I've been running on a parallel track, with the ingrained thoughts that by doing so, by keeping my head focused and doing what I'm supposed to, I'd wind up finding a place where the tracks come together close enough for me to hop onto another one, the one that will branch off and lead me closer to what I want and what I've been striving for.
Funny, how it feels that's been working out. Or not, I should say.
I'm frustrated. Tired. In need of inspiration or communication. Whatever at this point. It doesn't feel as if a supply of either is at all available.
But how do you know when you've reached a breaking point with something that, from all outward appearances, doesn't seem to be broken at all?
10.13.2005
A study in contrasts
Exhibit A. Lead Guitar.
The gum is being snapped and chomped at the same time; a physical feat I can't quite wrap my brain around. My eyes are riveted, watching the jaw that doesn't quite move up and down or side to side. I realize with shock and a little disgust that this must be what watching a cow chew cud must look like.
His left arm flies up and down the neck of a gleaming, candy apple red electric guitar. In truth, it doesn't take much to navigate the series of frets. It's too small. Miniature, almost. It rests against his broad-shouldered, muscular chest and stomach, looking a bit like what the instrument his preteen self must have hunched over for hours at a time in a closed-door bedroom of rockstar fantasies.
The fantasy carries over to the end of songs. Or solos, even. He raises a closed fist and bobs his head as the audience members on his side of the stage howl their approval. It was acceptable the first time. But not the second, third, fourth, fifth...
His shredded, angular hairstyle rests in spikey layers around his face, hinting at long nights rocking and rolling without the benefit of showering. The gray t-shirt and well-worn jeans complete the messy chic attempt. But the highlights and the hair gel gives him away.
A dagger of styled hair begins to bob up and down as he bends back over the guitar for another solo, the gum chomping all the while...
Exhibit B. Bassist.
Flannel shirt. Untucked. Spikey hair and scruffy beard, positioned below striking eyes focusing almost non-stop on the beautiful, six-string electric bass he plays. His fingers fly over the strings during a fierce solo that leaves even my tired, achey head bobbing back and forth. His focus and intensity builds to such a point that it seems he NEEDS to jump up and down a couple of times in order to let some of it out. He's quiet. He smiles occasionally at the crowd, but otherwise lets his instrument, his sound do the talking. And, when you're not trying to analyze the gum chewing on the other side of the stage, he's the one your eyes are drawn to. 'Cause you can tell that he's the closest thing to badass this band has got.
*****
At 24 and nearly 49/52 years old, I realized that I felt old. Fucking old. What-the-hell-happened kind of old.
I wasn't a fan.
I stood in Higher Ground, waiting for Blues Traveler or the opening band to take the stage. Doors at 7, show to start at 8 and we got there at about 8:15. It was 9:02 and the house lights had yet to dim for anything.
If there's one thing that irks me about live performance, it's starting late. Or, I should say, excessively late. We've been standing around. We're excited, but we want to save our energy for the dancing, Dear Band. A few minutes is one thing. An hour is absurd.
But it turns out there is no opener - Popper and the rest of the guys take the stage, smile and make reference back to the early 90s - which is, I believe, the last time they were in our part of the world. They launch into the sound and I try to dance and get excited about it...
...and I realize that I'm not digging it. The college kids behind me, the ones who made me burst into laughter as they discussed "The Last Dispatch" being the greatest musical event they'd ever attended, are flailing around. The older people in front of me keep backing into me. A man with a beard and backwards black felt newsboy cap has pushed up through our part of the crowd and appears to be having a seizure. Which would fit, considering that the harmonica notes are so high that they feel as if they're piercing my eardrums and every one of Popper's solos sounds exactly like the solo from "Runaround." Out of place compared to the rest of the loud (loud LOUD) sounds coming from the rest of the band.
It's too much, and I'm having a hard time finding any thread of consistency. I want to be able to find a rhythm, a melody to follow. It's not happening.
I wind up leaving early - about halfway through the set. I'm glad that I saw the band, that I can cross it off my "List of Bands I Should Have Seen Before But For Whatever Reason Didn't." And I think that maybe, given different circumstances, I'd check them out again (read: outdoor performance). But I'm not feeling enough of a pull toward the stage to keep me here.
I tell Beth that I'm going to get some air and that, if she doesn't find me after the show, I'll just meet her and Chuck (who had driven in and met us) at home.
After a few gulps of air, I give it about another twenty minutes.
Then I head home.
*****
Speaking of less than ideal shows...I'm amazed by the number of glowing reviews I've seen in regards to the Mraz show at the Orpheum.
It wasn't that it was a BAD show. By any means. A "Mr. A-Z" heavy show does not necessarily a bad show make - after all, I did enjoy myself in Montreal on Thursday (I had a blast in Montreal, actually).
On Sunday, he and Toca teamed up for "After An Afternoon" (read: sigh. Love that song). "I'm Yours" was featured with the trio-turned-quartet. "Mr. Curiosity" and "Plane" remain the two songs on the new album I really enjoy.
But here's the catch. I don't enjoy phoned-in performances. By anyone. Let alone someone whose past shows have grabbed my attention and left me riveted throughout the sets. Not to mention someone I described the night before, explaining that seeing him live was what really proved how dynamic he is.
The band? I enjoy 'em. Seems like a collection of good and great guys.
But they've been positioned on stage around and behind the title musician. And if the spotlight's on the guy in the center, who's so big on conveying that he's a Real Kind of Guy, he's got to be up for the challenge.
The gum is being snapped and chomped at the same time; a physical feat I can't quite wrap my brain around. My eyes are riveted, watching the jaw that doesn't quite move up and down or side to side. I realize with shock and a little disgust that this must be what watching a cow chew cud must look like.
His left arm flies up and down the neck of a gleaming, candy apple red electric guitar. In truth, it doesn't take much to navigate the series of frets. It's too small. Miniature, almost. It rests against his broad-shouldered, muscular chest and stomach, looking a bit like what the instrument his preteen self must have hunched over for hours at a time in a closed-door bedroom of rockstar fantasies.
The fantasy carries over to the end of songs. Or solos, even. He raises a closed fist and bobs his head as the audience members on his side of the stage howl their approval. It was acceptable the first time. But not the second, third, fourth, fifth...
His shredded, angular hairstyle rests in spikey layers around his face, hinting at long nights rocking and rolling without the benefit of showering. The gray t-shirt and well-worn jeans complete the messy chic attempt. But the highlights and the hair gel gives him away.
A dagger of styled hair begins to bob up and down as he bends back over the guitar for another solo, the gum chomping all the while...
Exhibit B. Bassist.
Flannel shirt. Untucked. Spikey hair and scruffy beard, positioned below striking eyes focusing almost non-stop on the beautiful, six-string electric bass he plays. His fingers fly over the strings during a fierce solo that leaves even my tired, achey head bobbing back and forth. His focus and intensity builds to such a point that it seems he NEEDS to jump up and down a couple of times in order to let some of it out. He's quiet. He smiles occasionally at the crowd, but otherwise lets his instrument, his sound do the talking. And, when you're not trying to analyze the gum chewing on the other side of the stage, he's the one your eyes are drawn to. 'Cause you can tell that he's the closest thing to badass this band has got.
*****
At 24 and nearly 49/52 years old, I realized that I felt old. Fucking old. What-the-hell-happened kind of old.
I wasn't a fan.
I stood in Higher Ground, waiting for Blues Traveler or the opening band to take the stage. Doors at 7, show to start at 8 and we got there at about 8:15. It was 9:02 and the house lights had yet to dim for anything.
If there's one thing that irks me about live performance, it's starting late. Or, I should say, excessively late. We've been standing around. We're excited, but we want to save our energy for the dancing, Dear Band. A few minutes is one thing. An hour is absurd.
But it turns out there is no opener - Popper and the rest of the guys take the stage, smile and make reference back to the early 90s - which is, I believe, the last time they were in our part of the world. They launch into the sound and I try to dance and get excited about it...
...and I realize that I'm not digging it. The college kids behind me, the ones who made me burst into laughter as they discussed "The Last Dispatch" being the greatest musical event they'd ever attended, are flailing around. The older people in front of me keep backing into me. A man with a beard and backwards black felt newsboy cap has pushed up through our part of the crowd and appears to be having a seizure. Which would fit, considering that the harmonica notes are so high that they feel as if they're piercing my eardrums and every one of Popper's solos sounds exactly like the solo from "Runaround." Out of place compared to the rest of the loud (loud LOUD) sounds coming from the rest of the band.
It's too much, and I'm having a hard time finding any thread of consistency. I want to be able to find a rhythm, a melody to follow. It's not happening.
I wind up leaving early - about halfway through the set. I'm glad that I saw the band, that I can cross it off my "List of Bands I Should Have Seen Before But For Whatever Reason Didn't." And I think that maybe, given different circumstances, I'd check them out again (read: outdoor performance). But I'm not feeling enough of a pull toward the stage to keep me here.
I tell Beth that I'm going to get some air and that, if she doesn't find me after the show, I'll just meet her and Chuck (who had driven in and met us) at home.
After a few gulps of air, I give it about another twenty minutes.
Then I head home.
*****
Speaking of less than ideal shows...I'm amazed by the number of glowing reviews I've seen in regards to the Mraz show at the Orpheum.
It wasn't that it was a BAD show. By any means. A "Mr. A-Z" heavy show does not necessarily a bad show make - after all, I did enjoy myself in Montreal on Thursday (I had a blast in Montreal, actually).
On Sunday, he and Toca teamed up for "After An Afternoon" (read: sigh. Love that song). "I'm Yours" was featured with the trio-turned-quartet. "Mr. Curiosity" and "Plane" remain the two songs on the new album I really enjoy.
But here's the catch. I don't enjoy phoned-in performances. By anyone. Let alone someone whose past shows have grabbed my attention and left me riveted throughout the sets. Not to mention someone I described the night before, explaining that seeing him live was what really proved how dynamic he is.
The band? I enjoy 'em. Seems like a collection of good and great guys.
But they've been positioned on stage around and behind the title musician. And if the spotlight's on the guy in the center, who's so big on conveying that he's a Real Kind of Guy, he's got to be up for the challenge.
10.12.2005
Unapologetic
I'm not sorry that I embrace things. That I'm idealistic. That I have a fanciful imagination and I'm prone to daydreams. That I wrap a subject, the idea of a person, or a hope around me and let it affect my day to day life. That I burst into laughter. That I bristle up when you interrupt me. That I play music on my computer. That I have to Tivo a lot of television and catch up with it when I have time. That I cringe when I hear you whispering without consideration that I'm in the room. That I can curse like a sailor or burst into song at a moment's notice. That I twitter about full of stories after I've been away, and that I'm always talking about the next big show I can't wait to go to.
I'm young. I'm only 24. I have no desire to act as if I'm going on 45. I have neither the benefits nor constraints of a relationship with a signficant other. I flirt. I have crushes. I overanalyze flirtation with crushes. And yes, sometimes I giggle. Other times I seem pathetic. Sometimes bold. I know you've heard names a thousand times. I know you've heard snippets of stories on countless occasions. I know you roll your eyes.
But I'm not going to feel the giddiness drain out of me as I'm trying to share my excitement. I'm not curling up in the far corner to just write into my notebook. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm the reckless, exasperating one.
I write a monthly check too.
So deal with it.
I'm young. I'm only 24. I have no desire to act as if I'm going on 45. I have neither the benefits nor constraints of a relationship with a signficant other. I flirt. I have crushes. I overanalyze flirtation with crushes. And yes, sometimes I giggle. Other times I seem pathetic. Sometimes bold. I know you've heard names a thousand times. I know you've heard snippets of stories on countless occasions. I know you roll your eyes.
But I'm not going to feel the giddiness drain out of me as I'm trying to share my excitement. I'm not curling up in the far corner to just write into my notebook. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm the reckless, exasperating one.
I write a monthly check too.
So deal with it.
10.11.2005
I honestly think I could come up with some quality writing, were I to have an opportunity to wake up, sip some orange juice and settle down for a good, multi-hour chunk of Writing Time.
Which is why I'm already looking forward to the weekend.
I'm not going anywhere (at least, nowhere requiring a turn onto 93) this weekend. Next week? Well, yes. The "Matt Nathanson and the Sexiness" food drive extravaganza. Otherwise known as Would The Paradise Mistake Me For a Paid Employee extravaganza.
But this weekend? If anything random is going to happen, by God, it's coming TO ME. Otherwise, you'll catch me writing, taking foliage photographs and maybe, if I'm feeling truly badass, treking over to Waterbury for some Cold Hollow action.
My favorite place in the autumn, although I haven't been there in a couple of years. You step out of your car and immediately smell the apples and cinammon. Purr-worthy.
I've had a number of various little bits of stories - a random line here, a general thought there - running through my head the last couple of days, but I'm still trying to get back to a normal sleep schedule, let alone come up with something coherent. I dozed for a couple of hours early Monday morning before climbing back into the car for the trip home. I curled up under covers at quarter to ten last night and didn't wake up until nine.
I've about a week before any extra road trips, and only one concert between now and then (Blues Traveler tomorrow).
And I realized, just now, that this post makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just end it now.
Which is why I'm already looking forward to the weekend.
I'm not going anywhere (at least, nowhere requiring a turn onto 93) this weekend. Next week? Well, yes. The "Matt Nathanson and the Sexiness" food drive extravaganza. Otherwise known as Would The Paradise Mistake Me For a Paid Employee extravaganza.
But this weekend? If anything random is going to happen, by God, it's coming TO ME. Otherwise, you'll catch me writing, taking foliage photographs and maybe, if I'm feeling truly badass, treking over to Waterbury for some Cold Hollow action.
My favorite place in the autumn, although I haven't been there in a couple of years. You step out of your car and immediately smell the apples and cinammon. Purr-worthy.
I've had a number of various little bits of stories - a random line here, a general thought there - running through my head the last couple of days, but I'm still trying to get back to a normal sleep schedule, let alone come up with something coherent. I dozed for a couple of hours early Monday morning before climbing back into the car for the trip home. I curled up under covers at quarter to ten last night and didn't wake up until nine.
I've about a week before any extra road trips, and only one concert between now and then (Blues Traveler tomorrow).
And I realized, just now, that this post makes absolutely no sense. So I'll just end it now.
10.10.2005
Windows. Soul. Yeah. Yeah.
Hi.
Happy Monday.
How are you?
I'm working on a piece about music. I know, big surprise.
But I want to know what you think.
So here goes.
What is your favorite song?
Why is that your favorite and how does it make you feel when you listen to it?
I'll be collecting responses today, with the piece likely to come tomorrow.
So help a girl out.
Get your comments on.
Merci.
------
It's a sign of the friendship we've formed: I pride myself on keeping something under wraps, Michelle calls me on it.
There were four of us sipping cocktails out of martini glasses in a restaurant across the street from the Common. We'd finished our shared appetizer and were awaiting our meals, having already decided to bypass the first opening act and take time with our dinners.
The conversation had briefly broken into two sets - K and L, M and I. She smiled as she looked at me from across the table.
"You have a hard time with that, maintaining eye contact."
Of course, I quickly looked away. Go me. I own.
"I don't know why," I began, forcing myself to look directly into her eyes. "I suppose it's partly because I'm always looking down at a notebook or something when I talk -"
"You've ALWAYS had a hard time with it."
Damn you, woman.
As the topic of eye contact connections spread to the rest of the table, I goodnaturedly cursed myself. It is one of my weaknesses, this is very true. And, just as she said, it's been that way for a long time.
I tend to keep pretty guarded, particularly when in the company of someone whose opinion matters to me. I keep quiet, I keep things in. I'm getting better at it - or, at least, I'm trying to be. I realize it's a sort of warped reverse psychology - I don't share as much with the people with whom I want to share something, but have no problem communicating with people who at that point don't matter.
But my eyes don't lie. I have no poker face. If someone looks me in the eye and I maintain that gaze, I worry that they will see everything, right there within the blue.
And what if I don't want to give that much away? Or, more accurately, what if I'm worried that I'll wind up revealing something during the stare and I don't see anything in the eyes looking back?
Happy Monday.
How are you?
I'm working on a piece about music. I know, big surprise.
But I want to know what you think.
So here goes.
What is your favorite song?
Why is that your favorite and how does it make you feel when you listen to it?
I'll be collecting responses today, with the piece likely to come tomorrow.
So help a girl out.
Get your comments on.
Merci.
------
It's a sign of the friendship we've formed: I pride myself on keeping something under wraps, Michelle calls me on it.
There were four of us sipping cocktails out of martini glasses in a restaurant across the street from the Common. We'd finished our shared appetizer and were awaiting our meals, having already decided to bypass the first opening act and take time with our dinners.
The conversation had briefly broken into two sets - K and L, M and I. She smiled as she looked at me from across the table.
"You have a hard time with that, maintaining eye contact."
Of course, I quickly looked away. Go me. I own.
"I don't know why," I began, forcing myself to look directly into her eyes. "I suppose it's partly because I'm always looking down at a notebook or something when I talk -"
"You've ALWAYS had a hard time with it."
Damn you, woman.
As the topic of eye contact connections spread to the rest of the table, I goodnaturedly cursed myself. It is one of my weaknesses, this is very true. And, just as she said, it's been that way for a long time.
I tend to keep pretty guarded, particularly when in the company of someone whose opinion matters to me. I keep quiet, I keep things in. I'm getting better at it - or, at least, I'm trying to be. I realize it's a sort of warped reverse psychology - I don't share as much with the people with whom I want to share something, but have no problem communicating with people who at that point don't matter.
But my eyes don't lie. I have no poker face. If someone looks me in the eye and I maintain that gaze, I worry that they will see everything, right there within the blue.
And what if I don't want to give that much away? Or, more accurately, what if I'm worried that I'll wind up revealing something during the stare and I don't see anything in the eyes looking back?
10.07.2005
Just sayin'
This might be one to go down as one of the worst pickup lines in history.
"So the two men over there? They are, how do you say it? They are gay. I needed someone to talk to. So how are you?"
Oh, Montreal. Crazy, quirky Montreal. You and your shows and your characters and your U-turns and your blocked off roads. You try to outwit me each time, fair Montreal. And you almost got me this time.
