i realize that i never mentioned whether or not i was able to see daniel when i arrived. so here's a quick rundown before i dash back to conn to get ready for "babes in arms" at the goodspeed tonight (yay!):

i arrived here shortly before noon and walked up to the white house, where the critics' office is located. walking in, i saw dan (director dan, not daniel), who welcomed me and were all nice and whatnot. almost immediately, dan asked, "have you seen daniel yet? he was hoping he'd get to see you before he left, he's been asking all morning if you've arrived!" so i smile and feel all special and whatnot. then i met helene, who, upon being told i was victoria, said, "hello victoria! have you seen daniel yet? he wants to be able to see you." then i met sarah, the administrative assistant, who says hello and immediately says, "you're victoria? have you seen daniel yet?"

yay...and since it was lunchtime, dan led me to the mansion to get some food, telling me that daniel would probably swing by there, so that was the best place for me to be. we went in, got something to eat, sat down and were talking (helene and liza came as well), when helene looked over my shoulder and smiled. "there he is!"

i turned around to see the crazy guy, who got a huge grin on his face. we staged one of those really dopey reunion reactions and ran up and gave each other hugs. he was leaving in less than an hour and said it was about time i'd shown up, so we all had lunch together and had an enjoyable time. then he stole me away for a little while and we got to catch up on things, giving each other the usual hard time we always give each other. it was d.c. all over again.

i was able to give him a copy of one of our d.c. group shots, and we reminisced about the experience and he told me a bit about what the first session was like, and then i walked him to the car and he went off to the airport to head to d.c. (playwrighting workshop at the kennedy center--*sob*). when i went to my "mailbox" shortly after, i came across a slip of paper he and mark had left for me--each writing me a note on one side. his? typical daniel:

"vickie--

do you like me? (check one)
__yes
__no
__maybe"

then has all of the "you rock (spelled: U RAWK!)" and good luck wishes and whatnot. and, since i had barely arrived on the grounds and was all nervous about being here, it made me feel that much better about the experience to come.

so that's the daniel story. i sent him a wiseass email answering his question and throwing the question back at him, so i'm anticipating an equally wiseass response at some point. happiness.

oh, and since i didn't get to comment on this before i left, let me say this: averi was fantastic. :)

did you actually think i'd go without updating? honestly...

i'm currently at conn. college, enjoying my brief hours of free time before dinner back at the o'neill (which liza and i have dubbed the one ill theater) and a show tonight--i have no idea of what i'm seeing, all i know is that i have to write a review about it tonight and probably stay up far too late. it amazes me how relative everything becomes at this type of workshop--last night, i was estatic because i was going to be able to get five hours of sleep. i'm looking forward to sleeping in sometime in august (ack--how horrible is that to say?).

so--it's my fifth day, and i've settled into the routine with relatively few problems. my actf experiences have actually set me ahead of some of my fellow critics--i'm accustomed (relatively speaking, obviously) to the schedule: workshops in the day, show at night, review writing after the show. hell, i've been doing that twice a year for two years now. the others, on the other hand, are exhausted (not like i'm not tired, but you know what i mean) and are complaining about the grind--albeit not too loudly. meanwhile, i'm sitting here wondering where the boot camp part of "boot camp for critics" is coming in. rhiannon said she had experienced the same feelings, so i guess that for all of the disadvantages actfers have in this environment (being significantly younger than one's contemporaries, for instance), it balances out.

i'm having an extremely enjoyable experience. while i'm used to the place now, i've retained my bit of awe--the people we're working with and the things we're seeing are extraordinary. on monday, we went to the monte cristo cottage--gene's boyhood summer home and the only real home he ever knew. it was the setting for "long day's journey into night," so that alone was a neat experience--trying to imagine eugene as a child there, maryella wandering the halls and whatnot. what made the event unforgettable was reading the stage directions at the beginning of the play. we all sat in a back room and took turns reading sections out loud--and realizing that the objects described were the same as the objects around us. of course it was set up that way by the o'neill people (the house is a museum now), but nevertheless, reading about the rocking chair with the leather bottom and realizing that i was sitting in it was trippy (i made everyone laugh by rocking in it and making it creak when we came to the point at which it was mentioned).

the talent here--directors, playwrights, actors, critics, technicians--is impressive, but it's not as if people are walking around saying, "why, hello lee blessing! how is the award-winning playwright doing this morning?" it's like, "hi, lee, how's it goin'?" i was walking out of the white house yesterday afternoon when he passed by (i hadn't been introduced, so i couldn't be like, "hey, what's up, lee?" but i have said hello in passing), so i smiled and he commented on my red sneakers, telling me that he liked them. i said thanks and kept walking, then paused for a moment. lee blessing likes my shoes! lee blessing knows i have these shoes! how the hell did this happen?

i've seen three readings, two staged and one cold--the cold reading has been my favorite as of yet. i completely lost myself in the words--it's a brilliant play and i'm looking forward to seeing how it develops in the future. and of course i'm keeping all of my playbills so that i can have a list of the people i saw here--they bring in some incredible people.

i'm still giddy about the fact that i saw daphne rubin-vega perform twice. mimi from the original "rent". !!!! and that i was at the company hour during which we were addressed by a.r. gurney. so cool...

much as i want to keep going on about the experience, it'll have to wait. i must return to the dorm, take care of my sunburn (only a light shade of lobster, but to be expected--all of our sessions are outside and there's not an incredible amount of shade) and relax before dinner.

revel. revelrevel.

so i've finally figured out my schedule for the next couple of weeks:

i leave in the morning for boston with becca, spending the night at michelle's and seeing averi at paradise, returning to vermont saturday. sunday i head to connecticut for the o'neill, where i will be until the 27th, at which point i return to vermont. the time at home is short-lived, however, as i head to saratoga springs to see dmb at spac on the 29th and then hit the open road again, this time with my father, for a trip to d.c. because i have my interview with patrick's people on the 31st, after which we return to vermont and my future could be completely up in the air.

oy. so really i won't be readily available to anyone or anything until august 1, but, knowing me, i'll find a computer with internet access between now and then.

alright, maybe this is something that my fellow recent smc grads will understand. i hope, anyway...

i watched the final real world: chicago tonight. and, triggered by something becca had mentioned, i was surprisingly emotional watching it. not that the real worlders have such an emotional control of my heartstrings or anything, but this particular season was the last of many i enjoyed in college. this was spring semester of senior year. sometimes i'd go over to becca's to watch the show (particularly after my internship was over), other times i'd enjoy it with bethy and michelle at home. regardless of the exact details of each episode, the fact remains that it was a part of my final months of school. and when the last original episode ended tonight, so did one of the last things that i can associate with college. and facing that was actually pretty rough.

granted, i can be extraordinarily sensitive--a complete sap at times. but i definitely cried after the show. what a dope am i...

we had a corporation visit today--we knew it was coming, so it wasn't a surprise or anything, but i was still a bit nervous. i was in charge of the shift last night and making sure everything looked decent, so i knew i had a big responsibility, in addition to working dt while rory was there today. so i did my best to step it up a notch. and we did a great job. i was psyched.

so psyched, in fact, that i went running when i got home. it was a good start--not an incredible distance, by any means, but the important thing is that i went. and i'm going tomorrow. and i'm going to keep going. my muscles are tired, i know i'll be a bit sore tomorrow, but i feel absolutely incredible and i want to keep this going.

and the latest in the o'neill saga: i had information saying i could get to ct. after three on saturday. so that's what i've been shooting for. that's what i told rhiannon and daniel. now i'm being told i have to be there before four on sunday. well, after three on saturday IS before four on sunday, technically...and i certainly did not appreciate the cold nature of the email i received. yet i doubt they would relate to my argument that i need to be there so i can see a friend before she leaves and party like a rock star that night with an adorable guy...

AURGH.

today was an example of the "best of times, worst of times" rollercoaster of emotions. only starting with the worst. feeling drained of all energy and sense of reason, i was losing it emotionally at work (i'd have lost it physically as well, but i had no real ability to lose anything physically today--no energy). i was just a wreck for no reason at all. it is a rare occasion when i am such a jumble of emotions.

but i got through it and made it home, where i had email from paul awaiting me (i had emailed him asking him to be a reference, besides just wanting to say hello and see how he was doing), and his cheerful words brought my ego up a few points (which says quite a bit, as it was in near-record-lows all day). feeling somewhat energized and motivated, i am now engaging on a search for my old soccer cleats, as i have every intention of working my 11-7 shift and, on the way home, stopping by the high school to do some running on the soccer field. i've been all about this general health upgrade and feel that it's time to take it to the next level.

after i finished my last soccer game in high school, i never imagined i'd be eagerly anticipating the idea of running ucla's and hill sprints...

at work today, i was struck by the haze in the air...turns out it's not haze. it's actually smoke. debi commented on how the moon was orange--but i pointed out to her that it was actually the sun--visible clearly through all the smoke. is this like how the smog in l.a. is, i wonder?

how could i have missed something like this? he has been a legend to me since i can remember...

my blog turned up here?

came home from work to a message on the table to call rhiannon so, naturally, i did. had a chance to talk to her and daniel (turns out all three of the other dc crew are at first session). the o'neill sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun. i'm already incredibly impressed by the people who are there.

so my plan is to get to waterford early saturday afternoon, which means i'll get to spend at least a few hours with rhiannon. daniel doesn't leave until sunday, so i'll get to see him regardless, but there are plans to party like rock stars saturday night. and then two weeks of theater...it's going to be a blast.

attempting to describe a band to someone is a thoroughly daunting task, might i add. daniel asked what kind of sound averi had and, by the time i was finished trying to describe it (rather poorly, i think), he thought i was describing a "hippie jam band." averi? hmm...not so much. but it's not like i can say, "well, they sound like...averi," or just say, "they're good." i'm sending rhiannon a copy of my averi cd, so daniel can hear them then and realize just how un-hippie-jam-band-esque they are.

it was so good to hear both of their voices tonight...i've missed the dc gang.

