time for a few surveys ...
first, the friday five from this past weekend.
1. how are you planning to spend the summer [winter]?
well, working, enjoying myself and, for right now, focusing on getting healthy, spending time with friends and figuring out what i'm going to do next.
2. what was your first summer job?
summer of '96. a naive 15-year-old enters the realm of ronald mcdonald and the twisted world that turns beneath the golden arches.
3. if you could go anywhere this summer [winter], where would you go?
hmm ... i'm pretty content where i'm at right now.
4. what was your worst vacation ever?
i don't think i've had any really BAD vacations, to be honest ... the worst short leisure activity was third grade, when my class went on a whale watch and we were caught in a huge storm and the boat almost capsized ...
5. what was your best vacation ever?
i was in seventh grade when the fam went to florida. disney world, an orlando magic game and a trip to kennedy space center. it was awesome.
and now, stolen from my brother ...
1.) what was your fav 80's cartoon?
it was all about the smurfs. and while i have no recollection of actually watching the cartoon, i used to LOVE rainbow brite - i dressed up as her one year and had all of the dolls and books and whatnot. so i'm going to assume that i loved that as well. in the later 80s, one must give props to jem as well!
2) what did you dress up as the last time you went trick or treating?
the last time i went trick or treating, i was dressed as a little kid, pjs, pigtails, pacifier, etc. that was freshman year of college. the last time i dressed up for halloween, it was a two-night affair - one night i was little red riding hood, the second night i was a flower child.
3)if you could be an inatimate object, what would you be?
this opens up so many possibilities ... i think i'd go with a guitar.
4) when did you realize that you didn't believe in god?
i don't know what i believe when it comes to religion, so i can't say i don't necessarily believe in god or a god-like being ... but i can't say i do, either. let's just say i've decided that there are other things, tangible things i can figure out, that i can spend more of my energy figuring out.
5) would you rather die by drowing, being hanged, being beheaded, or shot in the head? why?
wow, the feel-good question of the survey ... if i was guaranteed to die, i'd want to be shot in the head from behind - that is, being completely unaware that it was going to happen. i don't want to know that i'm dying - i'd much rather die suddenly, without fear and without wasting away.
6.30.2003
6.25.2003
well, ok, i'm almost bound for bed. but i can't pass up these damn survey things. they're like my reality tv addiction.
1. what's your favorite cheese? con queso. hehehe. ;-)
2. how long do you hold onto odd socks before giving up on finding their mate? it ultimately comes down to a basic reality - the second i get rid of the mateless sock, the mate shows up. so i hold onto them for awhile - i always wind up with a little collection of them. kind of like the island of misfit toys from the claymation rudolph tv show, if you know what i'm referencing.
3. who was your favorite musical artist when you were 15? hmm ... i can't remember ... that would have been sophomore year of high school? at that point, i believe i was in my country phase - might have been tim mcgraw or garth brooks. but at that point i was listening to all sorts of random stuff, so you can also throw weezer into the mix.
4. what shape are your fingernails in right now? ah, i wish i'd been asked before the return flight. not the greatest, i must admit.
5. two scoops: of what? how appropriate, as i initiated operation i this evening, rounding up my family and taking us to seward's - hey, it was for medicinal purposes. so as of tonight, it was strawberry frozen yogurt in frappe form.
6. what's your earliest memory? i'm not sure which came first, but my two earliest memories are the hospital room where my mother stayed after giving birth to my brother (green walls and a white streamlined phone that i was fascinated with) and lying on the rust-colored carpet in the living room of our house in middleton (massachusetts) - both of which date back to the age of two and a half.
7. when does your pet look funniest? when it's imaginary. as it is now.
8. what do you collect? memories and anecdotes, photographs, concert posters. at times, shot glasses.
9. what's better than sex? how many people do you think answer this with "chocolate"? i bet zillions do ...
10. what things are you brand-loyal to? chicken fajita burritos, man. ;-)
11. favorite dr. seuss book? while i connect with "oh the places you'll go!", i had an experience in junior high involving "the zorax" that rendered it my favorite - and i think it always will be. although i must say i've always been more of a shel silverstein girl.
12. best meal you've had lately? hmm ... i've had quite a few, courtesy of vegas ... probably dinner at either bally's or the golden nugget. buffets with endless quantities of tasty options.
13. peanut butter and ________? it was always preferrably pb and fluff. or, more appropriately, it was fluff with a hint of peanut butter. but i haven't had a pb & ___ sandwich in eons.
14. who's your favorite poet? sylvia plath.
15. where are you going on vacation this year? did i mention that i was having a lovely time in las vegas at this point a week ago? and that i'm currently vacationing (sort of) in vermont at this moment in time?
16. if you could change careers tomorrow with no strings attached, what would you be? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. make me lois lane.
17. whaddya drive? when in vt, trusty red (my green saturn sl1). when in dc, an imaginary flinstones car.
18. what's your poison? arsenic. if that's not available, vodka or midori.
19. the color of the carpet or the kind of floor in the room you are sitting in right now. wood floors painted a slate blue.
20. what's on your walls? which walls? the walls of the room i'm in right now? endless punk rock posters (i'm in my brother's room). in my vt room? not much of anything at the moment. in my dc room? various pieces of framed artwork (including some french posters and a van gogh), photographs and theatre mementos. as well as particularly meaningful cards and whatnot. basically, my memories are on my walls there.
1. what's your favorite cheese? con queso. hehehe. ;-)
2. how long do you hold onto odd socks before giving up on finding their mate? it ultimately comes down to a basic reality - the second i get rid of the mateless sock, the mate shows up. so i hold onto them for awhile - i always wind up with a little collection of them. kind of like the island of misfit toys from the claymation rudolph tv show, if you know what i'm referencing.
3. who was your favorite musical artist when you were 15? hmm ... i can't remember ... that would have been sophomore year of high school? at that point, i believe i was in my country phase - might have been tim mcgraw or garth brooks. but at that point i was listening to all sorts of random stuff, so you can also throw weezer into the mix.
4. what shape are your fingernails in right now? ah, i wish i'd been asked before the return flight. not the greatest, i must admit.
5. two scoops: of what? how appropriate, as i initiated operation i this evening, rounding up my family and taking us to seward's - hey, it was for medicinal purposes. so as of tonight, it was strawberry frozen yogurt in frappe form.
6. what's your earliest memory? i'm not sure which came first, but my two earliest memories are the hospital room where my mother stayed after giving birth to my brother (green walls and a white streamlined phone that i was fascinated with) and lying on the rust-colored carpet in the living room of our house in middleton (massachusetts) - both of which date back to the age of two and a half.
7. when does your pet look funniest? when it's imaginary. as it is now.
8. what do you collect? memories and anecdotes, photographs, concert posters. at times, shot glasses.
9. what's better than sex? how many people do you think answer this with "chocolate"? i bet zillions do ...
10. what things are you brand-loyal to? chicken fajita burritos, man. ;-)
11. favorite dr. seuss book? while i connect with "oh the places you'll go!", i had an experience in junior high involving "the zorax" that rendered it my favorite - and i think it always will be. although i must say i've always been more of a shel silverstein girl.
12. best meal you've had lately? hmm ... i've had quite a few, courtesy of vegas ... probably dinner at either bally's or the golden nugget. buffets with endless quantities of tasty options.
13. peanut butter and ________? it was always preferrably pb and fluff. or, more appropriately, it was fluff with a hint of peanut butter. but i haven't had a pb & ___ sandwich in eons.
14. who's your favorite poet? sylvia plath.
15. where are you going on vacation this year? did i mention that i was having a lovely time in las vegas at this point a week ago? and that i'm currently vacationing (sort of) in vermont at this moment in time?
16. if you could change careers tomorrow with no strings attached, what would you be? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. make me lois lane.
17. whaddya drive? when in vt, trusty red (my green saturn sl1). when in dc, an imaginary flinstones car.
18. what's your poison? arsenic. if that's not available, vodka or midori.
19. the color of the carpet or the kind of floor in the room you are sitting in right now. wood floors painted a slate blue.
