today is world AIDS day.

all posts today will be information, links, etc. pertaining to AIDS awareness. please take a moment to think about the number of people who are living with this in their everyday lives and do what you can to help, learn, or simply reflect.

first, the 411 on AIDS.

today i'm linking and thinking.

howie will be opening for sting (yes, as the big blue house say, THE STING) on dec. 9 & 10 in colorado. wow...what i find even more astounding is that tickets for sting are $100. ?!?!??!?!?!

but congrats to hd, i guess. he's going to be all big now and forget the little people...which shouldn't be too bothersome because he & management seem to have already forgotten st. michael's...(yes, i'm bitter. unless i hear otherwise, i will be bitter until late tuesday night. deal with it.)

like millions of others, i find myself listening primarily to the beatles or beatles covers today and thanking george for everything he brought to the music world.

he will be missed.

it is officially the one-year anniversary of my blogging career.

happy anniversary to me...

and i'm not fucking around anymore. i emailed jamie tonight. hell, i emailed howie tonight. all i want to know is what the fuck is going on with this show. and i'm not in the mood to deal with stupid idiots.


grrrr. wretched night, so i sleep.

shawn radley is a complete and utter moron! i'm astounded by his unprofessionalism and the fact that he's just completely moronic.

i love how i have to make my comments on eight essays, yet i find myself downloading new music and noticing how shawn conveniently didn't respond to my post on the board even though he was signed on.
c'est la vie. i'll now refer to hd as howie mother-fucking day until i actually hear anything about the show....
in the meantime, riggott seemed to like the ryan cabrera mp3s he listened to. and as for new music i found today--bryan paepka and tom mcrae. not too shabby...
alright, now i really do sleep. promise.

i needed to post this because i connected with it so strongly. it was written by jason over at the big blue house, and it made me cry.

"In Memory"
People come and people go
But how was I to know
That today would be the day
He’d take her away
She had so much left to say
And so much left to give
Her whole life left to live
She was such a beautiful girl
In this ugly world
A star shining bright
In the darkest night
I remember the sound of her laughter
And the comfort found in her eyes
A thought that never dies
For she will always be
Here with me
In memory…
May God be with thee

grrrrrr. not in a people-friendly mood anymore. going to bed.

ah...my weekly rant about "the other publication".

- IF YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE A REVIEW, PUT MORE INTO IT!!!!!! for instance, try doing some research on how to write a review...

- hmm...possible slant to the "the eight" story--smc alumnus is playing hollywood...hmm...

- the photo of maloney was, i will admit, highly amusing. :)

- i have serious objections with anything about graduation because, frankly, i'm not ready to even think about it. ;)

how about "rutland vermont" featured in "the west wing"??? first burlington, then rutland--i swear i must be on that show. martin sheen's practically begging me to be on there, he just doesn't want to look foolish and actually mention my name on air. it's ok, martin baby, you just let me know and i'm there. :)
i'm going on friday to see phil in a play down at the flynn space--if anyone wants to come along, let me know. i'd love to get a group there to support the phil-dog. :) or at least someone else to go with me.

did you know...

i'm bitchier than bethy?

i'm an "experimenter"?

i'm 39% slut?

i'm 50.9% movie pure?

all these and more (well, except the last one) come courtesy of thespark.com

alright, i'm getting worried/angry...why didn't st. michael's get included in the tour updates? i hope shawn lets me know...

beth: "we're going to get kicked out of school for sexual harrassment towards god!"

damn straight, bethy. :)

i think i'm going to submit something to the onion river review this year.

i swear my IM has anti-caleb sensors...every time i start to talk to him, i get booted.

i'm simply going to blame it on the long island iced teas (although they didn't make a damn bit of difference). enough said about that one. the music was great, i had a very fun time, i made a jackass out of myself afterwards, but it was all because of the previously mentioned beverages.

off to red square for a couple drinks and some music. :)

how do you know your child in is the hands of decent, good housemates and friends?

michelle: you'd better look cute tonight!!!!
me: why? is he going to be there?
michelle: yes, he is!
me: did he say anything about me?
michelle: yeah, he said he wants to fuck you like an animal. he wants to feel you from the inside.
me: holding up telephone say hi dad!
michelle: surprised expression uh...hi dad!
dad: tell michelle hi and thanks. i'll let you guys...talk...bye!

michelle called him back to inform him she was quoting lyrics from a song.

hehehehehehe

howie on the 4th has been officially confirmed by riggott. :)

alright, i admit to being random, but this one is just plain odd. last night i had a dream about rider strong. he played shawn hunter on boy meets world back in the day and when i was younger, i was head over heels for him. and, for whatever reason, last night he was in my dream.

now, i've been known to look for updates about former teen crushes of the celebrity variety. i admit that i've looked for information about devon sawa, jonathan brandis, and rider. and it's amusing when i come up with information. but with rider, i hadn't found anything. his website, which i used to visit religiously, hadn't been updated since '97 or something like that.

so today, after this random dream, i decide to visit the website. and, to my utter shock, it had been updated on october 29. and we're not talking just minor update, but complete redesign.

why would i have dreamt about him? now i feel this odd inclination to try to find reruns of boy meets world...aurgh, that which is my random (and, at the moment, very amusing) life.

the fucking network here is driving me crazy. this is the second time i've started to get into good conversations about the basic premise of my research paper and i've been kicked off IM.

caleb, if for whatever reason you've stumbled across this, check your email (both smcmail and etherphyte--i sent you something).

WHAT?!?!? so the word on the street is that scotty's not going to be back with john and the boys...first the whole thing with jamie, which, admittedly, everyone's saying isn't true. but the fact that it was even rumored...now this whole scotty thing (which, according to sources, they announced at the show in wherever-they-played last night). scotty's journal tidbits are funny as hell, he seemed to do a great job (except the whole incident with the set list in june at the paradise, but i digress), and well, i hope he's going to be doing something great, because otherwise, that sucks.

tonight, bethy, michelle, chucky, jen kelly and i had a very in depth discussion about jesus and god. some highlights:

"GUYS! now everytime i go into the chapel, i'm going to be thinking about jesus' erection!"