And thus one of the most bizarre days shifted into one wacky kind of evening.
Montreal. Oh you.
"So the two men over there? They are, how do you say it? They are gay. I needed someone to talk to. So how are you?"
Oh, Montreal. Crazy, quirky Montreal. You and your shows and your characters and your U-turns and your blocked off roads. You try to outwit me each time, fair Montreal. And you almost got me this time.
And thus one of the most bizarre days shifted into one wacky kind of evening.
Montreal. Oh you.
10.06.2005
Mr. Alphabet
I'm stepping between cracks on the sidewalk, not giving black cats opportunity to cross my path and fully intend to cross the street entirely should I see a ladder propped against a wall ahead of me.
I'm supposed to see Jason Mraz and his band of merry musical troubadors this evening, and I'm not taking any chances. The Streak will not be reinstanted. Nosiree.
Having seen Jason or Jason/Band three times - well, more like two and a quarter* - I feel pretty confident that I won't stumble into some form of obstacle that will stop me from attending the show in Montreal. But relaxing too much, it feels, would serve as a preventative measure.
I went through what could have been 10-12 shows during early, mid and late 2003 without actually hearing Jason perform live. There was illness. There were a couple of ticket snafus. There was the annoying realization that I was in one place, and Jason was performing precisely where I had just been. And, later, vice versa.
The night before I finally caught my first show (Calvin Theatre, Northampton, 10.9.03, for those curious or otherwise remember dates to silly things like I do), I fell on a wet floor and was scared to try standing up, for fear that I had hurt myself.
Was I worried about the possibility of a cast or crutch? No. I was pissed off because I could be missing a show. Again.
This time, I lack the giddiness about going. I'm not sure if it's that I haven't fully realized I'll be attending a show or the fear that he'll just continue playing tracks off "Mr. A-Z." I know I'll have a good time once I get there...I'm just not quite at the excited stage yet.
I know. Uncharacteristic of me. C'est la vie.
So. Late this afternoon, I pick up my concert-going cronies (including B, who has never before seen The Jason live) and head to the border.
If I get stopped at customs, I blame him.
*The Today Show can't fully count as a performance. Hence the quarter.
I'm supposed to see Jason Mraz and his band of merry musical troubadors this evening, and I'm not taking any chances. The Streak will not be reinstanted. Nosiree.
Having seen Jason or Jason/Band three times - well, more like two and a quarter* - I feel pretty confident that I won't stumble into some form of obstacle that will stop me from attending the show in Montreal. But relaxing too much, it feels, would serve as a preventative measure.
I went through what could have been 10-12 shows during early, mid and late 2003 without actually hearing Jason perform live. There was illness. There were a couple of ticket snafus. There was the annoying realization that I was in one place, and Jason was performing precisely where I had just been. And, later, vice versa.
The night before I finally caught my first show (Calvin Theatre, Northampton, 10.9.03, for those curious or otherwise remember dates to silly things like I do), I fell on a wet floor and was scared to try standing up, for fear that I had hurt myself.
Was I worried about the possibility of a cast or crutch? No. I was pissed off because I could be missing a show. Again.
This time, I lack the giddiness about going. I'm not sure if it's that I haven't fully realized I'll be attending a show or the fear that he'll just continue playing tracks off "Mr. A-Z." I know I'll have a good time once I get there...I'm just not quite at the excited stage yet.
I know. Uncharacteristic of me. C'est la vie.
So. Late this afternoon, I pick up my concert-going cronies (including B, who has never before seen The Jason live) and head to the border.
If I get stopped at customs, I blame him.
*The Today Show can't fully count as a performance. Hence the quarter.
10.05.2005
mi casa in el medio de la calle
Houses flanked the road. Giant, architect portfolio kinds of houses - composed of large picture windows, brick facades and carefully designed gables.
I couldn't help but take my eyes off the road as I drove past. They were impressive, I'd give them that. I imagined picture perfect living rooms painted a dark forest green with cherry wood accents. Kitchens with the marble islands in place, white-framed windows that provided views of the mountainscape as Mrs. Joe Public squeezed fresh orange juice into a pitcher ordered from Williams-Sonoma.
I realized that these are houses that friends of mine, people my age, are aspiring to. And then I realized that I wasn't a house kind of girl. At least, not like this.
Frankly, these houses intimidate me. I'm sure that they are much-loved, that they radiate warmth and comfort to the guests who step across the welcome mat. But they just seem so final, so set. So This Is Your Life.
I'd rather have a little nook to fill than an ought-to-be mansion.
I couldn't help but take my eyes off the road as I drove past. They were impressive, I'd give them that. I imagined picture perfect living rooms painted a dark forest green with cherry wood accents. Kitchens with the marble islands in place, white-framed windows that provided views of the mountainscape as Mrs. Joe Public squeezed fresh orange juice into a pitcher ordered from Williams-Sonoma.
I realized that these are houses that friends of mine, people my age, are aspiring to. And then I realized that I wasn't a house kind of girl. At least, not like this.
Frankly, these houses intimidate me. I'm sure that they are much-loved, that they radiate warmth and comfort to the guests who step across the welcome mat. But they just seem so final, so set. So This Is Your Life.
I'd rather have a little nook to fill than an ought-to-be mansion.
The sun is dazzling, and you can clearly see people gravitating toward windows and open doors. There are a number of "quick, five-minute breaks" being taken in offices around the downtown. Stepping-out suits mix with skipping-class jeans to form a throng of people on the pedestrian streets.
How do I know? I, um, just needed to step out for a moment or two.
We all know that this is the last gasp of an Indian summer. The leaves are getting too ripe, the sunsets are coming too early for this to last.
We love the autumn. It's one of the main reasons we haven't upped and gone to California. We adore the apple cider, the haunted forests, the sound of feet SWOOSHing through the piles of leaves and the way the sky looks that much bluer.
It's a setup. A brilliant, gasp-inducing setup. And much as we fall in love with autumn each year, we know what follows close on the season's heels.
And we know that we don't like it one bit.
How do I know? I, um, just needed to step out for a moment or two.
We all know that this is the last gasp of an Indian summer. The leaves are getting too ripe, the sunsets are coming too early for this to last.
We love the autumn. It's one of the main reasons we haven't upped and gone to California. We adore the apple cider, the haunted forests, the sound of feet SWOOSHing through the piles of leaves and the way the sky looks that much bluer.
It's a setup. A brilliant, gasp-inducing setup. And much as we fall in love with autumn each year, we know what follows close on the season's heels.
And we know that we don't like it one bit.
10.04.2005
Confessions of an unsuccessful mindreader
It's a given.
It's a Tuesday afternoon. Somewhere there are people who like me. There are people who are angry with me. Intrigued, disappointed, amused, frustrated and, if things are seriously wacky, who knows? Maybe there's a someone or two who is a little bit enchanted by me.
It's the same on any given day, due to any number of varying circumstances. The way things work.
Normally, I have at least an inkling as to which categories people fall under. Yet it feels today as if all bets are off.
I've no clue.
I'm of course sure that this works both ways, and that there are people who scratch their heads on different days, trying to figure me out, what goes on inside my mind when their names come up in my everyday thoughts.
Why do we insist on making this so difficult?
Various thoughts came to mind this weekend, few of which actually came out of my mouth. You're disappointing me...I like you...This is what I want to do...You make me smile...I'm tired...I think I'll just wait outside instead...I want to know what you're thinking.
I kept the thoughts to myself. In some cases, it was because of cowardice; in others, I didn't want to cause a scene or tarnish any of the experiences my friends were having. In almost every instance, I kept my mouth shut to make things better.
But sometimes that inadvertently makes things worse. Unnecessary complication instigated by an attempt to keep it simple.
And, likewise, I realized how much others were doing the same. What their reasons were remains unknown.
So have I learned a lesson? Will I endeavor to be upfront and clear? Will I tell people what I'm thinking of them when I'm thinking it?
If you give it a shot, I'll do the same.
Let's rework the way things work.
-----
In other news. Flickr. Photos. Fenway. Funny faces.
The alliteration slays me. Feel free to check out the adventures. Click on the photo below to go to the rest of the set.
It's a Tuesday afternoon. Somewhere there are people who like me. There are people who are angry with me. Intrigued, disappointed, amused, frustrated and, if things are seriously wacky, who knows? Maybe there's a someone or two who is a little bit enchanted by me.
It's the same on any given day, due to any number of varying circumstances. The way things work.
Normally, I have at least an inkling as to which categories people fall under. Yet it feels today as if all bets are off.
I've no clue.
I'm of course sure that this works both ways, and that there are people who scratch their heads on different days, trying to figure me out, what goes on inside my mind when their names come up in my everyday thoughts.
Why do we insist on making this so difficult?
Various thoughts came to mind this weekend, few of which actually came out of my mouth. You're disappointing me...I like you...This is what I want to do...You make me smile...I'm tired...I think I'll just wait outside instead...I want to know what you're thinking.
I kept the thoughts to myself. In some cases, it was because of cowardice; in others, I didn't want to cause a scene or tarnish any of the experiences my friends were having. In almost every instance, I kept my mouth shut to make things better.
But sometimes that inadvertently makes things worse. Unnecessary complication instigated by an attempt to keep it simple.
And, likewise, I realized how much others were doing the same. What their reasons were remains unknown.
So have I learned a lesson? Will I endeavor to be upfront and clear? Will I tell people what I'm thinking of them when I'm thinking it?
If you give it a shot, I'll do the same.
Let's rework the way things work.
-----
In other news. Flickr. Photos. Fenway. Funny faces.
The alliteration slays me. Feel free to check out the adventures. Click on the photo below to go to the rest of the set.
The hardest words for me to say
You're standing to my right. Our arms - your left, my right - periodically brush each other as we carry on conversations with others. We're standing closer to each other than we really need to.
Yes, it's crowded, but either of could create a bit of breathing room if we wanted.
We each hold a bottle of Red Stripe. We've had them since I asked if you'd like a drink and you said yes with a smile. What did you want? Whatever I was having. Yes, Red Stripe sounded great.
You missed the huge grin I had to repress before placing the order at the bar.
Two, please.
I'm sipping, staring at the band performing ahead while taking quick glances at you from the corner of my eye. You have a focused smile on your face, and you're ever-so-slightly nodding your head in time to the percussion beat. We've been alternating between the performance on stage before us and the baseball game broadcast on the television behind.
When I switch from one to the other, you've followed shortly thereafter. And vice versa. And so it is this time.
You place your hand on my back to get my attention and keep it there as you lean over to speak into my ear. I tuck a strand of hair behind the other ear and smile as you mention your goodnatured frustration with the home team. We enjoy a shared commiseration that has been established long before, but it leads into laughter and witty exchange. And then we switch back to watch the stage.
Where is the pause button when I need it?
I want to stay here like this. I want to keep you to my right, wearing the green and orange track jacket that compliments the brown in your eyes. I want to continute to feel your elbow brush against my arm, and I want to maintain the playful banter that brings with it the pokes and the hands on backs and the titled head looks.
But I want to fill the gaps in the story with our subtexts. I want to tell you how happy I am to be standing by your side, drinking Jamacian beer and leaning over to speak to you in a loud room. I want to tell you that I like you.
I like you. Simple enough expression. Three of the hardest words for me to say.
Instead, I'm focusing on the moment. The arm brushes. The fact that you're standing here, with me, and not with whoever else you know in this room.
I raise my arm to take another sip. You do the same. We jostle elbows and we both smile.
Yes, it's crowded, but either of could create a bit of breathing room if we wanted.
We each hold a bottle of Red Stripe. We've had them since I asked if you'd like a drink and you said yes with a smile. What did you want? Whatever I was having. Yes, Red Stripe sounded great.
You missed the huge grin I had to repress before placing the order at the bar.
Two, please.
I'm sipping, staring at the band performing ahead while taking quick glances at you from the corner of my eye. You have a focused smile on your face, and you're ever-so-slightly nodding your head in time to the percussion beat. We've been alternating between the performance on stage before us and the baseball game broadcast on the television behind.
When I switch from one to the other, you've followed shortly thereafter. And vice versa. And so it is this time.
You place your hand on my back to get my attention and keep it there as you lean over to speak into my ear. I tuck a strand of hair behind the other ear and smile as you mention your goodnatured frustration with the home team. We enjoy a shared commiseration that has been established long before, but it leads into laughter and witty exchange. And then we switch back to watch the stage.
Where is the pause button when I need it?
I want to stay here like this. I want to keep you to my right, wearing the green and orange track jacket that compliments the brown in your eyes. I want to continute to feel your elbow brush against my arm, and I want to maintain the playful banter that brings with it the pokes and the hands on backs and the titled head looks.
But I want to fill the gaps in the story with our subtexts. I want to tell you how happy I am to be standing by your side, drinking Jamacian beer and leaning over to speak to you in a loud room. I want to tell you that I like you.
I like you. Simple enough expression. Three of the hardest words for me to say.
Instead, I'm focusing on the moment. The arm brushes. The fact that you're standing here, with me, and not with whoever else you know in this room.
I raise my arm to take another sip. You do the same. We jostle elbows and we both smile.
10.03.2005
Dispatches from various shores
Oh, come on. It's a matter of maintaining a promise made months ago. And I for one am not keen on being known as a promise-breaker.
Which is why I've unexpectedly extended my latest foray to Massachusetts. The Red Sox rally is being held at Fenway in the morning, and I am fulfilling the vow I made after Boston won last year's World Series.
I was there for the first rally and they won. If there was cause for a second rally come fall 2005, I would be back in the ballpark, among the crazies willing to sit in a park with no players, no game to be played.
Just at Fenway because you have a chance to sit in seats you'd never normally be able to occupy, celebrating the completion of one part of a championship quest.
We're a superstitious bunch, Sox fans (for an example see: my mother's refusal to attend Friday night's Sox-Yankees game - which turned out to be incredible - because she can't even watch the matchup for fear of jinxing it). And if I didn't go to the rally and the Sox lost?
I'd expect to see a couple of fingers pointing in my direction.
----
You almost want to hug the people who are making the space so loud that you need to lean in to hear the other half of the conversation you're trying to carry on.
A casually turned head, ear waiting to take in the sound of the voice and the amusing banter you're exchanging. It looks completely normal, nothing out of the ordinary. You do this all the time.
But inside? You're listening, you're communicating, but you're also trilling at the close proximity.
If I just turned, I could...no, stop thinking that! You're talking here! Oh, sound witty. Don't make an ass of yourself. Be cool...So close...I wonder what's going through that mind...good God I'm a dork...But I wonder...oh, this is fun. I hate this. Oh, no I don't.
---
October air is supposed to be cool. Crisp. Ripe for sweaters or sweatshirts, or at least a long-sleeved shirt.
I leaned against the wall, painted the fabled faded green I'd learned to love. Activity bustled on the street just over the other side of the thick partition, and Johnny Damon stood directly ahead of me - save the 28 rows of seats between us. The view was incredible, the championship banner billowed in the breeze from its place to my right...
And I was broiling. A let's-get-that-soft-serve-now-and-pick-up-a-bottled-water-for-later kind of heat that seemed more fitting for the July game against Toronto than this regular season finale against New York.
Not that I was going to complain. The view was incredible, a group of Yankees and Red Sox fans were giving each other a hard time a few rows ahead of me, and Beth had recently recorded potentially incriminating video footage of me singing along to the recording of "Perfect Time of Day" as it was piped in through the speakers.
Howie Day at Fenway. Weird.
I'd never attended a Yankees-Sox game before, and I found myself oddly quiet for much of it - largely due to the fact that my usual cursing might be frowned upon, given the presence of Charles' little (read: young) brother. But the boos received by Jeter, A-Rod and Matsui were as loud as I'd (admittedly) hoped they would be and the bleachers ticketholders were as lively a crowd as I'd remembered them from games of my youth.
I could feel the sunburn developing and my water bottle's liquid level was lowering rapidly. I was taking calls with the update from the Pats game while relaying the Sox score, and the relief of hearing about Cleveland's defeat let us sit back and relax as the score climbed higher. Surreal? You bet.
---
Let's say you hear a band that intrigues you. Good sound, catchy lyrics, impressive production. It's a promising start, I might think to myself. But I always have to hold off judgment until I see the band live.
Sometimes it doesn't live up to what you'd hoped. You walk away realizing you'll just have to listen to the album and leave it at that.
But when it clicks? Standing in a club, listening to the sound and moving your head back and forth, a giddy little flutter starts in your stomach and moves out from there.
There's a reason why people say they fall in love with a band. In many cases, there's no rhyme or reason to it - and two people can walk away with two very different takes on the band they just saw. It moves one, it leaves the other cold.
But I've been playing Speechwriters LLC on repeat since Friday night's venture to the Paradise Lounge. And feeling that giddy flutter continue to spread. They'll be back at the Lounge in October, during the weekend of Matty and Ryan - which means I'll be ready to submit a timesheet to the club management. Matt on Wednesday and Thursday. SLLC on Friday. Ryan Saturday.
And me? I'll know whether there can be too much of a good thing.
---
Well, it's 4 a.m., the paper boy's at it again...
We're singing along to the familiar song, rounding the corner of 93 that reveals the Boston skyline. We know the little vocal flourishes, and we add them accordingly, reveling in the fact that this is the first time we've heard the song played on the radio.
There's always that doubletake that comes somewhere right before the chorus. Wait. I KNOW this. Sure, my friends know this, but other people do? Enough to play it on the radio? When did this happen?
Trizzy P on the radio. Well done. We clapped and cheered as the final "love, love, love" trailed off into the next song. So proud.
---
"I know where I am, I just don't know how to get to where I want to be!"
Tom's laughing into the phone. I just dropped a friend off at Northeastern, and I'm trying to make my way to Commonwealth. I know Mass Ave. is a couple of turns on a seemingly one-way road behind me. I know exactly where I am.
I just can't get there from here. And it's pissing me off.
I've pretty good navigational skills. For the most part - once I've been somewhere, once I've driven the route, I've got it down. But add a new location or an unexpected turn and I'm a lost cause.
My familiarity with Boston grows in leaps each time I visit, and I take pride in my ability to get around.
