stupid, stupid, stupid ... i am so bitter.

ok, new musician time! check out gavin degraw - another product of richard young's program to let people know about up-and-coming musicians. i received a "chariot" sampler yesterday and, i've gotta say, was exceptionally impressed by what i heard. a very strong voice - shades of a ben harper-sounding voice but with more of a driven, forceful sound, if that makes any sense. and gavin's instrument of choice is piano - we know how much i like that! i'm a particular fan of the song "crush" - it's been in my head all morning.

friday, friday:

1. what do you most want to be remembered for?
my laughter, my ability to make people smile and my writing. that's the great thing about the written word - people come and go, but their writing lives on forever.

2. what quotation best fits your outlook on life?
life is not a dress rehearsal.

3. what single achievement are you most proud of in the past year?
taking a chance and striking out on my own.

4. what about the past ten years?
a single achievement? i guess the o'neill.

5. if you were asked to give a child a single piece of advice to guide them through life, what would you say?
never let anyone, including yourself, think you're any less than anyone else in the world. if you are confident in yourself, you can do anything.

but how would the actors dance with the hobbit feet?

stolen from my brother's lj:

I AM: whatever you say i am (ok, i couldn't help the eminem reference - i'm a pop culture slave - go with it!) i am me.
I THINK: constantly.
I KNOW: far too than i generally think i do.
I WANT: nothing at the moment. well, that's not necessarily true: i want to want.
I HAVE: an appointment this afternoon.
I WISH: upon stars, candles, stray eyelashes and necklace clasps.
I HATE: indifference.
I MISS: feeling the spark.
I FEAR: much.
I HEAR: the television (did you know that you can test for diabetes while your child sleeps in your arms? well, you can, with the compact from accu-check. live life better.)
I SEARCH: for my passion.
I WONDER: where it's hiding.
I REGRET: not knowing then what i know now.
I LOVE: ...
I CARE: ...
I ALWAYS: manage to put myself into interesting situations.
I AM NOT: without pride.
I DANCE: with destiny.
I SING: harmonies.
I CRY: when the mood strikes me.
I DO NOT ALWAYS: know what i'm thinking or feeling.
I FIGHT: to overcome.
I WRITE: now so i can process and shape my novel later.
I WIN: points for durability.
I LOSE: my confidence.
I CONFUSE: myself.
I LISTEN: but don't always accept.
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: in the greater d.c. area.
I NEED: to figure some things out.
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: potential.
I SHOULD: be happier than i am.


[DESCRIBE YOUR]
[Jewelry worn daily]: a silver chain with a sliver celtic knot pendant and a silver ring with the drama masks on my left index finger.
[Pillow cover]: pale yellow cotton.
[Shoes]: black zip up ankle-high boots.
[Favorite top]: a black three quarter length sleeved shirt with a v-neck.
[Favorite bottoms]: my nice comfy lived-in jeans.
[Cologne/Perfume]: cocoa butter.
[CD in stereo right now]: a live mraz show.
[Piercings]: ears. that's it for now.
[Hair]: discontent.
[What you are wearing now]: the expected underwear beneath an ice blue long sleeved stretch t-shirt layered beneath a white fitted button down shirt, black pants, black and gray speckled socks, previously mentioned boots, two hair ties around my right wrist, a watch, previously mentioned ring and necklace, government id and glasses.
[In my mouth]: a stick of trident original flavored gum.
[In my head]: thanks to my earlier attempt at being funny, eminem.
[Wishing]: something exciting would happen.
[After this]: i will commence the rest of my afternoon, get a cup of coffee and then head out for the day.
[Talking to]: matt and erica.
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: sunshine and friends.
[The last thing you ate?]: pita
[Some of your favorite movies]: numerous and varied.
[Something that you are deathly afraid of]: lack of change.
[Do you like incense]: depends on the scent.
[Do you believe in love]: yes.
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: while it's a lovely notion, no.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes i believe in it - but believing in it and being able to achieve it are often two very different things.
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a wallaby.
[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: boston, london, burlington.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: chipotle, chinese, pizza mart (when intoxicated).
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: my mind.

[In the last 24 hours, have you]
1. Cried: no.
2. Bought something: an apple, dinner, a pack of gum, a bagel and a cup of coffee.
3. Gotten sick: haven't GOTTEN sick, but still have a cold and cough.
4. Sang: yes - in the cartman voice, no less (that was last night, right? beth - confirm? if not, i still sang "i don't wanna wait")
5. Eaten: yes.
6. Been kissed: no.
7. Felt stupid: does j. lo like diamonds?
8. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: wanted to tell someone i cared about them, but haven't, but not love.
9. Met someone new: no.
10. Moved on: no.
11. Talked to an ex: no.
12. Missed an ex: no.
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no.
14. Had a serious talk: all i ever do lately is have a serious talk.
15. Missed someone: more than words can say.
16. Hugged someone: no.
17. Fought with your parents: define "fought" - had my temper flare, but we're on the same side.
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: i haven't had a dream in awhile.

