i know i get in moods where i'm whiny and convinced no one likes me and all that jazz. and i know it's normal growing pain (minus kirk cameron, but leonardo would be nice) type of shit, and i know just as quickly as i can get in these moods, i can also get out of them and love everyone. it's called being a Young Adult (whatever the hell that one means).

but honestly, it was so hard at the social tonight. i almost left early, and while i'm glad i didn't (because my girls rock and they MADE me have fun), it sucks to be watching everyone else running up and talking to everyone else or just randomly starting to dance with everyone else and everyone else seeming to have a fun time. and feeling like you're the only frown in a sea of smiles.

i don't want to be friends with a lot of the fake people. no matter how much i use them as an example, i don't want to be a part of Them. i dealt with that in high school, and i have been determined to not deal with it in college.

it's not the people that bothers me. it's the feeling of belonging that i miss. no matter how much high school was stupid (because we all had to get along because there were practically 12 of us), when things happened, i was right there in with it. i knew what was going on because i was there doing it. and maybe i was walking around with blinders, but it felt like people wanted me to be there in it, to a degree.

i have some amazing friends, and i'm thankful every day that i made the right decision and came to this school. i can just imagine elmira (oh wait, i'd rather not) or ithaca (competition ruling my life for four years), and i know that i wouldn't be happy like i am here anywhere else.

it just means so much to have someone come up to me and give me a hug and ask how i'm doing and really want to know. and people that i thought would always be there with that hug and that desire to know aren't there for me. and it's not like i want these people constantly coming up to me and wanting to know How I'm Really Doing all the time like some sick afterschool special. i just don't like feeling like i'm standing by someone in a crowded room and they walk away to find someone Better to talk to. and yeah, maybe a lot of it is perception. anyone who knows me well knows that i don't exactly have the highest regard for myself a great deal of the time. but i just don't have many reasons to think otherwise. if i thought i was Miss Thang or something, maybe it would all be different. and that self-awareness and self-esteem would radiate to everyone else and they would realize that they WANT to be talking to me because i rock their worlds or something. but i'm not like that. i can't be like that. i can be great at doing something--that's why i'm doing so much this semester.

i just have the hardest time in the world just being me. and that, my darling readers, truly sucks.

it is so ridiculously hot.

senior social tonight. drunken revelry that i could not partake in because i am not of the legal drinking age. grrr. but dancing was pretty amusing, except for being beaten by flailing limbs and being spanked by shaun d. you know, there are some things a girl just should NOT experience. i had a pretty decent time once i forced myself to not think about who either wasn't there, or once he was there, wasn't around...i don't know, there are just a lot of people in my class that i have no use for (or just downright don't like), and as the years have gone by, the group of them that i do like have dwindled significantly. and i'm not going to waste my time and act like i do like them, so i hang out with those that i do like and just whatever. does that make me a snobby bitch? perchance. does that make me any different from any of the rest of them? not fucking likely! it's a beautiful system...most of the time...;)

i had a fantastic day...my first day at the f went really well. there's something about being in an actual newsroom and hearing nothing but the clicking of keyboard keys and mouse buttons, broken by the occasional ringing and a game being called in. and watching them put together the pages, in glorious COLOR (as opposed to our black and white)...i know that i'm going to run out and buy an issue tomorrow so i can check out the briefs and see what i did. sure, it's dry and boring (they're briefs, they're supposed to be) and my name won't be anywhere in the paper, but just knowing that i did something that so many people are going to see is a cool rush.

alco-fuckin-hol...
ajklfjd;ajfieaiej;aejiaejo.
fun nite.

i'm more stressed than i realized. starting, in some respects, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i am truly, incredibly stressed. all day (once i woke up--missed kirk's class because my body refused to function) i have had my mind racing with what i need to do, when i need to do it, how i need to do it, who i need to talk to...and my body feels slight off-kilter because of it...i don't feel completely normal. too jittery. i tried the good ol' "keep your hand as steady as possible" trick and i failed. dismally. i'm never exceptionally good at it, but today, it's really bad. my fingertips are fluttering about, my wrist is moving, and my mind is straining, trying to get the damn things to stay still for even a second.

hopefully improv will help. but i don't know if i'm even going to have time for it once things really get going.

