thoughts:

when one rehearses a monologue with a british accent over and over again, having to deliver the same monologue with an american accent is ridiculously difficult. i think i'm just going to speak in a british accent from now on.

it's been a hectic day--work followed by two classes (including the first defender class) followed by the drama picnic (thought: i miss louns) followed by auditions followed by the free press meeting. i went over to visit becca tonight, which was great.

we all spend so much time convinced that we haven't really grown all that much since arriving at college. i've been looking at the past three years and have been amazed that they've raced by in the manner they have. most of the time, i don't feel significantly different. but already, this year has shown me that we have grown up...and this change is good in some ways, and sad in others. i'll be honest, i miss the way things used to be a lot of the time, the faces that were a constant part of my life, and things that i never thought would change. but they have, and they could never be that way again because i've changed. and, while things are rough at times, i've got to keep in my head that i've changed for the better. and i have great things about my life now--the good friends that i have are absolutely amazing and keep me sane, an all too difficult task sometimes. :)

other people need to remember that they're good people too. i just keep on hoping that someday, things will change yet again and the people i miss will be a part of my life again...and if they aren't, there was a reason for it.

it's just hard to keep in mind at times.

now i'm big and important
one angry dwarf
and 200 solemn face
are you
if you want to see me
check your papers and your t.v.
look who's tellin' who what to do
Kiss ass my ass good-bye

so i'm reading dinner with andre, a play/screenplay/conversation between two theatre types. cathy told us to really focus on it when we were reading because you pick up on a lot about life during the course of the play...which, when i first started reading it, i completely didn't get. but it's starting to make sense to me--a lot of sense, actually. i highly suggest everyone reads it.

i'm rather tired and i'm in an odd mood--not sure why. i feel like i'm being a recluse or something, but at the same time, i have limited spare time because things are going to get hellish soon. so i've been doing what i need to do to try relaxing...but in an odd mood nonetheless.

BLEARGH

i fully intended to drop directing this morning.

instead, i think i'm taking it. there are only four of us--myself, baz, amanda, and jess. and to top it all, we got our plays today, and i'm doing i burn this by lanford wilson. i have a special place in my heart for wilson, as he wrote fifth of july, which i reviewed at actf.

it is going to be a crazy semester. but i brought it on myself, and i probably won't get cast in arcadia anyway, so it'll be ok.

it will!

Commissioned by the Circle Repertory Company, Burn This first appeared at the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles in 1987 to near-universal praise. Set in the bohemian art world of downtown New York, this vivid and challenging drama explores the spiritual and emotional isolation of Anna and Pale, two outcasts who meet in the wake of the accidental death by drowning of a mutual friend. Their determined struggle toward emotional honesty and liberation-by no means guar­anteed at the play's ambiguous end-exemplifies the strength, humor, and com­plexity of all of Lanford Wilson's work and confirms his standing as one of America's greatest living playwrights.--jack kroll, newsweek

now playing: glen phillips, fred myers

do i want to drive to northampton for howie on the 29th? for some reason (probably the prospect of driving all that way), i'm not super excited...but it would be about the same as going to boston...bleargh. i need to think about this.

for crying out loud, it's LITTLE LEAGUE. this is getting pathetic.

i don't know why i always do this...i swear i enjoy beating myself up sometimes.

so i'm auditioning for another play. arcadia, by tom stoppard. it's all because of this stupid desire i have to be on stage for a mainstage production, where i will cast off my shell and magcially transform from vickie to another person in completely different time.

but i've been onstage (just not for a mainstage), i've tried my hand at acting, and i cannot do it. i've been ridiculously frustrated with myself because i can't do it because it's something that, in the back of my mind, i've always wanted to do. and i cannot stand not being good at it, so i work harder to be good at it, and i get more frustrated. so after every time, i tell myself i'm not going to do it again.

then a new play rolls around, and i'm all about getting a copy so i can start learning it.

i never became involved with theatre when i was growing up, mainly because i was scared to do it. i had to work at sports just as much as anyone, but they came pretty naturally and i excelled at them (that sounds ridiculously cocky, but it's true). writing has always been a part of me, and i can't not do it. academics have never been really difficult for me (although in my time here, i've definitely met some challenges). acting was something everyone told me i should try, but i was always worried about failing, and i always had a reason to not try--i was playing sports, i was working on the weekends, whatever.

i can't not try now that i've got a place in the theatre department. i've come very close to not auditioning because i've got legitimate reasons not to--if, god forbid, i was cast as anything, this semester is going to kick my ass, with defender, drama club, and if i do take directing class. but if i don't audition, i'll be pissed off at myself and wonder what if...but i know after i do audition, i'll be frustrated with myself because there was something that i couldn't do, something that i wasn't good at.

and the whole thing makes me sound like a whiny, cocky little diva, which i hate.

