to get everything out there so i can get a job. so i've been pouring through clips, trying to find the best ones, figuring out the best way to present all of my work and figuring out where i'm going to send things. as well as talking to my mother about budgeting and insurance and all that jazz.

reality is starting to hit me hard. and, while i know i'll be fine with it eventually, all i want right now is to be back at school with my friends.