But somehow, that turn off 93 onto Storrow that should have gotten me to Mass Ave. landed me on Cambridge, driving past City Hall. And I had no clue of how the hell to get anywhere.
"OK. I'm just going to keep you on the line, if that's cool." I'd already called Tom three times. He was laughing at me. Bastard.
"No worries. Now you should be at -"
"No. I'm not. Red light. So, um, how are you?"
He led me on a route by parks and bridges, past buildings I remembered walking by during the April trip back from Fenway. Each new turn left me more frustrated.
"I know where I am!"
"Want me to let you get there?"
"NOOOOOO. Sorry. OK. Now what?"
As I turned onto Commonwealth, I cheered.
"I LOVE YOU!"
"Look familiar?"
"If this doesn't, I've got huge problems. I know exactly where I am. I'm buying you lunch or something."
"Sounds good."
As I pulled into the parking lot, my phone rang. Michelle. I laughed over the misadventures as she launched into the game play-by-play until I reached the projected screen visible through the windows at T's...
---
Weekend synopsis, as it stands: Random. Random. Random. But in a good way, for the most part. With visits to the North Shore, the South Shore and the city in between, it's been fun, alternately exhilerating and languid. There are photographs to be posted, stories to laugh over when I've the time and just a few wrinkles in the plans.
Here's to extending it all by one more day.
Which is why I've unexpectedly extended my latest foray to Massachusetts. The Red Sox rally is being held at Fenway in the morning, and I am fulfilling the vow I made after Boston won last year's World Series.
I was there for the first rally and they won. If there was cause for a second rally come fall 2005, I would be back in the ballpark, among the crazies willing to sit in a park with no players, no game to be played.
Just at Fenway because you have a chance to sit in seats you'd never normally be able to occupy, celebrating the completion of one part of a championship quest.
We're a superstitious bunch, Sox fans (for an example see: my mother's refusal to attend Friday night's Sox-Yankees game - which turned out to be incredible - because she can't even watch the matchup for fear of jinxing it). And if I didn't go to the rally and the Sox lost?
I'd expect to see a couple of fingers pointing in my direction.
----
You almost want to hug the people who are making the space so loud that you need to lean in to hear the other half of the conversation you're trying to carry on.
A casually turned head, ear waiting to take in the sound of the voice and the amusing banter you're exchanging. It looks completely normal, nothing out of the ordinary. You do this all the time.
But inside? You're listening, you're communicating, but you're also trilling at the close proximity.
If I just turned, I could...no, stop thinking that! You're talking here! Oh, sound witty. Don't make an ass of yourself. Be cool...So close...I wonder what's going through that mind...good God I'm a dork...But I wonder...oh, this is fun. I hate this. Oh, no I don't.
---
October air is supposed to be cool. Crisp. Ripe for sweaters or sweatshirts, or at least a long-sleeved shirt.
I leaned against the wall, painted the fabled faded green I'd learned to love. Activity bustled on the street just over the other side of the thick partition, and Johnny Damon stood directly ahead of me - save the 28 rows of seats between us. The view was incredible, the championship banner billowed in the breeze from its place to my right...
And I was broiling. A let's-get-that-soft-serve-now-and-pick-up-a-bottled-water-for-later kind of heat that seemed more fitting for the July game against Toronto than this regular season finale against New York.
Not that I was going to complain. The view was incredible, a group of Yankees and Red Sox fans were giving each other a hard time a few rows ahead of me, and Beth had recently recorded potentially incriminating video footage of me singing along to the recording of "Perfect Time of Day" as it was piped in through the speakers.
Howie Day at Fenway. Weird.
I'd never attended a Yankees-Sox game before, and I found myself oddly quiet for much of it - largely due to the fact that my usual cursing might be frowned upon, given the presence of Charles' little (read: young) brother. But the boos received by Jeter, A-Rod and Matsui were as loud as I'd (admittedly) hoped they would be and the bleachers ticketholders were as lively a crowd as I'd remembered them from games of my youth.
I could feel the sunburn developing and my water bottle's liquid level was lowering rapidly. I was taking calls with the update from the Pats game while relaying the Sox score, and the relief of hearing about Cleveland's defeat let us sit back and relax as the score climbed higher. Surreal? You bet.
---
Let's say you hear a band that intrigues you. Good sound, catchy lyrics, impressive production. It's a promising start, I might think to myself. But I always have to hold off judgment until I see the band live.
Sometimes it doesn't live up to what you'd hoped. You walk away realizing you'll just have to listen to the album and leave it at that.
But when it clicks? Standing in a club, listening to the sound and moving your head back and forth, a giddy little flutter starts in your stomach and moves out from there.
There's a reason why people say they fall in love with a band. In many cases, there's no rhyme or reason to it - and two people can walk away with two very different takes on the band they just saw. It moves one, it leaves the other cold.
But I've been playing Speechwriters LLC on repeat since Friday night's venture to the Paradise Lounge. And feeling that giddy flutter continue to spread. They'll be back at the Lounge in October, during the weekend of Matty and Ryan - which means I'll be ready to submit a timesheet to the club management. Matt on Wednesday and Thursday. SLLC on Friday. Ryan Saturday.
And me? I'll know whether there can be too much of a good thing.
---
Well, it's 4 a.m., the paper boy's at it again...
We're singing along to the familiar song, rounding the corner of 93 that reveals the Boston skyline. We know the little vocal flourishes, and we add them accordingly, reveling in the fact that this is the first time we've heard the song played on the radio.
There's always that doubletake that comes somewhere right before the chorus. Wait. I KNOW this. Sure, my friends know this, but other people do? Enough to play it on the radio? When did this happen?
Trizzy P on the radio. Well done. We clapped and cheered as the final "love, love, love" trailed off into the next song. So proud.
---
"I know where I am, I just don't know how to get to where I want to be!"
Tom's laughing into the phone. I just dropped a friend off at Northeastern, and I'm trying to make my way to Commonwealth. I know Mass Ave. is a couple of turns on a seemingly one-way road behind me. I know exactly where I am.
I just can't get there from here. And it's pissing me off.
I've pretty good navigational skills. For the most part - once I've been somewhere, once I've driven the route, I've got it down. But add a new location or an unexpected turn and I'm a lost cause.
My familiarity with Boston grows in leaps each time I visit, and I take pride in my ability to get around.
But somehow, that turn off 93 onto Storrow that should have gotten me to Mass Ave. landed me on Cambridge, driving past City Hall. And I had no clue of how the hell to get anywhere.
"OK. I'm just going to keep you on the line, if that's cool." I'd already called Tom three times. He was laughing at me. Bastard.
"No worries. Now you should be at -"
"No. I'm not. Red light. So, um, how are you?"
He led me on a route by parks and bridges, past buildings I remembered walking by during the April trip back from Fenway. Each new turn left me more frustrated.
"I know where I am!"
"Want me to let you get there?"
"NOOOOOO. Sorry. OK. Now what?"
As I turned onto Commonwealth, I cheered.
"I LOVE YOU!"
"Look familiar?"
"If this doesn't, I've got huge problems. I know exactly where I am. I'm buying you lunch or something."
"Sounds good."
As I pulled into the parking lot, my phone rang. Michelle. I laughed over the misadventures as she launched into the game play-by-play until I reached the projected screen visible through the windows at T's...
---
Weekend synopsis, as it stands: Random. Random. Random. But in a good way, for the most part. With visits to the North Shore, the South Shore and the city in between, it's been fun, alternately exhilerating and languid. There are photographs to be posted, stories to laugh over when I've the time and just a few wrinkles in the plans.
Here's to extending it all by one more day.
9.30.2005
Still in it.
Early mornings are usually pretty quiet in this downtown, and it makes those walking the cobblestones and bricks more inclined to converse with strangers as they walk by. It feels as if autumn proves all the more condusive to conversation. Everyone has the same things on their minds.
Coffee. Something warm. Pretty leaves. Bundle up. Rosy cheeks.
As I made my way up the street for my coffee and conversation, my eyes lit up upon seing Red Sox caps above bleary-eyed faces.
Fourth only to the ALCS comeback, the championship and the victory parade, baseball conversation on Church Street was my favorite part of fall ball last year.
From October 2004:
i immediately walked into a number of walk-bys greetings and smiles from my boston bretheren. it was a huge surprise to me, as i'd just walked the same street minutes before and seen only a smattering of red sox gear. on my post-purchase travels, i've graciously received compliments on the hat and remarks of "can't wait for tonight!" after buying my hot caffeinated bevarage, i had the door to the coffeeshop held open for me by a charming fellow wearing a boston hat of his own. he had held the door for the older woman leaving before me and remained at the doorman perch for longer than most would consider necessary, letting me pass through the doorway unencumbered. he smiled as i said thank you, replying that he wouldn't hold the door for a yankees fan.
I couldn't fall asleep last night, after the jumping, shouting and cheering at the televised game. When I woke, I felt exhausted. Yet jubilant.
We're not dead yet.
We're nearing the post-season, uncertain about whether our name will be inscribed on one of the few invitations to the party. It's back to the Boston-New York rivalry, a little early this year, but just as desperate. A playoff within the regular season, for all intensive purposes - as do or die as the ALCS last year, in many minds.
Boston fans roll their eyes upon seeing the NY cap bobbing down the streets, and we grin at those who wear the same blue and red as we do. "How about that game last night?" "Ortiz is the man!" "Hell of a weekend coming up, huh?" "Hey, good luck this weekend."
We wish each other luck. I've had three people wish me luck for Sunday. I'm sitting in the upper bleachers, near the back of the park. The luck is necessary, but in a spot far away from where I will be sitting. Yet I wish the luck right back. Good luck to you too, man.
As I stood in line, waiting to pay for my latte, I saw the straight brim of the barista's Boston hat. I decided to embrace the time of year.
"What did you think of the game last night?"
"Oh man," he said. "I was ready to give up, but loved the outcome. It was painful, most of it, wasn't it?"
We chatted about how we watched or listened as he rang me up and handed me my change. As I prepared to turn away, I looked back and smiled.
"Good luck this weekend."
He grinned and rolled his eyes up toward the brim. "I'll need it. You too."
Coffee. Something warm. Pretty leaves. Bundle up. Rosy cheeks.
As I made my way up the street for my coffee and conversation, my eyes lit up upon seing Red Sox caps above bleary-eyed faces.
Fourth only to the ALCS comeback, the championship and the victory parade, baseball conversation on Church Street was my favorite part of fall ball last year.
From October 2004:
i immediately walked into a number of walk-bys greetings and smiles from my boston bretheren. it was a huge surprise to me, as i'd just walked the same street minutes before and seen only a smattering of red sox gear. on my post-purchase travels, i've graciously received compliments on the hat and remarks of "can't wait for tonight!" after buying my hot caffeinated bevarage, i had the door to the coffeeshop held open for me by a charming fellow wearing a boston hat of his own. he had held the door for the older woman leaving before me and remained at the doorman perch for longer than most would consider necessary, letting me pass through the doorway unencumbered. he smiled as i said thank you, replying that he wouldn't hold the door for a yankees fan.
I couldn't fall asleep last night, after the jumping, shouting and cheering at the televised game. When I woke, I felt exhausted. Yet jubilant.
We're not dead yet.
We're nearing the post-season, uncertain about whether our name will be inscribed on one of the few invitations to the party. It's back to the Boston-New York rivalry, a little early this year, but just as desperate. A playoff within the regular season, for all intensive purposes - as do or die as the ALCS last year, in many minds.
Boston fans roll their eyes upon seeing the NY cap bobbing down the streets, and we grin at those who wear the same blue and red as we do. "How about that game last night?" "Ortiz is the man!" "Hell of a weekend coming up, huh?" "Hey, good luck this weekend."
We wish each other luck. I've had three people wish me luck for Sunday. I'm sitting in the upper bleachers, near the back of the park. The luck is necessary, but in a spot far away from where I will be sitting. Yet I wish the luck right back. Good luck to you too, man.
As I stood in line, waiting to pay for my latte, I saw the straight brim of the barista's Boston hat. I decided to embrace the time of year.
"What did you think of the game last night?"
"Oh man," he said. "I was ready to give up, but loved the outcome. It was painful, most of it, wasn't it?"
We chatted about how we watched or listened as he rang me up and handed me my change. As I prepared to turn away, I looked back and smiled.
"Good luck this weekend."
He grinned and rolled his eyes up toward the brim. "I'll need it. You too."
Where men are from
If my memory serves me correctly, Mars should be visible about this time of year. Which means I wasn't crazy for being startled at the sight of an incredibly bright, amber pinpoint of light in the sky as I stared up.
Or there's another satellite spying on me. Whatever works.
I decided to borrow and adapt the iPod meme I've seen on several other spaces as of late and see what my song selection has to say to me. Since I am iPod-less, I'm going with my collection of songs on my computer's Media Player - shuffled of course. Let's see what they have to say in response to my inquiries...
1. What do you think of me, Music Player?
The Honorary Title, Dilute
(Distance dilutes and rewrites and rewrites. Hmm. You might be onto something here, MP. That's kind of my cynical credo, isn't it?)
2. Will I have a happy life?
Megan Slankard, Lose Me
(I would certainly consider my pen leaking poetry to be a good thing...although the defective and insomniatic nature of the lyrics make me feel a little too close an inferred kinship to Ms. Plath...)
3. What do my friends really think of me?
Ben Folds, Still Fighting It
(Great. I've grown bitter as I've grown older. Thanks, friends. Love you too.)
4. What does my (V. edit - imaginary) S.O. think of me?
Amos Lee, Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight
(I'm in love with the world. I'm liking this...not to mention the easy, natural flow of the music. This is how love should sound. Warm, smooth, but saucy...)
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Heather Nova, We Can Work It Out
(Um...life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting over me, my friends.)
6. How can I make myself happy?
Averi, Flutter (live)
(HAHAHA. I need to walk across Storrow to the water and watch Cambridge wipe the sleep from its eyes. This implies living in Boston...Also applicable: I can make myself happy by remembering the words to the things that I write. Or: I need not call phone numbers that I possess.)
7. What should I do with my life?
Tristan Prettyman, Anything At All
(Always be true to myself seems to be the easiest theme to draw from this...although the process of letting go also comes to mind.)
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Matt Nathanson, What You Need
(BECAUSE THE PURSUIT OF LOVE SUCKS AND RUINS EVERYTHING.)
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
John Butler Trio, Treat Yo Mama
(It's all in the attitude, baby. Or: do what you can to better mankind and you'll be rewarded? Um...)
10. Can you give me some advice?
Averi, For Better or Worse
(I officially dislike this meme. Heh. OK, here goes. Don't dwell on the past. Remember the difference a few years can make.)
11. What do you think happiness is?
Jason Mraz, Land Down Under
(I knew I needed to go to Australia one of these days.)
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Ben Taylor Band, A Good Day to Be Alive
(This must mean the Sox are going to the postseason after this weekend! Thanks, Music Player!)
13. Will I die happy?
Ryan Montbleau Band feat. Julian Velard, Use Me
(Awwwwwww yeah. Well I'm gonna spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used by you, oh you just keep on usin' me until you use me up. And I die. Happy.)
Or there's another satellite spying on me. Whatever works.
I decided to borrow and adapt the iPod meme I've seen on several other spaces as of late and see what my song selection has to say to me. Since I am iPod-less, I'm going with my collection of songs on my computer's Media Player - shuffled of course. Let's see what they have to say in response to my inquiries...
1. What do you think of me, Music Player?
The Honorary Title, Dilute
(Distance dilutes and rewrites and rewrites. Hmm. You might be onto something here, MP. That's kind of my cynical credo, isn't it?)
2. Will I have a happy life?
Megan Slankard, Lose Me
(I would certainly consider my pen leaking poetry to be a good thing...although the defective and insomniatic nature of the lyrics make me feel a little too close an inferred kinship to Ms. Plath...)
3. What do my friends really think of me?
Ben Folds, Still Fighting It
(Great. I've grown bitter as I've grown older. Thanks, friends. Love you too.)
4. What does my (V. edit - imaginary) S.O. think of me?
Amos Lee, Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight
(I'm in love with the world. I'm liking this...not to mention the easy, natural flow of the music. This is how love should sound. Warm, smooth, but saucy...)
5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Heather Nova, We Can Work It Out
(Um...life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting over me, my friends.)
6. How can I make myself happy?
Averi, Flutter (live)
(HAHAHA. I need to walk across Storrow to the water and watch Cambridge wipe the sleep from its eyes. This implies living in Boston...Also applicable: I can make myself happy by remembering the words to the things that I write. Or: I need not call phone numbers that I possess.)
7. What should I do with my life?
Tristan Prettyman, Anything At All
(Always be true to myself seems to be the easiest theme to draw from this...although the process of letting go also comes to mind.)
8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Matt Nathanson, What You Need
(BECAUSE THE PURSUIT OF LOVE SUCKS AND RUINS EVERYTHING.)
9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
John Butler Trio, Treat Yo Mama
(It's all in the attitude, baby. Or: do what you can to better mankind and you'll be rewarded? Um...)
10. Can you give me some advice?
Averi, For Better or Worse
(I officially dislike this meme. Heh. OK, here goes. Don't dwell on the past. Remember the difference a few years can make.)
11. What do you think happiness is?
Jason Mraz, Land Down Under
(I knew I needed to go to Australia one of these days.)
12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?
Ben Taylor Band, A Good Day to Be Alive
(This must mean the Sox are going to the postseason after this weekend! Thanks, Music Player!)
13. Will I die happy?
Ryan Montbleau Band feat. Julian Velard, Use Me
(Awwwwwww yeah. Well I'm gonna spread the news, that if it feels this good getting used by you, oh you just keep on usin' me until you use me up. And I die. Happy.)
9.29.2005
You knew I wouldn't stay away.
About a week ago, I sat at the corner of a long bar in New Hampshire, sipping a pint of beer I'd been led to believe was known as The Fisher Cat. After an attempt at confirming the name from a friend - and the ensuing cat-like gesturing that followed - I was told by the bartender that I had to move my hand like a cat's paw cutting through the air each time I ordered the drink.
Of course I obliged. Several times. It added to the surreal nature of ordering beer at a bar. It was all pretty new to my vodka cran-loving self.