[Who]
01. Have you known the longest: out of...? i suppose technically, my mother. that whole nine months, womb, umbillical cord and birth thing, you know.
02. Do you argue the most with: my inner demons. bwahahaha.
03. Do you always get along with: paul.
04. Is the trustworthiest: there are a few wonderful people who qualify.
05. Makes you laugh the most: paul.
06. Has been there through all the hard times: my family and my sanity sistas (you know who you are).
08. Has the coolest siblings: would my brother kick my arse if he came across this and i said anyone other than me? probably. so me. ;-)
09. Is the most blunt: ed.
10. Is the smartest: in what sense? depends.

[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: various and sundry people. i like to take characteristics of various people and create a role model sort of like the good dr. frankenstein created his monster.
02. What are some of your pet peeves: at the moment, there are quite a few.
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: hasn't everyone?
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes.
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: male and, it seems, angsty. otherwise known as artistic.
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): yes.
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: of course.
08. dumper or dumped: both.
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: not someone specific. besides orlando, obviously. ;-)
12. Do you want to get married: ultimately.
13. Do you want kids: perchance.
14. Do you believe in psychics: not sure.
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: good lord i have no idea.
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes? i have no idea.
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: that i'm still here, in one form or another.
18. Are you happy with you: not at the moment.
19. Are you happy with your life: ...
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: if i knew what i'd do, i'd be doing it right now ...

i think i figured out something - i have no idea of whether or not this is going to make sense, but it does to me. at least, it's the closest i've come to figuring out what's been going through my head as of late. so here goes.

i have no wants. pretty simple. now, most people would consider this to be a good thing - no wants means no needs, right? which means that really, there is nothing lacking from a person's existance that would improve that existance. yay for everyone - revelrevel.

but that's not the "i have no wants" that i mean. i mean that i flat out don't want anything. not that i have everything i need, not that i have acquired everything that i want to acquire or anything like that. i mean that there has been nothing lately that stirs up any sense of anticipation, eagerness, excitement or even aversion. i just don't want.

some examples might clarify. as of late (which fits into the past couple of weeks as far as duration of time), i have been trying to make sure i do everything that i need to do - go to work, increase my nutritional intake (making sure i take in more carbs, protein, etc.), get some (but not too much) exercise, get enough sleep at night, etc. those are the basic necessary-for-daily-existance things. then there are the perk things - watch television or movies, listen to music, read and write, observe those around me, shop, etc. things that are supposed to spice things up and serve as icing on the cake that is doing all of the necessary-for-existance things. it all ties together into that which constitutes a life.

but there hasn't been anything that i've done that i've really wanted to do. nor has there been anything that i haven't wanted to do. they're just all sort of things that i'm supposed to do, so i do them. or don't, depending on the situation. today i rode into work and listened to someone talking about getting the paperwork finished for their new apartment and how excited she was - and i was envious of her because she was so psyched! even the fact that the lease finalization was more difficult than anticipated was something exciting. whereas i have been, for all intensive purposes, been waking up, going to work, coming home and exercising, "relaxing" and going to sleep, with all of the necessary breaks for eating and commuting and whatnot.

when i try to figure out what i want to eat for dinner, i don't have any preference - i don't want one of my dinners, i don't want to make anything from scratch, i don't want chipotle or the chinese that i get. since my grocery schedule was messed up this week, i've been rocking the takeout train this week, but i don't sit there and think that anything sounds particularly good - i just go with what i haven't had as of late. i don't particularly want to read the book that i'm reading, but i'm reading it. i don't particularly want to write in my journal, but i know it's important for me to do so right now because i need to figure out what i'm feeling. i don't particularly want to exercise, but i know i should do something so my body doesn't feel tired. i don't particularly want to go to work, but i know i have to and i don't particularly have anything i would want to do if i didn't. when i went shopping for a new shirt this past weekend, i didn't particularly want any of the items, but i knew the shirt i got was something i generally like, would serve me well and was on sale. i went to dccd in adams morgan to look at music and couldn't find anything that i wanted to pick up. save the dawson's viewing last night, i haven't had anything on television that i've particularly wanted to see. the movies that i rented this past weekend were good, but when i was perusing the selections at blockbuster, there was nothing that stood out as something i particularly wanted to see. i haven't particularly wanted to go to sleep at night, but it's what i should do and i haven't particularly wanted to do anything anyway.

and those are only the superficial examples.

i'm someone who has always - as a strength and as a result, a constant form of teasing from friends - wanted things, desired things, jumped into things and run with them. one of the things i've always liked about myself, even if it's gotten me into trouble at times, is the passion with which i approach the things i become involved with. there's very little that i view as something that should only be half dealt with.