AURGH. enough thinking about it already. sleep.

i finally downloaded some ben kweller...about damn time.

feeling rather conflicted the past couple days...on one hand, it's a bit depressing to be involved in coversations in which names are mentioned that apparently everyone knows, yet i don't. it feels a bit like i should, and therefore i wonder where the hell i've been for the past three years. was i under a rock? was i cast to stand under a sign labeled "other"? have i been missing out?

but then, on the other hand, do i really want to know them? because, while i'm sure they all have some good qualities about them somewhere, i don't feel terribly inclined to know them...if i've made it through three years without, i'll obviously survive...and the people i do know would make up for a million names without faces.

but still...it's an odd feeling to have...still strange feeling like somewhere along the way, i took a different path...i'm not sure what the hell i'm saying. i don't want superficial relationships with people--but there's nothing nicer than coming across someone in passing and getting a hug hello or being questioned about the summer and the prospects of the year.

i need to go make the rounds tomorrow or something.

it's been good to see that people are back, though. there are definitely faces that i've missed over the past few months.

i cannot believe classes start tomorrow. directing at 10:00--need to figure out if i want to take it or not. aurgh.

listening to: ben kweller, sha sha

interesting...a yahoo search of "pat mcgee" and "tablature" provides a link to here.

i downloaded a mp3 of jeff buckley reciting "ulalume"--edgar allen poe--the other day, and i'm listening to it now with headphones. a fantastic track, particularly with the headphones making it sound like buckley was speaking directly by my ear...

next addition to the "they died way too young" list of artists is aaliyah...holy schnikies.

and not nearly as serious, but when we left joe's tonight, the red sox were in the seventeenth inning against texas. WTF?

why the hell i'm still awake is beyond me. audiogalaxy is an absolute dream--i have found so much random stuff--i'm a kid in a candy shop right now. it even has bran'do.

all of the songs i've been looking for forever are listed.

and that is my plug for the evening. i am now going to attempt to sleep. i'm getting the digital camera from paul tomorrow so i can get shots of people moving back onto campus this weekend. and driving back home tomorrow afternoon so i can see my brother's punk rock band shock rutland at the park. i'm bringing my normal camera for this event (somehow i doubt paul would appreciate my using the digital--way to make a great first impression as exec ed, eh?)

only at almost two a.m. do i feel compelled to put pictures up on the blank wall.

apparently i'm on crack.

c'est la vie--time to pull out the masking tape.

defender email still not written. tomorrow. tomorrow.

now that i've got a fast connection again, i'm downloading music like crazy. right now i've got both audiogalaxy and kazaa running--i finally got to hear all of rockin the suburbs (downloaded it as well, plan on buying it when it comes out, it's outstanding), and am pleasantly surprised to find a shitload of jeff buckley rarities.

i now need to compose an email to the editing staff of defender welcoming them back. i don't know what the fuck to write--hi? trying to find a way to tell them that defender's a lot of work without scaring them away. this is much harder than i thought it would be.

and the blank wall by my bed is killing me. i need to put up my splatter wall o' pictures before i go mad.

the surprise was a batch of frozen mudslides. :)

after going to sleep ungodly early last night (i was crashing plus i didn't feel well), i've had a great first full day here. bethy and i spent the afternoon in burlington--how i have missed this city...wandering church street, enjoying the sunshine and feeling completely carefree, wandering into stores (the favorites were the nunzilla--fucking hilarious, shoots sparks out of her mouth, and a trip into crow books), and my much anticipated return to muddy waters. the woodwork, greenery, and relaxing music made me finally feel like i'm officially back at school. and anyone in the area needs to try the muddy shake--a shot of expresso into vanilla ice cream milkshake is heaven in a glass. few things are worth two months' wait, but i promised myself i wouldn't go there until i was back at school and with beth, and it was worth the wait.

it feels so good to be back.

i survived the inevitable "try to get everything done overnight" last night at home and am now in my new room in my new house.

believe it or not, my room does not look like a bomb hit it, in fact, it's starting to take shape nicely. one wall is still blank--that'll change very very soon.

bethy and michelle are off getting a "surprise" for me--my girls have already surprised me with fuzzy dice for my car. i was psyched...red is going to be pimped out, yo.

last year of college. it begins. :)

HERID60A: howie 9/20 john 9/22 i'm there! are you?

damn you alicia!

HERID60A: i'm going to see howie on monday
magdalena281: at worchester, is it?
HERID60A: yup
magdalena281: aurgh. lucky bitch. ;-)
HERID60A: :-)
magdalena281: tell the boy he needs to play vermont so i can fucking see him already. ;-)
HERID60A: alright will do.

today has been an Exceptionally Random Day.

my mother and i went into town today before i had to go to work in order to get some stuff for school (as i've been doing constantly lately, wtf), and i made...interesting...purchases. the first? bright red, kickass sneakers.

the second is the scary part. my first suit. i figured i ought to have something professional looking for interviews or whatever happens to come along, and i tried on this suit as a lark, and my mother's eyes got huge when i showed her. "you must buy it."

so i did. i actually love it, which is scary as hell. i've been nervous enough about thinking about a job and a career and all of that, but looking in the mirror and seeing myself dressed the part is even nerve-wracking. maybe it's silly and foolish for something arbitrary like clothing to cause a reaction like that, but then again, i've never claimed to not be silly or foolish.

buying the suit made buying the red sneakers, a fun, silly thing, that much more comforting.

i worked my last shift tonight--THANK GOD!!!!! we got out ridiculously early because it was dead tonight--thank you people for not choosing to stop in--and ashley and chris were adorable and got me cards and little gifts and what not. and they kept telling me to "have a howie day, have a howie day". they're sweethearts. they make leaving a little sad. but i'm SO EXCITED TO BE DONE!!!!!

i knew they'd be back first semester!!! november 12...only disappointments are 1) no clint (obviously) and 2) apparently no james ricks--he's on another tour. i was looking forward to at least one of the two being back...but hey, new year, new troupe, i guess. and shakespeare, nonetheless!

the fact that i'm looking this all up shows how bored i am...i'm going to sleep already. aurgh.

this takes nicotine dependancy to a whole new level.

file that under WTF?!?!?