...

status check - contemplative
background ambiance - rilo kiley, "with arms outstretched"

i'm not a big fan of ghost stories - not as much as i was when i was young. back then, i would read "scariest stories you've never heard" volumes 1-265, however many there were. christopher pike young adult novels with the ghost of a teenager for a narrator and the like. i devoured them, loving the idea of ghosts and being scared.

as i grew older, the natural sketpicism grew and i eventually dismissed the idea of lingering spirits and sleeping with the bedroom door open so as to shed light inside my room (i was never scared of the dark, but if something supernatural was in the room with me, i wanted to be able to see it clearly).

every once in awhile, however, you hear about something that makes you stop and ponder. or, perhaps, you have something happen to you where the timing is so on that you have to think, "well, maybe ..."

i had one of those situations occur four years ago today. christmas break of junior year and i was back at the vacation job (mcdonald's, represent). during the evening, i was out in the back area making salads, when i happened to look up front to see if they needed my help. i was amazed to see that lexi, a good friend since early freshman year, was at the front counter.

surprised, my face broke into a grin and i started to head to the counter to say hi. i looked down, then looked up and saw that the woman there looked nothing at all like lexi - must have been my mind playing tricks on me. i went back to my salad-making, briefly thinking about how random it was that i would think lexi would be stopping into the store when she lived nowhere near there.

this occurred shortly after i'd decided to take out my tongue piercing. after a few years of it, i had randomly decided that i didn't want it anymore ... but spent much of the time thinking about the day lexi, becca and lucas went with me to get it. after my shift that night, i went home, took out the barbell and went to sleep - i woke up the next day and the hole had, as i'd hoped, healed overnight.

two completely random things, nothing that would normally have stood out (besides the fact that i no longer had the barbell to play with - which was in and of itself a hard thing to get used to). but, as it turned out, just around the time i thought i saw lexi at the store, she died. right around the time i first decided to get rid of the piercing she had gone with me to get, she was involved with a car accident.

the news didn't reach me until the next day, when my store managers told me that the rest of my shift was covered and i needed to go to my friend's house, which was within walking distance from the store. grumbling at the thought of a missed afternoon of work, i walked up to her front door, rang the doorbell, and saw the red eyes and tears inside.

so it's been four years and lexi continues to be in my thoughts from time to time. i'll remember laughing until i cried as she sprawled on the floor doing the worm. i might listen to some tori amos and remember her exasperated participation in an audio letter i made for a friend back home who thought tori was "lesbian music" - "LESBIAN? tori's MARRIED!" when i'm frustrated, i might recall our last conversation, as i ranted about not having enough time for all the responsibilities i had - "vic, it sucks. i know how it feels. there's no way to make it feel better right now, but i understand and i know it's horrible." and i'll remember how that little bit of honesty - void of any of the sugar-coating and optimism others had tried - worked perfectly.

i miss my friend, but i just smile. because that's what lexi made me do in life. and i smiled when i thought i saw her that day four years ago.

and, for one day - or in one instance, at least - i'll believe in the idea of ghosts or presences and imagine she's smiling back at my grin.