which is why this lack of want is so surprising and disturbing to me. i'm hoping that my meeting this afternoon will help me figure out why this is the case and how i can kind of counter it. i am hoping that this weekend will also help - i think it should be a lot of fun.

happy birthday to bob hope on this, his 100th big day ... i think everyone has to have a special place in their hearts for mr. hope. personally, my first and best thought of mr. hope is always "the seven little foyts" - good ol' fashioned musical goodness that includes one of my favorite dance sequences ever - a tabletop dance with eddie foyt (mr. hope) and george cohan (james cagney) that just brings delight whenever i even think about it. he's had an amazing life, a fantastic career and is just an all-around hollywood and american institution. congratulations to him on reaching such a milestone!

i am utterly, utterly exhausted today ... just want to curl up and sleep!!! yet somehow i don't think that would be the best of ideas ... wonder why. hmm.

but nonetheless. i was able to see the final "dawson's creek" last night, which brought back all sorts of memories of college and otherwise growing up, not to mention general amusement by a number of different aspects of the episode. from the manner in which the show poked fun at itself to the way some of the characters' storylines were explained to the fact that they justified audrey's lack of presence with the fact that she was in europe working as a backup singer for john mayer (what's worse - that mayer is in "dawson's creek" pop culture or that they are saying he'll have backup singers in ten years???), i was thoroughly amused.

now i just have to see the final "felicity" - my other big college wb show - at least during my freshman year.

ok, MUST WAKE UP.

the past few days have left me desperately in need of hugs. long, tight, wrap-your-arms-around-me-so-i-can-just-curl-up-and-hide-for-a-little-bit hugs.

if you can provide this service, please find me.

i just wrote the world's longest post and managed to delete it.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

someone (who shall remain nameless, obviously) should have gone away this weekend ... as everyone else under the sun (or at least, in the greater washington metro area) appears to have done so. the timing on this earns a big ol' not so much from the judges!

holiday weekend, but the sun is hiding beneath the permadrizzle we've been enjoying as of late (why do i feel as if i'm getting the london experience without crossing the pond?) and literally no one around. every single person i know in the washington area, save two, have plans. so i'm making the best of this situation and spending my saturday exploring the daylife of adams morgan - i figure it's about time i gave tryst (the area's "central perk"-like coffeehouse) a go. there's no way it can be a muddy's-worthy experience, but i'll take what i can get and it could be nice to curl up with a coffee and book on a couch!

i also seem to have developed a cold. not a fan.

gotta laugh at things, though - i was going to wear black to tryst (no, i wasn't trying to be all hip coffee girl, it's my favorite shirt) but decided not to on the grounds that i've got enough "angst angst angst, rage rage rage" going on - all i need to do is talk to someone there for five minutes before they realize i'm conflicted enough to be considered an appropriate twenty-something "reality bites"-like consumer of java to stake a place in the joint. ;-)

oh wow, what a fun day.

i left the office around 3 today, as i would have had one of, if not a combination of, the following occur if i didn't:
- loss of sanity
- a lot of yelling
- the voluntary end of my time within the office.

honesty is desired. ok then, here's honesty (well, ok, admittedly, this isn't honest, this is sarcastic as hell). i have discovered that the following list of activities are all signs of my obvious desire to not gain the weight i need to gain but have as of yet, due to my messed up body, been unable to gain:

- increasing amount of food intake and food choice
- drinking coffee
- changing hairstyles
- not changing hairstyles
- buying new clothing
- not buying new clothing
- attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- not attempting to gain muscle mass through exercise, particularly weight training
- taking medicine
- not taking medicine
- trying to talk to people
- not trying to talk to people
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with "i'm great, thanks"
- replying to passing inquiries of "how are you?" with anything other than, "i'm great, thanks"
- alcohol consumption
- lack of alcohol consumption
- caring about how i am perceived by others
- not caring about how i am perceived by others
- being honest
- not being honest by being honest
- inquiring about a recipe for coffee cake
- accepting the offer of candy
- not accepting the offer of candy
- setting up a meal plan
- not setting up a meal plan
- being in a good mood at work
- being in a bad mood at work
- showing patience
- showing inpatience

as you can see, ladies and gentlemen, there is, essentially, nothing i can do that does not make it blatantly clear to observers that i am, in fact, clearly not interested in gaining necessary weight. while i have made it a mission to do so, quite literally, the fact remains that i am simply not doing enough.

there has been concern at work for awhile now because i lost too much weight since arriving in washington. and i thoroughly agree that i have lost too much and have been, as a result, working my arse off (that figure of speech was just for you, bethy!) to gain it back. unfortunately, however, my body hasn't been listening to me (it's just as stubborn as my blonde lil' brain is - figures), despite my best efforts (much to the delight of local area food establishments - particularly chipotle). in fact, little pow wows featuring myself and two of my supervisors have become a semi-regular occurrance.

