losing touch

status check - groovy
background ambiance - indoor fan

i wish anything i could say would make a difference.

made the too-long-but-always-seems-worth-it-at-the-time trip to bradford with beth and becca last night so we could catch averi's return to the middle earth - and the first show back after several weeks off for recording. we figured it would be fun to see the guys perform again, despite the fact that the trip requires making a diagonal cut across the state of vermont. but hey, we always say we wish there were more vermont shows, so we ought to show support when there is, right?

the middle-aged bohemian vibe of the middle earth also makes it worthwhile. it's a fun place to see a band you know - everyone else there is (stuart's family aside) pretty much oblivious to anything other than the music and how you can contort your body in time with the rhythm. it's an ecclectic little spot in the middle of nowhere and people arrive ready to have happy frappy fun.

the three members of the "we listen to this band way too damn much" tour also were ready for the fun that was had. we laughed and sang along from our little back table - two-thirds of us made it to the dance floor for the obligatory "shake your ass" songs. as we were among the minority of the crowd - people who were familiar with the band - we also were able to enjoy good-naturedly heckling both the band and ourselves under our breath.

i had a great time. but it was again more the expereince of being there with my friends than the band itself. it's been like that a lot lately.

the truth of the matter is that i felt insulted. in yet another instance, we were ready for a strong set and were presented with a sub-par performance. it's become the norm for any of averi's recent vermont shows - and it's because only four-fiths of the band actually seems to give a damn about being there.

last night, chad sounded as if he had a cold. perhaps he's been worn out by recording. perhaps things didn't feel right on the first show back after a break. whatever the reason, he was off. his voice improved during the second mini-set, but still was shaky throughout. he forgot lyrics (granted, this happens all the time, but normally he can gloss that over - and it's rarely during "flutter") and seemed to have this mayer-like stage delivery that just rubbed me the wrong way at times. he gave the audience no credit that we knew what ear monitors were. he seemed three steps behind everyone else.

it's been the same way the last few vermont shows i've attended.

his energy at the last metronome show as non-existant and he seemed pissed off by the lack of turnout. fine, fuck it - beth and i danced to graham colton, drank with dennis and had a good time - actually, uncharacteristically far too good of a time (read: wound up waaaay too drunk).

chad gave an alright set at nectar's, then came off as completely antisocial to the group of fans we'd gotten together for the evening. he just did not seem to want to be there at all. ok, screw it - my friends and i danced and rocked out to their set and then headed off to manhattan's and had a blast.

the rest of the band? solid whenever we see them. stuart, chris, michael and matt are strong performers and they have given the same level of energy at the shows i've been able to attend throughout new england. i love knowing that i'll be able to hear stu completely own a guitar solo or that i'll be able to dance along with michael's insane sax melodies.

but with chad, i've just been hoping that he'll give the out-of-boston shows his full attention. which is tough, because he's the person i've always wanted to see do the best. but the chad i associate with the band isn't the chad who stands on stage now - and i just have to realize that and go with it.

i'm sure it's more exciting to be headlining paradise in boston in front of his adoring hometown crowd - and i'm sure more nerve-wracking as well. he's delivered some great performances there. those positive concert experiences are why i've made sure to be in boston for shows. they're why i wanted to be there the first time they headlined at the paradise, the first performance at avalon, etc. they're why becca and beth have made the trips to boston to see them at the paradise. they're why michelle and i drove to providence and then froze our asses off with the hopes of a good show at the bitterly cold living room. they're why we drove an hour and a half to bradford last night.

but these vermont shows should mean something to him too. any show should. much as i love going to boston, it's still three and a half hours away. there's something exciting about knowing that my favorite band is going to be in burlington - or in vermont - and that i don't have to spend hours in the car to get there. this time, i'm going to be able to go to a show with all of my friends here and we'll all be able to enjoy the band we've put in a lot of time traveling to see, promoting to others, in one case even introducing the music to a group of second graders, for crying out loud.

and then that quasi-local show happens and four of the five band members show up for it mentally.

if chad's not going to commit to the show, why should we waste our time? we can cheer for the other guys while they deliver their performances, but with the lead singer focused more on his hair and channeling jeff buckley than the show at hand, the band can't top past performances.

it's been a trend, but i can't say anything because it's not my place. let's say, hypothetically speaking, i were to send chad an email, saying i wanted to just say that i hope things were alright because i'd been slightly concerned after the last few performances i'd seen.

first of all, i wouldn't get a response, because chad doesn't talk to me beyond the obligatory hello when i say hi at shows. secondly, he can disprove my concern by saying that the fan base is increasing, so they're really getting better. thirdly, he could say that i just don't know what i'm talking about.

but let's face it. i'm not going to say hi and tell him he did a great job at a show when he didn't. second, the fan base would increase more with stronger out-of-boston shows. and thirdly, i do know what i'm talking about.

anyway, we were discussing this a bit during the show when we noticed that another averi fan was walking by our table on a semi-regular basis. while this would normally be completely fine, she would walk by with a snarl on her face each time.

what bothered me is that i felt the desire to snarl right back, to make it clear that we belonged there just as much as she did. to state that we've known the band for years now and we're not some newbies coming to drool over them.

i hated that feeling. i hated not feeling completely comfortable there, i hated feeling the need to justify our presence, i hated needing to figure out why chad was off. and, and much as i had an amazing time with my friends, i hate that i have to say that the experience was a blast, the performance not so much.

most of all, i hate that i feel such a sense of loss about the whole thing.