i just need to breathe and keep myself organized and i'll be fine. and lay off caffeine. ;)

i'm sitting here with greek tragedy beckoning (not like i want it to, but i have to read it for tomorrow), and i'm looking for a reason to procrastinate. so i look to my buddy list to see who i can IM to say hello, and i notice a friend from high school online. i start to type, but then realize i have no idea of what to say. do i say hi, just wanted to drop a line to see how you're doing? and thus open myself up to the akwardness of "well, we haven't really spoken spoken in ages now, we've grown apart" and me feeling stupid. my life has gone beyond that little box of marble in which i spent six years--but at the same point, why the hell not drop an IM? not like i'm ever going to see him, right?
but then again, how well did i even know him in high school? how well did he know me? and what does that connection mean now that we're both on different paths in different areas?
so do i or don't i? and why does this feel like such a big decision when it's random and stupid?

and then he puts up an away message with an angry face, thus making it clear that it's a mute point anyway. c'est la vie...

you go through college waiting to be a senior because all the hard work pays off and, while you have the impending doom of graduation and eviction from campus forever, it's supposed to be somewhat less stressful and a ton of fun, right?

whoever first said that was the case was A) on serious, serious drugs or B) was just saying that to fuck with your mind.

DON'T BECOME A SENIOR!!!!

i'm exhausted. i still have two stories to write about for class tomorrow, and i've read them, but my mind will not function. i have written seventy million people (so it seems) about various defender things, i have to call the blasted printer tomorrow, i have to talk to paul, i have to get my shit together for kirk for friday, i have to submit add/drop slip (whoops, day late, they can deal), i have to email the editing staff (and thus find out if i need to write a story this week), and i have to try keeping my sanity.

but i know i'm not alone. best of luck to the my fellow seniors in the quest to maintain one's sanity...

but now, i can't function. i need my bed. it's calling, and i cannot fight it any longer.

today has been a Truly Random Day.

more email from jesse (yay!), but also email from dear ol' laundry, live and in charge in chi-town. some of the random things in life make me pleasantly surprised.

got the job at the f. start saturday.

i've been doing a ridiculous amount of reading for my creative non-fiction writing. i need to spread this out a bit better next time. the shock of the night was that i actually LIKED a hemingway essay. i normally LOATE his work. but i guess i channeled his spirit (the fact that i mixed a screwdriver didn't hurt either).

but i'm exhausted and NEED TO GO TO SLEEP.

i could have predicted this last night.

i woke up late, ran around like a madwoman, parked right in the mccarthy "no parking" zone, ran to st. ed's, raced up the stairs, and was late for sue's media I class. so now i have to wait until the end of class, walk into class, and talk to these writers who really only want to get the hell out of class.

shit shit shit shit shit!

i will continue to listen to his music. i will see a show if he makes it to my area. i'll even go as far as to say i'll venture to boston or northampton for a show if my schedule clearly allows it.

but i will NOT feel bad for missing him over LEAP weekend. i will NOT worry about working my schedule around so i can see him perform. and i will NOT defend him against allegations of diva-ness when my friends poke fun.

nonetheless, tonight was funny as hell. embarrassing as hell, but funny as well. LMAO.

new words i've discovered thanks to london slang (and in case you can't tell, words i want to use from now on!)
"(Sir) Anthony Blunt - Rhyming Slang for 'cunt'.
arseholed - very drunk
arse-over-tit /-elbow - to fall over in a dramatic fashion
banjaxed - meaning drunk or stoned. eg "I feel really banjaxed".
beef bayonet - a playful name for penis."

more to come, i promise you...
and the quote of the night comes from drew with, "maury povich is the luckiest man on earth!" this was in regards to a discussion of women newscasters and their worthiness to masturbate to (to? is that the right choice of words? i think not, but i'm tired and don't feel like dealing). i KNEW there was a reason i was interested in print journalism...could i possibly stare into a camera now and wonder what's going on on the other end?

the random discussions that are just another part of life here at st. michael's...LMAO.

first rehearsal tonight--a read-through at our house. i'm exceptionally excited about it. i'm not going to lie about it, there's something about something as simple as a read-through that made me all giddy--for the first time, i'm actually supposed to be doing some of the reading. kirk is giving us all responsibilities--extra information to check up on and bring to the production process. he's highly recommending that we all read chaos, which i hope to do over the course of the play (as soon as i get my schedule somewhat settled). and my task as chloe is to bring a great understanding of british pop culture to the mix--as if that's not a dream assignment...