"dude, jesus was hung like a stallion, and he was crooked--according to the statue."

"are you trying to say that jesus was not capable of getting it up? he was a man, he got erections!"

"the second 'coming' of christ???"

"the 'right hand' of the father???"

"he will judge the living and dead. necrophilia???"

"nonono. god is all AROUND you. there's no way he can be INSIDE you."

"no, god is a woman."

"the reason it says 'he' is because the word doesn't translate. there was no gender. it could be he, she, ram..."
"ram? honey, that's not helping your cause."

"it wouldn't be like that. he would take human form. look at zeus."
"yeah, zeus was all up on that shit."

"GUYS!!! COME ON!!!!"
"come on? good choice of words!"
"AURGH!!!!!"

with that, one of my housemates went to church, another and i went to get alcohol, and the other went to bed.

ah, things are back to normal.

go to the link so you don't think i'm insane. this amused me.

i spanked the money at 400 miles an hour!

you can tell when i'm not writing my paper when...

back to school back to school...to prove to dad i'm not a fool...

back safe and sound. unpacked, cleaned my room, organized my room--turns out it's impossible for me to throw away newspapers--i finally cleaned out everything (think drawers and cubby holes) and had papers dating back to the first weekend i was here this semester...craziness.

but now i don't want to work on my paper...trying to find something to do to kill some time. bethy and i already cleaned out the refrigerator--we get the gold stars for that one, with all of the random shit that was in there...crikey.

went shopping with my mother after work tonight for something to wear to the winter social. for whatever reason, everything i tried on had glitter involved. and pulling dresses on and off over and over, thus rubbing glitter all over ones face...by the end of it, my the tip of my nose was red because it was scratched from the damn glitter...and nothing to show for it (as of yet. will find something at some point before next saturday)

thanksgiving was nice. relaxing. i wound up falling asleep on my aunt's couch by the fireplace as i tried to read shaw. whoops. but i felt great afterwards.

the rest of the week was work. my legs are exhausted from running all over the place, but hey. made money, i guess. and it was good to see my family. :) i just need to get back to school to get my work done--and i am going to be back there by noon tomorrow (i hope...)

the grind...gotta love it...

"ghost" was on dawson's tonight. it was the first time i watched the show this season. i was exceptionally excited once i heard the opening strains of the song. i was bouncing up and down in excitement. i know, pathetic, so shush.

my school email's down and i'm pissed. i don't know when kirk was going to email me back about my paper...

i was at work at 9 a.m. today. once again, i couldn't sleep. i don't know where this insomnia is coming from, but i'm not a fan...

and tomorrow is turkey day. alyx came up with tommy, and we're all going to my aunt's house. so it'll be me, tom, alyx, mom, dad, grams, uncle tom, aunt pam, uncle steve, casey, and the original chloe in my family. time to eat turkey, relax, and talk about randomness with family members.

i just can't think about the fact that i have to write my fucking paper...

dispatch was pretty decent--although the crowd seemed to consist of more 16-year-olds than actual college students...i wasn't in the greatest of concert moods, but i was able to enjoy the music.

i swear i am a merchandiser's wet dream. i went into the show planning on buying a shirt. then i changed my mind about that, so i wasn't going to buy anything. then i figured i'd buy the bands for america cd, because it goes to a good cause and has a number of bands i enjoy. with that in mind, i walked up to the merch table, put down my money, and walked away with the cd and a dispatch poster (to add to my ridiculous collection). i have no willpower. also no money--but as i've said before, i might be poor, but i have a great music collection.

i'm now listening to wwpv, maloney, christopher, and collin are playing dj. but i have a feeling i'm going to turn them off shortly. i don't really want to listen to one of them right now.

i knew that room for squares was reviewed in this week's rolling stone (note to self, pick up a copy), but i had no idea that he had a photo archive there!!!!

i have to do more research on my paper, but that will be over break. kirk will just have to deal--i've done the best i could thus far.

i go home tomorrow...it's always odd, going back to the homestead, but it'll be nice to be away from responsibilities here for awhile.

but tonight i focus on the fact that dispatch is playing in ross. excited me!!!!

vickie research paper update 2:

doublespaced, bookman font. on page 6. need to research more greek plays, still need to talk about mighty aphrodite, the contender, star wars, raiders of the lost ark?

so still fucked.

vickie research paper update 1:

i'm so fucked.

went over to the 300s last night. most of my favorite people were there, and michelle and i brought my black bag stuffed full with drinks--boones, mike's, schmirnoff, stoli, sprite, and absolut. around 1 or 2, megan started a pool for people who wanted dominos breadsticks--10 of us chipped in and ordered. then, a group of us started to play drinking jenga, which morphed into a big game of "never have i ever", which i hadn't played in awhile, so it was amusing.
michelle showed me just why she makes an amazing friend.
saw some people i haven't really seen all semester, which was nice. i gave andy some shit for my birthday--good as it was to see him last night, i'm still pissed about his reasons for not going out to dinner with us, and i'm not going to forget it.
around 4, a group of 15 of us or so trekked from meg's over to the field across from the east entrance to campus. there was already a sizable crowd gathered there, lying huddled in groups, standing, sitting in lawn chairs. people were offering each other beers, others were smoking--just everyone gathered for relaxation under the stars.
the leonids meteor shower was beautiful. the sky, which was clear all night, had become sprinkled with fluffy clouds, which seemed to glow in the night sky. they were racing by, but the stars seemed to move more than the clouds did. when a meteor burned across the sky, everyone on the field shouted and laughed. some meteors were quick flashes in the corner of my eye, while others burned so bright they left a long trail and glowed there for a second, temorarily burned into my vision. my mind flashed back to sophomore year, watching phil-dog, christopher, and collin rehearse "picasso at the lapin agile", when picasso (phil-dog) says, "i want to leave a trail, a long string of fire, so bright it leaves an imprint on your mind" or something like that.
initially, i sat by myself, looking up at the stars, but eventually, i found myself keeping warm with baz, liz and phil. i left around 5:15 or so and trudged back to my room, where i fell into the deep, intoxicated sleep that weekends provide, waking up today at 2:30 in the afternoon.
i have a 20-page research paper to write. wish me luck.