20. what's on your walls? which walls? the walls of the room i'm in right now? endless punk rock posters (i'm in my brother's room). in my vt room? not much of anything at the moment. in my dc room? various pieces of framed artwork (including some french posters and a van gogh), photographs and theatre mementos. as well as particularly meaningful cards and whatnot. basically, my memories are on my walls there.
6.24.2003
.....because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.....
- jack kerouac -- "on the road"
haha - thought i disappeared, didn't you? fear not, i'm still kicking, albeit in vermont at the moment ... but kicking nonetheless. i'm now in the midst of the vickie vacation in vermont via vegas, and a surreal experience it has already been. i suppose it's to be expected, having kicked off in the most blatant example of a city of surreal reality, right?
but i'm getting ahead of myself, as normal. i suppose a good place to start is at the beginnng. so here goes ...
so last tuesday, i hopped on a jet plane and flew to sin city for approximately five days. there's something so calming about flying thousands of feet in the air, the clouds a thick blanket below while the sky above is a shade of blue that seems almost to glow, it's so rich in hue - i've tried numerous times to describe the sky when i'm in an airplane and have never been able to do it justice - one of the reasons why it's never made it on here before. but i love it, regardless. i flew from baltimore to vegas making a stop in louisville - no offense to all of the kentucky-ites out there, but i wasn't overly impressed. sorry. ;-) fortunately, it was only a brief layover before i made my way to pacific time - how much do i love being able to say that!!!
the time in vegas was a blur of activity - pretty much consisted of walking, eating, walking, gambling, eating, walking, drinking, gambling. it's always difficult to take a bunch of people, each of whom have specific things they want to see/do and make sure everyone's hopes for the time are met. since i had already been there and done just about everything i'd wanted to previously, i took a bit of a backseat, letting the more insistant members of my family get their way. the only two disappointments i found were that i didn't get to get into the guggenheim museum at the venetian for the pop art exhibit they have there and that we didn't get back to the stratosphere to do the big shot (but i'd done that last year). as far as i was concerned, i wanted to make sure 1) everyone had fun, 2) we got to the hard rock hotel and 3) we stopped at harrah's to see the bartenders there (who are famous for "cocktail"-like displays of acrobatic skill). all three goals were met, so i was happy. bonuses: 1) the double bed room we had booked at bally's for the first night turned out to be a bit different than expected. instead of two beds, we wound up with a two-room suite - seven couches and two tvs in the living room (one television was over the BAR - yes, there was a photograph taken of yours truly wearing a cowboy hat sprawled coquettishly on top of said bar, fear not) and one bed in the bedroom. all in all, we wound up with two bathrooms (huge bathtub and bidet in one - hahaha), two rooms, tons of space ... i had no problem curling up that night on one of the couches and drifting off to sleep with a view of the eiffel tower from the paris resort out my window ... 2) i found a fabulous new drink. frozen green lizard. basically similar to a frozen margarita with midori. bueno! 3) freemont street was as fabulous as i remembered. 4) lunch at the cheesecake factory one of the days we were there (haha) - i didn't realize they had one at caesar's palace!
all in all, good times. i stuck to the slot machines and broke about even - didn't gamble too much, but i did manage to score a free cocktail, which i'd always wanted to do, so that was fun. if anything, i actually might have finished a few dollars up, so that's always great.
anyway, sunday was spent crossing back across the country to the right coast of the country, at which point the vermont portion of the vickie sanity break tour began full force. as my mother puts it, i'm "going to learn how to relax and take it easy" if it kills me. which it very well might, i tell you! relaxation is a foreign concept for me - i've already felt bits of stircraziness while everyone else is at work. so i'm writing a great deal (could the great american novel begin to emerge? perhaps ...) and taking care of some other things while i focus on getting stronger and all that.
i'm still adjusting to the whole time zone thing, though, and i realize it's 11:30 and i'm exhausted, which might explain part of the incoherency of this post. but i wanted to drop a line and announce that i am still among the land of the living - paul, expect email and/or a phone call tomorrow!!! :-)
alright, my bed is calling me. ah ...
- jack kerouac -- "on the road"
haha - thought i disappeared, didn't you? fear not, i'm still kicking, albeit in vermont at the moment ... but kicking nonetheless. i'm now in the midst of the vickie vacation in vermont via vegas, and a surreal experience it has already been. i suppose it's to be expected, having kicked off in the most blatant example of a city of surreal reality, right?
but i'm getting ahead of myself, as normal. i suppose a good place to start is at the beginnng. so here goes ...
so last tuesday, i hopped on a jet plane and flew to sin city for approximately five days. there's something so calming about flying thousands of feet in the air, the clouds a thick blanket below while the sky above is a shade of blue that seems almost to glow, it's so rich in hue - i've tried numerous times to describe the sky when i'm in an airplane and have never been able to do it justice - one of the reasons why it's never made it on here before. but i love it, regardless. i flew from baltimore to vegas making a stop in louisville - no offense to all of the kentucky-ites out there, but i wasn't overly impressed. sorry. ;-) fortunately, it was only a brief layover before i made my way to pacific time - how much do i love being able to say that!!!
the time in vegas was a blur of activity - pretty much consisted of walking, eating, walking, gambling, eating, walking, drinking, gambling. it's always difficult to take a bunch of people, each of whom have specific things they want to see/do and make sure everyone's hopes for the time are met. since i had already been there and done just about everything i'd wanted to previously, i took a bit of a backseat, letting the more insistant members of my family get their way. the only two disappointments i found were that i didn't get to get into the guggenheim museum at the venetian for the pop art exhibit they have there and that we didn't get back to the stratosphere to do the big shot (but i'd done that last year). as far as i was concerned, i wanted to make sure 1) everyone had fun, 2) we got to the hard rock hotel and 3) we stopped at harrah's to see the bartenders there (who are famous for "cocktail"-like displays of acrobatic skill). all three goals were met, so i was happy. bonuses: 1) the double bed room we had booked at bally's for the first night turned out to be a bit different than expected. instead of two beds, we wound up with a two-room suite - seven couches and two tvs in the living room (one television was over the BAR - yes, there was a photograph taken of yours truly wearing a cowboy hat sprawled coquettishly on top of said bar, fear not) and one bed in the bedroom. all in all, we wound up with two bathrooms (huge bathtub and bidet in one - hahaha), two rooms, tons of space ... i had no problem curling up that night on one of the couches and drifting off to sleep with a view of the eiffel tower from the paris resort out my window ... 2) i found a fabulous new drink. frozen green lizard. basically similar to a frozen margarita with midori. bueno! 3) freemont street was as fabulous as i remembered. 4) lunch at the cheesecake factory one of the days we were there (haha) - i didn't realize they had one at caesar's palace!
all in all, good times. i stuck to the slot machines and broke about even - didn't gamble too much, but i did manage to score a free cocktail, which i'd always wanted to do, so that was fun. if anything, i actually might have finished a few dollars up, so that's always great.
anyway, sunday was spent crossing back across the country to the right coast of the country, at which point the vermont portion of the vickie sanity break tour began full force. as my mother puts it, i'm "going to learn how to relax and take it easy" if it kills me. which it very well might, i tell you! relaxation is a foreign concept for me - i've already felt bits of stircraziness while everyone else is at work. so i'm writing a great deal (could the great american novel begin to emerge? perhaps ...) and taking care of some other things while i focus on getting stronger and all that.
i'm still adjusting to the whole time zone thing, though, and i realize it's 11:30 and i'm exhausted, which might explain part of the incoherency of this post. but i wanted to drop a line and announce that i am still among the land of the living - paul, expect email and/or a phone call tomorrow!!! :-)
alright, my bed is calling me. ah ...