"let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together."
"i've got some real estate here in my bag."
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and mrs. wagner pies
and we walked off to look for america

"kathy," i said as we boarded a greyhound in pittsburgh
"michigan seems like a dream to me now"
it took me four days to hitchhike from saginaw
i've gone to look for america

laughing on the bus
playing games with the faces
she said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
i said "be careful his bowtie is really a camera"

"toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"we smoked the last one an hour ago"
so i looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
and the moon rose over an open field

"kathy, i'm lost," i said, though i knew she was sleeping
i'm empty and aching and i don't know why
counting the cars on the new jersey turnpike
they've all gone to look for america
all gone to look for america
all gone to look for america

tickets: purchased.
outfit: purchased.
sandals: purchased.
research: conducted.
FP resume: almost done (tomorrow morning).
sleep: now.

i should, with all luck, have in my posession, within seven to ten days, my very own, brand-spanking-new, 7.1-pound, black-and-silver-case, dvd-included laptop computer.

happy, happy me.

so, a quick update. dave matthews band tickets are being purchased tonight. the rest of my outfit for The Big Job Interview will be purchased tonight. the much-lusted-after and much-needed pair of sandals (to replace the ones that died) will be purchased tonight. i figure the sandals are, besides being lusted after and much-needed, well-deserved after the day i worked today and considering that i'm pulling overtime this week. the fact that i still fit into a children's size sandal (therefore saving me at least ten dollars) doesn't hurt either.

so, all in all, a very happy victoria.

furthermore, i request and recommend that people participate in this, courtesy of the averi mailing list:

Beginning July 3rd @ 6 p.m. CST (that means 7 p.m. if you're somewhere 'round Boston like us) Averi will be participating in a Jim Beam/Rolling Stone Band Search contest in which they were pre-selected out of hundreds of bands for, and will be up against four or five other bands in this round. There's a couple different rounds of this, but your vote would be greatly appreciated (there's all sorts of prizes and opportunities if we take this thing), and you can only cast your vote ONCE.
Here's the link
The voting ends July 10th at 6 p.m. CST.
(if you go the link above prior to the contest start time, you will not be able to find info on Averi just yet, simply wait til 6 p.m. CST on July 3 to rock it)

&$)@*$_(@_%*@_*(%^@^?!?!??!?!

at least james franco is also on the list--i approve of that.

found a mayer interview.

I tend to think that, after hearing Room for Squares, that just me and acoustic guitar is a little boring sometimes.

if that's boring, i'll take boring any day.

check out the interview...he talks about rufus (*sigh*), and provides the funniest, somewhat disturbing mayer quote i've ever seen or heard.

Interviewer: And Rufus is someone else you want more people to listen to?
John: Yes, but then also at the same time, I'm like…
Matt [Johnson, drummer]: Don't listen to…if you're only going to buy one record, I mean, you've gotta buy John Mayer's record, not Rufus's record.
John: If you like ejaculating into books, then I guess Rufus Wainwright is a little more [for your taste] and if you like, kind of ejaculating on yourself…
Matt: Your record.
John: Right.
Interviewer: That's going to be the big quote in like, 14 font.
John: 'I'm going to ejaculate…' 14? 72, motherfucker! (Menacing voice) 'I ejaculate into books and return them late. John Mayer.'
Interviewer: Something new to ponder.
John: That's a lyric. That's a lyric. I'm going to make that a lyric.

i'm frightened even thinking about how this will show up in the search engines and who finds my site through the key words of "ejaculation" or "motherfucker"...c'est la vie. :)

The Who's Entwistle dead at 57

i have a "to do" list, and it includes (in no particular order):

- dmb tickets. figure out how many tickets to buy. buy them.
- email the o'neill to see if i can arrive on the 13th.
- email rhiannon to wish her luck at the o'neill.
- send out thank you letters.
- send out resumes.
- research for job interview.
- research laptop.
- develop the million rolls of film i have (but, in particular, actf roll).
- make and send actf/o'neill care package.
- clean room.
- unpack from college (whoops).
- email chad.

oy. i will accomplish all of these things. just not tonight. ;)

this is amazingly frustrating.

i need a job. but what job do i want? where do i apply? WHAT DO I DO?!?!?

this will be my first real post-collegiate job. i don't want to choose the wrong thing. but, then again, i want someone to actually want to hire me...

someone might be interested in actually hiring me.

!!!!!!!!

do i even need to comment on this?





what john mayer song are you?

so while i was shopping today, i stopped by a music store to look for the horribly overprinced vanilla sky soundtrack (which i want, nonetheless. i really enjoyed the movie, although it wasn't the absolutely amazing film i'd heard it was, it was still really neat), and happened to browse the cd stacks. howie day's "australia" was there--messed with my head a little bit to see that one, even though i knew of the epic rerelease--as was, naturally, everyone's new favorite artist, john mayer. "room for squares" was going for $18.99. ?!?!? i bought it for $9.99 WITH the bonus cd. much as i dig john's music (old stuff, i will restate for the fiftieth time), that cd is not worth $18.99. i didn't know whether to laugh or go up to the cashiers and inform them of the gross injustice that the store was doing by selling the cd for that much.

as i sat here a few minutes ago, i noticed my brother's collection of band patches to my right. the patches for step lively and edna's goldfish caught my eye, and i started to wonder how the reunion show was doing. while i've never seen the band before, three out of the four members are from edna's and sl. edna's brian and sl's mark and skully.

so i checked out the site and things look like they're going well for the band...it's amusing to see pictures and see how they guys have changed since sophomore year. i always think of brian as reading cosmo at guilfoil's house and i remember the other guys as they were when they crashed at our place after one of the 242 shows.

hey, it amused me.

a great surprise from texas yesterday afternoon...a postcard from the rhiannon girl! i've decided to send her an actf/o'neill care package for when she's in connecticut. it will be grand and lovely, not to mention a lot of fun to work on. :)

today i get to go shopping for a laptop--since i need one for the o'neill and i received my surprise credit money from st. mike's, i get to be frivilous (although i had initially protested and said that i didn't need one right now, my parents insist that it's an investment into my career and now i'm somewhat agreeing).

in my (finally successful) search for my averi cd, which i have been going crazy without as of late, i have stumbled across a treasure trove of college memorabilia. photos i didn't remember from freshman year, cards, notebooks (and journals) and various little souveniers from different things throughout the four years--i'm more excited than becca in an "outlet" store. :)

i have to start compiling this stuff, instead of just stumbling across it every few years...

so.

in the past two weeks, i've traveled close to 3,000 miles, seen cities like cinncinatti, minneapolis, and new york city from the window of an airplane. i've ridden through the desert as it morphed from mountains to plains to canyon to mesa. i've seen joshua trees and the ever-delightful palm trees, set back against the orange clay of southern nevada. i visited sin city after spending time in the mormon capital of the world. i saw a member of a boy band after making stops in new york city, ancient egypt, venice, rome (paying respects to bacchus inside), the circus, paris and others. i was shot 100 feet into the air from an 1100-foot-platform. i saw snakes, eagles, deer, antelope and mormon crickets (the nastiest things ever). i drank more than i thought i could and danced beneath the dancing lights of freemont street.

i loved 105 degree weather and discovered, much to my chagrin, the truth behind the "dry heat" i have heard so much about.

and, after all that, i hopped in a car yesterday, picked up two of my best friends and went on a road trip to boston to see other good friends, driving back in the humidity today.

needless to say, i'm exhausted. but happily so.

but, waiting for me in my inbox today was the latest simplesimon, much to my delight. ben at never-ever.net makes me exceptionally happy each time he sends the maling list another bit of his writing.

my o'neill experience will be sandwiched by two sure-to-be-enjoyable concerts--averi right before (yes, beth, i sent that email today--hehe), dmb right after. that's the way things should be...two nights of great music with two weeks of theater smushed into the middle. it's like a huge creative oreo cookie. without the glass of milk to dunk it in.

yeah.

at least my confusion over time zones and sleep and whatnot has served a purpose--taking a turn towards the interactive...

as i look at the clock, my eyes are telling me that it's after 3 a.m.

but the rest of me thinks it's only just after 1 a.m.