the meteors were beautiful. more later. drunk, cold, thus incapable of feeling my fingers.

this tickles me.

playing - coldplay, you only live twice (live)

if all goes the way i want it to tonight, i'll be able to finally bring all of the little strings of my life lately together. my luck, however, they'll all get tangled into one big knot.

c'est la vie...at least things will be out in the open, right?

yeah, i think a trip to the bevy is definitely going to be necessary. aurgh!

for some reason, i haven't gotten a response from alexa yet. i wonder why.

hehehehe...is this bad of me?

alexa--thank you for the email alerting me to the fact that i was, in fact, not a winner. i will thank you for the brief moments of excitement weqx brought me--in classic form, i was having a wretched day, and i thought that winning the contest was the one spot of sunshine in an otherwise dreary day. but, at least i know that i did not win now, as opposed to on the 20th, when i would have been looking forward to seeing ben folds (one of my favorite artists), and then after driving down to clifton park, being told it was an error.
eqx is my favorite radio station, and while i'm away at college, i'm thankful to be able to access the website and listen to my favorite djs (especially alex taylor!!!). thank you for your prompt correction and i look forward to listen to the station very soon.

thank you again,
victoria

let's see if my talent at fiction is as good as i hope. >:)

i returned home from a rather disappointing rane show at the coffeehouse to see this:

Congratulations! You're a Club-EQX winner for Ben Folds Big Ticket Thursday! You've won a pair of tickets to see Ben Folds Tuesday, November 20th at Northern Lights in Clifton Park, NY. Your name will be on the guestlist at the door. Be sure to bring photo ID. The show is 16+. Congratulations! And thanks for listening to WEQX. If you have any questions, please DO NOT reply to this mail. Instead, please send an email to XXXX@weqx.com. Thanks!

thought process: SWEET! didn't do anything to try to win, but maybe just because i was signed up for club eqx, i was entered! ben folds?!?! fucking awesome!

then i see this:

Victoria: Earlier today, an email was accidentally sent indicating you had won tickets in a Ben Folds Big Ticket Thursday contest on WEQX. Unfortunately, this email was sent in error and you were not a winner in this contest. We at WEQX sincerely apologize for any confusion or inconvenience caused by this error, and have taken steps to assure this type of problem does not occur again in the future. We thank you for participating in Club EQX, for visiting the WEQX website, and for listening to WEQX.
Sincerely,
Alexa Tobin
Program Director
102.7 WEQX

what a tease. bleargh.

i stopped by the library this evening to pick up a shitload of books about ancient greek theatre (oh yay...so fun...riiiiiight). before i left, i found the copy of east of eden i'd borrowed during the summer, because i'd accidentally left a newspaper clipping about the woman who won irene ryan during the national fesival in d.c. in it (i was reading it when i was at my grandmother's in beverly, and she'd given me the clip from the salem evening news (nancy mcnulty went to salem state), so i just stuck it in the book for safekeeping and naturally forgot about it).
there's something about finding something still hiding in a random place, even if it's just been a few months. i felt this sense of glee and excitement about it--odd considering that i knew it would be there, and who else at smc would pick up an old ratty copy of a steinbeck book? but it was like my own little secret...
all my stress is getting to my brain--i'm spouting off shit about old books. argh.
rane is playing at the coffeehouse tonight.

etherphyte's back online!

and pollstar's announced the howie show at smc...

alright. i know i'm supposed to take the high road and be the good, responsible journalist, but i've been going nuts the past two weeks reading the echo.

i can't do much about it because of my defender affiliation, nor should i do anything about it, but i can blog about it and get out my frustrations.

first, the s.a. story. handing out candy and money with c.r. and matt's faces on them is ridiculous. it throws objective journalism out the window and should not be tolerated. the writer's opinion in a news story is a basic violation of journalism. they teach you that in intro to writing, for crying out loud.

the jared story. you should not publish the rumors that are going about campus. the point of journalism is to dispel or confirm the rumors. how does it make the situation any better to publish the rumors just for the sake of publishing them? it only adds fuel to the fire. second, the use of the quotes is good, but the structure of the rest of the story should have reflected that.

the arcadia "review". as a critic, i know what works and what doesn't. i've been trained in writing reviews, and this review sucked. if you don't like a show, fine, i can respect that. i've panned shows in reviews. but if there are serious problems with the way the review is written, how can the critic be taken seriously? and, by the way, collin's name is spelled with two l's, thank you.

as a journalist on this campus, i want all of the publications from our department to be strong. obviously it's a learning process (trust me, i know). but there are things that are getting out there that shouldn't see the light of day. i'm disappointed, to say the least.

in other news, i found a bunch of new music yesterday. gabe dixon band, god street wine, ari hest, jason mraz, stephen speaks, onelinedrawing...very excited about it! also finally got myself guster songs and more elliott. should have been working on my paper, but hey, at least i accomplished something, right?