So as I sipped the brew, marveling in my determination to develop a taste for malt and whatever else goes into the mix, a gentleman approached and introduced himself to me.
I spared a scene - and an unpleasent Fisher Cat incident - by not spitting out my beer. I was floored - and delighted - to discover that this was P Squared.
We chatted about the Red Sox, about Vermont and Massachusetts and numerous other things that came to mind, when he remarked on his disappointment about the cessation of this little space. It had become part of his routine, he said, and he'd enjoyed being able to read my little rambles.
I also felt disappointment - in that I had to remark about my move to another space. I suddenly wished I hadn't made the move.
The writer's block, the self-editing, the label I had affixed to the blog - that being "I Can't Write What I Want Here" - it made it feel as if I needed a new space in order to actually write my mind.
Well, screw that.
I should be able to write anywhere, and Revelry is my turf. I'm not giving that up. I like my readers - pretty quiet as you are, I know you're there - I like the URL, and I like having my history here.
So I'm tweaking things a bit, giving myself a new redesign, and then Revelry will be up and back. A little different than before, but in a good way.
But here's the deal. There are some ground rules.
I don't write about work. I don't write about what I do, where I do it and how I do it.
I write about what's on my mind. When it comes to talking about other people, I'll make reference without specificially identifying. First names might be used, or perhaps initials if I deem it appropriate. But if it's a performance I'm referencing, that's a different story.
If you don't like like what I'm writing, it's simple. Don't read it. I'm not going to feel guilty or embarrassed about what I have to say.
If you do like what I'm reading, COMMENT. Leave a note. Let me know who you are. I'd like to be able to start a dialogue at times, and I figure that I'm sharing a great deal with you guys, so I'm not being too out of line by asking for a "Hi" every once in awhile in return. Even better would be an anecodte or observation.
That said, observations and advice are two completely different things. Observations? Good. Advice? Uh-uh.
And, finally, enjoy it. I like writing, and I wound up being able to enjoy Fisher Cat (meow) and conversation with someone who felt like a friend because of it. A completely unexpected twist to a Friday night made my evening and helped me out. I'd like to see more of the same.
And, by the way, it turned out that the beer wasn't called the Fisher Cat afterall. But I'll just prefer to think of it that way.
Of course I obliged. Several times. It added to the surreal nature of ordering beer at a bar. It was all pretty new to my vodka cran-loving self.
So as I sipped the brew, marveling in my determination to develop a taste for malt and whatever else goes into the mix, a gentleman approached and introduced himself to me.
I spared a scene - and an unpleasent Fisher Cat incident - by not spitting out my beer. I was floored - and delighted - to discover that this was P Squared.
We chatted about the Red Sox, about Vermont and Massachusetts and numerous other things that came to mind, when he remarked on his disappointment about the cessation of this little space. It had become part of his routine, he said, and he'd enjoyed being able to read my little rambles.
I also felt disappointment - in that I had to remark about my move to another space. I suddenly wished I hadn't made the move.
The writer's block, the self-editing, the label I had affixed to the blog - that being "I Can't Write What I Want Here" - it made it feel as if I needed a new space in order to actually write my mind.
Well, screw that.
I should be able to write anywhere, and Revelry is my turf. I'm not giving that up. I like my readers - pretty quiet as you are, I know you're there - I like the URL, and I like having my history here.
So I'm tweaking things a bit, giving myself a new redesign, and then Revelry will be up and back. A little different than before, but in a good way.
But here's the deal. There are some ground rules.
I don't write about work. I don't write about what I do, where I do it and how I do it.
I write about what's on my mind. When it comes to talking about other people, I'll make reference without specificially identifying. First names might be used, or perhaps initials if I deem it appropriate. But if it's a performance I'm referencing, that's a different story.
If you don't like like what I'm writing, it's simple. Don't read it. I'm not going to feel guilty or embarrassed about what I have to say.
If you do like what I'm reading, COMMENT. Leave a note. Let me know who you are. I'd like to be able to start a dialogue at times, and I figure that I'm sharing a great deal with you guys, so I'm not being too out of line by asking for a "Hi" every once in awhile in return. Even better would be an anecodte or observation.
That said, observations and advice are two completely different things. Observations? Good. Advice? Uh-uh.
And, finally, enjoy it. I like writing, and I wound up being able to enjoy Fisher Cat (meow) and conversation with someone who felt like a friend because of it. A completely unexpected twist to a Friday night made my evening and helped me out. I'd like to see more of the same.
And, by the way, it turned out that the beer wasn't called the Fisher Cat afterall. But I'll just prefer to think of it that way.
9.21.2005
An Open Letter to the U.S. Senate
Dear Sirs and Madams,
I cannot cook.
Seriously. Despite efforts by friends, family and a flatmate who should be thoroughly exasperated by now, I have not demonstrated an ability to prepare on my own anything other than a small assortment of meals. I cannot even make rice. It turns out soupy.
Therefore, I am left questioning my role in society, particularly as the nominee for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court has stated that woman's primary function in America should be that of the housemaker. The purported "gender gap" has left me, I fear, somewhere in between that which I should be - capable of culinary excellence and an immaculate home for my husband - and that which I have been aspiring - a successful professional with a long-term, out-of-home career.
Adding insult to injury, I don't even have a husband. I am sure John Roberts would be appalled, aghast at the fact that I am an abnormality. I hang my head in shame as I write this.
You are preparing to vote on whether to appoint Judge Roberts to the highest seat in the highest court in the United States. Media reports predict a relatively easy appointment for the nominee.
I wonder what will come of myself - and others in a similar state - after Roberts assumes his position on the Court. Will we be scrutinized, held to a standard separate from our male counterparts, simply because we possess ovaries and, thus, lack the ability and intellect to hold the positions we now hold? Will we be denied our right to decide whether to procreate - despite the possibility that we could bring a lifeform into the world without the proper economic support or, I daresay, emotional capability to raise that child?
Will those who fail to find a compatible mate in college - which will therefore become known as Mating School for the "fairer" gender - be left to languish in apartments? Will our futures dim upon Graduation Day?
Or will Mrs. Supreme Court Justice-To-Be Roberts personally visit my home and teach me to cook so I can land a husband and fulfill my half of the American Dream?
As always, I am looking to you for answers,
Victoria
I cannot cook.
Seriously. Despite efforts by friends, family and a flatmate who should be thoroughly exasperated by now, I have not demonstrated an ability to prepare on my own anything other than a small assortment of meals. I cannot even make rice. It turns out soupy.
Therefore, I am left questioning my role in society, particularly as the nominee for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court has stated that woman's primary function in America should be that of the housemaker. The purported "gender gap" has left me, I fear, somewhere in between that which I should be - capable of culinary excellence and an immaculate home for my husband - and that which I have been aspiring - a successful professional with a long-term, out-of-home career.
Adding insult to injury, I don't even have a husband. I am sure John Roberts would be appalled, aghast at the fact that I am an abnormality. I hang my head in shame as I write this.
You are preparing to vote on whether to appoint Judge Roberts to the highest seat in the highest court in the United States. Media reports predict a relatively easy appointment for the nominee.
I wonder what will come of myself - and others in a similar state - after Roberts assumes his position on the Court. Will we be scrutinized, held to a standard separate from our male counterparts, simply because we possess ovaries and, thus, lack the ability and intellect to hold the positions we now hold? Will we be denied our right to decide whether to procreate - despite the possibility that we could bring a lifeform into the world without the proper economic support or, I daresay, emotional capability to raise that child?
Will those who fail to find a compatible mate in college - which will therefore become known as Mating School for the "fairer" gender - be left to languish in apartments? Will our futures dim upon Graduation Day?
Or will Mrs. Supreme Court Justice-To-Be Roberts personally visit my home and teach me to cook so I can land a husband and fulfill my half of the American Dream?
As always, I am looking to you for answers,
Victoria
9.18.2005
A bottle of red
Song: Love, Love, Love - Tristan Prettyman
Diner coffee. Quixotically strong and bland at the same time, it's the only kind to prompt me to stir in creamer and sugar. The squat white mug looks just like the one from last week, served to me in another diner, another place, a couple of states away. It's contents serve the same purpose - wake me up, get me moving.
I blow on the steaming surface and grin across the booth's table. "No, no, no. It's Sunday brunch. This is dish time. Spill it."
Michelle nods from her place next to me, eating some of the whipped cream atop her hot chocolate. She also looks expectantly at John, who beams his best Cheshire cat grin. "You're holding out on us."
We're catching up on our weekends before delving into our various adventures over the last several months. I can't recall the last time the three of us have been in the same place, but we've relayed snippets in the duration, whenever two of the three are around, we chat about or ask about the third.
Each of us drank more than we probably should have the evening before; John at a club eager to serve cocktails, Michelle and I as two-thirds of a trifecta that polished off a bottle of red, a bottle of white and a blush. We take turns confessing to being ridiculous, not knowing why we don't have headaches. We're keeping our fingers crossed that the pain stays away - our various selections of eggs, toast or pancakes will hopefully help our causes.
***
I began sipping the wine around 6:30 Saturday evening, as I realized that the wine-ing was as key to the cooking as it was to the dining. I wasn't nearly as worried about screwing up a meal with a glass of wine on a counter across the kitchen.
The blush was sweet and pleasant as pots of water boiled, sauces simmered and bread baked in the oven. I pulled a floret of broccoli from the wok and popped it into my mouth. Hot but still crisp, more lemon than garlic. Perfect. Done.
The pasta would be finished in a moment or two, and the bread was warm and crusty. I poured olive oil onto a plate and added garlic. The spinach and artichoke dip Michelle had made before leaving to pick up KJ was perfect, and the salad only needed my bright pink plastic tongs.
Table set, a vase of bright flowers in the center. Michelle had brought them home from the last-minute grocery run, along with the extra-virgin olive oil and the lemon I decided I needed. For garnish. If I was cooking, I was going all out - and if the meal didn't taste right, at least it would look lovely.
A little more wine. Two of my close friends, women who impress and astound me, were coming over for my house, and I was giving my first dinner party. I was set to photograph the event so we could send images to the fourth, currently missing member of our group.
It appeared that blind confidence had prevented me from screwing up the meal, and I took care of the last minute accents and tasks that needed my attention. I was focusing on the colors, the smells, the texture of the pasta and the giddiness that comes with taking an assortment of items and pulling them together into a single result.
I heard a car pull into the driveway, then footsteps and voices coming up the stairs to the back porch. As the girls walked in, I grinned and walked toward them. "Velcome! Velcome! Vee hope you are prepared for zee dinner, come eeeen, come eeen! Some vine, yezzz?"
***
We laugh as John recounts the end of his night. "And did you have a good night?" he asks.
Indeed, dear friend. A good night was had by all.
Diner coffee. Quixotically strong and bland at the same time, it's the only kind to prompt me to stir in creamer and sugar. The squat white mug looks just like the one from last week, served to me in another diner, another place, a couple of states away. It's contents serve the same purpose - wake me up, get me moving.
I blow on the steaming surface and grin across the booth's table. "No, no, no. It's Sunday brunch. This is dish time. Spill it."
Michelle nods from her place next to me, eating some of the whipped cream atop her hot chocolate. She also looks expectantly at John, who beams his best Cheshire cat grin. "You're holding out on us."
We're catching up on our weekends before delving into our various adventures over the last several months. I can't recall the last time the three of us have been in the same place, but we've relayed snippets in the duration, whenever two of the three are around, we chat about or ask about the third.
Each of us drank more than we probably should have the evening before; John at a club eager to serve cocktails, Michelle and I as two-thirds of a trifecta that polished off a bottle of red, a bottle of white and a blush. We take turns confessing to being ridiculous, not knowing why we don't have headaches. We're keeping our fingers crossed that the pain stays away - our various selections of eggs, toast or pancakes will hopefully help our causes.
***
I began sipping the wine around 6:30 Saturday evening, as I realized that the wine-ing was as key to the cooking as it was to the dining. I wasn't nearly as worried about screwing up a meal with a glass of wine on a counter across the kitchen.
The blush was sweet and pleasant as pots of water boiled, sauces simmered and bread baked in the oven. I pulled a floret of broccoli from the wok and popped it into my mouth. Hot but still crisp, more lemon than garlic. Perfect. Done.
The pasta would be finished in a moment or two, and the bread was warm and crusty. I poured olive oil onto a plate and added garlic. The spinach and artichoke dip Michelle had made before leaving to pick up KJ was perfect, and the salad only needed my bright pink plastic tongs.
Table set, a vase of bright flowers in the center. Michelle had brought them home from the last-minute grocery run, along with the extra-virgin olive oil and the lemon I decided I needed. For garnish. If I was cooking, I was going all out - and if the meal didn't taste right, at least it would look lovely.
A little more wine. Two of my close friends, women who impress and astound me, were coming over for my house, and I was giving my first dinner party. I was set to photograph the event so we could send images to the fourth, currently missing member of our group.
It appeared that blind confidence had prevented me from screwing up the meal, and I took care of the last minute accents and tasks that needed my attention. I was focusing on the colors, the smells, the texture of the pasta and the giddiness that comes with taking an assortment of items and pulling them together into a single result.
I heard a car pull into the driveway, then footsteps and voices coming up the stairs to the back porch. As the girls walked in, I grinned and walked toward them. "Velcome! Velcome! Vee hope you are prepared for zee dinner, come eeeen, come eeen! Some vine, yezzz?"
***
We laugh as John recounts the end of his night. "And did you have a good night?" he asks.
Indeed, dear friend. A good night was had by all.
9.17.2005
As You Are
I'm sitting in a chair at a table among tables, sipping a too-strong vodka and cranberry. It's bringing a grimace to my face each time I take a sip, but I'm not going to waste the alcohol and take a chance with something that will be equally ill-prepared.
A friend sits to my left, taking log drags off a Camel Light as she tries to nurse her own equally toxic vodka cocktail. An acquaintance joined a table behind me a few songs ago, and I've made a mental note to say hello at the next pause in the show.
The rest of the assembly appears divided between those who adore you and others who have never before heard your name. One of the latter came to realize I'm not there for the drinks, as well as the fact that I'm not keen on tuning out the music long enough to hear him discuss the failure of his third, latest and, he says, final marriage.
The former group has also cast glances at my table since we arrived. I'm a stranger among them, not a regular and not recognizable, yet I know the words. I note that they wonder what I say when I lean across the table to talk to my friend, laughing over some perceived private joke as I cast my eyes quickly at the stage. The looks sent our way are laced with curiosity and suspicion; I am rather enjoying the intrigue.
You stand in your place beneath the spotlight, seemingly oblivious to this display of stares, sloshing drinks and cigarette smoke. You have retreated to some place in the recesses of your mind, eyes closed as you strum out serenades to mystery women you've loved and lost. Despite the inherent melancholy in each song, you remain hopeful, with bits of melody that hint at optimism and your endearingly cynicism-tinged earnestness.
We've all been at the places you travel to in the music. You get it. You know. You care. You've been scarred, you know you're flawed, but you're ready to work on them. But you're appropriately frightened at the prospect.
Armed with a microphone and a songbook of revised and polished reflections on life, you and your contemporaries deliver the words we all hope and dream to hear men say. You tell us that you cried when you turned your backs to us and walked away, you explain that you thought things would work out better, too. You confide that your personal demons were responsible for your decision to not call, and you tell us that you love more than you let us know.
We sit at these tables, waiting to hear the particular lines that sums up how we feel about the promise of love. We mouth along bitter cries and laugh when you let down the wall just enough to show that you also possess the sense of humor that only adds to your appeal.
I know you - all of you - worry that people will forget that you're human.
But as you stand before this crowd, of which I happen to be a member on this particular night, I sip my drink, scowl at the straw and realize that I worry that you forget.
Get real.
I like to think you know I'm aware of your human condition. I know only a fraction of your weaknesses, and I, whether fair of me or not, can't help but demand that you work on them as much as anyone else does. You're supposed to learn from the mistakes, not harvest them.
You're a guy. Who happens to perform. I don't believe that everything should be relegated to material for the next broken song.
I take another sip and draw up air and water. I'm out of cocktail. You're not finished with your set.
The waitress comes over to see if I want another. Why not?
It'll be too strong. But, then again, sometimes I think that so am I.
A friend sits to my left, taking log drags off a Camel Light as she tries to nurse her own equally toxic vodka cocktail. An acquaintance joined a table behind me a few songs ago, and I've made a mental note to say hello at the next pause in the show.
The rest of the assembly appears divided between those who adore you and others who have never before heard your name. One of the latter came to realize I'm not there for the drinks, as well as the fact that I'm not keen on tuning out the music long enough to hear him discuss the failure of his third, latest and, he says, final marriage.
The former group has also cast glances at my table since we arrived. I'm a stranger among them, not a regular and not recognizable, yet I know the words. I note that they wonder what I say when I lean across the table to talk to my friend, laughing over some perceived private joke as I cast my eyes quickly at the stage. The looks sent our way are laced with curiosity and suspicion; I am rather enjoying the intrigue.
You stand in your place beneath the spotlight, seemingly oblivious to this display of stares, sloshing drinks and cigarette smoke. You have retreated to some place in the recesses of your mind, eyes closed as you strum out serenades to mystery women you've loved and lost. Despite the inherent melancholy in each song, you remain hopeful, with bits of melody that hint at optimism and your endearingly cynicism-tinged earnestness.
We've all been at the places you travel to in the music. You get it. You know. You care. You've been scarred, you know you're flawed, but you're ready to work on them. But you're appropriately frightened at the prospect.
Armed with a microphone and a songbook of revised and polished reflections on life, you and your contemporaries deliver the words we all hope and dream to hear men say. You tell us that you cried when you turned your backs to us and walked away, you explain that you thought things would work out better, too. You confide that your personal demons were responsible for your decision to not call, and you tell us that you love more than you let us know.
We sit at these tables, waiting to hear the particular lines that sums up how we feel about the promise of love. We mouth along bitter cries and laugh when you let down the wall just enough to show that you also possess the sense of humor that only adds to your appeal.
I know you - all of you - worry that people will forget that you're human.