DAMN YOU MOUNTAIN TIME ZONE!!!!!

i'm back on the right side of the country...preparing for the trip to quincy in the a.m. i feel like a regular bohemian--traveling everywhere...looking forward to tomorrow's adventures.

i managed to read like it was going out of style during this trip, i realized. over the course of the two weeks (and primarily during the eight hours of flying today), i read: most of "the electric kool-aid acid test" (which i'm still feeling out--not a huge fan, but it's showing potential) and the much more engrossing "the cider house rules", "about a boy", and am currently reading "the divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood" (i'd been trying NOT to read it, but after finding it everywhere, i figured what the hell and bought it when i landed in newark). "about a boy" is absolutely brilliant--i'm going to find "high fidelity" now so i can have read the actual book, as i adore the movie. and i want to see hugh grant's take on will in the film version of "about a boy."

will write about capers when i'm home and feeling somewhat more grounded. which means probably sunday. bwahaha...always make them wait...

email from dan about the o'neill. for the first time, i'm getting nervous. AND i didn't recognize any of the other email addresses...am i going to be at this session without any actfers? crikey...

yes, i'm back from las vegas, i get back to the right coast tomorrow night. will describe all of my zany adventures very soon. but now i begin my work to become the next ari fleischer. talk to you next when i'm back in eastern time...

this amuses me to no end.

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a hunter green elephant.
You will marry andrew and have 3 kids.
You will be a mob boss in new york city.

tomorrow.

vegas.

this is going to get ugly. but will be so much fun.

i was watching the 10:00 news tonight (something i'm still getting used to) and my aunt and i saw a report about the space station being visible overhead for approximately 60 seconds while it passed over the utah sky. so we decided to check it out and see if we'd be able to catch it.

the sky was completely clear and gorgeous. the moon hung low on the horizon with a crescent visible--but, unlike the vermont crescent moons i've seen, you could still see the entire moon. mostly in shadow, but still light enough to detect. jupiter was shining brightly to the left of the moon while the sky was still slightly greenish just over the mountains.

turning to look over the house, a bright object caught my eye, and sure enough, there it was--the space station, racing away from us. incredibly bright and moving so quickly...the timing could not have been better. we walked outside just in time to catch it...it's supposed to be visible tomorrow night as well, so i'm hoping to see it again.

one of the local papers is reporting in tomorrow's edition that evidence supports a theory that elizabeth smart's kidnapping was an inside job. i found out the other day that she shares my birthday (well, she was born seven years later, but november 3, nonetheless). i don't know how media coverage has been in other parts of the country or world, but it's everywhere here--it's an odd experience for me, having heard about the kidnapping initially when i was still in vermont, now going into salt lake and seeing the posters and flyers everywhere--and everyone hopes they find her alive and safe.

things here have been relaxing--the past few days have been spent around the house, reading, relaxing, even going for the occasional run (i know, i laughed at myself as well). there is a surprise planned for me tomorrow--i'm rather frightened, but i think it involves the bar and karaeoke. just a hunch. then friday in either salt lake or tooele, and vegas on saturday.

the time will be off on this post, as i believe i have the default for eastern time and i'm currently in mountain. so i'll say that it's 4:07 p.m. as i write this.

so i'm in utah...dugway, utah, to be precise. a few quick observations:

- we think we have mountains back home. these are mountains. rocky, craggy (is this a word? c'est la vie, it is now), dotted with green, but predominantly shades of brown and gray. in order to get from tooele to dugway, we take "the pass"--an incredibly windy road that takes us through and over the mountains.

- i've seen tons of antelope, some deer, a brown eagle, five snakes, and the home of an honest to goodness polygamous utah family.

- the fact that there has been such an outpouring of help in the search for elizabeth smart is not at all surprising, considering what the people here are like. strangers will start conversing with you as you stand in line at places, and not just the "hi, how are you?" type of conversing. a girl at a restaurant started talking to me about college, as she found out i just graduated and she's just getting ready to go. an in-depth conversation followed, once i got past the "huh?" mentality. they're all like this here. as a new englander (and a pretty friendly new englander, i'd like to think), i was absolutely floored.

- the tabernacle in salt lake city's temple square is a theater technician's dream. the entire temple square is gorgeous, if not somewhat imposing (walking into the visitor's center, you can follow the paintings on the wall from jesus' birth to the resurrection, not to mention the stature they have upstairs...these mormans aren't messing around. and they love to walk up to you and start chatting, just like every other utahan i've met...it's an interesting experience (yes, i whispered "MORMANS RULE" when i entered the square).

- my aunt and uncle are insane. and they are corrupting me.

- i'm having a grand time, i am very much looking forward to las vegas on saturday. until then, i am relaxing, reading and enjoying the fact that for the first time in years, i have nothing pressing that i really need to do. it's absolutely bizarre.

first joey, then dee dee...

twas the night before my vacation...

alright, so i'm engaging in the normal "i waited until the last minute to pack so i'm trying to finish it all up while hoping to sleep a lil bit" tradition. actually making progress, in fact, almost finished. i'll probably get 3.5 hours of sleep tonight...as i'm waking up around 5:30 (ugh!) seven hours of flying with about a 45 minute layover in minnesota (i want to hear the accent!!!!!)

so have fun while i'm gone, kiddies, email me addresses so i can send postcard revelry your way. i'll be home on the 21st around 11 or 11:30 at night...then trip to quincy the next day!

thank yous to bethy, becca and chuckie for the pre-trip love...joey, sorry i couldn't call, the night was rather crazy, and, for everyone, i am relaying a greeting from chi town -- laundry sends a "HI" to you all. :)

i'm leavin...on a jet plane...

so...an update of sorts.

things are going well. my schedule has consisted primarily of working, excercising and preparing (or pretending to prepare) for my trip. a breakdown of the schedule:

- working. it appears that i really have to earn my vacation. customers annoy me, but that's life. the crewpeople have been fine, and it feels good to be working, making money and doing something that i have a complete knowledge of. gives me a bit of a confidence booster that will help (i hope) as i send out resumes and hopefully go to some interviews...

- excercising. i decided a couple of weeks ago that i needed an overall vickie health upgrade. let's face it, some of my habits and vices during school weren't exactly the healthiest choices for me. and it was fine while i was in school because i was focusing on having some fun and i didn't have a hell of a lot of time to prepare well-balanced meals and excercise every day. but i don't really have an excuse now. so i'm not doing too much--just my little weight training thing i started during school twice a day and watching what i eat (a challenge that is exceptionally daunting when one manages a mcdonald's, but i'm actually doing an extraordinary job, if i do say so myself).

- preparing for the trip. haven't actually done as much as i should on this front, but do i ever get stuff done ahead of time when preparing for a trip? i always do it the night before. i just need to finish my resumes so i can send them out...that's my biggest thing.

OH! i'll be talking to you both, but beth and joey...july 29? dmb at spac? becca told me yesterday that she's in...but we need to figure out the buying of tickets and if you are still interested in attending...

a wonderful surprise was waiting for me when i got home from work this evening.

a card from julie, my news editor for defender, wishing me a happy graduation and talking a bit about working on the newspaper this semester.

i finished reading it and felt like a million dollars. so sweet.

in other news, my father spoke with my uncle about whether or not i'd be safe flying out west, with all of the seeker missle reports that have been circulating (you know...terrorists snuck missles into the u.s. and might be preparing to shoot aircraft while in flight).

fear not, the reports are not as scary as they seem, i hear. ultimately, my father said it all depended on me, since i'll be the one flying and all.

my response? bring on the missles. with all due respect, who's going to shoot down a plane going to minnesota? and, after i get on my second flight, who's going to shoot a plane destined for salt lake city? someone planning on taking out all of the mormans? "those pesky mormans, nothing but trouble..." come on! mormans rule! ;) (that was for you, bethy and joey)

i'm not going to let my plans get all messed up because of a few little missles that won't come near me anyway. SO TAKE THAT!

unfortunately, however, i'm going to have to earn this vacation. work has been unbearable lately. want to run screaming from the place...a couple of weeks away will definitely be theraputic.

i leave for my adventures out west a week from tomorrow.

heehee...i can't wait.

i'm really looking forward to the coming weeks. two weeks out west, including five days and four nights in vegas. i come back just in time to travel to quincy for michelle's graduation party. then a couple weeks spent working followed by averi in boston, then followed by the o'neill. then dmb at spac (i hope--who's with me???? let me know...it's the only dave show i can go to this summer). then, maybe, hopefully a job???

it should all be fine holiday fun. unfortunately it means i have little time to do that whole money-making thing, but hey, it's the summer after graduation from college. it's supposed to be fun.

my mother is officially a horrible influence on me. i've been incredibly good for the past couple weeks, conserving money and whatnot. today i blew more money than i have since i've been back. granted, it went towards great causes--a gorgeous dress for the vssa luncheon on sunday and a much-needed pair of sunglasses--but there i was, trying to be smart and rational while my mother was practically dragging me to the atm to take out my money to buy the items. it was hilarious...i figure that i got overtime last week and this week's check will be huge (relatively speaking, obviously), so i might as well treat myself to something nice that 1) i need (for the luncheon) and 2) could be considered an investment (i'll be able to wear this forever--very classic).

but i still hold her responsible if i don't save a lot of money this summer!

alright, in the most random of all incidents, i walked over to this computer just now and noticed a cd case in the little cabinet. so i looked in, and lo and behold, i find my copy of jewel's "pieces of you". which i've been looking for since the end of high school. four years and i find it in a little cabinet i've looked in countless times over the years?

so much for more regular updates. i suck. and i'm over it.

i promised this, and i know i'm going to have fun with this: begun, this clone war has...: a review

star wars episode II: attack of the clones isn't supposed to be a comedy. at least, i don't think it is. yet, for whatever reason, beth and i were laughing hysterically throughout the film when we went to see it thursday night.

the "geniuses" over at lucasfilm are obviously patting themselves on the back for a job well done on ep II. there are splashy special effects, completely digitalized characters (hello, master yoda) and battle sequences and cinematography that are incredible. it looks like a great film, and lucas has succeeded in again pushing the envelope in creating gorgeous images.