There's a corner cafe
It stays open all the night
I went inside to escape the world
It's my favorite place to hide

Old man in the corner
been complaining about the cold
put on your smile and coat
your mind doesn't have to grow old

Tell 'em that it's raining inside my head again
Look at us we're struggling to make this life begin
Tell 'em I'll be waiting for that sunny day
Look at me I'm struggling, I just can't find my way

In the meantime I'll be waiting,
hoping for a sign
Share a cup with me my lover
you always ease my mind

Tell 'em that it's raining inside my head again
Look at us were struggling to make this life begin
Tell 'em I'll be waiting for that sunny day
Look at me I'm struggling, I just can't find my way

There's a corner cafe
It stays open all the night
I went inside to escape the world
It's my favorite place to hide

pat mcgee band is playing at the avalon on dec. 27. michelle is buying my ticket, i'm buying hers. early christmas presents...

afroman is opening--am i the only one who finds this a really fucked up lineup????

phone conversation a few minutes ago:

me: i figured out what i'm going to do with the next year of my life.
dad: great, what?
me: i'm going to audition for shenandoah shakespeare.
dad: that's wonderful!!!
mom (in background): what?
dad: she's going to audition for the shakespeare thing.
mom: do they pay well?
dad: do they pay well?
me: it's an acting thing. actors never make money.
dad (to mom): she's going to make lots of money. (to me) that's great! that would be fun!
me: you actually think i should audition?
dad: why not? have fun with it!

only my parents would be incredibly enthusiastic about me auditioning for shenandoah. now i have to seriously consider it. obviously i wouldn't get a part, but how fun would it be to say i auditioned???

sick. :-(

the word on the street is that howie might have fired jamie? i'd be surprised. and extremely disappointed. while it seems to be what a lot of people have heard, i think i'll wait until i see something official from either fellow.

in my editorial last week, i wrote about the salary of uncle marc--vanderheyden, that is (college president). i was wondering what he'd think of it--if anything, i say he's underpaid, comparing the salaries of presidents from colleges immediately above and below us in us news & world report--but i didn't know what he'd think of me waving around his salary for all to see.

yesterday, i had a voicemail from him saying he wanted to talk to me--he'd try calling back or writing me, he didn't want to leave a message. i thought he was going to bitch at me and say i'm irresponsible or something to try to make me feel bad.

instead, i get an amusing email from him this morning thanking me for the editorial and picking on himself--the boy was actually trying to have a sense of humor! i was impressed.

fun way to start off one's day.

overwhelmingly estatic congratulations go out to the irene ryan nominees for "arcadia"!!!!!

drew, ashleigh, collin (first alternate), and mary (second alternate)

i couldn't ask for better representatives!

shenandoah was amazing tonight. michelle, mary and i sat on the stage left side, and we were picked on unmercifully. cliff (orlando) stuck a post-it note love letter to rosalind on my forehead, we teased one of the actors (at another actor's prompting), and i almost married an actor named tony (he pulled me up with "wanna get married? come on!"), until clinton jr. (hehehehe) forced me back to my seat. tony introduced himself to me afterwards and said he wanted to buy my t-shirt for me, but i just laughed and paid for it myself. we talked to some of the actors post-show, and michelle, collin and john went down to red square with them. i'm trying to get down there, but i have to get the paper finished, so i doubt i'll be able to.

notes on the show:

- funny. really well done. i was impressed.
- the actors this year were very very impressive! as in very pleasing to the eye, and very funny and seemed nice. too bad i can't hang out with them. :(

"arcadia" was over as of saturday night. it was a wonderful way to end the production process--a fantastic performance by everyone, an abundance of bittersweet sensations, and my family watching the show (including my wonderful brother--who i was thrilled to see!).

i spent a lot of time during the production process thinking about what else i had to do--keeping a countdown of when i'd be finished and what i'd be able to do when i had spare time again.

but i miss it. i'm listening to the soundtrack kirk made all of us--currently listening to Keith Jarrett's "Shanendoah", which is making me all sentimental--and it's strange to think that i won't work with everyone again. i won't get to look through chloe coverly's eyes anymore. no more being exasperated by kirk, no more breakthroughs.

but it was great fun--the show. the last night in particular, i was determined to just have fun with it. and i did. it felt great. at the end of the show, during curtain call, half the cast walked offstage after our first bow--but the audience was still applauding, so the rest of us just burst into laughter and took another bow. we ran out to the lobby and hugged friends and family--my family gave me flowers--including a dozen petite pink roses--i've been given roses before, smelled them many times, but roses have never smelt so beautiful as the pink roses did as i stood there in my "jane austen" dress for the last time.

damn, i'm a sentimental sap today. i'm going to skip the cd to track 3--"shameless", rock out, finish my editorial page, and go home before shandendoah shakespeare. oooh--and find out who i get to congratulate about irene ryan!!!!

i am having the most wretched day known to man.

i now have ryan cabrera mp3s. i approve very much of all the praise i've been hearing as of late. very very good. new singer to follow...yippee!

i've also downloaded a bunch of ours mp3s. a fan of those as well. reminds me of radiohead.

my parents being there for my mainstage debut was the best opening night present i could have asked for. :):):)

opening night was a smashing success. my parents unexpectedly turned up--i found out right before scene seven, as michelle was frantically gesturing to me to put on the stage right headset.

her: "your mom and dad are here!"
me: "SHIT!"

nervousness took over. :) but it went well. yeah. fun times...

but now i wait for my pizza to get here. and then i write my liz paper.

tomorrow is opening night for "arcadia".

i thought i would be ridiculously nervous. but running through the play so much, i don't feel all too many butterflies. i know the lines, i know what i'm supposed to do, and know what? in the grand scheme of things, it's a faint blip on the map of life. it's a play, and i'm supposed to have fun with it. it's something i've always wanted to do, and i'm doing it. so live it up!

as i've been telling everyone, break a leg--just don't fall off the stage.

so tired.

want to sleep.

eyes hurt.

back hurts.

must finish newspaper.

dammit.

i can't find my notebook with all of the information for one of my stories.

sgt. meslin and i never seem to be able to touch base.

i have a half hour before i have to run away to spend money i don't have on things i need for the fucking play for my fucking run-through before i come back to the paper to get all of the stuff i can't get done for the fucking newspaper before i go to sleep and start the whole vicious fucking cycle over again.

after saturday it will be better.

but i think people will die before saturday.