But as you stand before this crowd, of which I happen to be a member on this particular night, I sip my drink, scowl at the straw and realize that I worry that you forget.
Get real.
I like to think you know I'm aware of your human condition. I know only a fraction of your weaknesses, and I, whether fair of me or not, can't help but demand that you work on them as much as anyone else does. You're supposed to learn from the mistakes, not harvest them.
You're a guy. Who happens to perform. I don't believe that everything should be relegated to material for the next broken song.
I take another sip and draw up air and water. I'm out of cocktail. You're not finished with your set.
The waitress comes over to see if I want another. Why not?
It'll be too strong. But, then again, sometimes I think that so am I.
9.13.2005
So Long, Skipper
Women talk about just about anything under the sky.
Men. Lack of men. Their bodies. Politics. Dreams. Fears. Food. Whatever can fit into The Three Categories - Past, Present, Future.
But we never talk about playing with dolls as little girls.
So I have no idea of knowing if this is a Me Thing or an Everywoman Thing, but my attempts at creating stories for my Barbies, Skippers and Whitneys always wound up turning into stories about me. Skipper might have walked into the pizza parlor to meet up with Joe McIntyre, but Vickie took over just as Joe Doll started singing "Please Don't Go Girl." And it was always Vickie who wound up in a rigid plastic embrace.
It might have looked like Skipper, but oh no. I knew what was really going on.
I think it's continued over the years. I live my life with what seems to be a completely different take on me than everyone else.
I don't look like the me in my head.
B let me raid her digital camera files today, so I could update the photos on my myspace account. I wanted to do it because I easily fall prey to the narcissistic nature of myspace; but also because The Boy now has a profile. I wanted him to see how dazzling I can be. Wait. Scratch that. How dazzling I am, dammit.
(Hey, I'm going with complete honesty on here. Go with it. This is my logic.)
I hated every image of myself that I found. B's good with a camera, don't get me wrong, but I just didn't look right. Big nose here. Weird smile there. I looked puffy in that one, like a ghost in the next. Strange. Bizarre - UGH! What? That's not me!
"Are you adding them?" B asked as I stared at my computer screen.
"Um, I'll add them later," I replied.
I've got to settle this difference in perceptions - my take and life's take on me. After that is accomplished, I'll turn to being happy with what reality shows me. Flaws and all.
I spend so much time worrying about what others think of me, how they view me, partly becasue I don't want to have to take an actual, honest look in the mirror and take stock in what I am. Who I am. I've let myself cling to the idea of myself as, for all intensive albeit embarrassing purposes, Skipper as a Grown Up.
It's time I started to get to know Victoria.
Men. Lack of men. Their bodies. Politics. Dreams. Fears. Food. Whatever can fit into The Three Categories - Past, Present, Future.
But we never talk about playing with dolls as little girls.
So I have no idea of knowing if this is a Me Thing or an Everywoman Thing, but my attempts at creating stories for my Barbies, Skippers and Whitneys always wound up turning into stories about me. Skipper might have walked into the pizza parlor to meet up with Joe McIntyre, but Vickie took over just as Joe Doll started singing "Please Don't Go Girl." And it was always Vickie who wound up in a rigid plastic embrace.
It might have looked like Skipper, but oh no. I knew what was really going on.
I think it's continued over the years. I live my life with what seems to be a completely different take on me than everyone else.
I don't look like the me in my head.
B let me raid her digital camera files today, so I could update the photos on my myspace account. I wanted to do it because I easily fall prey to the narcissistic nature of myspace; but also because The Boy now has a profile. I wanted him to see how dazzling I can be. Wait. Scratch that. How dazzling I am, dammit.
(Hey, I'm going with complete honesty on here. Go with it. This is my logic.)
I hated every image of myself that I found. B's good with a camera, don't get me wrong, but I just didn't look right. Big nose here. Weird smile there. I looked puffy in that one, like a ghost in the next. Strange. Bizarre - UGH! What? That's not me!
"Are you adding them?" B asked as I stared at my computer screen.
"Um, I'll add them later," I replied.
I've got to settle this difference in perceptions - my take and life's take on me. After that is accomplished, I'll turn to being happy with what reality shows me. Flaws and all.
I spend so much time worrying about what others think of me, how they view me, partly becasue I don't want to have to take an actual, honest look in the mirror and take stock in what I am. Who I am. I've let myself cling to the idea of myself as, for all intensive albeit embarrassing purposes, Skipper as a Grown Up.
It's time I started to get to know Victoria.
9.12.2005
1991.
According to the blogspot counting gods, this is Post No. 1991.
It's also, at least for awhile, my last post on here. I've set up a new space, blank and waiting to be filled with my rambles and mishaps and whatever comes along.
It'll be nice to be able to really write what I'm thinking for a change. Call me a coward all you want, but I've realized that I've been self-editing and imagining readers looking for me to slip up and speak about things I probably shouldn't address. At least not here. When search engines yield interesting results and people wind up stumbling across things not originally intended.
I've been cryptic or flat out exclusionary in my writing for months now, and it's just gotten too frustrating to continue that way.
I'm a blogger. I write about my life fully aware of the fact that others can read it and infer what they will. It's become more comfortable to me than my notebooks, actually.
But I need a little vacation from it. Or, rather, a vacation from it here.
If you really want to know what goes on through this head of mine, drop me a comment and include an email address. Introduce yourself if you haven't already - and most of you haven't, might I add (haha, luuuuuuurkers). I've been wondering who you are. Introduce yourself and I'll keep you posted on what's up with me.
When I switched over from madder rain to Revelry - almost four and a half years ago, I was psyched to have a blank page awaiting me.
I'm feeling the same way now.
Thanks for reading, hope to chat with you soon.
X's and O's from a V.
It's also, at least for awhile, my last post on here. I've set up a new space, blank and waiting to be filled with my rambles and mishaps and whatever comes along.
It'll be nice to be able to really write what I'm thinking for a change. Call me a coward all you want, but I've realized that I've been self-editing and imagining readers looking for me to slip up and speak about things I probably shouldn't address. At least not here. When search engines yield interesting results and people wind up stumbling across things not originally intended.
I've been cryptic or flat out exclusionary in my writing for months now, and it's just gotten too frustrating to continue that way.
I'm a blogger. I write about my life fully aware of the fact that others can read it and infer what they will. It's become more comfortable to me than my notebooks, actually.
But I need a little vacation from it. Or, rather, a vacation from it here.
If you really want to know what goes on through this head of mine, drop me a comment and include an email address. Introduce yourself if you haven't already - and most of you haven't, might I add (haha, luuuuuuurkers). I've been wondering who you are. Introduce yourself and I'll keep you posted on what's up with me.
When I switched over from madder rain to Revelry - almost four and a half years ago, I was psyched to have a blank page awaiting me.
I'm feeling the same way now.
Thanks for reading, hope to chat with you soon.
X's and O's from a V.
I don't have to be happy all the time.
I can sit here in my apartment, listening to my flatmates' shoes crunch through the gravel driveway as they embark on a walk. I did not feel inclined to go; they did not ask me, anyway.
I think I'm going to make some tea and curl up in my favorite blue velvety armchair in the sunroom. I'll write until the light drifts away, then I'll turn on the lamp.
And just write and write and write. Block out everyone else except those whose figures I intend to pull into my writing. It's an invitation-only event to be included in my rambles tonight, you see.
And I'm going to be strict about the guest list.
L quoted a SK song earlier today, and I was intrigued by the snippets of lyrics I heard. I tracked it down on my own and think it fits today. So, with a humble apology from lifting it from her own thoughts:
I could say "fare thee well" and pass it off like I don't care
Or we could meet up in St. Louis,
if both of us should happen to be there
I'm like a clown that isn't funny,
as I dance across your door
You're on the verge of something big,
I'm on the verge of something more.
- "I Know Why"
I can sit here in my apartment, listening to my flatmates' shoes crunch through the gravel driveway as they embark on a walk. I did not feel inclined to go; they did not ask me, anyway.
I think I'm going to make some tea and curl up in my favorite blue velvety armchair in the sunroom. I'll write until the light drifts away, then I'll turn on the lamp.
And just write and write and write. Block out everyone else except those whose figures I intend to pull into my writing. It's an invitation-only event to be included in my rambles tonight, you see.
And I'm going to be strict about the guest list.
L quoted a SK song earlier today, and I was intrigued by the snippets of lyrics I heard. I tracked it down on my own and think it fits today. So, with a humble apology from lifting it from her own thoughts:
I could say "fare thee well" and pass it off like I don't care
Or we could meet up in St. Louis,
if both of us should happen to be there
I'm like a clown that isn't funny,
as I dance across your door
You're on the verge of something big,
I'm on the verge of something more.
- "I Know Why"
9.11.2005
Dammit.
It's not a guy that is making me want to cry, thank you.
It is the fact that I have nothing I can say to a guy that made me upset - and that I can't write about being upset without sounding like a pathetic girl - that is making my eyes sting a bit.
I sat at the Paradise Lounge last night, surrounded by friends brought unexpectedly together by the small world nature of the scene. I was taking in oustanding performances by Jarrod Gorbel, Josh Radin, Cary Brothers and Tom McRae. I was drinking Red Stripe, for Christ's sake.
And yet a particular song made me start thinking about someone who didn't deem it important to return a phone call I'd left with nervousness in the pit of my stomach.
(I'm not even going to get into the haughty form letter response component of my weekend.)
Thoughts of an idiot managed to invade the Hotel Cafe Tour performance I'd been looking forward to for weeks. Granted, they were fleeting. But they were there.
I'm done.
It is the fact that I have nothing I can say to a guy that made me upset - and that I can't write about being upset without sounding like a pathetic girl - that is making my eyes sting a bit.
I sat at the Paradise Lounge last night, surrounded by friends brought unexpectedly together by the small world nature of the scene. I was taking in oustanding performances by Jarrod Gorbel, Josh Radin, Cary Brothers and Tom McRae. I was drinking Red Stripe, for Christ's sake.
And yet a particular song made me start thinking about someone who didn't deem it important to return a phone call I'd left with nervousness in the pit of my stomach.
(I'm not even going to get into the haughty form letter response component of my weekend.)
Thoughts of an idiot managed to invade the Hotel Cafe Tour performance I'd been looking forward to for weeks. Granted, they were fleeting. But they were there.
I'm done.
9.09.2005
A riddle, if you will
What do the following musicians have in common?
Alicia Keys, Averi, Barenaked Laides, Black Eyed Peas, Blondie, Ciara, Chingy, Dashboard Confessional, G Love & Special Sauce, Hawthorne Heights, John Mayer, Julie Roberts, Matt Nathanson, Mirah, No Doubt, Phil Collins, Prince and Raffi.
Beyond the fact that they are all under consideration for the concept compilation CD I am going to create for tomorrow's drive to Massachusetts.
If you can figure out the link between now and Monday, I will send you a copy of the mix.
SK & the Sixers/Carbon Leaf tonight. Hotel Cafe tomorrow. A lot of driving. Good times.
Happiness.
Alicia Keys, Averi, Barenaked Laides, Black Eyed Peas, Blondie, Ciara, Chingy, Dashboard Confessional, G Love & Special Sauce, Hawthorne Heights, John Mayer, Julie Roberts, Matt Nathanson, Mirah, No Doubt, Phil Collins, Prince and Raffi.
Beyond the fact that they are all under consideration for the concept compilation CD I am going to create for tomorrow's drive to Massachusetts.
If you can figure out the link between now and Monday, I will send you a copy of the mix.
SK & the Sixers/Carbon Leaf tonight. Hotel Cafe tomorrow. A lot of driving. Good times.
Happiness.
9.08.2005
I hate to be horribly cliched and quote one of Kerouac's most oft-cited snippets, but sometimes there's nothing else that sums it up quite right.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "AWWW!"
I am a contradiction in terms.
My biggest fault is that I possess a ridiculous amount of self-doubt; I often feel that there's little I'm going to be able to bring to a conversation led by someone clearly brilliant/witty/poised. Yet at the same time, they are the people above all others with whom I hope to interact.
My eyes light up during the first interactions with someone who possesses those qualities, because I realize I'm going to have to work my ass off to keep up. To prove myself, if you will.
Biting wit and brilliance do not come naturally to me. I can be dippy, I can possess a glaring lack of common sense. I often think of things after the fact that would have been fantastic to say in a conversation, quips that never see the light of day because my mind sometimes just doesn't work quickly enough to keep up.
But I still think of them and I store them for next time. See, much as I doubt myself, I love a challenge.
It is, in many respects, why I wind up keeping quiet much of the time. The people who know me well love me, regardless of the fact that they all know I'm an idiot. And I'm comfortable with that. So an idiot I am - although I like to think I'm more of an idiot savant.
The brightest (insert "coolest" if you think it applicable) person I've ever met kept me on my toes the entire damn time I was in his presence. It was a fascinating experience to me, and I trilled silently to myself when it appeared that what I had to say about things mattered to him. We were rivals, technically, each vying for the top prize in a competition. But we bypassed the heated competition aspect of things and instead focused on the intellectual stimulation such a competition could provide.
Well, when we weren't playfully bickering like little kids. Heh.
I never really thought of him as a rival until they announced the name of the competition's winner.
(For those inquisitive minds, he won and I was runner-up. Bastard.)
But even when away from the competition itself, I found myself striving to be interesting enough, bright enough, witty enough and knowledgable enough. And each time I did so, I discovered that he could keep up with me. Easily. And I'd like to think that I was able to do the same during his attempts at insight.
We've kept in touch sporadically, and during a instant messaged conversation a few months ago, he mentioned that he thought we should start a blog together, with commentary and observations about news, live, whatever.
We never did it - both of us were too busy and it fell through the cracks.
But I had a huge grin spread across my face for a good solid two days afterwards.
I recently received an e-mail from someone that instantly left me impressed and a little awed.
And I realized that this person was brilliant. That I definitely wanted to find out what makes her tick. I could learn from her.
And that I was going to have to work my ass off to keep up.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "AWWW!"
I am a contradiction in terms.
My biggest fault is that I possess a ridiculous amount of self-doubt; I often feel that there's little I'm going to be able to bring to a conversation led by someone clearly brilliant/witty/poised. Yet at the same time, they are the people above all others with whom I hope to interact.
My eyes light up during the first interactions with someone who possesses those qualities, because I realize I'm going to have to work my ass off to keep up. To prove myself, if you will.
Biting wit and brilliance do not come naturally to me. I can be dippy, I can possess a glaring lack of common sense. I often think of things after the fact that would have been fantastic to say in a conversation, quips that never see the light of day because my mind sometimes just doesn't work quickly enough to keep up.
But I still think of them and I store them for next time. See, much as I doubt myself, I love a challenge.
It is, in many respects, why I wind up keeping quiet much of the time. The people who know me well love me, regardless of the fact that they all know I'm an idiot. And I'm comfortable with that. So an idiot I am - although I like to think I'm more of an idiot savant.
The brightest (insert "coolest" if you think it applicable) person I've ever met kept me on my toes the entire damn time I was in his presence. It was a fascinating experience to me, and I trilled silently to myself when it appeared that what I had to say about things mattered to him. We were rivals, technically, each vying for the top prize in a competition. But we bypassed the heated competition aspect of things and instead focused on the intellectual stimulation such a competition could provide.
Well, when we weren't playfully bickering like little kids. Heh.
I never really thought of him as a rival until they announced the name of the competition's winner.
(For those inquisitive minds, he won and I was runner-up. Bastard.)
But even when away from the competition itself, I found myself striving to be interesting enough, bright enough, witty enough and knowledgable enough. And each time I did so, I discovered that he could keep up with me. Easily. And I'd like to think that I was able to do the same during his attempts at insight.
We've kept in touch sporadically, and during a instant messaged conversation a few months ago, he mentioned that he thought we should start a blog together, with commentary and observations about news, live, whatever.
We never did it - both of us were too busy and it fell through the cracks.
But I had a huge grin spread across my face for a good solid two days afterwards.
I recently received an e-mail from someone that instantly left me impressed and a little awed.
And I realized that this person was brilliant. That I definitely wanted to find out what makes her tick. I could learn from her.
And that I was going to have to work my ass off to keep up.
Tomorrow is the start to the Fall Concert Season - and I'm in the process of setting up a new space for the a&e/review/music blog I've been threatening to set up for ages now. With at least 12 shows within the next two months coming up, this is the perfect time to get cracking on the reviews and pieces I've been wanting to get back into for ages now.
I'll have more information about the new space shortly, and after it's set up, I would certainly invite/request/beseech you to give it at least a once-over. I'm psyched about it - it should be fun to do and I've missed doing something along these lines.
In other news...is there other news? Not particularly...except that I need a backrub.
That is all.
I'll have more information about the new space shortly, and after it's set up, I would certainly invite/request/beseech you to give it at least a once-over. I'm psyched about it - it should be fun to do and I've missed doing something along these lines.
In other news...is there other news? Not particularly...except that I need a backrub.
That is all.
9.07.2005
Updates.
Short sentences from a short temper. But at least it's information.
- I highly recommend checking out Intercept. California band. I like what I hear. Formerly known as Flathead, a band I've been hearing about for eons but hadn't had a chance to actually hear.
- Portions of five Averi songs were featured in the latest "Red Sox Rewind." Talk about a surprise, hearing almost half of "Drawn to Revolving Doors" while catching up on Sox news ("When You Gracefully Creep In," "Attention to Details," "Mouth Full of Sand," "Empty Pages" and "The Way We Go Out Tonight" were played). But I got to watch clips from Millar's two-homer effort (read: the one game I actually missed this season, dammit) and smile again at Sox wins while humming along with the songs. NESN managed to take two things I dig and bring 'em right together. Worked for me.
- The question posed to me numerous times today: "Catch the game last night?" Answer: "Of course I did. I'm surprised you didn't hear me cheering as soon as Ortiz made contact."
- I haven't been able to get "Stitched Up" out of my head the last two days.
- Finally saw the clip of Kanye West's anti-Bush rant. I applaud him for speaking from the heart - it was clear that he wasn't just trying to look cool with it; he was shaken and flying by the seat of his pants. Made Mike Myers look rather foolish and cold when he tried to stick to the script.