if you look at actual content, as i and hopefully many others tend to do, the film is appalling. laughable. a joke.

this is incredibly difficult for me to say, as i've been awaiting its release for months now. i've visited starwars.com religiously to get the latest updates. i downloaded trailers and the entire mockumentary "R2D2: beneath the dome," which i highly recommend. for a few brief weeks, i was as close to a true star wars fan as i think i will ever be.

but if george and his pals can promote the film this much, discuss its splendor this much, they can deal with a healthy dose of reality: it's not all flash and sparkle in the movie business. a film can be as pretty as can be (and trust me, with hayden and ewan in it, it's a VERY attractive film), but if there's no substance, there's no point.

how can anyone possibly buy the anakin/amidala love story? he hasn't seen her since he was eight. all of a sudden, he's there. she's there. i want you, i need you oh baby oh baby. yet there's a conflict: amidala says they can't. so she prances about in skimpy outfits, saying, "no anakin, we'd be living a lie," while batting her eyelashes and swooning. ???? and hayden doesn't have much to work with. he broods. he shows rage. he shows...oh can it be? ah yes, the dark side. but with the flat delivery of lines and rigid body language, he suffers the same fate as everyone else in the cast: completely wooden performances.

the hilarious points were unintentional, i fear. the confession of amidala's love (just as funny as anakin's confession earlier in the film),the kiss on the cheek during the lets-give-props-to-gladiator stadium battle (what the hell was THAT?!?!), C3P0's series of "i'm beside myself"-one-liners during the scene, shimi's death (the single WORST hollywood death i think i've ever seen), and, for the most part, any time the film seemed to try to be serious. harsh words? certainly. but it made for incredibly funny film.

ewan escaped the film with most of his integrity intact, although i was really pulling for him the whole time because he's ewan. his previous track record made it clear that he's better than this. i know hayden is, so he's still right at the top of my rankings. and yoda truly did kick ass. that was SUCH a cool scene, and i would have no problem being two feet tall, green with really big weird ears, spouting off random yoda-speak and possessing such fantastic skills.

i feel horrible writing this because it makes it sound like i had a bad time. far from it. i had a wonderful evening. i just don't think my reaction was at all what george wanted.

sorry buddy, had fun, but ep III had better be better!!!!

since i was trapped in a hellish closing shift last night, i had "the west wing" taped for me--it's the only show i watch religiously, and it was the season finale. so, a few thoughts:

- much as i acknowledge the need to give c.j. a love interest and whatnot, i was appalled by the way of introducing donovan's character. when c.j. got those threats, i thought it would be an opportunity to address something seriously--the perils of being press secretary (in many respects, one of the most seen faces of the white house). there was so much there that could be used--the fact that she was getting the threats (and how she felt about them), the fact that she spoke out about something that went against bartlett's stance (what reaction did he have? any repercussion?), and others. yet the show focuses on the fact that this major event (a death threat, for crying out loud) is an opportunity to introduce a love interest. i was hoping, hoping, HOPING it wouldn't go there, and yet it did. i find it rather insulting as a journalist that the only reason the show feels a need to address such an important part of the field is so c.j. can kiss someone.

but the rest of the show was brilliant as always. and, in fine tradition, there was yet another example of how someone on the show is sending me hints that i need to be on it. the latest example was the use of jeff buckley's "hallelujia"--one of my favorite songs--duirng c.j.'s emotional scene.

so a quick review of some of the more obvious hints this season:

- references to burlington and rutland.
- reference to "the lion in winter"--one of my favorite films
- reference to the kennedy center (ok, so that one is a stretch, but it was right after i got back from the kennedy center and even my mother was expecting a phone call from me saying, "SEE?!??!")

i know there are others that i just can't think of now. but i just find it hilarious to see what kind of a connection i can make each week. not to mention that my brother is currently meeting former president bush, sam donaldson and marlin fitzwater (former press secretary for two presidents and a consultant on THE WEST WING) at the dedication of the fitzwater center at franklin pierce.

i'm a bitter, bitter girl.

climbing out of the sky a man who could fly and a painting anyone could play. it’s a comic book crush that taught you to trust. staring out of the stands at a rock n roll band and a hero no one else could save, it was never much but it’s all that you gave. and i wonder if you wonder, or did your stars finally explode? did the thunder pull you underneath the haze? i’m amazed, then i let go. little minds let little games burn big old dreams with little flames, and you don’t think i understand. little holes in parachutes won’t leave you falling, if they do, it’s because you want to land. climbing out of his chair to fix the t.v. glare is a man but no one knows he’s there. it’s a dramamine dream that kept them alive but lost. she’s got her plastic friends and a brand new benz and she laughs, “hell, sometimes life ain’t fair” it’s a comic book crush that got them nowhere. these elevator doors are closing again you leave before i planned. i taste you walking down the hall. you left your perfume on the nightstand. -- something corporate, "little"

july 14-27 will be a very long, very frustrating, very wonderful two weeks.

i heard from dan.

second session.

dan realized that there's no way he could have all of the DC people in one session.

so, if dan gets his way, rhiannon and mark in session one.

and daniel and myself in session two.

and with session two, i will be able to go to boston to see averi at the paradise.

i am very happy about this.

revel.

except for the fact that i'm going to miss rhiannon...but i'm going to look at the session dates and see if there's a way we can meet up...maybe if i get down there a day early or something...we've got to have a meeting of the minds. :)

a quick update before i run off to work (sorry for the lack of updates--i'm still getting settled into my schedule right now--more regular posting will be coming shortly): when i got home from becca's graduation party (with chuckie and beth stopping by!!!!!!!! revel...revelrevel), there was a note for me on the table. dan had called. he was supposed to call back between 6 and 7 last night, but i didn't hear from him...so i'm hoping that he'll call today and then, after my brother does as he is supposed to, call at work so i can find out which session of the o'neill i'm going to. once that happens, i'll be able to plan the rest of my summer and life will be somewhat less crazy (relatively speaking, obviously).

will write more about the last few days later, but i'll say this: bethy really is an amazing friend...she volunteered to go see episode II with me. the fact that she is willing to sit through that movie while i drool over hayden christensen absolutely astounds me. ;)

becca also gets a gold star--she gave me graduation pictures and a present--the anakin skywalker action figure. i was laughing hysterically when she gave it to me. it has force action AND a pull-out light saber--how much more phallic can george lucas really get? but i digress.

so my father and i went on our adventure--leaving work to drive directly to wonderland, where we hopped on the t and went to fenway. watched the game, then hopped back on the t to wonderland, sleeping at my grandmother's, waking up way too blasted early, and driving back to work.

it was fantastic. it was nice to be able to have some alone time with my dad--much of the time when i would call home, i'd wind up talking to my mother, so to be able to completely catch up with him was very nice (although, in my permanent-sap mode, i was almost in tears a couple of times). my relationship with my parents is evolving rather quickly--or at least it feels that way--and i have these random moments where i realize that we never would have had coversations like the ones we have now. my father even commented on it at one point and said that it was neat. i agree, it is--but in a bittersweet sort of way (cue ben folds: "everybody knows it hurts to grow up...and everybody does, it's so weird to be back here).

fenway. ah, beautiful, lovely fenway. the last time i'd been to a sox game was a couple years back, the game that pedro pitched and the sox had an absolutely tremendous first inning, batting around and whatnot. nomar finished the game with two homers, all that jazz. must have been two years ago? not sure. anyway...it was great to be back. our seats were sweet--about fifteen rows back from the visitor dugout, so great view of everything and we were on nomar's side of the field (for those completely victoria-inept, nomar is my favorite--but i liked him before everyone else did too!!!!).

a bad first inning put them behind, a lackluster rest of the game kept them behind. it was the first game i'd ever been to where the red sox lost (perhaps my not being a student anymore jinxed me and the team. hmm...). but there were still good points. it was a gorgeous night, some of the defensive plays were brilliant (in one inning, nomar made an amazing extending leap to catch a line drive, then finished the inning shortly after with a tight doubleplay that resulted in a standing ovation), i have a new vice-favorite player (shea i-really-can't-spell-his-last-name-but-it-begins-with-an-h, who plays third base--he's someone i'm going to be rooting for in the years to come), and how can a person not have a good time at fenway???

it doesn't matter how old i am, i feel giddy when i go to a game there. walking in and seeing the hordes of people in their jerseys and hats, little kids holding mitts that are way too bid and black sharpies for autographs. making those first steps out of the concession area and into the seats, seeing the lights and the green everywhere gets me every time. yelling to the players fully aware of the fact that they can't hear a damn word i'm saying, but i just need to say it anyway.

more a little later, have to look at photos i just got back!

my father won tickets to the red sox/oakland a's game at fenway tomorrow night, so we're going on an adventure tomorrow. i'm psyched--i haven't been to fenway in a couple of years and i really wanted to get to a game this summer.

why is everything making me cry lately?

and now we have my first entry as an "over-educated freeloader."

graduation was incredibly difficult. so much harder than i thought it would be. i was blubbering like a baby for most of the day. but i primarily place my blame on the student life office at st. michael's college. because i was perfectly fine until i got to alliot and saw an envelope on my chair with my name on it.