6.13.2003
friday the thirteenth has always been a lucky day for me, and this particular friday the thirteenth finds me in a particularly unique situation. it's my last day of formal work for a bit. i'm sending out an email to everyone at some point today to let them know and all, but i'm not exactly sure of at what point during the day i'm going to send out said email. i am also taking a tour of the white house today, as it is congressional tour coordinator appreciation day at el presidente's place - so i'm dressed to the nines and feeling uber-professional as i sit here and type. i'm looking forward to the weekend, as there are plans to hit up adams morgan this evening and potentially tomorrow evening as well. i had an enjoyable last-front-page-happy-hour-for-a-bit last night with chloe and serena - fortunately, as i was ready to go crazy after my day at work yesterday. oy.
so much to do today at work, then so much to do before tuesday - it still hasn't hit me. i suppose i should work on that, eh?
but for now, the friday five ...
1. what's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
while i've wanted to go to london for the past few years, for as long as i can remember, i've wanted to travel to l.a. i want to be able to stand in the southern california sunshine and gaze over palm trees and imagine hollywood as it was in the 50s. and i want to see the pacific ocean and know that i have traveled as far west as i possibly can - that the only thing ahead of me is water.
2. when someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
ok, i'll admit it, no. i won't blatantly lie about it and say i love it if i hate it, but i'll definitely soften my criticism because i don't want to hurt the person's feelings. but with some people, i'll be blatantly honest.
3. have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? what happened?
of course - who hasn't? there have been tons of examples of this - the most common is finding out that a friend said something about me behind my back or whatnot. i think the worst is when i've discovered that a friend said he or she thought something about me or thought i was capable of something that indicated that the person really doesn't have an understanding of who i am or what i'm about at all - that's always really hurtful.
4. if you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
hmm ... this is a good question. i think ... rivendell from lord of the rings. i recall being amazed by the beauty described in the book and then the depiction of it in the movies blew me away.
5. what's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
THE ABILITY TO WRITE DIALOGUE!!!! but i'm working on it. ;-)
so much to do today at work, then so much to do before tuesday - it still hasn't hit me. i suppose i should work on that, eh?
but for now, the friday five ...
1. what's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have?
while i've wanted to go to london for the past few years, for as long as i can remember, i've wanted to travel to l.a. i want to be able to stand in the southern california sunshine and gaze over palm trees and imagine hollywood as it was in the 50s. and i want to see the pacific ocean and know that i have traveled as far west as i possibly can - that the only thing ahead of me is water.
2. when someone asks your opinion about a new haircut/outfit/etc, are you always honest?
ok, i'll admit it, no. i won't blatantly lie about it and say i love it if i hate it, but i'll definitely soften my criticism because i don't want to hurt the person's feelings. but with some people, i'll be blatantly honest.
3. have you ever found out something about a friend and then wished you hadn't? what happened?
of course - who hasn't? there have been tons of examples of this - the most common is finding out that a friend said something about me behind my back or whatnot. i think the worst is when i've discovered that a friend said he or she thought something about me or thought i was capable of something that indicated that the person really doesn't have an understanding of who i am or what i'm about at all - that's always really hurtful.
4. if you could live in any fictional world (from a book/movie/game/etc.) which would it be and why?
hmm ... this is a good question. i think ... rivendell from lord of the rings. i recall being amazed by the beauty described in the book and then the depiction of it in the movies blew me away.
5. what's one talent/skill you don't have but always wanted?
THE ABILITY TO WRITE DIALOGUE!!!! but i'm working on it. ;-)
6.12.2003
anyone passionate about journalism has to take at least a moment to pause today and pay her respects.
6.10.2003
i think it says a great deal about our culture when you log onto e! online one morning and find that the news of "survivor"'s jenna posing for playboy is posted higher than the fact that an actor featured on "jag" died of a drug overdose believed to be suicide.
ok, so i'm back in d.c. after a weekend in vermont - good times were had by all. if the weekend is any indication of the way the v.s.b.t. is going to be, i'm going to be back in kickarse condition in no time. the positivity and determination (at a higher practical level, i should clarify - the determination has been there for awhile now) continued through yesterday and i'm feeling focused and optimistic today. it's all about taking on each day as it comes.
a week from today, i'll be heading out to vegas - it has not hit me whatsoever, to be honest. there's so much at the moment that just seems so random - the upcoming weeks, my current state, how things are going - that being in sin city, the land of distorted reality, is going to be an incredibly interesting experience. i'm looking forward to it, though. it's a great place to focus on my on-going process of reclaiming my sense of self - one of the biggest things i've been lacking is my willingness and desire to be a jackarse and silly. why should i have any reservations about being silly in las vegas?!?!? i'm already demonstrating an eagerness and will to be a goofball. my aunt's big thing whenever she goes to vegas is that she makes absolutely sure anyone who's there as well has a hat available when we're out in the sun. you know, the whole sunstroke thing. so i'm going all out - who's rocking the straw cowboy hat? it's me ... it's me ... so unlike the girl who's been hanging out down here, but shades of the "aw hell, have fun with it!" vickie of the "i love rock & roll" shirts and whatnot ...
it's just time to be happy, dammit. the thing is, though, i admit there are things i'm going to miss while i'm away from dc - hanging out with chlo, spending time with my saving grace down here (i'm going to miss you, paul!!! we must hang out before i leave), chipotle (haha), adams morgan ... haha. but i need to do this to be able to be back on my game, and this will make me happier. so bring it on, i say! just have to get through this week of work, enjoy the weekend, and i'm leavin on a jet plane tuesday ...
ok, so i'm back in d.c. after a weekend in vermont - good times were had by all. if the weekend is any indication of the way the v.s.b.t. is going to be, i'm going to be back in kickarse condition in no time. the positivity and determination (at a higher practical level, i should clarify - the determination has been there for awhile now) continued through yesterday and i'm feeling focused and optimistic today. it's all about taking on each day as it comes.
a week from today, i'll be heading out to vegas - it has not hit me whatsoever, to be honest. there's so much at the moment that just seems so random - the upcoming weeks, my current state, how things are going - that being in sin city, the land of distorted reality, is going to be an incredibly interesting experience. i'm looking forward to it, though. it's a great place to focus on my on-going process of reclaiming my sense of self - one of the biggest things i've been lacking is my willingness and desire to be a jackarse and silly. why should i have any reservations about being silly in las vegas?!?!? i'm already demonstrating an eagerness and will to be a goofball. my aunt's big thing whenever she goes to vegas is that she makes absolutely sure anyone who's there as well has a hat available when we're out in the sun. you know, the whole sunstroke thing. so i'm going all out - who's rocking the straw cowboy hat? it's me ... it's me ... so unlike the girl who's been hanging out down here, but shades of the "aw hell, have fun with it!" vickie of the "i love rock & roll" shirts and whatnot ...
it's just time to be happy, dammit. the thing is, though, i admit there are things i'm going to miss while i'm away from dc - hanging out with chlo, spending time with my saving grace down here (i'm going to miss you, paul!!! we must hang out before i leave), chipotle (haha), adams morgan ... haha. but i need to do this to be able to be back on my game, and this will make me happier. so bring it on, i say! just have to get through this week of work, enjoy the weekend, and i'm leavin on a jet plane tuesday ...
