i just went for a walk around the academic buildings to check out some labs, and found myself standing in the portico right outside cheray. i stopped for a moment because the cold air felt great and helped wake me up a bit (three hours sitting at a computer waiting for phones to ring gets rather monotonous), and as i looked at the academic quad, it hit me that i'm graduating in exactly three months. and, while it's been on my mind constantly over the course of this year, it hit me that it feels (in some respects) like yesterday that i looked at the academic quad thinking that i would be spending four years on this campus. and how i couldn't imagine being here that long. the brick buildings were foreign to me and, because of that, they were intimidating. and i wondered who worked in the offices, who attended the classes and how things would turn out for me here.

now i realize that in approximately 90 days, i'm going to have to leave and find myself in a new environment of imposing buildings, unknown offices and people i've never met.

three months, and i don't have job prospects (yet), i have no idea of where i want to live, and the career choice i think i want to go into (theatre criticism) is one where there isn't really a big market unless i can crack into a paper in a city with a thriving theatre scene. or i can just do regular journalism, but i'm so exhausted with it (with d and f--i know i don't want to do sports) that it's not nearly as appealing as it used to be. maybe i just need a new scene and whatnot to get the thrill back, but because i've been editing, i haven't had a chance to really report anything for the past year and i wonder how many good stories i could have written in that span of time, instead of sitting in front of a computer fixing typos and lining boxes up in quark.

during a random little argument with my father last semester, he made a comment about how i'm too sensitive and that if i'm going to be a journalist, i need to develop a thicker skin. i shrugged it off at first because i knew he didn't mean i wasn't cut out to be a reporter, he was just mad. but the thought is in my head now, and i wonder if he was right. do i have what it takes to fight to get an interview? can i get into a story enough to spend hours researching a story? do i have what it takes?

i used to say yes without blinking, but now i'm not so sure. i know i've said it before, but i feel like i'm 21 going on 45, an old, jaded veteran of journalism. i need to get back into it again--find the reason i wanted to get into journalism in the first place. because right now, i'm just going from task to task, going through the motions to be done with my day so i can start it up again. i didn't even feel a big rush when i saw my byline in the f the second time--the first time, i admit, i really did, i thought that was snazzy.

what i think i need is to have one week where i just don't do anything with it. no defender, no f, no work. just a chance to relax, write whatever i want to write or not write if that's what i want to do. not have to answer questions for section editors, not have to meet a deadline for a story, not have to go to class.

break would be the obvious choice for such a time, but it's already looking rather hairy. it's right when basketball playoffs start up, ted wants me in the sportsroom as much as possible, i have to make money at home, and i have to plan for defender. and i really should be in the f because it'll help cut down on my hours i have to work for the magic 140--and, if i get those hours done early, as soon as i finish the necessary internship hours, t told me i can be completely done with the f so i can enjoy the last weeks of college.

so i think i'm going to compromise. i'm going to take a couple of days during break and be stupid and have fun. john mayer is going to be at higher ground on the 25th, then at lupo's in providence on the 26th--a monday and tuesday. so what i'm going to try to do is go to both shows--take off tuesday for a trip down to providence to catch the second show and, if things work out, try to meet up with lars? come back for work at the f wednesday, then work at home in the mornings and the f at night thursday friday and saturday. come back and relax on sunday, resume classes the following monday. i think that might be enough to give me a little sanity break but still help me get necessary work accomplished.

i was telling my mother while we chatted on the phone today, and she told me she thought it was a wonderful idea. i don't know what it is, but she has been so amusing as of late. she never would have viewed that favorably, but lately? it's a transformation. after the awards ceremony at ACTF, she told me to "go celebrate, drink a little and kiss a boy." the other day, she told me to "go party." and today? she's saying she approves of my thoughts of running around in a car to see a singer two nights in a row and driving hours because it'll be good for me?

ok, random stream-of-consciousness is over...