i decided to be proactive and tell them about the steps that i've been making lately, however, so i sat down with each of them earlier this week to let them know that i'm doing well and am psyched that i think my body is finally starting to get with the program, so to speak. that way, i am being open and honest while letting them know that the coming weeks are going to be a bit of an emotional and physical rollercoaster for yours truly (for example, going from my body feeling incapable of taking in any more food without exploding one day to feeling ready to gnaw off an arm by the end of the workday the next).

however, that was, according to the supervisors, clearly indicative of my desire to hide from them the fact that things are, in fact, not going well and i am not making progress. rather than being passively evasive, i was being actively evasive. obviously.

as well, the fruit, slice of coffee cake, chocolate chip bagel and bite of pastry consumed by yours truly at the office brunch/goodbye party this morning clearly demonstrates that my lack of willingness to gain. clearly. and asking who brought in the coffee cake so i could get the recipe and try making it at home sometime? good lord, that was obviously a cry out in refusal to even consider gaining weight.

the chipotle i intend to enjoy this evening with my blockbuster selection (of "catch me if you can")? further proof.

inquiries to coworkers about meeting up for lunch, dinner or coffee sometime to catch up and see how things have been? isn't the pattern clear by now?

i'm just determined to not gain weight - that should be clear to everyone. apparently, it is.

funny how i'm the only one who doesn't seem to accept that. i must be more messed up in the head than everyone thought.

anyway, our heroine was a bit, shall we say, frustrated by the time this afternoon's pow wow was underway. suffering from the fun, previously unknown side effects of medication, riding the breaking crests of a major sugar rush brought about by consumption of copious brunch food items and an upset stomach due to overindulging in said items while in need of mid-afternoon caffeine infusion, i was not in the best state of minds to hear that i'm not making any efforts. in fact, i was tempted to tell said concerned naysayers to take their concern, understanding (and admitted lack of understanding) and oh yes, my job and shove it all because it was all serving to demonstrate just how impossible it is to show anyone that effort is being made every day and every hour. rather than do the rash thing and run off cursing, i very honestly, very forcibly explained that said awareness of my lack of effort was, in fact, the farthest thing from reality as can be and was also, incidentally, making the process increasingly difficult and taxing, again, both physically and emotionally. that the concern expressed to said supervisors by others is serving to further isolate me, as i know people are expressing concern yet choosing not to express it to me (understandably so, in some respects, i will acknowledge, as i might hesitate as well were situations reversed) and instead not talking to me at all. that when told by others that they are there for me if i need them and i attempt to open that door of communication, i find it emotionally distressing to have that door shut in my face, leaving me less likely to initiate communication in the future. that all elements, when combined, leave yours truly feeling as if at the bottom of a ravine, trying to claw up to the top and finding bits of success, only to have buckets of rocks and dirt dumped upon me by those standing at the top who say they want to help. that there is very little in my current situation and environment that is serving as a form of positivity and encouragement. that i do care about what other people think of me because i've been spending so much damn time thinking about what i think of me and how i feel that i want an outlet from that thought from time to time. and because i, like everyone else on the planet, crave some positive reinforcement, particularly during such a frustrating experience which is riddled with feelings of self-doubt, from others. which i am, for the most part, not finding, instead being told that i'm not trying.

anyway, following this and further showing the good-yet-utterly-paradoxical nature of my office, i was given hugs, votes of encouragement and offers to be able to head home to vermont for a period of time if i need it - fully paid - as well as the rest of the afternoon off.

??????????

i need a vacation.

i might not have a voice this morning (well, forget the might part - i really do not have a voice right now!), but i can always type ... and since it's friday ...

1. what brand of toothpaste do you use?
crest at the moment, but my favorite, since i'm a cinnamon junkie, is closeup.

2. what brand of toilet paper do you prefer?
i'm not a particular toilet paper connoseuir - as long as it's soft, i'm happy. i tend to go with whatever's on sale.

3. what brand(s) of shoes do you wear?
i have my adidas sambas, but other than that, payless all the way!

4. what brand of soda do you drink?
i don't drink soda - i drink coffee, tea, water and alcohol! ;-) but when i do, it doesn't really matter to me - whatever's there. but i do not like mountain dew or other similar "jolt them with caffeine so they don't notice it tastes like hell" beverages.