6.04.2003
you know, there are times when i think it's got to be me - that there's something about me, victoria, that doesn't quite jive with the joint and everyone else has made an effort. it must be, right?
but then something will happen, something will be said, when i realize that really, perhaps it is the case that things have, for whatever reason, not been examples of my stellar social skills, but it is a two-way street. for example, someone who shall remain nameless (but can be identified by my collegiate classmates as the person of note also attended our institute of higher education) walking through, introducing someone to members of the office, pointing out that the three staffers present were all graduates of the same journalism program and making particular note of the fact that one was editor of the online publication and completely failing to mention that i was editor of the print publication. the same person walking with me and two other staffers a couple of days ago and asking me what my plans were for the fourth of july and, after i replied that i wasn't sure, making sure to specifically invite the other two staffers to his hometown for fourth festivities (saying, "well, you know the two of you are more than welcome to ..."). another staffer stopping by to say hello and chatting it up with everyone else while giving me a "hey there," before continuing the chatting it up with everyone else. and similar examples of the general sense of enjoyment people have when i walk into a room.
know what? that's ok. really. because there are a lot of things that i don't have in common with everyone else, i realize more and more. and i haven't had a chance to really show them who i am because i did spend a lot of time trying to convince them - and myself - that i did have those things in common with them and belonged where i was. but know what? the basic, underlying fact is that they want to be a part of this group, part of this population working on the hill and serving as professional political employees. whereas i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that that is nothing remotely resembling what i want to do with my time and do not enjoy it anymore. and i don't want to play the little political social games and discuss the silly little political issues and focus on the little political goals. i want to focus on making myself happy and do what makes me happy - which is not in the political realm.
i have done a damn good job doing what i was hired to do. i have expanded and assisted in other things as well, doing a good job with those things too. i've shown that i am capable of handling anything thrown my way.
i just don't want to continue to do it. which is why i'm looking at options so i don't do it anymore. and that way there can be someone here who wants to be, who will jive with the rest of the joint and i will be free to do what i want to do with people like me who want the same things i do and who i can feel like myself around, therefore enriching their lives and mine.
not to mention that i'll be physically and emotionally stronger by then so i'm prepared to give them what i have to give and what i deserve to give.
whoo hoo!
anyway, that's my little tirade for the morning. the weather continues to be dreary and london-esque - bah. vermont will be a welcome change when i travel there this weekend to celebrate my mother's birthday. not to mention the V.S.B.T. - almost there!!! i have an appointment this afternoon that i am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time ... but it's another in a series of steps that i've got to take. that i want to take while wanting to hold back at the same time. i'm such a contradiction in terms, but i just have to fight through it.
quote of the day: "another odd feather of the parallel universe is that although it is invisible from this side, once you are in it you can easily see the world you came from. sometimes the world you came from looks huge and menacing, quivering like a vast pile of jelly; at other times it is miniaturized and alluring, a-spin and shining in its orbit. either way, it can't be discounted."
i'm on my way.
but then something will happen, something will be said, when i realize that really, perhaps it is the case that things have, for whatever reason, not been examples of my stellar social skills, but it is a two-way street. for example, someone who shall remain nameless (but can be identified by my collegiate classmates as the person of note also attended our institute of higher education) walking through, introducing someone to members of the office, pointing out that the three staffers present were all graduates of the same journalism program and making particular note of the fact that one was editor of the online publication and completely failing to mention that i was editor of the print publication. the same person walking with me and two other staffers a couple of days ago and asking me what my plans were for the fourth of july and, after i replied that i wasn't sure, making sure to specifically invite the other two staffers to his hometown for fourth festivities (saying, "well, you know the two of you are more than welcome to ..."). another staffer stopping by to say hello and chatting it up with everyone else while giving me a "hey there," before continuing the chatting it up with everyone else. and similar examples of the general sense of enjoyment people have when i walk into a room.
know what? that's ok. really. because there are a lot of things that i don't have in common with everyone else, i realize more and more. and i haven't had a chance to really show them who i am because i did spend a lot of time trying to convince them - and myself - that i did have those things in common with them and belonged where i was. but know what? the basic, underlying fact is that they want to be a part of this group, part of this population working on the hill and serving as professional political employees. whereas i am becoming more and more aware of the fact that that is nothing remotely resembling what i want to do with my time and do not enjoy it anymore. and i don't want to play the little political social games and discuss the silly little political issues and focus on the little political goals. i want to focus on making myself happy and do what makes me happy - which is not in the political realm.
i have done a damn good job doing what i was hired to do. i have expanded and assisted in other things as well, doing a good job with those things too. i've shown that i am capable of handling anything thrown my way.
i just don't want to continue to do it. which is why i'm looking at options so i don't do it anymore. and that way there can be someone here who wants to be, who will jive with the rest of the joint and i will be free to do what i want to do with people like me who want the same things i do and who i can feel like myself around, therefore enriching their lives and mine.
not to mention that i'll be physically and emotionally stronger by then so i'm prepared to give them what i have to give and what i deserve to give.
whoo hoo!
anyway, that's my little tirade for the morning. the weather continues to be dreary and london-esque - bah. vermont will be a welcome change when i travel there this weekend to celebrate my mother's birthday. not to mention the V.S.B.T. - almost there!!! i have an appointment this afternoon that i am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time ... but it's another in a series of steps that i've got to take. that i want to take while wanting to hold back at the same time. i'm such a contradiction in terms, but i just have to fight through it.
quote of the day: "another odd feather of the parallel universe is that although it is invisible from this side, once you are in it you can easily see the world you came from. sometimes the world you came from looks huge and menacing, quivering like a vast pile of jelly; at other times it is miniaturized and alluring, a-spin and shining in its orbit. either way, it can't be discounted."
i'm on my way.
6.03.2003
SCORPIO: tuesday, june 3 - where do we go from here? and other tales. saturn, the supreme taskmaster, is arriving in the most adventurous sector of your solar chart for a prolonged stay. this visitation will, over time, encourage you to do the necessary to shake off the shackles, expand your range and broaden your horizons - even if it entails getting out of dodge.
"i've never met a person, i don't care what his condition, in whom i could not see possibilities. i don't care how much a man may consider himself a failure, i believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life any time he is ready and prepared to do it. whenever he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. the capacity for reformation and change lies within." -- preston bradley
"to know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice." -- confucius
"we all live in suspense from day to day; in other words, you are the hero of your own story." - mary mccarthy
"only i can change my life. no one can do it for me." - carol burnett
"each person's only hope for improving his lot rests on recognizing the true nature of his or her basic personality, surrendering to it, and becoming who he or she really is." - sheldon kopp
"if you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it." - carolyn mackenzie
"when you are looking in the mirror, you are looking at the problem. but, remember, you are also looking at the solution." - anonymous
"i'd rather be a failure at something i enjoy than a success at something i hate." - george burns
"we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are." - max depree
"my life has a superb cast but i can't figure out the plot." - ashleigh brilliant
can you tell i'm trying to psych myself up? ;-)
"i've never met a person, i don't care what his condition, in whom i could not see possibilities. i don't care how much a man may consider himself a failure, i believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life any time he is ready and prepared to do it. whenever he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. the capacity for reformation and change lies within." -- preston bradley
"to know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice." -- confucius
"we all live in suspense from day to day; in other words, you are the hero of your own story." - mary mccarthy
"only i can change my life. no one can do it for me." - carol burnett
"each person's only hope for improving his lot rests on recognizing the true nature of his or her basic personality, surrendering to it, and becoming who he or she really is." - sheldon kopp
"if you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it." - carolyn mackenzie
"when you are looking in the mirror, you are looking at the problem. but, remember, you are also looking at the solution." - anonymous
"i'd rather be a failure at something i enjoy than a success at something i hate." - george burns
"we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are." - max depree
"my life has a superb cast but i can't figure out the plot." - ashleigh brilliant
can you tell i'm trying to psych myself up? ;-)
6.02.2003
5.30.2003
ok, new musician time! check out gavin degraw - another product of richard young's program to let people know about up-and-coming musicians. i received a "chariot" sampler yesterday and, i've gotta say, was exceptionally impressed by what i heard. a very strong voice - shades of a ben harper-sounding voice but with more of a driven, forceful sound, if that makes any sense. and gavin's instrument of choice is piano - we know how much i like that! i'm a particular fan of the song "crush" - it's been in my head all morning.
friday, friday:
1. what do you most want to be remembered for?
my laughter, my ability to make people smile and my writing. that's the great thing about the written word - people come and go, but their writing lives on forever.
2. what quotation best fits your outlook on life?
life is not a dress rehearsal.
3. what single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?
taking a chance and striking out on my own.
4. what about the past ten years?
a single achievement? i guess the o'neill.
5. if you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?
never let anyone, including yourself, think you're any less than anyone else in the world. if you are confident in yourself, you can do anything.
1. what do you most want to be remembered for?
my laughter, my ability to make people smile and my writing. that's the great thing about the written word - people come and go, but their writing lives on forever.
2. what quotation best fits your outlook on life?
life is not a dress rehearsal.