BIG FUCKING GRRRRRR!

i'll write more when i have time to offer up details of my birthday weekend, but for now, i'll just say that it was a lot of fun. random as all hell, but fun. thank you to everyone who shared it with me. :)

arcadia opens on wednesday. i have to put a paper to bed tomorrow. i have to get all of my shit done.

it's all going to be a cakewalk after saturday. :)

but at least i have the prospect of cast parties this week. like i need more diversions, but what the hell, why not? ;)

i'm going downtown!

i'm now going to bed on november 2. it will be the last time i go to bed as a "minor".

midnight tomorrow baby! hitting the bars...

my birthday has sprung up on me ridiculously quickly.

my thoughts and wishes will be going out to the LEAPers this weekend--HAVE AN AMAZING TIME!!!! know i'm sending you LEAP love throughout the course of the weekend (especially to my sponsor--the bazi girl!!!!)

g'night.

hehehe. i found a fun site that adds a dialect to pages. i thought this would be amusing to see. it was.

i'm finding all sorts of random sites today. bored me.

here's what i don't understand: person walks into user support with a problem. after deciphering what the problem is, i inform the person that i have to enter a request for an appointment so a technician can configure that person's computer to the network. person asks how long it will take. i answer that i don't know--it depends on the technicians' schedules, but we'll try to get it done as soon as possible. person says, "well, it's a simple problem, i have all the documentation right here. why should it take so long?"

first: if you have the documentation, do it yourself. i'm not a computer genius, but i've always configured my computer myself. it's not hard. just follow the damn instructions.

second: what difference does it make, how difficult the problem is? you still have to wait for an appointment.

third: i'm not a secretary. i don't know everyone's schedule. so give me your name and your number, i'll enter the request, and get out of my face already.

:)

hey, happy november. november means birthday. which means legal. which means me happy.

Hey little dreamer's eyes open and staring up at me
Oh little lonely eyes open and radiant

Wait until I come and I will steal you
Wait until I come I'll take your soul
Wait until I come and I will steal you
Wait until I come and I won't go

Darlin' dreamin in the night
Shadows on the windows
Lead oh and everyone go
Well leave me on the night
I will give you lightning
I will not relinquish light

Oh little dreamer eyes open and raving here

Wait until I come and see you little girl
When we come I'll leave with you too
When we come I'll let you come low

Hey we'll leave it all behind
Oh and then the nightmares
I'll fill them in good time
Oh they will seat your mind
When the light hits
And you maybe'll ask me

Why do you run around here
Why do you come inside of me
Why does it rip me out in dream
Why then why then watch this little fuck

Going away

Why this lonely
Why this lonely
Why this lonely love

Why this lonely
Why this lonely
Why this lonely love

Halloween
Carry on
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all

And in this dream
Tell us are you satisfied with fucking

Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
I'm talking to you

Love is hell
Love is hell
Love is hell
Love this I'll tame you

Love
Love
Love
Love this not me here

Love
Love
Love
Love him up to you

i needed today desperately.

went to classes, came home and relaxed. i was the only one in the house for most of the day, so i cranked my speakers and sang along at the top of my lungs to howie, john, anything that was playing, even if i didn't know the words.

played my much-neglected guitar so much that my fingers (much in need of callouses again) ached. granted, most of it sucked (i worked on "watchtower", "she says", and "lover, you should've..."), but i was playing it. i had time to play it.

went to the defender story meeting, everyone was in good shape, so i left about ten minutes after writers started showing up.

went home, played guitar more, sat on the couch and did nothing, watched "the west wing" (IT'S GETTING SO GOOD! my one hour a week of 'much-see tv'), watched part of "the mask" simply because it was on and i was too lazy to change the channel...

i should have done work. every rational part of my brain was telling me to work on my essay for liz, figure out defender stuff, write, read, something.

but my body was perfectly content to just sit there for a few precious hours and relax. i think it was the longest period of continuous relaxation i've had all semester.

and as i realized this, i grew more content. and the rational parts of my brain grew quiet because i was content. i can get everything done tomorrow and friday. i needed today desperately. and i loved it.

so now, to continue my self-indulgent day, i'm going to bed early. before midnight. who would have imagined?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! :)

i will say rehearsal was interesting, to say the least. but exceptionally amusing...
aw, fuck it. i have to be an actress. i can at least be mature about it. it's part of the job. it's all good.

a couple of cars were torched tonight in the ryan lot. rob and i responded to it--i've got the start of a story, rob pulled through and got some pictures. i'm glad he came down for it--paul will be impressed tomorrow, and i feel more like an actual newsy newspaper for being "at the scene of the crime."

i ran some errands today, making a stop at barnes & noble. it was so nice to have some spare time to browse the aisles--although, for what seems like the first time in my life, i couldn't find anything that i wanted to read! i finally stumbled across on the road and picked it up--it was a staff selection with a little sign saying "read this while you're still young!"

so i decided to. :)

rehearsal tonight, then sleep? well, story ideas, then sleep. but it could, in theory, be an early night. yay...

oh, how much do i want to go to this??? i'm assuming we'll be going to my grandmother's in massachusetts for thanksgiving--i think i'm going to have to drag my brother to this with me. just reading about it makes my body want to explode with glee.

fuck. i need to sleep. i have to wake up around 8. fuckedy fuck fuck fuck.

finishing the newspaper. well, as much as possible tonight, anyway. have to share all of the news i've acquired thought--i'm so proud of my music boys!