5. what brand of gum do you chew?
trident. while i used to be a cinnamon addict, i've broken myself of that addiction and now chew original flavor, as it's tasty and the flavor lasts longer.

ohmigod, my throat is driving me insane - the medicine i've been taking showed some of its "side effects" last night. i felt like my throat was closing up and my tongue was twice its normal size (i know, great imagery, eh?). i couldn't sleep, i couldn't do anything but sit there, pray for the gods to be kind and let me get some rest (which they finally did around 3 a.m.). today i am dealing with the worst sore throat known to mankind, which i nursed this morning with some warm (but not hot) coffee and a very carefully consumed (and, fortunately, very soft) bagel ... i needed to get some breakfast in me, i could just imagine being at work without being able to speak very loudly AND ready to faint from lack of breakfast ...

good lord, i hope this isn't indicative of the day i am going to have. ;-)

you know what? you can do everything under the sun to make someone like you - be nice, be sweet, be honest. show concern, ask questions. try opening up and then try to shrug off the less-than-open reactions. show strength, show weakness. flat out ask if you've offended someone. try to be a friend and figure out what is is that defines being a friend for the other person.

but the basic reality of the situation is, sometimes, that there's nothing you can do. there are someones out there (yes, i intentionally used poor grammar) who are just not, at least at this moment in time, willing to be a friend back. whatever the situation appeared to be in the past doesn't matter. whatever the future holds doesn't matter right now. the fact remains that for the present, it's just not going to happen.

and know what? that's ok. it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with the other person. it's just how things are. and that's got to be perfectly fine because there is nothing under the sun that will change the situation, so why worry about it and why fight it? there are more important things to focus on, more important things to worry about.

i'm here, i'm open to friendship and i remain determined to make my place here. if people don't want to be a part of that right now - or, if there's something making people hesitate, at least - i'm here when they want to be. if they don't, i'm not going to feel like there's something wrong with me.

how about that for being self-confident?

the walk from union station to my office this morning was absolutely glorious.

it really shouldn't have been, for all intensive purposes. crowded walkways filled with the commuters disgruntled by the downpour of rain and splashing of puddles as oblivious drivers navigated their cars and vans on paths incorperating the maximum possible splash factor while the morning news' promises of days of rain echo through their damp heads. the individuals who failed to either listen to or heed the warnings of the morning weather report glaring enviously at those who had actually brought umbrellas. grumblings of resentment about the lack of warm weather resonating through the masses while paper coffee cups threaten to buckle as the raindrops splash on them.

it really should have been one of those situations where i walked off the metro, bustled up the stairs and dashed to work as quickly as possible so i could avoid as much of the displeasure as possible. instead, it was glorious.

as i walked, my umbrella kept me nice and dry, the air felt thick and warm with the moisture and my footsteps felt confident and light as i dodged the splashes and navigated the cobblestones. a smile on my face, i was nestled snugly in the very center of a bubble of comfort and positivity - the sounds, sights, even smells of the city were soft and soothing. what was it that brought such a wonderful feeling about? the taste of the warm sourdough bagel this morning? the beckoning promises of the rich coffee kevin would have brewing when i arrived at the office? the way the scents of my new cocoa butter lotion and old chocolate chip cookie lip gloss combined to make me think of my mother's baking? or was it the way i could hear james cagney's voice in my head as i read from his autobiography on the metro on my way in?

a bit of everything, i believe. the individual pieces came from the potential jumble of daily life and clicked into place to produce a feeling of temporary perfection.

moments like that - sensations like that - make me realize just how wonderful life can be. it's a welcome feeling, as things have been physically and emotionally over- and underwhelming at the same time lately. there is a lot on my plate right now (ok, really bad, incredibly unintentional play on words there) while, all things considered, there really isn't. it is as if my life is one huge series of dichotomies and i just have to sort them out one by one - or accept the fact that i don't have to sort them all out, i just need to be for awhile. good lord, just start calling me kierkegaard already, right?

nevertheless. i sit here now, sipping my coffee, rambling onto the computer screen, the rain falling outside and a smile on my face. things are good.

just because ... random survey.

// YOUR ROOM, WAKING UP //
01. What color are your walls? cream
02. What color is your bedspread/sheets? bedspread - light blue. sheets - pale yellow
03. What color is your rug? beige
04. Any posters/bulletin boards/designs in your room? framed posters/photographs/artwork/collages. theatre cards/programs in one corner. tickets and media passes in another corner.
05. Do you have a TV? Is it big? yes and no
06. Do you have a phone? land phone and cell.
07. Do you have your own computer? yep.
08. Do you have a desk? yes. do i use it for desk-like activities? no.
09. What are your most treasured belongings in your room? hmm ... my photographs.
10. What are your most favorite things in your room? besides the fact that the expression "most favorite" is gramatically despicable ...
11. Do you have any fancy lights in your room? i have a snazzy lamp that i like ...

// GETTING READY //
01. What is the first thing you do when you wake up? curse the clock.
02. Anything unusual? i don't believe so ...
03. Do you pick out your clothes the night before school? if i went to school, i might feel compelled to answer ...
04. Do you try your best to look cute for school? why do i feel like i should be responding with a valley girl attitude with these questions?