3. what single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?
taking a chance and striking out on my own.
4. what about the past ten years?
a single achievement? i guess the o'neill.
5. if you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?
never let anyone, including yourself, think you're any less than anyone else in the world. if you are confident in yourself, you can do anything.
5.29.2003
stolen from my brother's lj:
I AM: whatever you say i am (ok, i couldn't help the eminem reference - i'm a pop culture slave - go with it!) i am me.
I THINK: constantly.
I KNOW: far too than i generally think i do.
I WANT: nothing at the moment. well, that's not necessarily true: i want to want.
I HAVE: an appointment this afternoon.
I WISH: upon stars, candles, stray eyelashes and necklace clasps.
I HATE: indifference.
I MISS: feeling the spark.
I FEAR: much.
I HEAR: the television (did you know that you can test for diabetes while your child sleeps in your arms? well, you can, with the compact from accu-check. live life better.)
I SEARCH: for my passion.
I WONDER: where it's hiding.
I REGRET: not knowing then what i know now.
I LOVE: ...
I CARE: ...
I ALWAYS: manage to put myself into interesting situations.
I AM NOT: without pride.
I DANCE: with destiny.
I SING: harmonies.
I CRY: when the mood strikes me.
I DO NOT ALWAYS: know what i'm thinking or feeling.
I FIGHT: to overcome.
I WRITE: now so i can process and shape my novel later.
I WIN: points for durability.
I LOSE: my confidence.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I LISTEN: but don't always accept.
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the greater d.c. area.
I NEED: to figure some things out.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: potential.
I SHOULD: be happier than i am.
[DESCRIBE YOUR]
[Jewelry worn daily]: a silver chain with a sliver celtic knot pendant and a silver ring with the drama masks on my left index finger.
[Pillow cover]: pale yellow cotton.
[Shoes]: black zip up ankle-high boots.
[Favorite top]: a black three quarter length sleeved shirt with a v-neck.
[Favorite bottoms]: my nice comfy lived-in jeans.
[Cologne/Perfume]: cocoa butter.
[CD in stereo right now]: a live mraz show.
[Piercings]: ears. that's it for now.
[Hair]: discontent.
[What you are wearing now]: the expected underwear beneath an ice blue long sleeved stretch t-shirt layered beneath a white fitted button down shirt, black pants, black and gray speckled socks, previously mentioned boots, two hair ties around my right wrist, a watch, previously mentioned ring and necklace, government id and glasses.
[In my mouth]: a stick of trident original flavored gum.
[In my head]: thanks to my earlier attempt at being funny, eminem.
[Wishing]: something exciting would happen.
[After this]: i will commence the rest of my afternoon, get a cup of coffee and then head out for the day.
[Talking to]: matt and erica.
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: sunshine and friends.
[The last thing you ate?]: pita
[Some of your favorite movies]: numerous and varied.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of]: lack of change.
[Do you like incense]: depends on the scent.
[Do you believe in love]: yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: while it's a lovely notion, no.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes i believe in it - but believing in it and being able to achieve it are often two very different things.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a wallaby.
[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: boston, london, burlington.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: chipotle, chinese, pizza mart (when intoxicated).
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: my mind.
[In the last 24 hours, have you]
1. Cried: no.
2. Bought something: an apple, dinner, a pack of gum, a bagel and a cup of coffee.
3. Gotten sick: haven't GOTTEN sick, but still have a cold and cough.
4. Sang: yes - in the cartman voice, no less (that was last night, right? beth - confirm? if not, i still sang "i don't wanna wait")
5. Eaten: yes.
6. Been kissed: no.
7. Felt stupid: does j. lo like diamonds?
8. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: wanted to tell someone i cared about them, but haven't, but not love.
9. Met someone new: no.
10. Moved on: no.
11. Talked to an ex: no.
12. Missed an ex: no.
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no.
14. Had a serious talk: all i ever do lately is have a serious talk.
15. Missed someone: more than words can say.
16. Hugged someone: no.
17. Fought with your parents: define "fought" - had my temper flare, but we're on the same side.
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: i haven't had a dream in awhile.
[Who]
01. Have you known the longest: out of...? i suppose technically, my mother. that whole nine months, womb, umbillical cord and birth thing, you know.
02. Do you argue the most with: my inner demons. bwahahaha.
03. Do you always get along with: paul.
04. Is the trustworthiest: there are a few wonderful people who qualify.
05. Makes you laugh the most: paul.
06. Has been there through all the hard times: my family and my sanity sistas (you know who you are).
08. Has the coolest siblings: would my brother kick my arse if he came across this and i said anyone other than me? probably. so me. ;-)
09. Is the most blunt: ed.
10. Is the smartest: in what sense? depends.
[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: various and sundry people. i like to take characteristics of various people and create a role model sort of like the good dr. frankenstein created his monster.
02. What are some of your pet peeves: at the moment, there are quite a few.
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: hasn't everyone?
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes.
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: male and, it seems, angsty. otherwise known as artistic.
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): yes.
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: of course.
08. dumper or dumped: both.
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: not someone specific. besides orlando, obviously. ;-)
12. Do you want to get married: ultimately.
13. Do you want kids: perchance.
14. Do you believe in psychics: not sure.
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: good lord i have no idea.
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes? i have no idea.
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: that i'm still here, in one form or another.
18. Are you happy with you: not at the moment.
19. Are you happy with your life: ...
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: if i knew what i'd do, i'd be doing it right now ...
I AM: whatever you say i am (ok, i couldn't help the eminem reference - i'm a pop culture slave - go with it!) i am me.
I THINK: constantly.
I KNOW: far too than i generally think i do.
I WANT: nothing at the moment. well, that's not necessarily true: i want to want.
I HAVE: an appointment this afternoon.
I WISH: upon stars, candles, stray eyelashes and necklace clasps.
I HATE: indifference.
I MISS: feeling the spark.
I FEAR: much.
I HEAR: the television (did you know that you can test for diabetes while your child sleeps in your arms? well, you can, with the compact from accu-check. live life better.)
I SEARCH: for my passion.
I WONDER: where it's hiding.
I REGRET: not knowing then what i know now.
I LOVE: ...
I CARE: ...
I ALWAYS: manage to put myself into interesting situations.
I AM NOT: without pride.
I DANCE: with destiny.
I SING: harmonies.
I CRY: when the mood strikes me.
I DO NOT ALWAYS: know what i'm thinking or feeling.
I FIGHT: to overcome.
I WRITE: now so i can process and shape my novel later.
I WIN: points for durability.
I LOSE: my confidence.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I LISTEN: but don't always accept.
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the greater d.c. area.
I NEED: to figure some things out.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: potential.
I SHOULD: be happier than i am.
[DESCRIBE YOUR]
[Jewelry worn daily]: a silver chain with a sliver celtic knot pendant and a silver ring with the drama masks on my left index finger.
[Pillow cover]: pale yellow cotton.
[Shoes]: black zip up ankle-high boots.
[Favorite top]: a black three quarter length sleeved shirt with a v-neck.
[Favorite bottoms]: my nice comfy lived-in jeans.
[Cologne/Perfume]: cocoa butter.
[CD in stereo right now]: a live mraz show.
[Piercings]: ears. that's it for now.
[Hair]: discontent.
[What you are wearing now]: the expected underwear beneath an ice blue long sleeved stretch t-shirt layered beneath a white fitted button down shirt, black pants, black and gray speckled socks, previously mentioned boots, two hair ties around my right wrist, a watch, previously mentioned ring and necklace, government id and glasses.
[In my mouth]: a stick of trident original flavored gum.
[In my head]: thanks to my earlier attempt at being funny, eminem.
[Wishing]: something exciting would happen.
[After this]: i will commence the rest of my afternoon, get a cup of coffee and then head out for the day.
[Talking to]: matt and erica.
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: sunshine and friends.
[The last thing you ate?]: pita
[Some of your favorite movies]: numerous and varied.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of]: lack of change.
[Do you like incense]: depends on the scent.