- howie was not only featured on "dawson's creek" (she says), but also on the season finale of "road rules" (disco). and i'm counting down the days until he plays at smc (dec. 4!!!!)

- john will be on "conan o'brien" on nov. 9. john will also be playing in springfield, ma. on the 17th, and if things work out accordingly, a michelle, bethy and vickie combo will be in attendance--my first 21+ concert. i love being legal already--and i'm still a few days away...

the musical surprises of today make all the defender bullshit seem that little bit better. :)

i found a link to the 1000 journals project, courtesy of elizabeth. i love the concept. how impressive is this??? if you happen to find one and want someone to pass it along to, let me know.

it never fails. we lost our a & e page. bad file, the computer says. motherfucker.

but, in fine defender form, it will all get done. no matter how crazy we go, it will get done. it always has, always will.

i must get my story about colby put together, finish editing down the letters to the editor and then wait for everything else to get done so i can finish the paper tonight.

bleargh.

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: V.
V.:

You have difficulty getting emotionally close to others. You believe in live and let live. You are future oriented. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life.
Middle name:


You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You have a need to be up front. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can be quite inventive and quite curious.
Last name:


Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn concentration and not to scatter your mental energies. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts.

from here

my first really sour smc halloween experience. i don't know what exactly it was about the evening, but i wasn't a fan at all. i think a great deal of it did have to do with the fact that i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off--normally, at least the week before halloween is dedicated to figuring everything out. this year, i didn't even know what i was going to be until i got home from work.

michelle, bethy and i went as smc cheerleaders--the only time i will EVER be seen in a cheerleader's uniform. i went through my high school years and most of college avoiding the pom poms, but it was fun to be silly and goof off. i'm not gonna lie about it.

today has been hectic. arcadie run-through followed by defender evening. i still have to go over the printed proofs, but it seemed as if things went well this week--keeping my fingers crossed.

tomorrow will be crazy. class, defender all afternoon (including trying to get my story written), then arcadia in the evening, then back to defender around 11 to finish everything up. i hope to be out of there, paper to bed by 1. we'll see.

i talked to my brother tonight--he's going to make a trip to burlington so he can see me saturday. it's going to be a crazy day--at midnight friday night/saturday morning, we're going downtown, then my parents are taking me to lunch saturday, visit with the brother, then have fun and do whatever saturday night.

it's so odd to think that in less than a week i'll be legal. it always seemed so far away--this pinicle i never thought i'd be able to reach. hmm.

anyway, proofs need to be edited.

today is most likely my last day as a clerk at the f. due to a number of reasons (mostly the aftermath of 9/11--damn you osama), the clerk program is being cut for the time being. i suppose in one respect it makes it easier--i'll have spare time on saturdays now, yippee--but i'm disappointed. much as it's a pain the ass to be working on a saturday, i love being here in the newsroom and covering all of this stuff. fortunately, my internship here is pretty much set--yay!--so i'll be back in january. but i'm still rather blue about it. the fact that i have a pounding headache doesn't help me at all...

t let me use his desk today, and he had internet going--so for the first time, i get to use internet while i'm at work! little things that make me happy. i've been working on my 9/11 fundraising story, utilizing a connection to my email. ah...technology is a grand thing.

patternson was playing my guitar downstairs last night (michelle snuck in while i was sleeping so he could use it--because he was going to tune it as well) and broke a string--good boy that he is, he's going to restring my guitar for me and tune it. plus, rumor has it he's going to play a song for me tomorrow ("yellow"--i'm so excited!). michelle and i were joking about how he should show up at rehearsal and play it for me there. i could just imagine kirk's face with that one...

speaking of rehearsal, i had a chloe breakthrough last night. i feel so much better about my part--i've been ridiculously nervous/in despair about it for awhile. i actually feel like there's a reason i'm there now. always a good thing, eh?

you can always tell when i have nothing else to do when i'm blogging non-stop...

rumor has it remy zero will be playing at higher ground right around the same time dispatch plays here. but i can't find any confirmed information about it.

if remy zero plays burlington, i must be there.

i'm exhausted, so sleep is coming early tonight. thank goodness...

liz, my creative non-fiction writing professor, gave me a welcome lift in the spirits today when i got back my annotations for my essay. i was walking on air when i left the class...

my parents stopped by briefly to give me groceries, halloween candy, and possible ideas for costumes, which i thought was amazingly sweet. my mother slipped a card into one of the bags for me--i found it when i got home from class:

this is a test of the emergency sanity system. this is only a test...hang in there.

my father included a roll of life savers. i called home later to thank them for stopping by and bringing me love, mom made a comment about how i'm almost 21, almost an adult who won't need her parents anymore because i'll be an independant woman (no destiny's child references, i beg you).

i assured her that i won't stop needing them any time soon. i'd go mad without them.

the improv show tonight was amusing--i played "what are you doing?" with everyone--i made chris improv winning a beauty pagent. hehehehehe.

now i need sleep. long day today, long weekend this weekend. blearg.

jen kelly one word one space was actually awake last night--so rather than get all of my work done, the four of us hung out in my room, laughing, talking, and laughing some more.

highlight of the night--"i'd rather be that tin thing he's screwing!"--pumpy

i walked into work today and eric told me he was supposed to beat on me. courtesy of my father. ??? he'd called, i wasn't there yet, he told eric to beat me up for it. my father and my supervisor conspiring against me. madness, i tell you. :)

my name is victoria. i am a senior in college and am preparing for the rest of my life.

i think of others and take their opinions into consideration. at times, i bend over backwards to make things easier for others. i have a difficult time saying no to requests, for example.

some call it a flaw, others call it a virtue. i call it a bit of both.

i care about what others think and what others feel, true. however, when push comes to shove, i will do what i need to do. i will not sacrifice myself, my well-being, my happiness, entirely for others.