// HOME //
When you come home are you. . .
01. Miserable? isn't everyone sometimes?
02. Happy? see previous answer
03. Tired? see previous answer
04. LEAVE ME ALONE? see previous answer

// OTHER //
01. Do you take walks around your neighborhood sometimes? quite frequently.
02. What are some hobbies of yours? writing, reading, music, exercise
03. Do you collect anything? memories
04. What do you do in your spare time? work on my plan for world domination or write the great american novel.
05. Are you in love, or at least falling? nope.

// NIGHT TIME //
01. What do you do before you go to bed? stretch, get everything set for the next morning, etc ...
02. Do you kiss your parents/guardians goodnight, or just say "goodnight"? while my roommates and i are close, we're not that close ... just say g'night.
03. What way do you sleep (ex: on your side, tummy, etc.)? on my left side.
04. Do you like your life? i'm workin on it.

Survey 2

[ Current Clothes ] black shirt and jeans.
[ Current Mood ] contemplative.
[ Current Music ] the television - "the osbournes"
[ Current Taste ] gum.
[ Current Make-up ] none.
[ Current Hair ] disheveled.
[ Current Annoyance ] shoulder injury.
[ Current Smell ] yankee candles - christmas cookie.
[ Current Favorite Artist ] musical - jason mraz. art - picasso or matisse.
[ Current Desktop Picture ] arcadia set.
[ Current Favorite Group(s) ] averi. radiohead.
[ Current Book you're reading ] dupont circle.
[ Current CD in CD Player] live mraz.
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] au natural.
[ Current Refreshment(it's called draaaank) ] coffee.
[ Current Worry ] physical health.

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ] ed.
[ You Talked to ] my mother.
[ You Hugged ] ben.
[ You Instant messaged ] erica
[ You Yelled At ] my brother?
[ You Kissed ] i can't even remember, to be honest ...

FAVORITE...
[ Food ] chipotle.
[ Drink ] coffee, tea, water. alcohol - vodka cran
[ Color ] black, blue, yellow.
[ Album ] jeff buckley - grace.
[ Shoes ] my sambas. or swinger shoes. or red sneakers. i like shoes. ;-)
[ Candy ] mike & ike. or jelly bellies.
[ Animal ] kangaroo.
[ TV Show ] west wing.
[ Movie ] many.
[ Dance ] ????
[ Song ] many.
[ Vegetable ] broccoli.
[ Fruit ] apple.
[ Cartoon ] as in comic or television? powerpuff girls, calvin & hobbes, the ever-classic peanuts ...

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ] i like to think so.
[ Open-minded ] at times.
[ Arrogant ] have been in the past.
[ Insecure ] very much so.
[ Interesting ] yes, although i don't always make it evident or realize it.
[ Random ] i am nothing but randomness at the moment.
[ Friendly ] i like to think so.
[ Smart ] yes.
[ Moody ] i admit it - definitely.
[ Childish ] i certainly can be.
[ Independent ] working on it. and i alternate between extreme independence and extreme dependence.
[ Hard working ] yes.
[ Organized ] creatively.
[ Healthy ] working on it.
[ Emotionally Stable ] working on it. ;-)
[ Shy ] very.
[ Difficult ] i admit this too - i certainly can be.
[ Attractive ] ...
[ Bored Easily ] can be.
[ Messy ] can be.
[ Thirsty ] not at the moment.
[ Responsible ] yep.
[ Obsessed ] when i decide to do something, i embrace it 110%, for better or worse!
[ Angry ] not at the moment.
[ Sad ] not at the moment.
[ Happy ] not overwhelmed with joy, but not UNhappy ...
[ Hyper ] at times.
[ Trusting ] at times.
[ Talkative ] at times, but not as much as i should be.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ] my, we're bitter, aren't we?
[ Slap ] ???
[ Get Really Wasted With ] orlando bloom so i can take advantage of him in his intoxicated state. ;-)
[ Get High With ] if i were to get high, it would be fun to smoke up with mraz.
[ Look Like ] if i were to look like someone else, kate hudson. but i'd be happy with me as i hope to be shortly!
[ Talk To Offline ] ms. elizabeth!
[ Talk To Online ] whoever's also online ...

ok, and i'm spent.

hey, is the new radiohead album out yet?

my mother gave me the link to one of the funniest blogs ever ... the "dullest blog in the world." i love it!

i feel very odd today - but in a good way more than a negative way. i feel as if everything's kind of spinning about and i'm encountering the possibility of change and growth - which is frightening just as much as it is exciting. it doesn't make a lot of sense to me at the moment, so there's no way it could possibly make sense if i were to try to describe it here, so i'll hold off on that for now, but a couple of highlights ...

- i'm making big efforts to be more outgoing. this is so much more difficult for me to do than i think anyone realizes. but i'm trying.

- i love feeling like i have the possibility of making a new friend. :-)

- a really tasty drink: skyy vodka, ginger ale and a little orange juice. garnish with lime. better than a screwdriver - reminded me of what a mimosa must taste like.