[Do you believe in love]: yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: while it's a lovely notion, no.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes i believe in it - but believing in it and being able to achieve it are often two very different things.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a wallaby.
[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: boston, london, burlington.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: chipotle, chinese, pizza mart (when intoxicated).
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: my mind.
[In the last 24 hours, have you]
1. Cried: no.
2. Bought something: an apple, dinner, a pack of gum, a bagel and a cup of coffee.
3. Gotten sick: haven't GOTTEN sick, but still have a cold and cough.
4. Sang: yes - in the cartman voice, no less (that was last night, right? beth - confirm? if not, i still sang "i don't wanna wait")
5. Eaten: yes.
6. Been kissed: no.
7. Felt stupid: does j. lo like diamonds?
8. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: wanted to tell someone i cared about them, but haven't, but not love.
9. Met someone new: no.
10. Moved on: no.
11. Talked to an ex: no.
12. Missed an ex: no.
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no.
14. Had a serious talk: all i ever do lately is have a serious talk.
15. Missed someone: more than words can say.
16. Hugged someone: no.
17. Fought with your parents: define "fought" - had my temper flare, but we're on the same side.
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: i haven't had a dream in awhile.
[Who]
01. Have you known the longest: out of...? i suppose technically, my mother. that whole nine months, womb, umbillical cord and birth thing, you know.
02. Do you argue the most with: my inner demons. bwahahaha.
03. Do you always get along with: paul.
04. Is the trustworthiest: there are a few wonderful people who qualify.
05. Makes you laugh the most: paul.
06. Has been there through all the hard times: my family and my sanity sistas (you know who you are).
08. Has the coolest siblings: would my brother kick my arse if he came across this and i said anyone other than me? probably. so me. ;-)
09. Is the most blunt: ed.
10. Is the smartest: in what sense? depends.
[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: various and sundry people. i like to take characteristics of various people and create a role model sort of like the good dr. frankenstein created his monster.
02. What are some of your pet peeves: at the moment, there are quite a few.
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: hasn't everyone?
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes.
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: male and, it seems, angsty. otherwise known as artistic.
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): yes.
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: of course.
08. dumper or dumped: both.
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: not someone specific. besides orlando, obviously. ;-)
12. Do you want to get married: ultimately.
13. Do you want kids: perchance.
14. Do you believe in psychics: not sure.
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: good lord i have no idea.
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes? i have no idea.
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: that i'm still here, in one form or another.
18. Are you happy with you: not at the moment.
19. Are you happy with your life: ...
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: if i knew what i'd do, i'd be doing it right now ...
i think i figured out something - i have no idea of whether or not this is going to make sense, but it does to me. at least, it's the closest i've come to figuring out what's been going through my head as of late. so here goes.
i have no wants. pretty simple. now, most people would consider this to be a good thing - no wants means no needs, right? which means that really, there is nothing lacking from a person's existance that would improve that existance. yay for everyone - revelrevel.
but that's not the "i have no wants" that i mean. i mean that i flat out don't want anything. not that i have everything i need, not that i have acquired everything that i want to acquire or anything like that. i mean that there has been nothing lately that stirs up any sense of anticipation, eagerness, excitement or even aversion. i just don't want.
some examples might clarify. as of late (which fits into the past couple of weeks as far as duration of time), i have been trying to make sure i do everything that i need to do - go to work, increase my nutritional intake (making sure i take in more carbs, protein, etc.), get some (but not too much) exercise, get enough sleep at night, etc. those are the basic necessary-for-daily-existance things. then there are the perk things - watch television or movies, listen to music, read and write, observe those around me, shop, etc. things that are supposed to spice things up and serve as icing on the cake that is doing all of the necessary-for-existance things. it all ties together into that which constitutes a life.
but there hasn't been anything that i've done that i've really wanted to do. nor has there been anything that i haven't wanted to do. they're just all sort of things that i'm supposed to do, so i do them. or don't, depending on the situation. today i rode into work and listened to someone talking about getting the paperwork finished for their new apartment and how excited she was - and i was envious of her because she was so psyched! even the fact that the lease finalization was more difficult than anticipated was something exciting. whereas i have been, for all intensive purposes, been waking up, going to work, coming home and exercising, "relaxing" and going to sleep, with all of the necessary breaks for eating and commuting and whatnot.
when i try to figure out what i want to eat for dinner, i don't have any preference - i don't want one of my dinners, i don't want to make anything from scratch, i don't want chipotle or the chinese that i get. since my grocery schedule was messed up this week, i've been rocking the takeout train this week, but i don't sit there and think that anything sounds particularly good - i just go with what i haven't had as of late. i don't particularly want to read the book that i'm reading, but i'm reading it. i don't particularly want to write in my journal, but i know it's important for me to do so right now because i need to figure out what i'm feeling. i don't particularly want to exercise, but i know i should do something so my body doesn't feel tired. i don't particularly want to go to work, but i know i have to and i don't particularly have anything i would want to do if i didn't. when i went shopping for a new shirt this past weekend, i didn't particularly want any of the items, but i knew the shirt i got was something i generally like, would serve me well and was on sale. i went to dccd in adams morgan to look at music and couldn't find anything that i wanted to pick up. save the dawson's viewing last night, i haven't had anything on television that i've particularly wanted to see. the movies that i rented this past weekend were good, but when i was perusing the selections at blockbuster, there was nothing that stood out as something i particularly wanted to see. i haven't particularly wanted to go to sleep at night, but it's what i should do and i haven't particularly wanted to do anything anyway.
and those are only the superficial examples.
i'm someone who has always - as a strength and as a result, a constant form of teasing from friends - wanted things, desired things, jumped into things and run with them. one of the things i've always liked about myself, even if it's gotten me into trouble at times, is the passion with which i approach the things i become involved with. there's very little that i view as something that should only be half dealt with.
which is why this lack of want is so surprising and disturbing to me. i'm hoping that my meeting this afternoon will help me figure out why this is the case and how i can kind of counter it. i am hoping that this weekend will also help - i think it should be a lot of fun.
i have no wants. pretty simple. now, most people would consider this to be a good thing - no wants means no needs, right? which means that really, there is nothing lacking from a person's existance that would improve that existance. yay for everyone - revelrevel.
but that's not the "i have no wants" that i mean. i mean that i flat out don't want anything. not that i have everything i need, not that i have acquired everything that i want to acquire or anything like that. i mean that there has been nothing lately that stirs up any sense of anticipation, eagerness, excitement or even aversion. i just don't want.
some examples might clarify. as of late (which fits into the past couple of weeks as far as duration of time), i have been trying to make sure i do everything that i need to do - go to work, increase my nutritional intake (making sure i take in more carbs, protein, etc.), get some (but not too much) exercise, get enough sleep at night, etc. those are the basic necessary-for-daily-existance things. then there are the perk things - watch television or movies, listen to music, read and write, observe those around me, shop, etc. things that are supposed to spice things up and serve as icing on the cake that is doing all of the necessary-for-existance things. it all ties together into that which constitutes a life.
but there hasn't been anything that i've done that i've really wanted to do. nor has there been anything that i haven't wanted to do. they're just all sort of things that i'm supposed to do, so i do them. or don't, depending on the situation. today i rode into work and listened to someone talking about getting the paperwork finished for their new apartment and how excited she was - and i was envious of her because she was so psyched! even the fact that the lease finalization was more difficult than anticipated was something exciting. whereas i have been, for all intensive purposes, been waking up, going to work, coming home and exercising, "relaxing" and going to sleep, with all of the necessary breaks for eating and commuting and whatnot.