i'd forgotten all about it--during orientation weekend freshman year, we wrote ourselves letters that would be delivered to us on graduation day. in mine, i wrote about being terrified at st. michael's and how i wasn't sure i'd be able to make it through the first part of the year--let alone to graduation day. but i knew that i would have a good time overall and i just needed to bite my lip and get through the hard times.

freshman self told senior self to stop crying (i didn't listen to my younger self, i'm sorry to say) and to enjoy the day because it was important and an accomplishment. and i told myself to say goodbye to the friends that, at the time of the letter's composition, i still needed to make. and a few other things, but that was the biggest part of it. and i told myself that i was proud of myself.

i would have had a tough time anyway, but that damn letter pushed me over the edge!

the ceremony was nice--our commencement speakers were rick and dick hoyt--father and son team that run in marathons. rick has cerebal palsy and communicates through an electronic voice device that he has to operate. he delivered the entire commencement address--13 minutes--with the device. he spent five and a half hours programming it for us. it was absolutely amazing. so many people were crying at the end--including my mom and provost sheeran. beautiful moment.

my friends all looked incredibly calm and graceful while accepting their degrees--i'm proud to report that none of us stumbled, fell, looked silly...go us!--and i teared up as each of them shook vanderheyden's hand and took their diplomas. the whole event was surreal...how on earth had we all gotten to that point? when had we grown up?

it didn't feel real when my name was called. i walked up, got my degree, smiled at the pres, then walked back to my seat. i saw baz and slapped five, saw laura-beth, but the rest was kind of a blur.

and then it was all over. it was raining when we walked out of ross (grrrr), so a lot of the crowd ran off quickly and i didn't get to see a lot of people i wanted to see, but i got to say a few goodbyes and take some pictures. caleb found me and had a card for me (made out to "fry girl"--crackhead), which was sweet. after awhile, i headed back to the house, where we all posed for millions upon millions of pictures and ate the lunch we'd prepared. mr. and mrs. lepore came, which made me incredibly happy...

partway through lunch, i don't know exactly what happened. i'd spent so much time feeling calm about graduation, and then it was all over and i just got overwhelmingly quiet and upset. i knew that if i said anything or did anything, i was going to burst into tears, and i didn't want to in front of all the people there. so i just sat in my corner and watched everything. i was perfectly content and peaceful if i just stayed like that.

finally, i knew i had to leave. had to pack up and head out because being there while everything was ending was too much for me. so i packed, cleaned, loaded up the cars, and had to say goodbye.

i cried as i said goodbye to each of the girls and when i said goodbye to drew. but i was relatively ok until i got into the car with my mom and she started to drive away. then i just burst into tears and didn't stop crying until about 20 minutes later. i can't even think about it without crying. it's amazing how wonderful something seems once it's all over. i mean, i loved college. truly truly loved it. but i didn't fully realize it until i was leaving for the last time.

the first couple of days have been alright--kind of rough just because i feel like i should still be there. it doesn't really feel over yet. but i've got the pictures coming back tomorrow, the degree, and graduation presents--it's all over. my family has been great--i've been prattling on about school constantly, occasionally crying a bit--and my parents gave me two of the most beautiful graduation presents. they got me a frame for my diploma--it's big and has black matting with "saint michael's college" in gold at the bottom and the seal at the top and a photo of founders hall--that made me cry (obviously) when i saw it, and they got me a 2002 st. michael's college beer stein that is lovely. it's amazing how sappy i am right now--if something has "st. michael's" on it, i love it. it's like a security blanket...although i haven't been able to put the "st. michael's alumni" sticker on my car yet.

i start work tomorrow and i'm already compiling all of my stuff for resumes. i just want to get everything out there so i can get a job. so i've been pouring through clips, trying to find the best ones, figuring out the best way to present all of my work and figuring out where i'm going to send things. as well as talking to my mother about budgeting and insurance and all that jazz.

reality is starting to hit me hard. and, while i know i'll be fine with it eventually, all i want right now is to be back at school with my friends.

so this is my final entry as an undergraduate at st. michael's.

we had a bunch of Important Graduation Weekend Events today--baccalaureate (i know i must have butchered the spelling on that one) and then the senior banquet. i've managed to maintain my wits throughout the past couple of days--actually, to a shocking degree...i thought i'd be a basket case--but i started to crack a bit today. as if donning the caps and gowns wasn't terrifying enough, we walked the procession route with the bagpipes and everything. fortunately, i was able to focus on keeping my tassel from blowing into my face whenever i started to feel emotional.

baccalaureate was decent enough. it was long, but i know graduation will be just as long, so whatever. i'll have drew in my row tomorrow, i think, and billy was behind me today, which was cool. i don't know--i guess it's just the realization that i'm supposedly "grown up" now--whatever the hell that means.

the senior banquet was alright--mike came closertothis to making me cry. i got an award for my work with defender--the john d. donoghue award--and mike presented it to me and talked about me and was incredibly sweet. i was determined to not cry in front of everyone, thought, and i was good.

michelle was presented with a community leader award from the class, yay!!! becca got the mlk award--i would have started a riot if she hadn't, chuckie received a huge award (much deserved)--i was very proud of everyone. hell, i'm proud of all the graduates--we made it through four years!

a family social at the sheraton followed--my parents had to head home, though, because they have to wake up early to get here and my grandmother, uncle and brother were waiting at home--which was fun. it felt quite a bit like my first alumni social--a lot of people i didn't know with the faces of friends and classmates--which was a bit disarming, but nice.

so yeah. tonight i finish cleaning up my room and the house, write out somethings, relax a bit, and then sleep in my bed for the last time. wake up early, get ready and be at the class photo at 9, then prepare for commencement.

i'm going to cry like a baby.

so, i guess i can offer my final thoughts of good ol' smc before the alumni association starts hitting me up for money:

good times. good people. the four years were a blur, but a good blur. thank yous go out to those who have shaped me along the way--you all know who you are. friends, professors, random people who popped into my life, everyone has had an effect on me, and i can honestly say that i'm happy with the way things have turned out.

alright, so i'm not even going to go into that anymore right now, because i can feel myself starting to cry...i'm going to get back to my chores for the night.

oh...chuckie gave me a card with hayden christensen on it!!! I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!

so, here i am, about 36 hours away from graduation.

how am i feeling, you ask? i'm not sure, actually. i'm a mix of dozens of emotions--nostalgia, sadness, but at the same time excitement and joy. and everything in between. it's not as if i never thought sunday would arrive--despite popular belief, i do have a healthy dose of realism running through me--but at the same point, i honestly didn't. it comes with the territory, i suppose--with every new step comes the shock that i've actually reached that point and the difficulty in imagining life beyond that point. i never thought i'd graduate high school, never thought i'd go to college, and now here i am, never thinking i'd graduate college.

the past week has been pretty decent--the highly anticipated, much-hyped "senior week" at smc. really, senior week is comprised of three days--tuesday, wednesday and thursday--where the class spends lots of time together looking back at the past four years and reconnecting with close friends and those we haven't seen since freshman year. it was pretty nice. tuesday consisted of the bbq at the president's house (where we had to wear name tags--come on, it's not like we're a huge school. does uncle marc honestly not know who we are?), followed by the senior slide show at higher ground. the slide show was great--a good mixup of people, and i was shocked by the number of times this silly mug made it into shots. very sentimental. and we all know how i do with that. at the end of the show, i cried (be prepared, this becomes a theme).

wednesday. hypnotist in the afternoon--ian, billy and tim were all under the hypnotist's "spell" and uproarious antics followed. then the booze cruise. classy sounding, isn't it? we're all sorts of sophisticated here. it was actually pretty nice--took the spirit of ethan allen III out onto the lake for a few hours, all were dressed up and the bar was pulling in lots of money for their over-priced drinks. it would have been nicer to have the cruise leave earlier--a sunset cruise would have been gorgeous. at nightfall, however, we couldn't see far and the top deck didn't have any lighting. um...yeah. but grippo played in the first floor dining room--yeah yeah!

and yesterday, orange crush (an eighties cover band) performed on the 300s field. i had been drinking all afternoon (i was in rare form), and being able to rock out to the band was incredible. we were all screaming along more than we were actually singing. good times, but also emotional. got my first official goodbye. naturally, i cried.

and then the bonfire. the bonfire is an anual tradition on the thursday night of senior week, as it gives everyone a chance to get ridiculously drunk and, if they feel so inclined, streak around the fire. my class didn't disappoint. there were some surprising streakers and others that i thought would who instead stood by the fire and laughed at everyone else.

i stood there, looking at the fire, and realized how symbolic it was...the community that has grown among the 400-odd class of 2002 members was destroyed--or at least, its current form. the members of the class are blowing away to their various jobs, activities, homes, and, except for sunday, will never be together again. but it's ok. i know i'll keep in touch with those who are important to me, and the others? who knows? maybe we'll meet up on a sidewalk somewhere one day or we'll be at a wedding where we meet up...i know these people are out there, and i know that one way or another, we'll connect again. it'll just be different.

i don't know what the hell i'm saying. i'm just looking too deeply into a process every college graduate goes through. i'll be fine, i'll be strong, i'll have the degree, i'll have my future. simple as that. the college has prepared me, now i have to go show everyone a thing or two.

i just can't believe it all starts in just over a day...

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

for all intensive purposes, i finished the last work i'll ever do in college tonight.