i am not a sidekick, i am not a doormat, i am not someone who is easily manipulated.

just felt a need to clarify.

as far as that good mood thing went--lasted about 30 seconds into when i woke up yesterday.

have gotten about three hours sleep. so tired. want to sleep. no real time. will nap. but should learn lines.

this picture amuses me far too much for my own good.

i don't know what it is exactly...perhaps a combination of things.

my overly insane schedule finally making me snap...watching, of all things, "josie and the pussycats", lack of sleep, some really fucked up drugs that were slipped into something i ate or drank...the fact that it is coming up on 3 a.m...

but i am in an amazingly good mood. and i don't feel like anything can put me out of that good mood right now.

i'm going to write my kirk mediation about the bachaae (without ever actually reading it, whoops), i am going to curl up in bed, and i am going to drift off to happy sleep. when i wake up, i am going to find something adorable to wear, i am going to go to class, and i am going to be in a good mood.

so there.

And if I'm quiet
That's cos there's nothing left to say
Yeah, if I'm quiet
That's cos there's nothing left to say
Red moon
--david gray

go here.

i'm going to give the performance of my life tomorrow during the runthrough.

my life is a mess at the moment.

fun times at 203! :)

there's nothign like having a bunch of fun people around that make me happy. yay yay yay...

after completing all of my work, i walked into class, set up my stacks of papers on my desk, and promptly felt like i was going to faint. i spent all of class in health services--curled up on a bed feeling like i was dying. i was: dehydrrated, exhausted, trying to function with no food in my stomach, and just all sorts of fucked up.

today has been hellish. everything is coming down on me, and i don't feel like i can get it all done. i don't know how i'm going to make it through the next few weeks.

i wrote my essay, i wrote eight responses to essays. all within the span of 16 hours.

i have a massive pile of papers next to me, all ready for class. 19 copies of my theatre essay, then two copies of each annotation, one which is attached to the essay itself.

i went to sleep around 4 last night when my body would no longer function.

i didn't think i'd get it all done, but i did. barely!

i'm psyched about my essay--i needed a really good angle that tied everything together, so i focused on louns. i like it. :)

tomorrow is supposedly my one stress-free day of the week.

mix in two talks with writing for media students (informing them that if they continue to procrastinate and not go to story meetings, they will not fulfil requirements for writing courses because we won't have enough stories at the end of the semester), driving the paper to the printer and making sure extra CORRECT copies of last issue are published so we can submit to competitions, learning my lines for arcadia, rehearsal and a budget meeting with dennis, dianne and paul, i don't think it will be a stress-free day after all.

at least the paper will (should, had better) look good.

this just in from the big blue house:

howie and jamie on tv
hey kids,
just wanted to let everyone know to set their vcr's on record on october 24. here's what's happening:
she says will be on dawson's creek (the WB - season premiere????)
i will be on street team tv (music choice - 10pm with pete yorn, this episode also features john mayer) www.streeteamtv.com
so be on the lookout.
word up.
love,
jamie

she says on dawson's creek.

i always said it would happen...just took a couple years longer than i expected.

heeheeheeheehee

paper's just about done. i'm just waiting for baz to get here so we can collect for output and then get the hell out of here.

looks alright...i wish some things had gone differently, but not much to be done about it now. and they are things that will drive ME crazy when i see the finished product on wednesday, but joe or jane q. public won't notice when they pick it up to read.

c'est la vie...just wanna go home!

AURGH.

nothing ever goes entirely right with the defender.

i don't understand how students can be signed up to take writing for media classes--therefore pretty much qualifying them as majors or at least minors--and not care about what section they write for and how the story turns out.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING JOURNALISM COURSES?!?!?!?!

most of the section editors were done with their sections by 9. i left around 10:30. i'm now going to start going over proofs, with the hope of being done by 1 so i can wake up to talk to writing classes and kick young writers' asses.

i think you could say it was a very surprising, but very pleasing defender sunday.

best way to deal with a sunday with defender...

why did it take us so long to figure it out?

oh good lord, what an insane weekend it has been!

i earned tonight.

so fucking fun. heaven, hell, and purgatory in the 3s. i'm not one to sit there and party just because eveyrone else is partying. i've been partying because i've earned the right to do so. and i'ev had a blast. i'd prefer to ignore what i've had to drink this evening, because it surprises/amazes me...we've done so well...

i've been a good girl all week.

NOW IT'S TIME TO HAVE FUN.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE...

i'm about to spontaneously combust.

too much...too much...i feel like i'm starting to flounder a bit. up to my eyes in defender stuff...i feel like i can't get anything done the right way and each time one task appears to be nearing completion, i look at the list of what i still need to do and it has quadrupled. so i walk about with my mind racing and, if i look at it all at once, i feel like i shouldn't be alloting myself the time to breathe, sleep or eat.

i thought i was getting a grasp on this whole editor thing, but it's so hard. i can't please anyone, everyone's coming up to me with problem after problem, i have to juggle it all, and i feel like i'm dropping everything. i'm supposed to be the one who has it all together, and i feel like the cracks are starting to show.

arcadia tonight. first rehearsal with everyone in the cast, first rehearsal with our new bernard (collin). it should be good. it'll be a good opportunity to break away from my fucked up reality for a few hours...

have to work on the ad situation for the pages sometime today, then rehearsal, then work tomorrow. then relax and perhaps even party a wee lil bit tomorrow night before defender sunday.

i just want ONE DAY OFF...

in other news, howie's site got a makeover...i like the concept behind it...color scheme is rather painful, general design things need some work (jesus christ, i am an editor, aren't i?). he actually updated the road journal (now "road news"), which was a pleasant surprise. special kudos to the "madrigals" theme to the site, especially for the "flash" photo under "music."

no time. must work. must not have a nervous breakdown.

