shift switch

status check - contemplative
background ambiance - quiet, at the moment

i had a post here talking about the past - spurred mostly by the fact that the college kids are back in town and the realization (courtesy of my flatmate) that it'll be six years tomorrow since i first arrived in this town as a college freshman orientating myself with campus.

i spend too much time thinking about the past. during my days, i wind up thinking back on a regular basis, while i've spent my insomnia-prompted nights focusing on the future.

i need to reverse this pattern. remember the nights in my dream state, focus on the future while i'm conscious.

whenever i get like this (i.e. not able to sleep when other, reasonable folks are enjoying their REM cycles), i wish there was someone else around, or at least reachable via some form of communication, with whom i can discuss these random thoughts running through my mind. i remember the things i'd like to share, but i recall them when there's no one else around to enjoy them.

for instance, last night (well, early this morning) i dreamt that i was helping guster with the cover art for their new album (i have no idea of why i was thinking of guster, but i'm assuming the new album bit was because of my recent frequent music purchases). i was shown a mock-up of it, featuring a large slice of olive green pie. when i commented that i didn't think it looked quite right, whoever was holding the mockup reached into it, pulled out the piece of 3-D pie and asked me to adjust it accordingly. we then searched for large, vegas-style lettering and a thousand paper airplanes to throw. the airplanes would be seen in the distance, as would the lettering. but the wind gust that carried the planes knocked over the letters, sending sparks everywhere for a big old mess.

i don't know why i was thinking guster, pie or vegas, but the dream was there, ridiculously vividly. and i'm not sure why i'm thinking of it again or describing it now.

i need to look to the future - or do something new for my present. i want a new hobby. i want to travel somewhere new. i want to write a chapter of my novel, but the characters haven't given me the next pieces of the puzzle yet. i want to meet someone new and find out what makes them tick. i want to catch up with someone i haven't seen in years. i want to go off to find some adventure or realize an adventure has found me. and i want to go to sleep realizing that something exciting is right around the bend, waiting for me to approach.

i'm happy right now - very happy, actually. i'm doing some form of what i want to spend my life doing, i've got friends who love me as much as i love them. i have a happy little place that i call my home with two fantastic people crazy enough to live with me. but i get wanderlusty and find myself wondering what else is going to come up - and get impatient, wondering when it'll get here or when i'll get to it.

i wind up feeling envious of the people i read about in various forums, people off in other parts of the country - sometimes the world - doing all these things that seem romatically fascinating from my little space. i'm acutely aware of the fact that these other adventures come with their share of problems and stress. i know it's never as exciting as it looks. and i'm realize that the number of people who do such amazing things are extremely small - that they're a special bunch. but i'm not ordinary - i'm special too. is it just that i'm more typical than i think, or is it that i missed a turn somewhere? and which realization would be more devastating?

why can't i just be perpetually satisfied with what i have? why i can't i make things easier that way? am i even supposed to?

much as it has always been a comfort to be able to spout such gibberish to myself, for whatever reason, i feel this need tonight to connect with someone else.