ACK!

i've seen some large groups in the two hundreds during my days here, but i've never seen the place as packed as it was tonight. absolutely insane. bottles were flying (i'm not just talking beer bottles, i'm talking handles), everyone there was shitfaced, so naturally, a fight breaks out. which turns into cries of racism.

like anywhere else, the race issue is a huge hotspot on campus. i mean, think about it--a small, catholic college in vermont? you do the math. and i don't usually talk about it at all because anything i say could be interpreted in a thousand different ways. anything that is said by anyone can be taken ridiculously out of context one way or the other.

but i will say this: the fight was over a girl. yet it wound up being a whole issue about oppression, nurturing, international student policy...and i'm sorry, but having someone yelling at a security officer for upwards of an hour and then hearing the security officer say that if any repercussions seem to be approaching, to call the officer so he can come in and defend the person who has just been screaming about how said officer can never understand and how the college fuels the apparently predominant attitude...it just never ceases to amaze me.

and, as i wrote that, security had left and yet more fighting broke out. this is insane.

it's scary to say, but i think i reached the realization that i'm graduating and that while i'm scared to death about whatever i'll be doing after smc, i'm ready to take that step.

patterson and kiernan were playing guitar on the mound tonight--fun times. and yes, i love to sing. i will never again feel foolish about singing because i enjoy it and if i'm ever annoying with my singing, someone can just tell me and i'll sing quieter.

in a testy mood this evening, i think going to bed is the best option. i don't know exactly what prompted it, probably a number of factors--including the damn blank walls.

so i've decided to do something a little different this year.

that's right, the famous packing procrastinator got stuff done early this year. it was due to a number of factors--the desire to put off actually finishing my practicum work, thus giving myself the impression that i'm not finished with college quite yet, the fact that my room looked like a bomb hit it and the realization that i won't really want to spend senior week being a basket case because i have to pack my room for the final time. i have a tendancy to get emotional when i pull photos off of my wall o' pictures.

so i did it all last night. and i'm talking all. my walls are bare. boxes are packed. the only things i have left in my room is a closet full of clothes (primarily because i ran out of boxes and i'd already filled my trunk), my computer, my stereo, and a few odds and ends such as my guitar and some fun pillows. everything else is in the storage room, awaiting my parents' arrival tomorrow to take it all home.

this presents things both good and bad. good: i don't have to do it later, thus enabling me to fully enjoy senior week. i now have a clean room. i was able to pride myself on being productive. bad: i still freaked as i pulled everything off walls. since i have packrat-like tendancies, i couldn't bear to get rid of many things that i know i really don't need (i justified it by thinking that when i'm famous, all of these items can go into a collection of sorts and be worth millions of dollars. my reporter's notebook from junior and senior year? oh, it'll be priceless.), so i tried to keep them all organized, but i know i'll have to spend eons sorting through everything this summer. and i now have four blank walls staring at me whenever i sit in my room. and i HATE blank walls. i'm from the "there's no need for blank space, they can be creatively filled by something" school of thought. my room was a collection of photographs, posters, programs and other various and sundry items, all organized and asthetically designed to give my room a lived-in, kind of funky style. and now there are just these fucking blank walls and i swear they will drive me mad.

beth and i played the cruelest game last night as we prepared to pack--we sat in our respective rooms and played each other songs. not just random songs, oh no. songs with "meaning." eve 6 "here's to the night," boys II men "so hard to say goodbye"--songs along those lines. it was ugly. we were both laughing and screaming at the same time. she ultimately won, however, when she hit me with vitamin c's "graduation day" or whatever the hell it's called. not just the song, which i loathe with a passion because it forces me to think about graduation, but also with beth's first official donning of the cap and gown. how cruel is that? i was laughing AND crying while i called her a heinous bitch. advice for future graduates: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME.

i've had a couple of readers critically examining this site, so let me offer a retraction:

- when i went to the post-concert party tuesday night, i traveled there with michelle AND beth. there was no malicious intent with the omission of beth's name, i was simply hungover. i deeply and sincerely apologize to beth for the shocking omission and thank her from the bottom of my heart for a fun time at the festivities. ;)

alright, my nat & carey paper is finished. am i overly astounded by my brilliance? hell no. do i care? hell no. am i a senior writing a paper for a meaningless elective course? that's a big yes.

so all i have left to do in my collegiate career is go to my practice interview tomorrow and write up my practicum stuff.

that's it.

and that whole graduation thing.

on another note, my favorite new averi song is "flutter." listen to it. fun times.

so, the benefit concert was last night at metronome.

the show was fantastic. patterson has apparently decided that his calling in life is to be a rock star. it was neat to see him on stage, rocking out and doing little guitar-player dances while cast in stage lights. he did a great job and it was wonderful of him to help us out with the show.

and then there's averi. those little punkass creeps...alright, i can't even type that without laughing. averi was wonderful. averi is wonderful.

i was incredibly nervous all day because i'd finally be meeting the band and they'd be performing and i just wanted everything to be perfect because they did so much to help out with the show. and because i love musicians, and being able to talk to them is still a thrill for me. probably always will be.

but the guys made it incredibly easy for us. they were fun and easy-going when we met, professional and talented as can be when they performed. i knew they were good from what michelle had told me and from the mp3s i already had, but i was blown away. jon came to give senior sem support, lounging in the back at the bar, and when we talked, he mentioned that if the band gets radio play, they're going to be huge. everyone who was there left incredibly impressed. meanwhile, i stood around in amazement. the band was rocking out on stage at a club and i helped make it happen. ?!?!?!??!

they mostly played originals, but busted out with a couple of covers--phil collins "in the air tonight" and u2 "with or without you." with the latter, they asked people to sing along, so michelle, beth, becca, baz and i all stood together and sang along at the top of our lungs (hey, we got compliments on it from mike after the song). their original material was great--they were having fun with it, jamming a bit and creating absolutely phenominal music.

chad thanked me and baz for putting everything together in between two songs, we got a big ol' round of applause and it felt great. but the best moment? i'd be lying if i said it was anything besides "daffodils." after the last song, michelle ran up to the stage and asked the band to play "daffodils" because it's my favorite averi song. while most of the band got a bit of a deer-in-headlights expression on their faces, chad said he could give it a shot. so the final song of the set was an acoustic solo performance of "daffodils" that chad said was for me. michelle and i stood there and sang along, laughing as chad tried to remember the second lyric (i blanked out on it myself and felt like a tool) and made up lyrics to keep playing. he rocked out to it, and i felt special.

after the show, michelle and i headed over to meg's house for the LEAP/hey-invite-the-band-over party, and drunken revelry ensued. i learned a valuable lesson (well, ok, i already knew it, but i was reminded): do NOT play flipcup--let alone three games of flipcup--when your drink of choice that evening is raspberry schmirnoff and sprite (the quote from chad: "it's going to get ugly..."). oh goodness gracious... ;) it was good to see people and hear good things about the concert, not to mention that it was great to hang out with the averi guys a bit longer. i definitely plan on seeing them sometime soon when my schedule permits--they're talented, generous, and really cool guys.

so i've talked about the performances and the band...how about the people who came to the show, you ask? i am incredibly disappointed with people after last night. in many respects, it showed me who i can count on and who i can't. my really good friends (well, the really good legal friends) were there. a lot of people i expected to be there to support baz and me just didn't find the time or whatnot to show up. i'd like to think that if the roles were reversed, i would be at the show in a heartbeat. apparently a lot of people don't feel the same way. i felt badly for averi more than anything else--they'd come all the way up from boston and i'd been talking up the burlington crowd to chad for weeks now--but, after talking with chad and matt at the postparty, i felt better. they were happy to be playing and happy to help out a good cause.

baz told me today that she had been talking about the lack of turnout with chris at the party, and he said something along the lines that while a lot of people would obviously have been great, it wasn't a big deal because they played this show for her and me. how sweet is that?!?!?!

they had fun, so i was happy. i mean, why wouldn't i be? it was like we were able to throw a private party for good friends at a bar with really inexpensive (yet exceptionally potent) drinks with a kickass band that we didn't have to pay for out of our own pockets. and we managed to raise money for make-a-wish. reads like success in my book...and as for those who didn't go to the show, they missed out. big time. they would have had an amazing time.

i'll be mature about it--i'm not going to be a bitch or anything--but i did make one phone call, explaining that i was disappointed and hurt that the person didn't go to the show and didn't even offer a "hey, good luck" or anything. but that'll probably be it. i've got people i'm pissed off at, but what good will it do for me to bother saying anything?

they just missed out. and when averi's big and famous, who will be the sorry ones?

i've finished about three pages of my ten-page literary seductions paper, and i think i sound rather intelligent for a change (so difficult to go from journalistic style of writing--say what you have to say quickly and as simply as possible--to a more scholarly style--my vocabulary increases a couple of grade levels and i feel like i have to write like a pompous ass--no offense, english majors).

title? "nin vs. nabokov: gratuitous sex or guilty tease?"

oy.