- I made banana bread last night. And yes, it is edible, thank you. Very tasty, actually. And I, er, THEY said I couldn't do anything but microwave. HA!
(Admittedly, I did have Beth in stitches as I brought my own special sense of style to it. A comedy of near-errors.)
- I'm just trying to get to Friday.
- I highly recommend checking out Intercept. California band. I like what I hear. Formerly known as Flathead, a band I've been hearing about for eons but hadn't had a chance to actually hear.
- Portions of five Averi songs were featured in the latest "Red Sox Rewind." Talk about a surprise, hearing almost half of "Drawn to Revolving Doors" while catching up on Sox news ("When You Gracefully Creep In," "Attention to Details," "Mouth Full of Sand," "Empty Pages" and "The Way We Go Out Tonight" were played). But I got to watch clips from Millar's two-homer effort (read: the one game I actually missed this season, dammit) and smile again at Sox wins while humming along with the songs. NESN managed to take two things I dig and bring 'em right together. Worked for me.
- The question posed to me numerous times today: "Catch the game last night?" Answer: "Of course I did. I'm surprised you didn't hear me cheering as soon as Ortiz made contact."
- I haven't been able to get "Stitched Up" out of my head the last two days.
- Finally saw the clip of Kanye West's anti-Bush rant. I applaud him for speaking from the heart - it was clear that he wasn't just trying to look cool with it; he was shaken and flying by the seat of his pants. Made Mike Myers look rather foolish and cold when he tried to stick to the script.
- I made banana bread last night. And yes, it is edible, thank you. Very tasty, actually. And I, er, THEY said I couldn't do anything but microwave. HA!
(Admittedly, I did have Beth in stitches as I brought my own special sense of style to it. A comedy of near-errors.)
- I'm just trying to get to Friday.
9.06.2005
I'm a bit delayed, but well-intentioned.
I started and stopped posts about Katrina and its aftermath, but everything I wrote seemed terribly cliched. It's easy to write about the horrific devastation and how I hurt for those affected when I'm sitting in northern lands free of floodwater, with all of my friends and loved ones accounted for.
In fact, I'm not even aware of anyone I know having been remotely within harm's way.
So I haven't written, haven't commented beyond the "I'm in a funk because everything in the world looks like it's gone to shit" post from last week.
That said, I've been following the news. I've been figuring out how I am going to help, and I encourage you to do the same.
I've been amazed (albeit at the same time not surprised) to see how Americans have rallied to help those hit hardest. My one hope is that people remember that it's going to be difficult for people a week from now. A month from now. A year from now.
Let's help victims now and continue to help them as they begin the process of recovery.
American Red Cross
America's Second Harvest
North Shore Animal League
Oxfam America
Salvation Army
I started and stopped posts about Katrina and its aftermath, but everything I wrote seemed terribly cliched. It's easy to write about the horrific devastation and how I hurt for those affected when I'm sitting in northern lands free of floodwater, with all of my friends and loved ones accounted for.
In fact, I'm not even aware of anyone I know having been remotely within harm's way.
So I haven't written, haven't commented beyond the "I'm in a funk because everything in the world looks like it's gone to shit" post from last week.
That said, I've been following the news. I've been figuring out how I am going to help, and I encourage you to do the same.
I've been amazed (albeit at the same time not surprised) to see how Americans have rallied to help those hit hardest. My one hope is that people remember that it's going to be difficult for people a week from now. A month from now. A year from now.
Let's help victims now and continue to help them as they begin the process of recovery.
American Red Cross
America's Second Harvest
North Shore Animal League
Oxfam America
Salvation Army
9.05.2005
"It's like riding a bike."
I suddenly became more wary of trying things I hadn't done in a long time.
Perhaps inspired by the bicycle races whipping through the downtown today, perhaps prompted by the ever more absurd cost of gas, or perhaps because I finally realized I'm running out of time available to take advantage of it, I decided to dust off the old bike and take it for a short spin. Fill up the tires with air at the corner shop, cruise around a little bit before turning back in.
Oh my God.
I looked like I was drunk as I began. Swerve here, quick turn there - I suddenly felt too tall for a bicycle I'd purchased only two years ago. The cars passing me must have wondered what the hell my deal was as I kept putting my feet down on the ground and laughing at myself.
I made it to the store, filled up the tires and headed back, only slightly embarrassed that a car traveling behind me had to wait as I moved. I was going quickly enough - it's not my fault we're not allowed to bike on the sidewalks. Deal, brother car driver.
By the time I made it home (after a quick trip around the block to further acclimate myself), my legs were sore, my back felt strange and I remembered my adolescent fear of curbstones.
But it felt marvelous, all at the same time.
But that whole "riding a bike" analogy? Noooo siree. That doesn't work. 'Cause getting right back onto the bike to give it a ride?
It ain't that easy.
-----------
In other news. I had traveled to a store to pick up a lock for my bike (see how it all comes together?) and was listening to the Red Sox game on the radio. As I pulled into the parking lot, I kept the radio on as I rolled up my windows. An older woman, almost certainly a grandmother, was loading purchases into the car next to me.
"Excuse me, what's the score?"
I was surprised. Pleasantly. Grandma follows her baseball! "I had just turned it on, and they hadn't announced the latest score. Last I knew, it was 3-0 Chicago."
She gave a smirk and I laughed. "I know, it's hurting me too."
The smirk got wider. "Oh no, that's not what that's for."
"Excuse me?" She stared to laugh as it dawned on me. "Please tell me you're a Chicago fan."
She let out a gleeful peal of laughter. "YAAAANKEEEES!"
I laughed. "OK, I'm going to walk away now." She grinned. "Good luck with the rest of the season and the playoffs."
"You too, dear."
The home stretch for the baseball season. Everyone hunkering in. The playful jabs among strangers who know only of each other's rival affiliations.
God, I love baseball in September.
Perhaps inspired by the bicycle races whipping through the downtown today, perhaps prompted by the ever more absurd cost of gas, or perhaps because I finally realized I'm running out of time available to take advantage of it, I decided to dust off the old bike and take it for a short spin. Fill up the tires with air at the corner shop, cruise around a little bit before turning back in.
Oh my God.
I looked like I was drunk as I began. Swerve here, quick turn there - I suddenly felt too tall for a bicycle I'd purchased only two years ago. The cars passing me must have wondered what the hell my deal was as I kept putting my feet down on the ground and laughing at myself.
I made it to the store, filled up the tires and headed back, only slightly embarrassed that a car traveling behind me had to wait as I moved. I was going quickly enough - it's not my fault we're not allowed to bike on the sidewalks. Deal, brother car driver.
By the time I made it home (after a quick trip around the block to further acclimate myself), my legs were sore, my back felt strange and I remembered my adolescent fear of curbstones.
But it felt marvelous, all at the same time.
But that whole "riding a bike" analogy? Noooo siree. That doesn't work. 'Cause getting right back onto the bike to give it a ride?
It ain't that easy.
-----------
In other news. I had traveled to a store to pick up a lock for my bike (see how it all comes together?) and was listening to the Red Sox game on the radio. As I pulled into the parking lot, I kept the radio on as I rolled up my windows. An older woman, almost certainly a grandmother, was loading purchases into the car next to me.
"Excuse me, what's the score?"
I was surprised. Pleasantly. Grandma follows her baseball! "I had just turned it on, and they hadn't announced the latest score. Last I knew, it was 3-0 Chicago."
She gave a smirk and I laughed. "I know, it's hurting me too."
The smirk got wider. "Oh no, that's not what that's for."
"Excuse me?" She stared to laugh as it dawned on me. "Please tell me you're a Chicago fan."
She let out a gleeful peal of laughter. "YAAAANKEEEES!"
I laughed. "OK, I'm going to walk away now." She grinned. "Good luck with the rest of the season and the playoffs."
"You too, dear."
The home stretch for the baseball season. Everyone hunkering in. The playful jabs among strangers who know only of each other's rival affiliations.
God, I love baseball in September.
Stream of consciousness
I was just planning on updating a random thread on a message board before going to sleep, but I wound up really liking how it came out, so I thought I'd add it here as well.
Thank you, Labor Day - sucks that summer's ending, but yay for a three-day weekend.
And yay for fairs. Yep, I said it. The questionable safety in temporary, spinning and flipping rides, the fried dough and the candy apples, the obnoxious clown you want to send into the dunk tank, the beer tents and karaoke, the promise of a prize with every play of the game.
One of the best places to people watch and see how the various walks of life come together to mingle and collectively vie for the extra ride tickets someone's trying to give away. That is, when you're not standing in line for five-ticket Freak Out ride.
The first glimpses of fall. Love it. And you'll find me welcoming it in from my spot near the maple tent.
------
Today has just provided that picture-perfect day you want to freeze in time and go back to whenever you wish. The weather is warm enough, yet cool enough for comfort; your baseball team wins the afternoon game in style; you go running and feel as if you never want to stop because it feels incredible; you have time to get things accomplished, sit back and read a book on the sunporch, enjoy a homemade dinner with friends and still play around like a child at the fair; and you know you have an additional day to do whatever you want to do, particularly if what you want to do largely amounts to nothing of consequence in the end. Contentment stretches out before you for at least another 24 hours.
Thank you, Labor Day - sucks that summer's ending, but yay for a three-day weekend.
And yay for fairs. Yep, I said it. The questionable safety in temporary, spinning and flipping rides, the fried dough and the candy apples, the obnoxious clown you want to send into the dunk tank, the beer tents and karaoke, the promise of a prize with every play of the game.
One of the best places to people watch and see how the various walks of life come together to mingle and collectively vie for the extra ride tickets someone's trying to give away. That is, when you're not standing in line for five-ticket Freak Out ride.The first glimpses of fall. Love it. And you'll find me welcoming it in from my spot near the maple tent.
------
Today has just provided that picture-perfect day you want to freeze in time and go back to whenever you wish. The weather is warm enough, yet cool enough for comfort; your baseball team wins the afternoon game in style; you go running and feel as if you never want to stop because it feels incredible; you have time to get things accomplished, sit back and read a book on the sunporch, enjoy a homemade dinner with friends and still play around like a child at the fair; and you know you have an additional day to do whatever you want to do, particularly if what you want to do largely amounts to nothing of consequence in the end. Contentment stretches out before you for at least another 24 hours.
9.04.2005
In the cards
Perhaps the tarot reader knew what she was talking about. I'll be in Boston on Saturday, taking in the Hotel Cafe Tour show afterall.
As to the rest of what she said, we'll just have to wait and see.
She says
I know your face
But something's strange
In your eyes
Your voice I know so well
Your words I don't
Recognise
And darkness creeps
Borne on cold win
Blows my footprints away
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
The girl who falls down stairs
She calls my name
Through the air
She says I loved you once
I'd love you again
If you dare
So wipe the sleep from tiger eyes
And put this moment aside
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
Needles buzz like
Neon light and
I am stained by
This town
And all my faith gone
All maps welcome
The stairs have twisted around
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
Pull me out
Pull me out
Pull me out
- Tom McRae, "The Girl Who Falls Down Stairs"
As to the rest of what she said, we'll just have to wait and see.
She says
I know your face
But something's strange
In your eyes
Your voice I know so well
Your words I don't
Recognise
And darkness creeps
Borne on cold win
Blows my footprints away
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
The girl who falls down stairs
She calls my name
Through the air
She says I loved you once
I'd love you again
If you dare
So wipe the sleep from tiger eyes
And put this moment aside
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
Needles buzz like
Neon light and
I am stained by
This town
And all my faith gone
All maps welcome
The stairs have twisted around
And I see myself
Turn into something else
Turn into someone else
For a while
And I know I'm right
Running into this night
Running another dream to the ground
Pull me out
Pull me out
Pull me out
- Tom McRae, "The Girl Who Falls Down Stairs"
9.03.2005
...instead of knocking on my door...
I'm going to focus on this for a couple of minutes. Then I am going to resume my pre-game, get gussied up, blare Phil Collins' "Don't Lose My Number" and then hit the town. Yep.
B looked over at me as she read.
My eyebrows were raised.
"You don't think..."
I quickly hushed the thought. "No, I really don't think so."
It isn't, is it?
Can't be. Why would it be?
Nope.
So, if not, why did I feel badly as we walked down the street?
And, likewise, why did I feel a bit of indignation fire up within me? Because if it is...
Nah.
Related: a quote from "Candy Freak," the book Beth is reading. By Steve Almond.
Art is what happens when things don't work out, when you're licking your wounds. Art is, to a larger extent than people would like to think, a productive licking of the wounds.
B looked over at me as she read.
My eyebrows were raised.
"You don't think..."
I quickly hushed the thought. "No, I really don't think so."
It isn't, is it?
Can't be. Why would it be?
Nope.
So, if not, why did I feel badly as we walked down the street?
And, likewise, why did I feel a bit of indignation fire up within me? Because if it is...
Nah.
Related: a quote from "Candy Freak," the book Beth is reading. By Steve Almond.
Art is what happens when things don't work out, when you're licking your wounds. Art is, to a larger extent than people would like to think, a productive licking of the wounds.
MDFest 2k5
I'd been living a lie and I didn't even know it.
"Alright, we're going to do this once before we start. Because we've seen some pretty weak attempts over the years. And if you're not doing it right, we're going to stop, right in the middle of the song, point at you and laugh."
Glad they ran us through the steps. Because I'd been doing it wrong for years on end.
The Y was fine. As were the C and the A. But the M? I'd never done it correctly.
My mother burst into laughter as most of the people around her - myself included - adjusted to the new movement.
"So next time you're at your weddings, your bar mitzvahs, you'll do it right," the Contstruction Worker said as he stepped back into line.
Yes, last night I saw The Village People perform. And KC & the Sunshine Band.
Before Monday's Clay Aiken incident, I hadn't attended a concert at the fair since college. Sophomore year, I believe. The Goo Goo Dolls with Tonic opening (great show, for the record). But this year provided the opportunity to attend Laugh Out Loud performances to bring smiles to the faces of people I care about.
Monday. Clay Aiken. The Best Cousin Ever Show.
Friday. TVP and KC. Mother Daughter Fest 2k5. I brought my mom, B brought her mom, G somehow got suckered into attending, and we took in the sights and sounds from spots in the front row. Where the bass pulsed through the speakers so loudly that I felt it vibrating in my throat. Where my ears began to ring so loudly I honestly did have a hard time hearing well upon arriving home.
Good times? Actually, yes.
B and I laughed our way through the (surprisingly raunchy) sets, dancing and shaking the groove thangs our mamas gave us. The mamas, likewise, swayed back and forth, sang along and clapped their hands in time.
My mama does not dance. Seeing her moving about a bit was worth the price of admission. She was having fun, and it made me have that much better of a time.
As KC greeted the crowd, he commented on the fact that he had been peforming for 32 years. "For those who weren't around when we started, we were your mothers' NSYNC," he said. "So this is what Justin Timberlake is going to look like in 32 years."
Haha. Gotta love the fair.
"Alright, we're going to do this once before we start. Because we've seen some pretty weak attempts over the years. And if you're not doing it right, we're going to stop, right in the middle of the song, point at you and laugh."
Glad they ran us through the steps. Because I'd been doing it wrong for years on end.
The Y was fine. As were the C and the A. But the M? I'd never done it correctly.
My mother burst into laughter as most of the people around her - myself included - adjusted to the new movement.
"So next time you're at your weddings, your bar mitzvahs, you'll do it right," the Contstruction Worker said as he stepped back into line.
Yes, last night I saw The Village People perform. And KC & the Sunshine Band.
Before Monday's Clay Aiken incident, I hadn't attended a concert at the fair since college. Sophomore year, I believe. The Goo Goo Dolls with Tonic opening (great show, for the record). But this year provided the opportunity to attend Laugh Out Loud performances to bring smiles to the faces of people I care about.
Monday. Clay Aiken. The Best Cousin Ever Show.
Friday. TVP and KC. Mother Daughter Fest 2k5. I brought my mom, B brought her mom, G somehow got suckered into attending, and we took in the sights and sounds from spots in the front row. Where the bass pulsed through the speakers so loudly that I felt it vibrating in my throat. Where my ears began to ring so loudly I honestly did have a hard time hearing well upon arriving home.
Good times? Actually, yes.
B and I laughed our way through the (surprisingly raunchy) sets, dancing and shaking the groove thangs our mamas gave us. The mamas, likewise, swayed back and forth, sang along and clapped their hands in time.
My mama does not dance. Seeing her moving about a bit was worth the price of admission. She was having fun, and it made me have that much better of a time.
As KC greeted the crowd, he commented on the fact that he had been peforming for 32 years. "For those who weren't around when we started, we were your mothers' NSYNC," he said. "So this is what Justin Timberlake is going to look like in 32 years."
Haha. Gotta love the fair.
9.02.2005
And this is why friends rock
Myspace message. Ooh, goody.
To: V
From: [Friend]
Subject: No Subject
...HOBBES IS A STUPIDFACE THAT IS NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO STEP ON THE SAME SIDEWALK AS YOU, LET ALONE BE GOOD ENOUGH EVER TO SMOOCH YOU!...
To: [Friend]
From: V
Subject: Re: No Subject
I just totally blogged that shit, yo...
Friends are tops on my list.
But cryptic nicknames come in at a close second.
To: V
From: [Friend]
Subject: No Subject
...HOBBES IS A STUPIDFACE THAT IS NOT WORTHY ENOUGH TO STEP ON THE SAME SIDEWALK AS YOU, LET ALONE BE GOOD ENOUGH EVER TO SMOOCH YOU!...
To: [Friend]
From: V
Subject: Re: No Subject
I just totally blogged that shit, yo...
Friends are tops on my list.
But cryptic nicknames come in at a close second.
Thank goodness I was in a church and using my phone would wreak havoc on proper ettiquette.
The reverend was bringing the service to a close, and the sobs that had echoed through the space had just begun to subside. Everyone present knew they'd get louder upon arriving at the cemetery.
It was time for the "love each other" moment and I was ready for it. But what I wasn't prepared for was such an impressive delivery of the message.
As the assembly nodded and hugged each other, I stared in surprise. And my first impulse was to reach for my cell phone and make a call.
