it doesn't feel like it's been a year since i wrote this. yet at the same time, it feels like it happened eons ago. while any anniversary is accompanied by that paradox, today is an extreme example of it.

i know we'll all be innundated by images and thoughts and commentaries today, but it's time for my mini-commentary (it's my blog, so just deal with it). looking back now, i don't believe i ever discussed here where i was or what i was doing and whatnot. baz called at 10:20 and woke me up, telling me that something had happened at the world trade center. still half-asleep, i didn't get it. "hun, that happened back in the 90s. bomb...it was a tragedy, but it was awhile ago."

"no, a plane hit the trade center. turn on your tv."

"fine, i'll call you back."

i went downstairs in what i thought was my empty townhouse and turned on the tv to nbc, absolutely amazed/horrified/shocked by what i was seeing. katie and matt were trying to figure out what had happened, i was trying to follow them figuring it out. i went outside and spoke with soo, and when i came back inside, the second tower had collapsed (the first had already fallen). i spent the rest of the day glued to the television, just like everyone else in the country, leaving to attend a service in the chapel.

i didn't cry much or anything--i didn't know anyone who would have been in danger. the only time i remember crying was when i thought they would resume the draft, because i was worried that my brother would be drafted and something would happen to him. but i don't even believe that was on the first day--i think it was the day after. the lack of planes flying overhead was a jolt--i had grown so accustomed to the background sound of the jet engines that i hadn't noticed them until they were silenced and an eerie quiet filled the air.

and here we are, a year later. back then, i was just beginning my senior year of college. i didn't know where i would be in a year or what i would be doing--figuring out how to handle the first issue of the defender was enough of a pressing issue for me. i was surrounded by a community of friends at st. michael's, sharing the unbelievable experience with all of them and communicating with my family at home.

i didn't realize until today how today is not only the anniversary of a horrific moment in our lives, but a marker from which we can see how each of us have changed in the past year. i feel so much older now. i went from a college student in vermont to someone who is working for the very government we turned to on that day. i watched the television and saw news reports from washington--and on this september 11, i'm in washington. surreal...

i'm carrying on business as normal in the office, presently watching the pentagon memorial service on c-span. walking out of union station this morning, i took a small american flag from one of the numerous people passing them out, so the flag is currently displayed on my desk. all of the flags that are in front of the fountain in front of the station were at half mast while many people were wearing red white and blue. i personally struggled with what to wear today--much as it sounds utterly shallow--and fought my initial impulse to wear black, deciding instead to wear something lighter and cheerier in color, but still professional and tasteful enough to be respectful, considering what so many were observing. i wasn't the only one who struggled with this--i've spoken to several people who went through the same thing (which was a relief, as i felt incredibly superficial while having this internal debate).

there's a candlelight vigil at the capitol reflecting pool this evening that i plan to attend, then i'll come home, possibly run (depending on the time) and reflect, then watch the rebroadcast of "9/11" on cbs (i was only able to see bits and pieces of it the first time it aired because i had defender responsibilities to take care of). other than that, i think it's important to think and reflect on things, but also carry on as normally as possible--otherwise, we're still being attacked, in a sense.

but i hope everyone out there is safe and remembering the day in their own special ways...my parents were a little worried about me being here today, but i can say with confidence that i'm in one of the safest places in the country right now and nothing will happen today, so fear not. just take care.