when i try to figure out what i want to eat for dinner, i don't have any preference - i don't want one of my dinners, i don't want to make anything from scratch, i don't want chipotle or the chinese that i get. since my grocery schedule was messed up this week, i've been rocking the takeout train this week, but i don't sit there and think that anything sounds particularly good - i just go with what i haven't had as of late. i don't particularly want to read the book that i'm reading, but i'm reading it. i don't particularly want to write in my journal, but i know it's important for me to do so right now because i need to figure out what i'm feeling. i don't particularly want to exercise, but i know i should do something so my body doesn't feel tired. i don't particularly want to go to work, but i know i have to and i don't particularly have anything i would want to do if i didn't. when i went shopping for a new shirt this past weekend, i didn't particularly want any of the items, but i knew the shirt i got was something i generally like, would serve me well and was on sale. i went to dccd in adams morgan to look at music and couldn't find anything that i wanted to pick up. save the dawson's viewing last night, i haven't had anything on television that i've particularly wanted to see. the movies that i rented this past weekend were good, but when i was perusing the selections at blockbuster, there was nothing that stood out as something i particularly wanted to see. i haven't particularly wanted to go to sleep at night, but it's what i should do and i haven't particularly wanted to do anything anyway.
and those are only the superficial examples.
i'm someone who has always - as a strength and as a result, a constant form of teasing from friends - wanted things, desired things, jumped into things and run with them. one of the things i've always liked about myself, even if it's gotten me into trouble at times, is the passion with which i approach the things i become involved with. there's very little that i view as something that should only be half dealt with.
which is why this lack of want is so surprising and disturbing to me. i'm hoping that my meeting this afternoon will help me figure out why this is the case and how i can kind of counter it. i am hoping that this weekend will also help - i think it should be a lot of fun.
happy birthday to bob hope on this, his 100th big day ... i think everyone has to have a special place in their hearts for mr. hope. personally, my first and best thought of mr. hope is always "the seven little foyts" - good ol' fashioned musical goodness that includes one of my favorite dance sequences ever - a tabletop dance with eddie foyt (mr. hope) and george cohan (james cagney) that just brings delight whenever i even think about it. he's had an amazing life, a fantastic career and is just an all-around hollywood and american institution. congratulations to him on reaching such a milestone!
i am utterly, utterly exhausted today ... just want to curl up and sleep!!! yet somehow i don't think that would be the best of ideas ... wonder why. hmm.
but nonetheless. i was able to see the final "dawson's creek" last night, which brought back all sorts of memories of college and otherwise growing up, not to mention general amusement by a number of different aspects of the episode. from the manner in which the show poked fun at itself to the way some of the characters' storylines were explained to the fact that they justified audrey's lack of presence with the fact that she was in europe working as a backup singer for john mayer (what's worse - that mayer is in "dawson's creek" pop culture or that they are saying he'll have backup singers in ten years???), i was thoroughly amused.
now i just have to see the final "felicity" - my other big college wb show - at least during my freshman year.
ok, MUST WAKE UP.
i am utterly, utterly exhausted today ... just want to curl up and sleep!!! yet somehow i don't think that would be the best of ideas ... wonder why. hmm.
but nonetheless. i was able to see the final "dawson's creek" last night, which brought back all sorts of memories of college and otherwise growing up, not to mention general amusement by a number of different aspects of the episode. from the manner in which the show poked fun at itself to the way some of the characters' storylines were explained to the fact that they justified audrey's lack of presence with the fact that she was in europe working as a backup singer for john mayer (what's worse - that mayer is in "dawson's creek" pop culture or that they are saying he'll have backup singers in ten years???), i was thoroughly amused.
now i just have to see the final "felicity" - my other big college wb show - at least during my freshman year.
ok, MUST WAKE UP.
5.27.2003
5.26.2003
5.24.2003
someone (who shall remain nameless, obviously) should have gone away this weekend ... as everyone else under the sun (or at least, in the greater washington metro area) appears to have done so. the timing on this earns a big ol' not so much from the judges!
holiday weekend, but the sun is hiding beneath the permadrizzle we've been enjoying as of late (why do i feel as if i'm getting the london experience without crossing the pond?) and literally no one around. every single person i know in the washington area, save two, have plans. so i'm making the best of this situation and spending my saturday exploring the daylife of adams morgan - i figure it's about time i gave tryst (the area's "central perk"-like coffeehouse) a go. there's no way it can be a muddy's-worthy experience, but i'll take what i can get and it could be nice to curl up with a coffee and book on a couch!
i also seem to have developed a cold. not a fan.
gotta laugh at things, though - i was going to wear black to tryst (no, i wasn't trying to be all hip coffee girl, it's my favorite shirt) but decided not to on the grounds that i've got enough "angst angst angst, rage rage rage" going on - all i need to do is talk to someone there for five minutes before they realize i'm conflicted enough to be considered an appropriate twenty-something "reality bites"-like consumer of java to stake a place in the joint. ;-)
holiday weekend, but the sun is hiding beneath the permadrizzle we've been enjoying as of late (why do i feel as if i'm getting the london experience without crossing the pond?) and literally no one around. every single person i know in the washington area, save two, have plans. so i'm making the best of this situation and spending my saturday exploring the daylife of adams morgan - i figure it's about time i gave tryst (the area's "central perk"-like coffeehouse) a go. there's no way it can be a muddy's-worthy experience, but i'll take what i can get and it could be nice to curl up with a coffee and book on a couch!
i also seem to have developed a cold. not a fan.
gotta laugh at things, though - i was going to wear black to tryst (no, i wasn't trying to be all hip coffee girl, it's my favorite shirt) but decided not to on the grounds that i've got enough "angst angst angst, rage rage rage" going on - all i need to do is talk to someone there for five minutes before they realize i'm conflicted enough to be considered an appropriate twenty-something "reality bites"-like consumer of java to stake a place in the joint. ;-)
5.23.2003
oh wow, what a fun day.
i left the office around 3 today, as i would have had one of, if not a combination of, the following occur if i didn't:
- loss of sanity
- a lot of yelling
- the voluntary end of my time within the office.
honesty is desired. ok then, here's honesty (well, ok, admittedly, this isn't honest, this is sarcastic as hell). i have discovered that the following list of activities are all signs of my obvious desire to not gain the weight i need to gain but have as of yet, due to my messed up body, been unable to gain:
- increasing amount of food intake and food choice
- drinking coffee
- changing hairstyles
- not changing hairstyles
- buying new clothing
- not buying new clothing
- attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- not attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- taking medicine
- not taking medicine
- trying to talk to people
- not trying to talk to people
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with "i'm great, thanks"
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with anything other than, "i'm great, thanks"
- alcohol consumption
- lack of alcohol consumption
- caring about how i am perceived by others
- not caring about how i am perceived by others
- being honest
- not being honest by being honest
- inquiring about a recipe for coffee cake
- accepting the offer of candy
- not accepting the offer of candy
- setting up a meal plan
- not setting up a meal plan
- being in a good mood at work
- being in a bad mood at work
- showing patience
- showing inpatience
as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there is, essentially, nothing i can do that does not make it blatantly clear to observers that i am, in fact, clearly not interested in gaining necessary weight. while i have made it a mission to do so, quite literally, the fact remains that i am simply not doing enough.
there has been concern at work for awhile now because i lost too much weight since arriving in washington. and i thoroughly agree that i have lost too much and have been, as a result, working my arse off (that figure of speech was just for you, bethy!) to gain it back. unfortunately, however, my body hasn't been listening to me (it's just as stubborn as my blonde lil' brain is - figures), despite my best efforts (much to the delight of local area food establishments - particularly chipotle). in fact, little pow wows featuring myself and two of my supervisors have become a semi-regular occurrance.
i decided to be proactive and tell them about the steps that i've been making lately, however, so i sat down with each of them earlier this week to let them know that i'm doing well and am psyched that i think my body is finally starting to get with the program, so to speak. that way, i am being open and honest while letting them know that the coming weeks are going to be a bit of an emotional and physical rollercoaster for yours truly (for example, going from my body feeling incapable of taking in any more food without exploding one day to feeling ready to gnaw off an arm by the end of the workday the next).
however, that was, according to the supervisors, clearly indicative of my desire to hide from them the fact that things are, in fact, not going well and i am not making progress. rather than being passively evasive, i was being actively evasive. obviously.