It was important! These are things that need to be shared among one another! What if something happened and I didn't get a chance!
Seriously. I was ready to call.
But wait. Location. Church. Service in session.
Not so much.
And then I came to my senses as I walked to my car.
And this, boys and girls, is why we wait when we have impulses to do something foolish. Fortunately, these impulses pass.
The reverend was bringing the service to a close, and the sobs that had echoed through the space had just begun to subside. Everyone present knew they'd get louder upon arriving at the cemetery.
It was time for the "love each other" moment and I was ready for it. But what I wasn't prepared for was such an impressive delivery of the message.
As the assembly nodded and hugged each other, I stared in surprise. And my first impulse was to reach for my cell phone and make a call.
It was important! These are things that need to be shared among one another! What if something happened and I didn't get a chance!
Seriously. I was ready to call.
But wait. Location. Church. Service in session.
Not so much.
And then I came to my senses as I walked to my car.
And this, boys and girls, is why we wait when we have impulses to do something foolish. Fortunately, these impulses pass.
9.01.2005
And yet I still occasionally drool over the Lacoste display
When did my life become dominated by polo shirts?
I packed a change of clothes into my backpack last night, after tearing myself away from the much-anticipated (seriously) re-reading of my second favorite book of all time.
I flipped through the assortment of brightly colored shirts, the kakhi pants and the black dress pants I'd recently washed, folded and put away.
Every other shirt was a polo shirt. Bright green, short sleeves. Slightly brighter green, three-quarter sleeves. Dark green, long sleeves. Turquoise. Pink. Navy blue. Stripes. Pale pink.
Some work best with a knee-length linen skirt. Others with professional clothing. Still more with jeans (much like the one I'm wearing today). The last with shorts. Each has a distinctive purpose, a different way it fits.
But when the hell did polos take over my life? I wear other things, of course, but most fall into the similar this-works-for-work-and-play category. Which caused just as much alarm.
What happened to the well-worn concert t-shirts? The simple, long-sleeved shirts?
The yuppification of my life flashed before my eyes, and I wanted to rail against the polo-button-sewing machines.
I went to sleep instead. And, upon waking, contemplated what to wear during what would be a very, very long day.
Ah, a polo shirt and jeans would be cute. Let's go with that.
Aurgh.
I packed a change of clothes into my backpack last night, after tearing myself away from the much-anticipated (seriously) re-reading of my second favorite book of all time.
I flipped through the assortment of brightly colored shirts, the kakhi pants and the black dress pants I'd recently washed, folded and put away.
Every other shirt was a polo shirt. Bright green, short sleeves. Slightly brighter green, three-quarter sleeves. Dark green, long sleeves. Turquoise. Pink. Navy blue. Stripes. Pale pink.
Some work best with a knee-length linen skirt. Others with professional clothing. Still more with jeans (much like the one I'm wearing today). The last with shorts. Each has a distinctive purpose, a different way it fits.
But when the hell did polos take over my life? I wear other things, of course, but most fall into the similar this-works-for-work-and-play category. Which caused just as much alarm.
What happened to the well-worn concert t-shirts? The simple, long-sleeved shirts?
The yuppification of my life flashed before my eyes, and I wanted to rail against the polo-button-sewing machines.
I went to sleep instead. And, upon waking, contemplated what to wear during what would be a very, very long day.
Ah, a polo shirt and jeans would be cute. Let's go with that.
Aurgh.
8.31.2005
Blondes do have more fun.
I would simply like to point out that it was my favorite Boston Red Sox player who hit not one, but two home runs to help the Sox defeat Tampa Bay tonight.(I'll downplay the fact that I thought the game was cancelled due to rain and subsequently did not see any of it. Including the two home runs, one of which supposedly bounced off the Coke bottles ABOVE the Green Monster.)
My favorite player. Kevin Millar, ladies and gentlemen.
(Photo from ESPN.com)
It's hot and humid, with condensation sticking to the windows, lampposts and awnings. A visible haze hanging over everything.
Much like the thundercloud hanging over my head. I'm glowering. Grumpy. Ready to explode.
The reports that dominate screentime on the televisions here are alternately horrific and devastating. There are the reports of more than a thousand people killed while trying to flee a supposed suicide bomber. There's the water in the South, with looters preying upon the desertion of a city and increasing devastation.
You're acutely aware of what's going on, of course, but after being innundated with the images, it's a natural reflex to want to curl up and focus on what's happening close to home. There's too much happening outside, too much sadness and intensity.
So you do curl up, retreating into the imagined bubble that is supposed to protect you from harm. And you take a look at what's going on in your life, and you realize that maybe you should focus again on what's happening to others.
Things in your life are painful when they shoudn't be, dormant when they shouldn't be, obnoxious when they shouldn't be. You feel as if you're in a funk that shouldn't exist. But things have gotten to you. And that makes all the difference.
I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in recent memory. Shortly after I turned off my lamp, a number of things finally managed to get through the thick skin I've been trying to develop. They struck me right at the nerves and I just broke down. I sobbed until my sides hurt and until I started to lose my breath. One side of my spare pillow was damp when I finally loosened my grip on it.
I forced my breathing to become steady again and then closed my eyes. I'd worn myself out from the crying and fell asleep easily.
But then I awoke and turned on the news. And realized that there would be little to force me out of the doldrums today. It looked like the cloud was going to remain over my head.
And then I stepped outside into the haze.
Much like the thundercloud hanging over my head. I'm glowering. Grumpy. Ready to explode.
The reports that dominate screentime on the televisions here are alternately horrific and devastating. There are the reports of more than a thousand people killed while trying to flee a supposed suicide bomber. There's the water in the South, with looters preying upon the desertion of a city and increasing devastation.
You're acutely aware of what's going on, of course, but after being innundated with the images, it's a natural reflex to want to curl up and focus on what's happening close to home. There's too much happening outside, too much sadness and intensity.
So you do curl up, retreating into the imagined bubble that is supposed to protect you from harm. And you take a look at what's going on in your life, and you realize that maybe you should focus again on what's happening to others.
Things in your life are painful when they shoudn't be, dormant when they shouldn't be, obnoxious when they shouldn't be. You feel as if you're in a funk that shouldn't exist. But things have gotten to you. And that makes all the difference.
I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in recent memory. Shortly after I turned off my lamp, a number of things finally managed to get through the thick skin I've been trying to develop. They struck me right at the nerves and I just broke down. I sobbed until my sides hurt and until I started to lose my breath. One side of my spare pillow was damp when I finally loosened my grip on it.
I forced my breathing to become steady again and then closed my eyes. I'd worn myself out from the crying and fell asleep easily.
But then I awoke and turned on the news. And realized that there would be little to force me out of the doldrums today. It looked like the cloud was going to remain over my head.
And then I stepped outside into the haze.
8.30.2005
The First Day
I hate having shit to say and not knowing how the hell to get it out. I'm a so-called writer, for Christ's sake - I should know how to just get it down onto the page.
There's a button-down shirt hanging in the other room, a tie loosely knotted and dangling from the hanger. For some, tomorrow brings The First Day, a new return to familiar places. I imagine the experience to be much of the same, only different - covered with the glossy, somewhat jittery sheen of new backpacks, fresh notebooks and unchewed pen caps.
The thoughts of a first day have been on my mind with increasing frequency the last couple of weeks, as the calendar days have crept closer to August 30. I don't know why this time of year has affected me moreso this year than the previous two, if not only because there's supposedly a comforting cushion of time between today and back then.
Regardless, the arrival of August 30 brings with it some reflection and a surprising number of anxiety pangs. And the realization that I really shouldn't spill my guts about it all on here, but that I don't really know what I would write anyway, were I to put my pen to a lined piece of paper.
A lot has changed between now and then. Mostly for the better. But I can't pretend that I don't sometimes still think about it all.
I remember sitting in my mother's recliner, looking at the suitcases and wondering what the hell lay in store for me. I wish I could have known then what I know now, but had I, I wonder if I would have gotten on the plane.
Dear Me Then:
Everything turns out pretty OK in the end.
You'll meet some cool people. You'll meet some people who seem amazing at the time, but watch out for them. They'll make you want to cry every now and then.
You'll fall in love with neighborhoods, you'll love the new nightlife about to introduce itself to you. You're going to learn just how quickly politcal affiliation becomes a deal-breaker. It matters. You'll laugh over how much it does.
You'll have a horrible hangover the first morning you wake up in your new place.
You are going to see how things work from the other side, and you're going to have a chance to learn from the best. Some lessons you'll pick up right away, others seep into your being with much more subtlety.
You're going to discover this amazing place where they make the best Mexican ever. Go there often. You'll get the occasional meal on the house. Actually, know what? Eat at a lot of places. Just eat. Please. Thank you.
Keep on writing. You'll need to look back on this sometimes.
Limit your running to once every other day, please. You'll thank me for this later.
Flirt outrageously with HGC. You'll have fun. And when you meet the hot staffer and you introduce yourselves to each other, remember his name right away. Just trust me on this one. It will spare you embarrassment.
Go to concerts. Don't save all your money and miss out on some amazing experiences. You still sometimes feel as if you're playing catchup three years later.
Your good friends from home will remain good friends, although you might have some rough patches. Bring a rainjacket with you if you go anywhere on November 12. You'll need it.
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT drunk dial anyone when you go to celebrate your birthday. And, related, he will not call you back. Ever. OK? Get over it.
Spend as much time in the National Gallery as you can. You'll love it there and miss it later.
Be scared. Seriously. There are some rough times ahead for you. But know what? You're strong. And you're capable. And through it all, even when you want to give up, you know that you can make it through. And you do. You wind up with some of the things you want in the end.
But of course, you're never satisfied with that. Because you're me. And that's what we do.
Have fun. Learn from this. And remember what I said about the running.
Love,
Me Now
There's a button-down shirt hanging in the other room, a tie loosely knotted and dangling from the hanger. For some, tomorrow brings The First Day, a new return to familiar places. I imagine the experience to be much of the same, only different - covered with the glossy, somewhat jittery sheen of new backpacks, fresh notebooks and unchewed pen caps.
The thoughts of a first day have been on my mind with increasing frequency the last couple of weeks, as the calendar days have crept closer to August 30. I don't know why this time of year has affected me moreso this year than the previous two, if not only because there's supposedly a comforting cushion of time between today and back then.
Regardless, the arrival of August 30 brings with it some reflection and a surprising number of anxiety pangs. And the realization that I really shouldn't spill my guts about it all on here, but that I don't really know what I would write anyway, were I to put my pen to a lined piece of paper.
A lot has changed between now and then. Mostly for the better. But I can't pretend that I don't sometimes still think about it all.
I remember sitting in my mother's recliner, looking at the suitcases and wondering what the hell lay in store for me. I wish I could have known then what I know now, but had I, I wonder if I would have gotten on the plane.
Dear Me Then:
Everything turns out pretty OK in the end.
You'll meet some cool people. You'll meet some people who seem amazing at the time, but watch out for them. They'll make you want to cry every now and then.
You'll fall in love with neighborhoods, you'll love the new nightlife about to introduce itself to you. You're going to learn just how quickly politcal affiliation becomes a deal-breaker. It matters. You'll laugh over how much it does.
You'll have a horrible hangover the first morning you wake up in your new place.
You are going to see how things work from the other side, and you're going to have a chance to learn from the best. Some lessons you'll pick up right away, others seep into your being with much more subtlety.
You're going to discover this amazing place where they make the best Mexican ever. Go there often. You'll get the occasional meal on the house. Actually, know what? Eat at a lot of places. Just eat. Please. Thank you.
Keep on writing. You'll need to look back on this sometimes.
Limit your running to once every other day, please. You'll thank me for this later.
Flirt outrageously with HGC. You'll have fun. And when you meet the hot staffer and you introduce yourselves to each other, remember his name right away. Just trust me on this one. It will spare you embarrassment.
Go to concerts. Don't save all your money and miss out on some amazing experiences. You still sometimes feel as if you're playing catchup three years later.
Your good friends from home will remain good friends, although you might have some rough patches. Bring a rainjacket with you if you go anywhere on November 12. You'll need it.
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT drunk dial anyone when you go to celebrate your birthday. And, related, he will not call you back. Ever. OK? Get over it.
Spend as much time in the National Gallery as you can. You'll love it there and miss it later.
Be scared. Seriously. There are some rough times ahead for you. But know what? You're strong. And you're capable. And through it all, even when you want to give up, you know that you can make it through. And you do. You wind up with some of the things you want in the end.
But of course, you're never satisfied with that. Because you're me. And that's what we do.
Have fun. Learn from this. And remember what I said about the running.
Love,
Me Now
A state, a date and some neon - oh my!
If I hear one more guy - actually, no, anyone - cover "I Can't Make You Love Me" before the end of this calendar year, I might go mad.
The best version was the first I heard this year, and the quality level has just been dropping rapidly since.
Clay Aiken's rendition signifies that the shark has been jumped. A long time ago.
No more, please.
Anyway.
A review of Clay Aiken's musical medley extravaganza last night will follow later today, when I have the opportunity to sit down and devote some wit - er, time - to it, but know that I survived and that Chloe had a very good time at her first concert.
A very good, very shriek-filled time. Which made for amusing times for myself and Saintly Flatmate Elizabeth. Truth be told, I had fun. And there are now many photographs. Many of which will be pulled off the shelves at family reunions for years to come.
But I will note that Aiken's drummer made many a Vermonter cringe when he made reference to the state as a city; I also believe that Aiken is into voyeurism, as he decided to change costume on stage on several occasions. Dude was just asking for a wardrobe malfunction so he could get caught onstage in a compromising situation. Would have been funny. Pity.
Oh, and did you know I supposedly went on a date with J?
I know. I didn't realize it either.
Apparently, to a 12-year-old, being one member of a group all drinking at the same time constitutes a date.
Who knew it was that easy?
God forbid I tell her I actually carried on, you know, a conversation with similar fellows. She'd have me married off, barefoot and pregnant in her mind.
And finally, click on the images to go to the rest of the set:
The best version was the first I heard this year, and the quality level has just been dropping rapidly since.
Clay Aiken's rendition signifies that the shark has been jumped. A long time ago.
No more, please.
Anyway.
A review of Clay Aiken's musical medley extravaganza last night will follow later today, when I have the opportunity to sit down and devote some wit - er, time - to it, but know that I survived and that Chloe had a very good time at her first concert.
A very good, very shriek-filled time. Which made for amusing times for myself and Saintly Flatmate Elizabeth. Truth be told, I had fun. And there are now many photographs. Many of which will be pulled off the shelves at family reunions for years to come.
But I will note that Aiken's drummer made many a Vermonter cringe when he made reference to the state as a city; I also believe that Aiken is into voyeurism, as he decided to change costume on stage on several occasions. Dude was just asking for a wardrobe malfunction so he could get caught onstage in a compromising situation. Would have been funny. Pity.
Oh, and did you know I supposedly went on a date with J?
I know. I didn't realize it either.
Apparently, to a 12-year-old, being one member of a group all drinking at the same time constitutes a date.
Who knew it was that easy?
God forbid I tell her I actually carried on, you know, a conversation with similar fellows. She'd have me married off, barefoot and pregnant in her mind.
And finally, click on the images to go to the rest of the set:
8.29.2005
Guster is for lovers.
This post originally included little more than, "Holy shit. Guster. Two shows" and a whole lot of exclamation points.
Now that the initial excitement has become a warm, Guster-fuzzy feeling in my stomach, I can be a little more mature.
THUNDERGOD IS COMING BACK TO BURLINGTON! YIPPEEEEE!
Seriously, though. Guster is one of my favorite bands to see live. And yes, it's only been about a year since I saw them last - and yes, it was an outstanding set. But that was a set featuring two of my other favorites, and the co-headlining aspect of the tour meant shorter sets for all involved. And that was only one show.
We're getting two...
It's been about two years since the wig gig in Burlington, and more than four since that first show - I've been missing discussions of "Champy" and recollections of Club Toast.
It will be great to have Guster back in town.
Now that the initial excitement has become a warm, Guster-fuzzy feeling in my stomach, I can be a little more mature.
THUNDERGOD IS COMING BACK TO BURLINGTON! YIPPEEEEE!
Seriously, though. Guster is one of my favorite bands to see live. And yes, it's only been about a year since I saw them last - and yes, it was an outstanding set. But that was a set featuring two of my other favorites, and the co-headlining aspect of the tour meant shorter sets for all involved. And that was only one show.
We're getting two...
It's been about two years since the wig gig in Burlington, and more than four since that first show - I've been missing discussions of "Champy" and recollections of Club Toast.
It will be great to have Guster back in town.
I've spent much of the morning trying to get back in touch with my 10-year-old self.
I was surprised - and a little disappointed - that the plain white envelope had been set aside by my parents on Christmas morning. They handed it to me after I'd opened the cool presents, and I thought of it more as an afterthought than anything else. What amazingly awesome thing would fit into a little envelope?
I was confused when I opened it to find a New Kids on the Block sticker. I screamed when my parents told me what it signified.
My uncle was stationed at that point in Newport News, Virigina, and he was living on base with my aunt and two cousins - who were three and one years older than I was. NKOTB was playing in Richmond in March. They had bought me a ticket. All that stood between me and Joe (I refused to call him Joey or Joey Joe) McIntyre was a few months and about 600 miles.
When the appropriate amount of time crept by, my father and I climbed into the car and embarked on the trip. I could have slept and made the trip pass by faster, but I instead stared out the window at the scenes changing around me. The ride to Massachusetts was easy by this point, but this was four Massachusetts trips wrapped up into one. Twelve hours. And, because I didn't know at that point how tours worked, I wanted to be sure I could see the New Kids tour bus, should it amble by us on the highway.
A truck driver spotted on the Garden State Parkway traveled the same route into Virginia, and he began to wave to me each time he would see my inquisitive face peeking out the window. I got him to lay on the horn as we made our circut around D.C., and my dad laughed as I let off a peal of laughter.