CONCERT TOMORROW. METRONOME. BE THERE.

alright, so my exploits today have left me cold, exhausted, and just hoping that this concert is going to go well.

made a million and a half posters and posted them all around campus, sent emails asking for support, and then, oh yes, then i went to the university of vermont to hang them.

now, keep in mind that i attended a tiny high school (graduating class of 33) and currently attend a somewhat larger (but still pretty damn small) college. at the places i've gone to school, everything is where it should be and all is relatively easy to get to.

but groovy uv? oh no. i drove in without problem, but then had to find visitor parking. the signs were horrible--didn't tell me where the hell to go, so what do i do? i try to find the one place i know on that campus--the library.

well, as i drive by amused uvm students on the "shuttle only" one-way road, freaking out because there are shuttles coming and it looks like they're going to turn onto the one-way road i'm driving on in the opposite direction and looking for somewhere--ANYWHERE--to turn, i'm shrieking (thankfully, with the windows up) about how fucking ridiculous the campus is! "I HATE UVM!!!!"

eventually, i found parking--by the fucking water tower--so then i had to march around campus trying to figure out where to hang the posters. didn't see a bulletin board in the library, so i decided to just hang a poster on the post by the library. the old mill building? fucking maze of rooms. so i found a couple of bulletin boards and just tacked the damn pieces of paper up. i spent a good hour there, i don't know how many people will see the posters, but i tried my best, dammit.

i think i'm going to go back tomorrow with some more copies and find new places to put them.

all things considered, i must have put up one hundred posters today. i'm tired, frustrated, and i just want this to work out. i'm hoping hoping hoping it will.

interesting, yet fun weekend.

p-day saturday. official p-day drink was a spin-off (by name only, apparently) of last year's pimpin' p-day punch (i was not present to partake in said punch last year, as i was cavorting in d.c.). this year's included a LOT of fruit, which, naturally, soaked up alcohol. that pineapple packed a punch, i'll tell you that much.

today i attempted to cook the traditional, end-of-the-semester defender dinner. made lasagna, tossed a salad, provided garlic bread, etc. i don't think i killed anyone. in fact, i received compliments, so i'm happy. it was nice to have a sunday without a deadline, a chance for everyone to sit around and relax. i was a fan...i was also a fan of skye's dessert--strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar (while i normally hate sour cream with a passion, let me tell you, this was fantastic. i highly recommend that everyone tries it).

i finally remembered to download a mp3 of the doors covering "who do you love." it was my theme song during the playhouse summer after my sophomore year. i've been downloading like crazy the past day or two because i'm realizing that i will soon be off-campus (and away from smc's unreliable, yet speedy, network connections). if you have any recommendations of songs i should download before it's too late, let me know.

michelle and i headed down to manhattan's last night because timme and patterson were performing at open mic night. after successfully parallel parking for the first time ever (i've had my license for over four years now, you'd think i would have been able to do it sooner), i had a grand time. then went to mckee's pub.

i'm already looking at things with a new perspective--seeing hordes of smc seniors and realizing that these are the last weeks i'll be at the same places with them. seeing old friends and running up and giving them hugs because it's good to see them. laughing with people, talking...forgetting about petty arguments or whatnot because it's not worth it. just happy to be there with them at that moment.

also keeping in touch with actf people...getting an email from somewhere across the country definitely brightens my day. can't wait to see rhiannon, mark and daniel in connecticut...

senior sem presentations to the public today. just want to get the damn thing over with...

How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

You are always questioning and learning, and you seem young
and alive no matter what your chronological age, for your mind
is always alert, curious, flexible and open to new experiences.
You have a childlike enthusiasm for anything new and you learn
easily, but you also get bored rather quickly. You can be
something of a scatterbrain, for you tend to have so many ideas
and irons in the fire that it is hard to keep track of them all.
You need and crave variety, change, mental stimulation, and an
active social life.

Articulate, clever, often funny and witty, you are always a
refreshing and interesting conversationalist. You enjoy meeting
and interacting with a variety of different people. You are
friendly, flirtatious, and charming in a light, playful way, and
no matter how badly you may be feeling, you never appear heavy
or somber. You may seem frivolous to other, more serious souls.
You have a sense of humor and a sense of perspective that
prevents you from taking yourself or life too seriously. In
fact, you may seem flippant or unconcerned about matters that
others consider very important.

In general, you respond to life mentally and objectively
rather than emotionally, and you may not empathize with people
very much. You do not like to be weighed down with too much
responsibility or with others' emotional burdens. Furthermore,
if you cannot UNDERSTAND something reasonably and logically,
then very often you would prefer to ignore it, including your
own and other people's irrational feelings, desires, and needs.

Consistency and reliability are not great virtues of yours
and your life is apt to be full of changes and movement due to
your restlessness. You become nervous and fidgety if things are
not moving quickly enough. You are interested in what is current
and up-to-date, the newest trends in thought or style.

Your gifts are a quick mind, verbal facility, a flair for
language, social sophistication and polish, the ability to
communicate, converse, and build bridges between people and
between ideas. You tend to become an incessant chatterbox or
gossip if you do not have work or other involvements that
utilize your mental, verbal, and social skills.

The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you
are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You
are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you
allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary
animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not
know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive
and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction
to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate
why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper
than words.

You also have a powerful need for deep emotional involvement
and you form very intense love bonds and attachments. You are
possessive and often jealous of anyone or anything that you
perceive as a threat to your bond with someone you love. When
you commit yourself to someone or something, you are
wholeheartedly devoted and expect complete loyalty in return.
You merge with or "marry" the person you love at a very deep
level and therefore separations are extremely painful for you,
and often stormy and nasty. When you have been wounded, you are
not inclined to turn the other cheek and will retaliate if at
all possible. Certainly you will never forget the injury and
often you harbor grievances and resentments for a long, long
time. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to you.

Whatever you do, you do with passion and fervor, and you
often go to extremes. You are either hot or cold, never lukewarm
about anything. You can also be very narrow: either you are 100%
involved in something or else it doesn't exist for you at all.
Rarely are you emotionally detached and objective. You
definitely have a fanatical streak. You are also immensely
strong-willed and your tenacity in pursuing your objectives
often borders on being obsessive. Fierce pride, courage, and
emotional strength are yours in abundance.

You love mysteries and are deeply attracted to the hidden,
dark, secret side of life. You never take things at face value
and are always probing beneath the surface of people and
situations to discover what is REALLY going on. You tend to be
more of a cynic than an idealist.

it could be worse. "do you think i'm sexy" could have stuck. hehehe

rod stewart's "forever young" pops into my head each time i'm asked about or think of ACTF (which is, naturally, all the time). grrrr.

i did, however, come home with new music to check out. so far, i've looked into mates of state (very good) and fugazi (a little on the frightening side).

senior sem presentations this evening. wish us luck...

less than a week ago, i was sweltering as i wore a tank top and shorts in d.c.

now i'm shivering in my wool pea coat and a hooded sweatshirt as it SNOWS in vermont.

grrrrr.

The National Critics Institute Scholarship (NCI) offers a work/study program for professional theater critics and arts writers. In its 28-year history, NCI has attracted more than 200 writers from newspapers of all sizes, magazines, and TV and radio stations to its two-week conference at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre Center in Waterford, Connecticut, each summer. The National Critics Institute enjoys a close relationship with the National Playwrights Conference.

NCI was established to assist in elevating the level of arts criticism in the United States and to provide writers the opportunity to grow at the same pace as the arts and artists whose work they review and interpret. These goals are made possible by daily critiques of plays and films in tutorial sessions with a resident master critic.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is one thing i will be doing this summer.

YOU WILL BE REINCARNATED AS A GOD! ---------------------------------- What else is there to say? YOU ROCK! You are so kind and so selfless, it's surprising as hell you haven't already been nominated for sainthood. You will either come back as a god, or as pure love, or maybe as a star or a moon. Either way, you are beautiful and you deserve the greatest happiness in everything you do. It's a good thing there aren't too many people like you -- if everyone had such good karma, the human race would disappear, and reincarnate into a giant mass of beauty!

What Will You Be Reincarnated As?

i am sublimely happy.

i won't even try to describe my feelings about the ACTF national festival because words won't do them justice. i will simply say that i had an amazing experience (by far, best festival i've been to), met gloriously wonderful people and feel like i am on top of the world.

oh, and while i didn't win the compeition (go daniel, go daniel), i did win a scholarship to the o'neill this summer.

revel...revelrevel.

i really do never sleep the night before ACTF.

need to sleep now, then wake up around 7 so i can get ready, run over to defender to finish collecting for output, then come back here, make sure i have everything, and leave for d.c.

oy.

think break a leg thoughts for me...

i love that john reaches a pinnacle point in his senior sem and i get a backrub.

this system rules. :)

hello, my name is victoria. i am currently on my way to becoming stark raving mad.

i fly out to d.c. tomorrow.

if i make it to tomorrow, i will be very pleasantly surprised.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOMAS MICHAEL!!!!

as i always say, april 15 marks many things. tax day. the day the titanic sank. the day lincoln died. etc. etc. etc.

but also, the day tom came into the world and stole away my only-child status. >;)

not complaining at all. happy 19th, kiddo. love you lots, have a wonderful day.

*hug*

this has been the most interesting of weekends. but grand, grand fun.

forgot to mention that i had another completely random dream last night--only in this one, roy scheider was trying to kill me. only he wasn't really roy scheider, he was roy scheider being someone else. i remember that we were at a concert, we were both chaperoning a bunch of little kids and we rode there on a school bus. after the show, in a parking deck, he was trying to kill me, and i was trying to beat him away with his cane--only it was one of those really cheap plastic ones that bent all over the place like a wiffleball bat whever i hit him. he walked away to get a weapon while a henchman held me, he came back with a sharpened pencil, i screamed, then i woke up.

