frustration.

i don't like to let people see when i'm getting stressed. people have enough going on, they don't need to see a whiny victoria bitching about the choices she's made. but every once in awhile, i just snap. and in order to get my thoughts out this time, i'm just going to pound the keys a bit with the hope that i'll feel better.

the urge to scream was prompted by my editor at the f tonight. i called to see if i could come in at 8:30 instead of 7 (i wanted to make sure someone was at the s.a. open forum--not to mention that i was interested in attending for my own personal interest), and i got a runaround answer that could be simplified to "we want you here at 7." fine, whatever. keeping in mind the number of times i have come in early, switched around my schedule, showed up on a friday night for what was supposed to be a "busy night" but was actually just one or two phone calls and four hours spent staring at a blank computer screen. the one time i ask if i can come in late and they tell me no. they should know that i have been busting my ass for them and i wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

i just feel like i'm running from obligation to obligation and have no time to relax or sleep or clean my room or watch television or go to a movie. all of the things i'm doing are things i've always wanted to do--and, don't get me wrong, i'm happy to be doing them--but having them all weighing down on me at once is pushing me to my breaking point. and they don't all fit together--missing a meeting i should cover for defender because i have to be at the f, calling in sick to work because i have to cover a story, not being able to focus on my senior sem because i have defender, not being able to get an assignment done because i've got work followed by f followed by story ideas for defender...

and that's not even including the opportunity to see my friends--i feel like i'm constantly running in or out the door, saying hello to my housemates as i rush off to the next thing. within the span of sunday night-monday night, i talked to lars on the phone more than i saw or talked to beth or michelle--and it's entirely my fault. i need to have time to spend with my favorite people. but to whom do i say, "no, i can't do that, i need time for myself"? the f is counting on me. the defender counts on me. my grade for senior sem is riding on what i do. and my body is constantly screaming at me for not sleeping enough, not eating enough (or not eating well enough), my room is in desperate need of cleaning, there are dishes and downstairs to clean, i have things in my car that i brought back from spring break with me that are still in the trunk...

i have to tackle things one item at a time. it's the way it works best. but it's hard right now to do that--as i work on one thing, i get calls or emails or reminders of the other things i need to do. and i'm constantly yawning or rubbing my eyes because i'm tired. and i find whatever phone is available and stare at it, wanting to call my friends and talk to them about how they are doing.

i know it's just a little slump--part of the cycle. but seeing the days fly by and graduation race closer makes me feel all that much more desperate. the little kid in me wants someone to give me a hug and tell me that i don't have to worry about all of this. and that graduation isn't going to be here before i know it. and that i won't look back on the last year of my college career, wishing i'd done less and had time to live a little more.

alright, enough whining. have to get to the f. don't mind me, i'll be perfectly fine in no time.