i need to write up story ideas tonight for defender (and hold my third meeting with writing for media students tomorrow--8:15 a.m. yeah, need i say more? didn't think so), and read aganemnon (i know the spelling on that is way off--just fucking greek tragedy). i think i'll fall asleep to notting hill tonight. even if kirk doesn't think we're going to use the accents (which, much as i wish we could, i view as a wise decision), i need to surround myself with everything british...more david gray! more hugh grant! more coldplay!!! travis too!

jesse is again in my good graces...email makes me exceptionally happy.

i'm sitting at work, watching the rain falling (all the more interesting because the sky is shining past mccarthy) when rick pops out of his office.

"guess who i just talked to," says he.

"i have no idea," says i.

"jesse," says he. it was about a job recommendation or something.

i've missed him immensely already--i'm trying to get in touch with him...damn "big brother" had better get in touch with me back...

i finally listened to the mp3s of mike olcott i downloaded awhile ago.

very impressive. check him out.

michelle and i both got parts in "arcadia"!!! i'm chloe, and she is jellaby.

revel! revelrevel!

and i've got people interested in the ad manager job and one of the sports boys might just be photo editor after all.

WHOO HOOO!!!!!

bethanie gets the gold star for the day for this picture i just stumbled across.

i'm doing anything possible to ignore this meditation for kirk. in case you couldn't tell.

there's something about opening up a text book for the first time of the semester that takes the novelty of being back at school away immediately. back to the wonderful world of the ancient greeks...

AURGH!!!!

it is so frightening to realize that it has been ten years since nirvana released nevermind.

i spent five hours in a lab today with paul working on programming quark to work more efficiently for the defender staff. we've got it now to a point in which just about any feature the staff could think of for layout--headlines, bylines, text, information boxes, you name it--are customized and available at a simple keystroke. in addition, things like byline, staff writer, and text are all done at once--type in the byline, hit enter, the staff writer font comes up, ready for typing, hit enter again, goes right into text. it's beautiful. and it's remarkably easy--just a matter of sitting down and figuring it out. paul told me that every member of this defender staff and every member of the staff in years to come owes me a beer. :) it made me feel somewhat better about being exec--i've been ridiculously nervous, worried that a potentially stellar staff could run amuck because i'm not a good, fearless leader. now i can hold my head a little higher.

my brother is officially a college student--having moved everything onto the franklin pierce campus today...he was adorable and called me, leaving a voicemail so i know he's doing well and will be fine. :) it disturbs me that my younger brother is in college--it makes me feel old...

i've received a few compliments on my audition last night, which i think was sweet of people to say. while i doubt i'll see my name posted monday, it makes me happy that people thought i didn't suck.

one of the worst feelings in the world is that of opening your mouth and not being able to stop what comes out of it. and then seeing the surprised look on the face of the other person and realizing that whatever justification you had for thinking those word was pure bullshit.

in other news...i'm noticing that some people are finding this via searches for tablature--lately the trend is howie day tablature. that makes me happy...and while i don't have it here (obviously), in case any of you come back, i can say that you should check out hdaee.net, one of the most comprehensive howie fan sites out there. it's where i look up my tabs, tons for howie's original work and covers, as well as a wonderfully designed site with concert info. and if that doesn't tickle your fancy, check out the howie day trading board--there is a special section for musicans with questions about learning howie's music.

that was my good deed for the day, so now i sleep.

i'm looking forward to seeing "serendipity," the upcoming john cusack/kate beckinsdale movie. i adore cusack, beckinsdale's pretty good, and while the plot idea is farfetched, i like the concept. i also felt a warm spot in my heart because "babylon" is the song associated with all of the trailers (although i almost miss the days when not too many people knew about good ol' dg--i don't want him to be overplayed and thus fade away into nothingness...), and i found out that, among other songs, "love song for no one," by dear old john, is also supposed to be on the soundtrack...

so...

callbacks were this evening. i was running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off, so for whatever reason, i wasn't particularly nervous during auditions. i'm sure i'm not going to get a part--people there were really good, but i tried my best dammit, and i'm proud of me for doing that. so whatever. i know i'm not an actress anyway.

other than that, i was supposed to go to franklin pierce tomorrow to help tom move in, but i can't due to defender. aurgh...