- i ate red meat for the first time in months last night. i ate a cheeseburger. the world rejoiced. i was pleased with myself.

of course, the friday five for the week...

1. what drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
i've never been overly picky regarding that - tap, britta, whatever. as long as its water and it's not, well, nasty, i'm a happy girl. water = gooood.

2. what are your favorite flavor of chips?
i'm not a big chip girl - but tortilla chips are good and apple chips are good - which admittedly aren't chips in the strict sense of the word, but they're tasty nonetheless.

3. of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
considering that i can barely cook anything to save my life ... my lasagna has always been successful and, as of late, the spinach spaghetti/veggie/gardenburger meal i've concocted is very tasty. i might go with that for an answer.

4. how do you have your eggs?
omlet with green pepper, broccoli, onion, mushroom and tomato please!

5. who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
the chipotle woman last night. it was delicious. ;-)

i have never been a coffee drinker. in fact, up until a year or so ago, i hated the taste of coffee (save coffee ice cream, which is a whole other story - but, then again, isn't that always the case with ice cream?) and couldn't drink it at all. then, about a year ago, i tried iced coffee and enjoyed that, so i could drink coffee cold, just not hot. when i was freezing to death at the orioles game back in early april and warmed up over a cup of coffee, i figured the only reason i liked it was because i was so cold and it was a warm drink.

but this week, i discovered that coffee is another addition to the "list of tastes/foods/items vickie used to hate but now loves." i was at a reception at the library of congress during my lunch hour on wednesday (kevin had asked me to attend it at least for a few minutes and it was a 'chocolate extravaganza', so how could i possibly pass that up?) and decided, for whatever reason, that a cup of coffee sounded somewhat appealing. or at least the idea of it. so i gave it a shot and absolutely loved it.

yet again i thought it must be a fluke - the combination of chocolate and coffee had tricked me into thinking the latter was better than it truly was. but, this morning, my third coffee experience finally led me to realize that i have become a java fan - not to mention i've been reaping the benefits of the caffeine-buzz wave that has washed over me today! my cup o' joe this morning certainly gave me a little extra something for my tour of the capitol, which was, by the way, probably one of the most enjoyable tours i've given yet - score! and it's made the day go by quite quickly, which is always a bonus.

so i finally join the other legions of coffee drinkers in the world. if i have learned to like coffee, do you think beer's next?

i didn't think so either. ;-)

so i could have gone home after work last night and enjoyed a very packed evening of television goodness. with "american idol", the last "dawson's creek" (gasp! tear!), "the bachelor" AND the season finale of "the west wing", it was a night of much must-see tv. not to mention the opportunity to relax, do some exercising, make some dinner, yadda yadda.

instead, i headed over to the warner theater for the washington premiere of "the matrix: reloaded", since the bossman was unable to attend and there a couple of spare tickets up for the taking. mary kate and i snatched them up and headed over with fellow lucky ticketholder chris (who scored his ticket through his girlfriend) after the close of business.

first of all, i'd never been to the warner before, where normally they hold concerts, comedians, traveling productions of plays or musicals ("rent" and "beauty & the beast" among them) and the like. the thought of seeing a movie there was intruiging, to say the least. and the place was absolutely gorgeous. ritzy lobbies and full gold and crimson curtained, gilded edges type of glamour going on in this place. akin to the style of the palace theater in albany, for those who enjoyed that spectacle at the tori amos show. our tickets were for the mid-balcony, so mk and i found seats almost in the direct center, about four rows back in the mid-balcony area and reveled in the randomness of the opportunity. then, after commenting on how it was nice to see how the ritzier half lives, we headed down to the bar, where i sipped a complimentary chardonnay (wasn't a big fan of that particular bottle - who would have thought i'd be getting a taste for the stuff?) before switching to coffee and then picked up our boxed meals from dean & delucca (bag o' chips, nice, soft cookie (mine was oatmeal raisin - yum!) and sandwich (options included roast beef, turkey, roast chicken and my choice, the vegetarian sandwich) before heading back to our seats to munch on our gifts and chat before the movie started. all was very tasty.

anyhoo, shortly after 7, the aol-time warner people came out and gave a couple of speeches, the most amusing being by one of the heads of the company commenting on how he had seen the movie four times by this point and still didn't fully get it - and asked if anyone can ever truly "get" a "matrix" movie. after the expected thank yous and applause, the movie began. without trailers! whoo hoo!

