you know, there are times when i think it's got to be me - that there's something about me, victoria, that doesn't quite jive with the joint and everyone else has made an effort. it must be, right?

but then something will happen, something will be said, when i realize that really, perhaps it is the case that things have, for whatever reason, not been examples of my stellar social skills, but it is a two-way street. for example, someone who shall remain nameless (but can be identified by my collegiate classmates as the person of note also attended our institute of higher education) walking through, introducing someone to members of the office, pointing out that the three staffers present were all graduates of the same journalism program and making particular note of the fact that one was editor of the online publication and completely failing to mention that i was editor of the print publication. the same person walking with me and two other staffers a couple of days ago and asking me what my plans were for the fourth of july and, after i replied that i wasn't sure, making sure to specifically invite the other two staffers to his hometown for fourth festivities (saying, "well, you know the two of you are more than welcome to ..."). another staffer stopping by to say hello and chatting it up with everyone else while giving me a "hey there," before continuing the chatting it up with everyone else. and similar examples of the general sense of enjoyment people have when i walk into a room.

know what? that's ok. really. because there are a lot of things that i don't have in common with everyone else, i realize more and more. and i haven't had a chance to really show them who i am because i did spend a lot of time trying to convince them - and myself - that i did have those things in common with them and belonged where i was. but know what? the basic, underlying fact is that they want to be a part of this group, part of this population working on the hill and serving as professional political employees. whereas i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that that is nothing remotely resembling what i want to do with my time and do not enjoy it anymore. and i don't want to play the little political social games and discuss the silly little political issues and focus on the little political goals. i want to focus on making myself happy and do what makes me happy - which is not in the political realm.

i have done a damn good job doing what i was hired to do. i have expanded and assisted in other things as well, doing a good job with those things too. i've shown that i am capable of handling anything thrown my way.

i just don't want to continue to do it. which is why i'm looking at options so i don't do it anymore. and that way there can be someone here who wants to be, who will jive with the rest of the joint and i will be free to do what i want to do with people like me who want the same things i do and who i can feel like myself around, therefore enriching their lives and mine.

not to mention that i'll be physically and emotionally stronger by then so i'm prepared to give them what i have to give and what i deserve to give.

whoo hoo!

anyway, that's my little tirade for the morning. the weather continues to be dreary and london-esque - bah. vermont will be a welcome change when i travel there this weekend to celebrate my mother's birthday. not to mention the V.S.B.T. - almost there!!! i have an appointment this afternoon that i am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time ... but it's another in a series of steps that i've got to take. that i want to take while wanting to hold back at the same time. i'm such a contradiction in terms, but i just have to fight through it.

quote of the day: "another odd feather of the parallel universe is that although it is invisible from this side, once you are in it you can easily see the world you came from. sometimes the world you came from looks huge and menacing, quivering like a vast pile of jelly; at other times it is miniaturized and alluring, a-spin and shining in its orbit. either way, it can't be discounted."

i'm on my way.