just being

status check - happy
background ambiance - silence, although i've got "beautiful, beautiful" stuck in my head

i like to keep busy. i like to be doing things, going places, seeing sights. it's been well established, through my crazy roadtrips and decisions to "just check it out," whatever it may be.

sometimes, however, a friday evening rolls around and i realize i don't want to do anything. i just want to curl up in jeans and a sweatshirt and do whatever requires the least bit of energy and thought.

such nights can be pretty hit or miss. depends on how the stars align, if you're doing nothing alone or if you have partners in non-existant crime.

tonight, however, has worked out well. i arrived home, with my "aw, screw it, i'm lazy tonight" chinese takeout and spent the evening laughing and going through memories posted online. some my own, most decidely not - which made it all the funnier. beth and i inadvertantly wandered into a web of links and blogs, straying from averi to howie to mraz to ewan to some terrifyingly hilarious music by a band i sincerely hope remains forever hidden in obscurity.

we wound up back here, reading posts from years gone by - years that feel much more distant than the calendar might claim. it was funny to see how 2001 conjures images of sophomore year of college ... all the more so when we were reminded that it was actually senior year.

beth commented on the fact that i used to write much more about my day-to-day activities back then, instead of the broader commentaries (such as they are) that i compose now. a valid observation, i quickly realized. the end of 2001 marked my last comprehensive year in review - it was almost disappointing to see that follow-ups weren't included. i was shocked to realize i did not promptly capture various phone calls in dc - including most the voicemail from burlington in early september 2002 and my disastrous drunk dial the following november (let it be stated: we drunk dialed everyone my age in my phone book, including timme - i still don't know how we got that number - and chad. this also marks the last time i actually spoke with chad on the telephone).

the concerts - those have been consistent. i can follow my growing knowledge of howie day shows, averi shows, john shows, et al. i can once again race back to the horrible feeling of illness that swept over me the first time i tried to see mraz, when i left iota convinced i'd be passed out on the sidewalk before reaching the metro. i made references to wishing i could speak again to people i've subsequently reconnected with - i described connections with people i'm likely never to see or speak to again.

but i haven't done much of it lately. i've been writing about my politics, my online findings, whatever ... but what ever happened to the days of multiple posts during an attempt at an all-nighter? my vows of "never write a paper for so-and-so again," followed by vows to "never write a paper for so-and-so again, take 2"? sure, some elements have changed - definitely no longer the college girl, instead a *cough* professional, but i can maintain some of that spirit and daily insight, right?

maybe it's just that i subconsciously believe that i'll remember more things now that i'm out of the rush of college and early adulthood (as i'm now supposedly in early-mid-adulthood). or perhaps it's simply that i haven't done anything i consider spectacular enough to document for the ages. i don't believe either argument. i know things have already slipped my memory (i just hope something jogs it back into my mind), and i've done some fascinating things since.

and i've just had my random, logic-defying thoughts, both in waking and sleeping worlds.

i had two vivid dreams tuesday night - one involved a flood. it focused predominantly on the return to my flooded car after the waters receded. i remember walking ten miles to get to the car, at which point i stood by it, furious that it wasn't likely to work and that i wouldn't be able to get to any of the places i needed to go. logic at its finest: after walking ten miles, i believed i couldn't get anywhere.

in the other, i was a student - my age, just in school. perhaps grad, but the details weren't too clear. i was at a school lounge, listening to some live music by a singer-songwriter, when i realized i had five minutes to get to class for an exam. i felt no need to leave, however, until the musician suddenly exclaimed, "shit! i have five minutes before an exam!" we were in the same class, and we raced to the classroom, our binders pressed against our chests so the notebook paper wouldn't fly onto the hallway floor. we got into class just as the professor was beginning to hand out the exams, and we took seats in the same row, one student between us. i flipped over the exam booklet and realized i needed to know everything there was to know about thailand - and i knew nothing. the musican and i each looked at each other with dumbfounded expressions, turned back and began to bullshit through each of the exams. i woke up just as i wrote that thailand's year of independence was 1962. (for the record, the following day i looked up thailand in the cia world factbook. thailand independence: 1238 - traditional founding date - never colonized. newest constitution signed by king phumpiphon on 11 october 1997.)

dream analysis gurus of the e-world, lend me your expertise.

i used to mention things like that. i haven't in ages.

can it be that i need to focus on ME more? many would laugh out loud and say that's not possible - touche, i say to you, sirs and madams. but let's face it, i'm a writer. you write what you know, you know what you learn, you learn what you remember. which means i should be able to take from my learnings four years ago as well as those four months ago.

to think, i wind up having a grand philosophical rant and debate with myself - one i should have more often - on a night when i decide to just be for a bit.

note to self: be more often.