as well, the fruit, slice of coffee cake, chocolate chip bagel and bite of pastry consumed by yours truly at the office brunch/goodbye party this morning clearly demonstrates that my lack of willingness to gain. clearly. and asking who brought in the coffee cake so i could get the recipe and try making it at home sometime? good lord, that was obviously a cry out in refusal to even consider gaining weight.
the chipotle i intend to enjoy this evening with my blockbuster selection (of "catch me if you can")? further proof.
inquiries to coworkers about meeting up for lunch, dinner or coffee sometime to catch up and see how things have been? isn't the pattern clear by now?
i'm just determined to not gain weight - that should be clear to everyone. apparently, it is.
funny how i'm the only one who doesn't seem to accept that. i must be more messed up in the head than everyone thought.
anyway, our heroine was a bit, shall we say, frustrated by the time this afternoon's pow wow was underway. suffering from the fun, previously unknown side effects of medication, riding the breaking crests of a major sugar rush brought about by consumption of copious brunch food items and an upset stomach due to overindulging in said items while in need of mid-afternoon caffeine infusion, i was not in the best state of minds to hear that i'm not making any efforts. in fact, i was tempted to tell said concerned naysayers to take their concern, understanding (and admitted lack of understanding) and oh yes, my job and shove it all because it was all serving to demonstrate just how impossible it is to show anyone that effort is being made every day and every hour. rather than do the rash thing and run off cursing, i very honestly, very forcibly explained that said awareness of my lack of effort was, in fact, the farthest thing from reality as can be and was also, incidentally, making the process increasingly difficult and taxing, again, both physically and emotionally. that the concern expressed to said supervisors by others is serving to further isolate me, as i know people are expressing concern yet choosing not to express it to me (understandably so, in some respects, i will acknowledge, as i might hesitate as well were situations reversed) and instead not talking to me at all. that when told by others that they are there for me if i need them and i attempt to open that door of communication, i find it emotionally distressing to have that door shut in my face, leaving me less likely to initiate communication in the future. that all elements, when combined, leave yours truly feeling as if at the bottom of a ravine, trying to claw up to the top and finding bits of success, only to have buckets of rocks and dirt dumped upon me by those standing at the top who say they want to help. that there is very little in my current situation and environment that is serving as a form of positivity and encouragement. that i do care about what other people think of me because i've been spending so much damn time thinking about what i think of me and how i feel that i want an outlet from that thought from time to time. and because i, like everyone else on the planet, crave some positive reinforcement, particularly during such a frustrating experience which is riddled with feelings of self-doubt, from others. which i am, for the most part, not finding, instead being told that i'm not trying.
anyway, following this and further showing the good-yet-utterly-paradoxical nature of my office, i was given hugs, votes of encouragement and offers to be able to head home to vermont for a period of time if i need it - fully paid - as well as the rest of the afternoon off.
??????????
i need a vacation.
i left the office around 3 today, as i would have had one of, if not a combination of, the following occur if i didn't:
- loss of sanity
- a lot of yelling
- the voluntary end of my time within the office.
honesty is desired. ok then, here's honesty (well, ok, admittedly, this isn't honest, this is sarcastic as hell). i have discovered that the following list of activities are all signs of my obvious desire to not gain the weight i need to gain but have as of yet, due to my messed up body, been unable to gain:
- increasing amount of food intake and food choice
- drinking coffee
- changing hairstyles
- not changing hairstyles
- buying new clothing
- not buying new clothing
- attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- not attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- taking medicine
- not taking medicine
- trying to talk to people
- not trying to talk to people
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with "i'm great, thanks"
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with anything other than, "i'm great, thanks"
- alcohol consumption
- lack of alcohol consumption
- caring about how i am perceived by others
- not caring about how i am perceived by others
- being honest
- not being honest by being honest
- inquiring about a recipe for coffee cake
- accepting the offer of candy
- not accepting the offer of candy
- setting up a meal plan
- not setting up a meal plan
- being in a good mood at work
- being in a bad mood at work
- showing patience
- showing inpatience
as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there is, essentially, nothing i can do that does not make it blatantly clear to observers that i am, in fact, clearly not interested in gaining necessary weight. while i have made it a mission to do so, quite literally, the fact remains that i am simply not doing enough.
there has been concern at work for awhile now because i lost too much weight since arriving in washington. and i thoroughly agree that i have lost too much and have been, as a result, working my arse off (that figure of speech was just for you, bethy!) to gain it back. unfortunately, however, my body hasn't been listening to me (it's just as stubborn as my blonde lil' brain is - figures), despite my best efforts (much to the delight of local area food establishments - particularly chipotle). in fact, little pow wows featuring myself and two of my supervisors have become a semi-regular occurrance.
i decided to be proactive and tell them about the steps that i've been making lately, however, so i sat down with each of them earlier this week to let them know that i'm doing well and am psyched that i think my body is finally starting to get with the program, so to speak. that way, i am being open and honest while letting them know that the coming weeks are going to be a bit of an emotional and physical rollercoaster for yours truly (for example, going from my body feeling incapable of taking in any more food without exploding one day to feeling ready to gnaw off an arm by the end of the workday the next).
however, that was, according to the supervisors, clearly indicative of my desire to hide from them the fact that things are, in fact, not going well and i am not making progress. rather than being passively evasive, i was being actively evasive. obviously.
as well, the fruit, slice of coffee cake, chocolate chip bagel and bite of pastry consumed by yours truly at the office brunch/goodbye party this morning clearly demonstrates that my lack of willingness to gain. clearly. and asking who brought in the coffee cake so i could get the recipe and try making it at home sometime? good lord, that was obviously a cry out in refusal to even consider gaining weight.
the chipotle i intend to enjoy this evening with my blockbuster selection (of "catch me if you can")? further proof.
inquiries to coworkers about meeting up for lunch, dinner or coffee sometime to catch up and see how things have been? isn't the pattern clear by now?
i'm just determined to not gain weight - that should be clear to everyone. apparently, it is.
funny how i'm the only one who doesn't seem to accept that. i must be more messed up in the head than everyone thought.
anyway, our heroine was a bit, shall we say, frustrated by the time this afternoon's pow wow was underway. suffering from the fun, previously unknown side effects of medication, riding the breaking crests of a major sugar rush brought about by consumption of copious brunch food items and an upset stomach due to overindulging in said items while in need of mid-afternoon caffeine infusion, i was not in the best state of minds to hear that i'm not making any efforts. in fact, i was tempted to tell said concerned naysayers to take their concern, understanding (and admitted lack of understanding) and oh yes, my job and shove it all because it was all serving to demonstrate just how impossible it is to show anyone that effort is being made every day and every hour. rather than do the rash thing and run off cursing, i very honestly, very forcibly explained that said awareness of my lack of effort was, in fact, the farthest thing from reality as can be and was also, incidentally, making the process increasingly difficult and taxing, again, both physically and emotionally. that the concern expressed to said supervisors by others is serving to further isolate me, as i know people are expressing concern yet choosing not to express it to me (understandably so, in some respects, i will acknowledge, as i might hesitate as well were situations reversed) and instead not talking to me at all. that when told by others that they are there for me if i need them and i attempt to open that door of communication, i find it emotionally distressing to have that door shut in my face, leaving me less likely to initiate communication in the future. that all elements, when combined, leave yours truly feeling as if at the bottom of a ravine, trying to claw up to the top and finding bits of success, only to have buckets of rocks and dirt dumped upon me by those standing at the top who say they want to help. that there is very little in my current situation and environment that is serving as a form of positivity and encouragement. that i do care about what other people think of me because i've been spending so much damn time thinking about what i think of me and how i feel that i want an outlet from that thought from time to time. and because i, like everyone else on the planet, crave some positive reinforcement, particularly during such a frustrating experience which is riddled with feelings of self-doubt, from others. which i am, for the most part, not finding, instead being told that i'm not trying.
anyway, following this and further showing the good-yet-utterly-paradoxical nature of my office, i was given hugs, votes of encouragement and offers to be able to head home to vermont for a period of time if i need it - fully paid - as well as the rest of the afternoon off.
??????????
i need a vacation.
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