wow - anyone who enjoyed the first movie definitely should see this one - and see it in on the big screen! one of the things i love and hate about the "matrix" series is how there's an incredibly thought-provoking storyline without there necessarily being a storyline - as if keanu reeves could pull off a storyline, right? but the philosophical aspects of the plot is always so thought-provoking - and this one is no exception. the special effects and fight sequences are, naturally, absolutely amazing - they managed to raise the bar with this one, which i didn't think they'd be able to do, to be honest - although i had to chuckle during each sequence, as i kept thinking about how it reminded me of jackie chan with a much larger budget and slow motion. there are cinematic aspects of it that capture the essence of life and passion that just blew me away - and there's humor! in typical "matrix" deadpan fasion, of course. my "romeo & juliet"-loving self was thrilled to see harold perrineau, jr (who played mercution in "r&j" and was one of my favorite actors in the film), who proved to be one of the film's absolute highlights. and, with all "matrix" experiences, i made my way home wishing i knew kung fu. ;-)

but the good thing about the film is that it stands on its own as a film - you don't need to have seen the first one in order to enjoy the second (a fact confirmed by mk and beth, chris' gf). so i recommend it for everyone who likes a thought-provoking movie experience or a kickass cinematographic experience.

anyway - 'tis thursday - and 'tis nearly someone's birthday! on saturday, everyone must think happy birthday thougths for one imsopredictable ... otherwise known as the delightful paul!!!

i'm going to see "the matrix: reloaded" tonight at the warner theater.

special screening.

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

last car ride: the trip to the airport yesterday morning - wasn't overly conscious for it.
last kiss: long time ago
last good cry: about a week and a half ago
last library book checked out: a whole batch yesterday. currently reading "dupont circle"
last movie seen: guffman?
last book read: last book finished was "kissing in manhattan"
last cuss word uttered: i'm sure it must have been fuck
last beverage drank: cinnamon apple spice tea
last food consumed: strawberry yogurt banana. the gum i'm chewing doesn't count, i've decided.
last crush: orlando bloom. ;-)
last phone call: someone who needed to talk to the press dept.
last tv show watched: the today show. still ongoing.
last time showered: at about 5:30 this morning
last shoes worn: my comfy brown leather slideons
last cd played: mraz, big surprise
last item bought: chipotle
last downloaded: tori
last annoyance: this damn pain in my left side (no, i'm not having a heart attack, thank you)
last disappointment: that the pain didn't go away while i slept.
last soda drank: diet coke (with rum in it)
last thing written: diet coke (with rum in it). or my cover letter for a journalism job.
last key used: .
last word spoken: 'mornin'
last sleep: last night
last im: last night
last sexual fantasy: aren't we risque?
last weird encounter: define 'weird' ...
last ice cream eaten: vanilla. part of an apple crisp dessert.
last time amused: this morning.
last time wanting to die: this morning, when i tried to hoist myself out of bed (did i mention the pain thing?)
last time in love: in love with someone? never. in love with life? always.
last time hugged: around 6 a.m. yesterday morning.
last time scolded: this weekend?
last time resentful: yesterday afternoon.
last chair sat in: the office chair my arse is currently parked in.
last lipstick used: dr. pepper lipsmacker.
last shirt worn: sage green long sleeved "rugby" shirt
last time dancing: need to work on that - been awhile
last poster looked at: a print here in the office
last show attended: mason jennings at the black cat (i suck!)
last webpage visited: google.com

1 MINUTE AGO: typing and on the phone
1 HOUR AGO: opening the office
1 DAY AGO: walking to work
1 WEEK AGO: doing the same damn thing i'm doing now
1 YEAR AGO: in disbelief that i had graduated college the day before

I HURT: on my left side. i think i pulled a muscle or two or something.
I LOVE: this tea.
I HATE: feeling tired.
I FEAR: being alone.
I HOPE: to regain strength quickly.
I FEEL: physically weary, yet emotionally vibrant.
I HIDE: more than people realize.
I DRIVE: an imaginary car when in d.c., a green 1992 saturn sl1 when in the northern part of the country.
I MISS: being a wiseass all the time.
I LEARNED: that i'm an overachiever. with everything.
I NEED: to gain back what i lost. in a variety of ways.
I THINK: i'm in a state of mind where i can. but it's hard.

current clothes: same shirt described earlier and camel-colored dress pants
current mood: spunky
current music: a loreal commercial.
current taste: trident original flavor. yum.
current hair: behind my ears.
current annoyance: there are a few of those!
current smell: cocoa butter. yay!
current thing i should be doing: working on tours.
current desktop picture: a digital blasphemy wallpaper.
current refreshment: tea's gone - now a bottle o' water.
current worry: this pain.

1. What do you most like about your body?: someone once told me my fingers were faerie-like. that's always stuck with me.
2. And least?: now is not exactly the time to discuss that with me ... let's say i'm a work-in-progress.
3. How many fillings do you have?: don't recall.
4. Do you think you're good looking?: i'm me, undergoing a renovation process. ;)
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? i'm told that, yes. but in adams morgan at 1 a.m., there are a lot of "good looking" utterances made.
6. Do you look like any celebrities?: i don't know - do i?