i was curled up in bed, unable to sleep. so i figured i'd check email and then go back to bed. which naturally meant i'd drop a line here, since i haven't in a bit.

i've been working working working. i've also decided that i'm an idiot and have selected the worst possible time of year to start working out. for whatever reason, i'm determined to get in shape now. during the holidays. when cookies, fudge, chocolate, cookies, fudge are being offered to me on what seems like a ten-minute cycle. i've been good. i've been working out and whatnot. but i don't know how much longer i can say no to peanut butter fudge...

christmas is rapidly approaching, i'm happy about it. it'll be good to see family, it'll be good to see smc friends while i'm "at home" in massachusetts. i hope to see drew, i'm staying at michelle's for a few days, and we're going to see pmb at avalon on the 27th. i finally bought the tickets today--so now it's official! while i have to work a lot over this break to make money (and thus be able to continue working on defender--note to self: talk to paul about defender), it'll be nice to have a chance to get away and actually act like a 21-year-old college student for once. :)

but it's been nice to be home. i'm getting along with everyone--my father is incredibly excited about christmas--for some reason, it seems more so than in previous years--and it's infectious. i think he's happy that both of his kids are home for a bit (although tom won't be with us for the actual holiday--he's going down to alyx's place--the trade off of holidays--we get her for thanksgiving, they get him for christmas) and that things are brighter than they have been in years past. it makes me all the happier to be home for the holidays--although every once in awhile, i get these ridiculously overly-sentimental pangs of "this is the last time i'll spend christmas 'at home'--next year i have to be out there in the world somewhere". what do you expect from the girl who STILL cries (as i recently discovered) watching the little mermaid, for christ's sake? my mother and i have had a chance to spend time together--the other day we went for a walk around town--it was absolutely gorgeous outside, warm, sunny, and snow everywhere--and talk and relax. besides my constant growls at my father for his working too much and my moaning about how muscles i didn't even know i had aching, it's been really nice.

but i know once january rolls around, i'll be ready to go back. i'm always ready to. much as i crave getting the hugs from my family, i need to be away just as much. that's one of the reasons why i'm looking forward to boston. a chance to get away for a few days, see my joey girl, have fun, and be free for a little bit.

in other news...it's crazy to think that it's already been a year since lexi passed away...i think about her constantly, obviously, but i try not to think about it too much and get overly sentimental. afterall, i know that if she was able to be around me when i did focus on it too much, she'd slap me upside the head and tell me to wise up. but it's been hard. particularly this year, because as we go through all of the "this is the last time we're doing this at st. mike's...", i feel like she should be there with us. hell, she definitely should. and thinking that it's been a full year she's been gone...i just miss her. how could you not miss someone who forgets to come back to school for the spring semester? honestly! so today, i told my family to be careful driving, went to work, visited becca and came home. and when i went upstairs and was by myself, i pulled out the ani difranco ticket i keep in my wallet and looked at it for a few minutes. lexi had ordered it for me, so it has her last name on it. and that was enough.