quick summary of the weekend:

saw "serendipity" sunday. twice, actually. michelle and i went to see a matinee here, then when i went home, i took my parents to see it (mom really wanted to see it with me, and i didn't have the heart to tell her i'd already seen it--plus it was sweet that she saw the movie trailer on tv, thought of me, and wanted to see it with me). love it. something about a sappy romantic movie (especially since it stars john cusack) that makes me happy. i was also thrilled that "83" made it into the movie and the soundtrack, which my mother bought for me today. so what if we only met john twice and spoke to him for an hour and a half tops. it's thrilling to see someone i've thought of as a great little secret for almost a year becoming bigger. i feel like, in my own dopey little way, i was involved in the process. or something, whatever.

spending time at home was good. my parents are having a much harder time having both tom and myself out of the house than they let on. i was only going to be home for the night, but i stuck around to spend time with my mom today. it made her happy, and seeing it make her happy made me happy.

my house is so different...they cleaned out a lot of things and moved stuff around and bought new things...walking into each room and seeing it changed threw me for a loop. it looks good, obviously, but at the same point, in my own self-centered perception of things, nothing is supposed to look different. every time i come home it should all look just like how i left it. it made me sad, admittedly. but at the same time, happy that they're doing OK without us...but also rather sad. it feels like they're settling in for getting visits from us from time to time...in a sort of circle, i feel like my mom now, stopping in to visit my grandmother for a weekend, then heading back to my own life. it feels too early to be feeling this way, a sentiment i think my parents both feel as well. but then again, part of the process of growing up. adjustment.

i just had to run the recovery disk on my computer.

yeah.

so all my mp3s are gone. my shn's of howie, john, pmb...all gone. i didn't even think about the number of papers, emails, IMs i'd wanted to save. yeah, they're all gone too.

but in better news, WEST WING WAS ON TONIGHT!!! that show blows me away.

oh yeah, the printer fucked up the newspaper. some headlines got all fucked up.

i'm thrilled. can't you tell?

well, we beat the final time of putting the paper to bed from the first issue--by ten minutes...

i left the lab at 5:20 a.m. during most of the day, i was freaking out about everything--we weren't going to get it done, we weren't going to be able to beat the virus shit, we weren't going to be able to publish (i'm still nervous about that, but i'm refusing think about it)...but once 1 or 2 a.m. hit, a cool composure came over me. yes, the paper would get finished. in fact, the paper was going to look great. and i hit my zone--checking every nitpicky little thing to make sure it's absolutely correct. stuff i didn't think i knew. ideas about layout (which i'm really getting interested in--i took a book from the lab and will probably spend much of tomorrow pouring over it) and whatnot.

and i'm proud of this issue. not that i haven't been proud of the other two--obviously i have--but the stuff we have in this issue is tremendous. layout, the stories we were able to get, the lengths the staff went to to get them...i'm proud.

granted, i don't know if paul was just saying this to appease baz and myself because were were still there at 4 a.m., but i don't see why he would have said it if he didn't think it--there was no reason to. he said that he felt the first issue and this issue are award-winning issues. and when baz and i then replied wise-assedly about how we sure as hell better enter them in a competition this year, he replied right away that we would be.

hearing something like that filled me with excitement, adrenaline, and even more pride.

and leaving the lab tonight at 5:20, walking home in the chilly air (is it actually october???), i was filled with happiness, exhaustion (obviously), but again, the sense that, no matter how much i bitch about it, this is what makes me happy to do. and the thought of doing this for the rest of my life is pretty damn sweet.

i got home, saw bethy (who was half-asleep, silly girl), then went and sat on the front porch. the sky had changed ever so slightly from black to an deep, rich indigo, and it was beautiful to sit there in the silence (save for a car passing by on rt. 15 in the near distance) and realize what the defender staff does. well, we bitch, we moan, we curse people up and down, but we spend these hours preparing the campus for what they're going to know each week. granted, a great number of them pick up the defender to laugh at it and then cast it aside, or just to read campus speaks or whatever, but they look at it, nonetheless.

and my goal for this semester (at least, still undecided about the year-long committment) is to make sure they can't find a justifiable reason for laughing at the defender. i'm not going to allow anything in the paper to let them laugh.

how's that for motivation?

i have far too much fun writing kirk with the reasons i'm not in class--ever...

to: kirk
from: me
Subject: nasty RAM-eating viruses attack defender!
hey kirk--you know, i really should have thought twice about doing defender, if only because each week seems to provide a new obstacle...
this week's installment finds our heroine valliantly fighting evil Nimda viruses as they attempt to wreak (sp?) havoc on the defender drive...our production day was pretty much shot to hell, as i called in rick murphy from IT to save the day...
fortunately, our drive didn't have to be completely erased (which was a possibility), but it does mean that we have very little done for the paper. baz and i are going in tomorrow around 9 to get some work done on it so we don't have another 5:30 a.m. finish time...
i'm going to get all the notes from joe, and i'll be catching up on the work, ready to go on wednesday. if we can kick butt and get enough done in time, i'll try to get both of our shining faces into class at 10:30. if we can't, however, care to join in the war against computer viruses? we need all the help we can get...
sorry again, talk to you soon,
vic

it's so neat to go to the free press website and see my roundups in the sports section. granted, no one knows i wrote them, but i do...

comments about today:

- my throat feels so ridiculously raw. i've been coughing non-stop all day, and each time, i just want to cry. it is NOT fun.

- defender was attacked by the nimda virus today. the nimda virus almost won. however, i got on the phone with one of the IT guys (at home, i almost felt bad) and informed him that despite what he was telling me, the defender most certainly WOULD print on tuesday and therefore, hearing the semi-homicidal tone in my voice, he came over to the lab. i think it should be ok, we only lost one section (and luke printed it out beforehand, so at least he knows his design stuff). thank goodness.

now i must write the damn leahy story and polish my editorial before bed.