??????

today has been a day of significant trauma.

shorty came into defender today to give us some tips on quark. shortcuts, ideas, etc. while it was great that he stopped by and gave us so much helpful information and constructive criticism, i would have appreciated some more positive feedback. i know time was limited, but still...the newspaper is like my baby and i don't like to have my baby bashed, if you know what i mean.

i picked up my cap and gown today, as well as graduation announcements. i feel that should be self-explanatory. as if i didn't already feel the pressure of g-day weighing down on me, i will now have the black gown, hat, and purple and gold '02 tassle hanging in my closet, reminding me of how i will soon be kicked off campus and expected to make a name for myself.

following that and my practicum class (donna is an angel for making class fun, therefore preventing me from having a nervious breakdown), i was fortunate enough to be invited (forced, dragged, etc) to the "exit counseling session" provided by student accounts and vsac. i sat there in a daze as i attempted to fill out paperwork and learn about interest rates and how, essentially, i will be paying a ridiculous amount of money for the next ten years. i left feeling confused, lacking a future, and incredibly, incredibly poor.

then drew was a pompous ass. while i still think you're great, hun, you were an ass.

then senior seminar. where i realize that, while the benefit concert is in good shape, it has to come together enough for presentations next week. but wait! i won't be here next week! but baz might have to present it on her own. so, needless to say, i started getting a little nervous about this whole "i need to pass this class so i can graduate" concept.

now, i am waiting to hear back from mark about setting a date for the concert while trying to not lose my cool. and i just want to spend the afternoon out in the sunshine. and i realized that "the virgin suicides" needs to go back to blockbuster because it was due at noon today.

shit.

HOLY SCHNIKIES!

joseph marcell is playing friar laurence. or, i should say, GEOFFRY FROM 'THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR' IS PLAYING FRIAR LAURENCE!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA.

romeo is being played by paul whitthorne, who played PROTEUS in the two gentlemen of verona i saw at the shakespeare theatre last year!

too funny.

cast info about the show...clint is playing the role of gregory.

i swear, today is one of those days where i can't stop smiling or laughing. i don't really know why...i'm just in a fantastic mood. maybe because i'm realizing that things are going well, the weather is getting warmer, and i'm just determined to be in a good mood!

my schedule for next week in D.C. was fedexed to me today--looking at it, i squealed:

wednesday, april 17
7:30 pm - critic's institute sees "romeo & juliet" - the shakespeare theatre.

clint's show! he had told me he'd try to get me tickets if i had time during the week - he's got a small role in it - but now, forget that! i'm thrilled we're going to be writing a shakespeare theatre review again this year...i have to make up for the humiliating "proteus/petruchio" experience of last year. and i'll see a clint performance for the first time since shenandoah over a year ago...

if it's anything like last year, we'll go to the show, then get a little tour of the space afterwards. it amazed me last year--the theatre has next to nothing for wingspace, yet the design team can conjure up these grand, gorgeous sets that make it look like the space is huge. it's all an example of utilizing what's available. you'd never know how limited they are in terms of space unless you're actually on the stage or backstage.

i'm rather confused by the schedule--it says we don't meet until wednesday morning, but i wonder if we're supposed to write a review at tuesday night's show? otherwise, we'd only review two shows--which seems odd. i would think we'd at least do three. but going off the assumption that we're reviewing three shows, the lineup would be:

tuesday night - the lepers of baile baiste (the show i wrote my winning review for at regionals--i love this play!)
wednesday night - romeo & juliet (!!!!!!!!!!!)
thursday night - the movie game

it's amazing how i can be completely calm while thinking about actf, but the minute the package is in my hands, my stomach is turned upside down. i was like this last year (granted, situation was slightly different - i'd never been there before), and louns calmed me immensely. i was busy freaking out about flying and being at the kennedy center, and he was making comments about m&ms with the presidential seal on them.

too bad louns isn't here this year.

in other news, i had the oddest dream last night--i was on a version of the real world or maybe RR/RR challenge, and we were playing a field hockey game inside a small gym (keep in mind that i've never played field hockey before). we each had our own sticks with our name on it, and i was the star. i was kicking the shit out of people, scoring goals, the whole deal. one girl (who bore a striking resemblance to sharon from boston) was getting pissy because she said i was cheating (i swear, my dream would happen in real time, but be spliced with commentaries - including my own. if that's not an odd experience), and i maintained that she was a wuss and i was aggressive. and that i could kick her ass.

kyle from chicago was in it, he was on my team, we got along really well. but i don't remember anything else. and, when i woke up this morning, my neck was incredibly sore and i could barely turn my head to the left.

hmm.

so, upon investigation, i find that lucasfilm.com person found this little space by my description of "lord of the rings." with the LotR reference came an observation about star wars and how my favorite star wars movie is "the one with hayden christensen in it."

i would just like to inform lucasfilm.com people who visit here in the future that i am, in fact, very appreciative of all star wars has accomplished. i have clear memories from my childhood of the times in which i saw each film. one interested in theatre and film (and one who has spent a great deal of time focusing on technical aspects of theatre) cannot NOT like star wars.

that said, put me in Ep III. :):):)

hehehe.

so i decide to check out who's visited my site for the first time in forever (during all of my template switching, i'd forgotten to put the code back on for sitemeter), and i see that someone from lucasfilm.com stopped by...

yes, i would be more than willing to take the part of anakin's love slave in episode III. :) have your people call my people.

I am 77.5% British, just like
Michael Caine
Though you know your way around London you are most likely to retire to the West Coast of the USA.

Take the Brit Quiz at
www.darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm
Quiz written by Daz

i just need to focus on the fact that i only have two more issues and then i'm done.

BLEARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

70s social tonight. i decided to be my rock star self...bought a black t-shirt with a little british girl playing records on it. it says "i love rock & roll."

i love this shirt. i feel rock star angst. rage rage rage.

i need to drink more.

becca gets five gold stars for the heads up on john mayer appearing on kilbourn.

old john! just him (on acoustic) with dela! besides the demonic faces he was making, it was the best television performance of "no such thing" i've seen yet.

happy happy...revel...revelrevel...

all i want out of life is to be able to play guitar forever and ever and ever.

too bad i don't really know how to play.

need to work on that.

i love having numb fingertips--i feel like i'm starting to accomplish something.

take free enneagram test

i scored 16 (my highest) in types 4, 5 and 6, and scored 15 in types 2 and 3. no clear winner, but according to the site, type 4 wins by a hair.

so tired.

it was good to be able to get away to montreal for the day. the cinémathèque was pretty neat--i felt very much like i was in a jetsons-inspired reality. they have over 7000 films there, and you can access any you'd like. we sat at small consoles that are available for either one viewer or two in these armchairs that have the speakers located in this warped headrest type of setup...and, if you look to one of the far walls, you can see the robot (yes, robot) pull out the video disc that has your film on it and watch it set it up for you. my group was in a larger room upstairs initially, watching the robot work on a large screen--so, at the time, it looks like the robot is huge, operating in a room that could pass for a hidden chamber of the pentagon or something. in reality, the robot might be five feet tall and is in a tiny little space. just watching the thing operate was interesting enough, let alone being able to watch all of these examples of candian film (animation, experimental, features, you name it).

as i said yesterday, i hadn't been to montreal since sixth grade...i loved taking a day trip to a whole other culture...standing outside and watching everyone pass by with different fashion, mannerisms, speaking french to each other...

getting away was definitely nice. was able to focus on the new environment, instead of dwelling on stupid bullshit.

and i got another skyline to view and be happy about. as we drove away, i looked back at it (set against the twilight--so beautiful...) and baz laughed at me. "you just had this little-kid expression on your face."

ah...cities...i'll be living in one one of these days, i tell you...

the st. michael's student association voted today to NOT release vote counts in elections.

?!?!?!?!???!

"don't tell me how close it was, just tell me who won."

SHEEP!!!!

a good day was had. montreal tomorrow--senior sem trip to the Cinémathèque québécoise. should be pretty cool. and i know i'm a horrible st. michael's student for saying this, but i haven't been to montreal since...sixth grade?

elijah wood intrigues me immensely...and this article just added to that.

random defender photo, courtesy of the bazi girl...the caption is making me wince a little today (this one time, at ACTF...), but i chuckled at it nonetheless. :)

today has been a rather dreary day, thank you very much...but my friends are great. thank you.

jesse is the best. :)

"no such thing" was just on MTV2.

that just totally fucked with my head.

Oh what a shame that your
pockets did bleed on St. Valentine's
And you sat in a chair thinking
"Boy I'm such a Prince!"
Well life's a train that goes
from February on day by day
But its making a stop on April First
--rufus wainwright, april fools

I, I’ve got to tell you
But there’s only so much that you will hear
I got a head full of questions
That I just can’t make disappear

And you are always runnin’
To find a fire with water in your cup
So if we’re not burnin’ down
Then we will surely be dryin’ up

And I never thought I’d leave you, but I don’t belong
Seems right, I will always love you so don’t get me wrong
But I’m already gone
I’m already gone

And I, I watched you dreamin’
Sweetly sleeping
How could I turn on you
While I had been singing your praises
But you had so many faces
I couldn’t make them true
So who was fixin’ who
Turns out I never knew

And I never thought I’d leave you, but I don’t belong
Seems right, I will always love you so don’t get me wrong
But I’m already gone
I’m already gone

And it, it took a long time
Before I realized where I had been
While you were out savin’ strangers
To make sure they’d never leave you again.