Nina, Nikki and I were uncontrollable bundles of jitters the day of the show, and the adults tried to calm us with a trip to the mall. It might have worked, had we not discovered a huge collection of New Kids shirts on display at one of the stores. My father bought me a Joe shirt in all of its oversized glory - Joe's slightly blurred black and white face accented by squiggles of neon blue and pink. Ah, 1990 style. He asked if I was going to wear it to the show, and I very seriously replied that I would not. I was not going to show favortism against the other four; I was going to wear the shirt my grandfather had given me for Christmas.
I don't remember much about the trip to the actual show, although I did win the respect of those standing in line around me after I explained that I was from Vermont. I was the ultimate Blockhead - a nickname that amuses me all the more now. Those with four-hour return trips awaiting them glowered at me. I practically strutted into the venue.
I did not cry, although I wanted to, as we heard the "Let's give it up for the five hardest working kids in show biz...the N-N-N-New Kids oooooooooooon the Block!" The driving beat for "My Favorite Girl" kicked in and I was shouting, singing and dancing for a good solid two hours. I remember the sparkly jackets during "This One's For the Children," Joe's leather jacket with white music notes, the shouts of "Hey, hey, I feel alright, one time..." and Joe trying to belt out "Please Don't Go Girl" post-voice change.
I remember walking out with ringing ears and the biggest smile on my face I'd ever had; the drive back the next day was peppered with stories that began with, "And then Joe did THE CRAZIEST THING...And Donnie was INSANE...And Danny was BREAKDANCING during..."
I never entertained the notion that such stories would not leave someone absolutely amazed.
Which is why, although I know tonight's performer won't be able to come even remotely close to the experience I had courtesy of five guys from Boston, I'm ready for the post-show stories that will bubble out of my 12-year-old cousin this evening. I know she's riding with my parents (saints that they are to transport a pre-teen on such a venture) on the highway right now, probably looking out the window, willing for the time to pass by faster.
Because she's meeting up with my flatmate and I, and then we're going to see Clay (I won't add the usual expletive today) Aiken tonight. It's her first concert. I'm bringing my camera. Years from now, she'll laugh when she sees photos of her 12-year-old self, raptly singing along.
I was surprised - and a little disappointed - that the plain white envelope had been set aside by my parents on Christmas morning. They handed it to me after I'd opened the cool presents, and I thought of it more as an afterthought than anything else. What amazingly awesome thing would fit into a little envelope?
I was confused when I opened it to find a New Kids on the Block sticker. I screamed when my parents told me what it signified.
My uncle was stationed at that point in Newport News, Virigina, and he was living on base with my aunt and two cousins - who were three and one years older than I was. NKOTB was playing in Richmond in March. They had bought me a ticket. All that stood between me and Joe (I refused to call him Joey or Joey Joe) McIntyre was a few months and about 600 miles.
When the appropriate amount of time crept by, my father and I climbed into the car and embarked on the trip. I could have slept and made the trip pass by faster, but I instead stared out the window at the scenes changing around me. The ride to Massachusetts was easy by this point, but this was four Massachusetts trips wrapped up into one. Twelve hours. And, because I didn't know at that point how tours worked, I wanted to be sure I could see the New Kids tour bus, should it amble by us on the highway.
A truck driver spotted on the Garden State Parkway traveled the same route into Virginia, and he began to wave to me each time he would see my inquisitive face peeking out the window. I got him to lay on the horn as we made our circut around D.C., and my dad laughed as I let off a peal of laughter.
Nina, Nikki and I were uncontrollable bundles of jitters the day of the show, and the adults tried to calm us with a trip to the mall. It might have worked, had we not discovered a huge collection of New Kids shirts on display at one of the stores. My father bought me a Joe shirt in all of its oversized glory - Joe's slightly blurred black and white face accented by squiggles of neon blue and pink. Ah, 1990 style. He asked if I was going to wear it to the show, and I very seriously replied that I would not. I was not going to show favortism against the other four; I was going to wear the shirt my grandfather had given me for Christmas.
I don't remember much about the trip to the actual show, although I did win the respect of those standing in line around me after I explained that I was from Vermont. I was the ultimate Blockhead - a nickname that amuses me all the more now. Those with four-hour return trips awaiting them glowered at me. I practically strutted into the venue.
I did not cry, although I wanted to, as we heard the "Let's give it up for the five hardest working kids in show biz...the N-N-N-New Kids oooooooooooon the Block!" The driving beat for "My Favorite Girl" kicked in and I was shouting, singing and dancing for a good solid two hours. I remember the sparkly jackets during "This One's For the Children," Joe's leather jacket with white music notes, the shouts of "Hey, hey, I feel alright, one time..." and Joe trying to belt out "Please Don't Go Girl" post-voice change.
I remember walking out with ringing ears and the biggest smile on my face I'd ever had; the drive back the next day was peppered with stories that began with, "And then Joe did THE CRAZIEST THING...And Donnie was INSANE...And Danny was BREAKDANCING during..."
I never entertained the notion that such stories would not leave someone absolutely amazed.
Which is why, although I know tonight's performer won't be able to come even remotely close to the experience I had courtesy of five guys from Boston, I'm ready for the post-show stories that will bubble out of my 12-year-old cousin this evening. I know she's riding with my parents (saints that they are to transport a pre-teen on such a venture) on the highway right now, probably looking out the window, willing for the time to pass by faster.
Because she's meeting up with my flatmate and I, and then we're going to see Clay (I won't add the usual expletive today) Aiken tonight. It's her first concert. I'm bringing my camera. Years from now, she'll laugh when she sees photos of her 12-year-old self, raptly singing along.
8.28.2005
In Retrospect
I was trying to keep my brave face on, although everything was making me cry.
I'd gotten my new driver's license, a sharp new pair of glasses and a haircut. Most of my things were packed, although I would only be bringing four suitcases with me upon leaving. The rest would arrive when my family made the 10-hour car ride a few weeks later.
I'd done as much as I could to prepare for greeting new faces and sights; I was to spend the last couple of days saying goodbye to that which was familiar.
I spent the 28th laughing and ignoring the ticking clock. I was in Massachusetts, spending a day or two with M and her family - my adopted second family. We lounged about and chatted; they bolstered my apparently shaky confidence with assurances that I was going to have an amazing experience in the new city.
I tried to believe them. I was excited, to be sure, but scared to death. That I was in the Boston area - the runner-up in the "Where Is V Going To Start Out" pageant - made it easier and harder at the same time. I knew I wanted to be there ultimately - but would I discover later that I'd made the wrong decision, that I was supposed to be there now?
M and I drove to Cambridge in the evening, parking near the blue house that held inside it a venue I'd never been to before. I grinned upon seeing strong wooden beams and gleaming floorboards when we walked in. A litte dinner downstairs, then we climbed up the stairs to the performance space above. I felt as if I had stepped into some unknown barn as I looked up to the bare rafters and stepped across the wooden floor.
The crowd was larger than the other performance I'd attended, and it felt strange to have to jostle for a good vantage point. The audience members around me surprised me as they sang along to nearly ever song - I was happy to join in. The bright, excited smiles looking back at us from the stage made me realize how happy I was to be there. M laughed from her spot next to me; it was the perfect way to prepare for the new venture. I was going out with a song and a smile.
We waited when the show ended. I was hugged, we chatted and I tried to downplay the nervousness that I'd been able to forget for a couple of hours. It was starting to creep back in. I was introduced to several people and focused instead on keeping a polite, bright smile on my face.
I tried to blink back tears as we left. It was partly because I had no idea when I would again see someone I had just begun to get to know, but M knew the tears were less for him than for the process I was beginning to undertake.
That was my first official goodbye. And the hardest ones were still to come, and there would be a series of them within the following 24 hours. It had finally begun to hit me.
From back then:
and the colors are much brighter now
it's like they really want to tell the truth
we give our testimony to the end of the summer
it's the end of the summer,
you can spin the light to gold.
- dar williams (thanks beth)
I'd gotten my new driver's license, a sharp new pair of glasses and a haircut. Most of my things were packed, although I would only be bringing four suitcases with me upon leaving. The rest would arrive when my family made the 10-hour car ride a few weeks later.
I'd done as much as I could to prepare for greeting new faces and sights; I was to spend the last couple of days saying goodbye to that which was familiar.
I spent the 28th laughing and ignoring the ticking clock. I was in Massachusetts, spending a day or two with M and her family - my adopted second family. We lounged about and chatted; they bolstered my apparently shaky confidence with assurances that I was going to have an amazing experience in the new city.
I tried to believe them. I was excited, to be sure, but scared to death. That I was in the Boston area - the runner-up in the "Where Is V Going To Start Out" pageant - made it easier and harder at the same time. I knew I wanted to be there ultimately - but would I discover later that I'd made the wrong decision, that I was supposed to be there now?
M and I drove to Cambridge in the evening, parking near the blue house that held inside it a venue I'd never been to before. I grinned upon seeing strong wooden beams and gleaming floorboards when we walked in. A litte dinner downstairs, then we climbed up the stairs to the performance space above. I felt as if I had stepped into some unknown barn as I looked up to the bare rafters and stepped across the wooden floor.
The crowd was larger than the other performance I'd attended, and it felt strange to have to jostle for a good vantage point. The audience members around me surprised me as they sang along to nearly ever song - I was happy to join in. The bright, excited smiles looking back at us from the stage made me realize how happy I was to be there. M laughed from her spot next to me; it was the perfect way to prepare for the new venture. I was going out with a song and a smile.
We waited when the show ended. I was hugged, we chatted and I tried to downplay the nervousness that I'd been able to forget for a couple of hours. It was starting to creep back in. I was introduced to several people and focused instead on keeping a polite, bright smile on my face.
I tried to blink back tears as we left. It was partly because I had no idea when I would again see someone I had just begun to get to know, but M knew the tears were less for him than for the process I was beginning to undertake.
That was my first official goodbye. And the hardest ones were still to come, and there would be a series of them within the following 24 hours. It had finally begun to hit me.
From back then:
and the colors are much brighter now
it's like they really want to tell the truth
we give our testimony to the end of the summer
it's the end of the summer,
you can spin the light to gold.
- dar williams (thanks beth)
8.27.2005
Yin & Yang
The college kids have come back, so Burlington has been flooded by 12,000 youngsters looking for something - and someone - to do. I specifically avoided many of the places I've enjoyed during the brief summer respite. The first college weekend is craziness, and I am willing to give up my haunts for a short period of time. But next weekend? Oh, game on.
So I took to the places kids either don't know of or - much to my chagrin - the places they can't afford.
Not that I can, either, but I can fake it for the sake of sipping a Saturday night cocktail with friends in relative peace.
I was at such a place this evening, drinking a Stoli Raz and Sprite (a drink that brings back interesting college memories of my own, oddly enough) when an acquaintance of my friend switched subjects, unleashing one of the most unexpected, brilliant monologues I've ever heard. Even trying to recapture it won't do it justice.
We forget that we're adults, that we have control over our destinies. There's fear, there's skepticism, there's a sense that we're not going to be able to accomplish what we want to do, so we don't even try. It's too late, we say. But know what? Fuck that. It's never too fucking late. The majority of the people who make it in whatever they want to do? They didn't start out on this track and just keep shooting up. They realized that whatever they were doing wasn't something that satisfied them. They decided to turn things around and follow their passion. They worked. And they did it. And it doesn't matter if you're 28. 32. 40. Fuck it, if someone's 80 and they want to do it, they can do it. It's your mindset. It's not some fucking god-given right to be a success. You make your destiny. Not anyone else. And it's NEVER too late. There are NEVER factors beyond your control. Take those fucking factors and turn them around in your favor. And if they're tough, you work them until you beat them. And then you join the ranks of those who have made it. And you appreciate it. Seriously.
I proposed a toast, and the three of us clinked our glasses with determined gusto. That first sip afterwards - it tasted divine.
-----------
I was still thinking about what he said as I made the walk home. Up Church, over to Pearl, crossing the various side streets until I would ultimately reach my little domesticated spot. I tried to ignore the college kiddies running about with glee.
Hey, I remember how it was to return to Burlington ready to take on the classes, the parties and - by partway through senior year - the bars. Can't fault them for what I thought of doing myself, right?
Which is why we'd played along with the guys who tried telling us that the bar to which we were walking had closed. "Oh really? I mean, it does look a little dark, but the music sounds loud, did they forget to turn off the PA? Yeah, we might be here for a bit. Mmmmhmmm..."
So, as I made my way home, I ignored the first "Hey, beautiful. How you doin?"
I walked right past the "Hey, sexy thang."
I only rolled my eyes at the driveby, "Hiiiiiii there, little lady."
But I have to admit that I did burst into laughter after walking past a porch full of (really young-looking) guys, the most brazen of whom actually hooted. Like he was calling to a golden retriever. "Hooo! Baby girl! You! The one walking by! Hoooo!"
Honey.
That wouldn't have even worked on me when I was a co-ed.
And it won't get me to go out and buy you beer.
Sorry, sweetie.
It felt good, if not a little strange, to realize that I was happy to be a grownup.
-----------
Hospital update: My brother is fine. Well, it turns out that he does have strep, so it was good that he went to get it checked out. But he has antibiotics and has assured me that he's going to rest up and take care of himself so he's back and healthy as quickly as possible.
He told me he'd made a stop at the store earlier today, where he picked up necessary items for a low-key recovery night.
Ginger Ale.
Soft bread.
And the Luden's wild cherry cough drops.
Love it.
-----------
And finally, in news I would include (or not include) in a more witty, charismatic manner had I not partaken in previously mentioned cocktails, I had a fabulous day.
- Margaritas in the middle of the afternoon? Why not? It was hot out and there was an open outdoor table. Lovely.
- I partook in something in which I hadn't partaken in about five years. Memories of the Playhouse summer flooded back.
- My toes are now cute, adorable and accented with a lovely shade of corally orange. Pedicures are fun. Massage chairs are heavenly, although the kneeding conducted electronically on my back brought back memories of theater festival massages. A has finally been bumped down to the second hardest massage I've ever received. My birthday is in early November. Feel free to start pooling together funds to buy me a massage chair for a gift.
- I finally bought myself a copy of my second favorite book. If the weather forecasts for tomorrow are accurrate, "East of Eden" will be devoured (again) from a prime spot in the sunporch tomorrow (along with the latest issue of "Under the Radar"). Orange toes and Steinbeck? Life's pretty damn grand.
So I took to the places kids either don't know of or - much to my chagrin - the places they can't afford.
Not that I can, either, but I can fake it for the sake of sipping a Saturday night cocktail with friends in relative peace.
I was at such a place this evening, drinking a Stoli Raz and Sprite (a drink that brings back interesting college memories of my own, oddly enough) when an acquaintance of my friend switched subjects, unleashing one of the most unexpected, brilliant monologues I've ever heard. Even trying to recapture it won't do it justice.
We forget that we're adults, that we have control over our destinies. There's fear, there's skepticism, there's a sense that we're not going to be able to accomplish what we want to do, so we don't even try. It's too late, we say. But know what? Fuck that. It's never too fucking late. The majority of the people who make it in whatever they want to do? They didn't start out on this track and just keep shooting up. They realized that whatever they were doing wasn't something that satisfied them. They decided to turn things around and follow their passion. They worked. And they did it. And it doesn't matter if you're 28. 32. 40. Fuck it, if someone's 80 and they want to do it, they can do it. It's your mindset. It's not some fucking god-given right to be a success. You make your destiny. Not anyone else. And it's NEVER too late. There are NEVER factors beyond your control. Take those fucking factors and turn them around in your favor. And if they're tough, you work them until you beat them. And then you join the ranks of those who have made it. And you appreciate it. Seriously.
I proposed a toast, and the three of us clinked our glasses with determined gusto. That first sip afterwards - it tasted divine.
-----------
I was still thinking about what he said as I made the walk home. Up Church, over to Pearl, crossing the various side streets until I would ultimately reach my little domesticated spot. I tried to ignore the college kiddies running about with glee.
Hey, I remember how it was to return to Burlington ready to take on the classes, the parties and - by partway through senior year - the bars. Can't fault them for what I thought of doing myself, right?
Which is why we'd played along with the guys who tried telling us that the bar to which we were walking had closed. "Oh really? I mean, it does look a little dark, but the music sounds loud, did they forget to turn off the PA? Yeah, we might be here for a bit. Mmmmhmmm..."
So, as I made my way home, I ignored the first "Hey, beautiful. How you doin?"
I walked right past the "Hey, sexy thang."
I only rolled my eyes at the driveby, "Hiiiiiii there, little lady."
But I have to admit that I did burst into laughter after walking past a porch full of (really young-looking) guys, the most brazen of whom actually hooted. Like he was calling to a golden retriever. "Hooo! Baby girl! You! The one walking by! Hoooo!"
Honey.
That wouldn't have even worked on me when I was a co-ed.
And it won't get me to go out and buy you beer.
Sorry, sweetie.
It felt good, if not a little strange, to realize that I was happy to be a grownup.
-----------
Hospital update: My brother is fine. Well, it turns out that he does have strep, so it was good that he went to get it checked out. But he has antibiotics and has assured me that he's going to rest up and take care of himself so he's back and healthy as quickly as possible.
He told me he'd made a stop at the store earlier today, where he picked up necessary items for a low-key recovery night.
Ginger Ale.
Soft bread.
And the Luden's wild cherry cough drops.
Love it.
-----------
And finally, in news I would include (or not include) in a more witty, charismatic manner had I not partaken in previously mentioned cocktails, I had a fabulous day.
- Margaritas in the middle of the afternoon? Why not? It was hot out and there was an open outdoor table. Lovely.
- I partook in something in which I hadn't partaken in about five years. Memories of the Playhouse summer flooded back.
- My toes are now cute, adorable and accented with a lovely shade of corally orange. Pedicures are fun. Massage chairs are heavenly, although the kneeding conducted electronically on my back brought back memories of theater festival massages. A has finally been bumped down to the second hardest massage I've ever received. My birthday is in early November. Feel free to start pooling together funds to buy me a massage chair for a gift.
- I finally bought myself a copy of my second favorite book. If the weather forecasts for tomorrow are accurrate, "East of Eden" will be devoured (again) from a prime spot in the sunporch tomorrow (along with the latest issue of "Under the Radar"). Orange toes and Steinbeck? Life's pretty damn grand.
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