i'm going downtown!

i'm now going to bed on november 2. it will be the last time i go to bed as a "minor".

midnight tomorrow baby! hitting the bars...

my birthday has sprung up on me ridiculously quickly.

my thoughts and wishes will be going out to the LEAPers this weekend--HAVE AN AMAZING TIME!!!! know i'm sending you LEAP love throughout the course of the weekend (especially to my sponsor--the bazi girl!!!!)

g'night.

hehehe. i found a fun site that adds a dialect to pages. i thought this would be amusing to see. it was.

i'm finding all sorts of random sites today. bored me.

here's what i don't understand: person walks into user support with a problem. after deciphering what the problem is, i inform the person that i have to enter a request for an appointment so a technician can configure that person's computer to the network. person asks how long it will take. i answer that i don't know--it depends on the technicians' schedules, but we'll try to get it done as soon as possible. person says, "well, it's a simple problem, i have all the documentation right here. why should it take so long?"

first: if you have the documentation, do it yourself. i'm not a computer genius, but i've always configured my computer myself. it's not hard. just follow the damn instructions.

second: what difference does it make, how difficult the problem is? you still have to wait for an appointment.

third: i'm not a secretary. i don't know everyone's schedule. so give me your name and your number, i'll enter the request, and get out of my face already.

:)

hey, happy november. november means birthday. which means legal. which means me happy.

Hey little dreamer's eyes open and staring up at me
Oh little lonely eyes open and radiant

Wait until I come and I will steal you
Wait until I come I'll take your soul
Wait until I come and I will steal you
Wait until I come and I won't go

Darlin' dreamin in the night
Shadows on the windows
Lead oh and everyone go
Well leave me on the night
I will give you lightning
I will not relinquish light

Oh little dreamer eyes open and raving here

Wait until I come and see you little girl
When we come I'll leave with you too
When we come I'll let you come low

Hey we'll leave it all behind
Oh and then the nightmares
I'll fill them in good time
Oh they will seat your mind
When the light hits
And you maybe'll ask me

Why do you run around here
Why do you come inside of me
Why does it rip me out in dream
Why then why then watch this little fuck

Going away

Why this lonely
Why this lonely
Why this lonely love

Why this lonely
Why this lonely
Why this lonely love

Halloween
Carry on
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all
Bury all

And in this dream
Tell us are you satisfied with fucking

Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
I'm talking to you

Love is hell
Love is hell
Love is hell
Love this I'll tame you

Love
Love
Love
Love this not me here

Love
Love
Love
Love him up to you

i needed today desperately.

went to classes, came home and relaxed. i was the only one in the house for most of the day, so i cranked my speakers and sang along at the top of my lungs to howie, john, anything that was playing, even if i didn't know the words.

played my much-neglected guitar so much that my fingers (much in need of callouses again) ached. granted, most of it sucked (i worked on "watchtower", "she says", and "lover, you should've..."), but i was playing it. i had time to play it.

went to the defender story meeting, everyone was in good shape, so i left about ten minutes after writers started showing up.

went home, played guitar more, sat on the couch and did nothing, watched "the west wing" (IT'S GETTING SO GOOD! my one hour a week of 'much-see tv'), watched part of "the mask" simply because it was on and i was too lazy to change the channel...

i should have done work. every rational part of my brain was telling me to work on my essay for liz, figure out defender stuff, write, read, something.

but my body was perfectly content to just sit there for a few precious hours and relax. i think it was the longest period of continuous relaxation i've had all semester.

and as i realized this, i grew more content. and the rational parts of my brain grew quiet because i was content. i can get everything done tomorrow and friday. i needed today desperately. and i loved it.

so now, to continue my self-indulgent day, i'm going to bed early. before midnight. who would have imagined?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! :)

i will say rehearsal was interesting, to say the least. but exceptionally amusing...
aw, fuck it. i have to be an actress. i can at least be mature about it. it's part of the job. it's all good.

a couple of cars were torched tonight in the ryan lot. rob and i responded to it--i've got the start of a story, rob pulled through and got some pictures. i'm glad he came down for it--paul will be impressed tomorrow, and i feel more like an actual newsy newspaper for being "at the scene of the crime."

i ran some errands today, making a stop at barnes & noble. it was so nice to have some spare time to browse the aisles--although, for what seems like the first time in my life, i couldn't find anything that i wanted to read! i finally stumbled across on the road and picked it up--it was a staff selection with a little sign saying "read this while you're still young!"

so i decided to. :)

rehearsal tonight, then sleep? well, story ideas, then sleep. but it could, in theory, be an early night. yay...

oh, how much do i want to go to this??? i'm assuming we'll be going to my grandmother's in massachusetts for thanksgiving--i think i'm going to have to drag my brother to this with me. just reading about it makes my body want to explode with glee.

fuck. i need to sleep. i have to wake up around 8. fuckedy fuck fuck fuck.

finishing the newspaper. well, as much as possible tonight, anyway. have to share all of the news i've acquired thought--i'm so proud of my music boys!

- howie was not only featured on "dawson's creek" (she says), but also on the season finale of "road rules" (disco). and i'm counting down the days until he plays at smc (dec. 4!!!!)

- john will be on "conan o'brien" on nov. 9. john will also be playing in springfield, ma. on the 17th, and if things work out accordingly, a michelle, bethy and vickie combo will be in attendance--my first 21+ concert. i love being legal already--and i'm still a few days away...

the musical surprises of today make all the defender bullshit seem that little bit better. :)

i found a link to the 1000 journals project, courtesy of elizabeth. i love the concept. how impressive is this??? if you happen to find one and want someone to pass it along to, let me know.

it never fails. we lost our a & e page. bad file, the computer says. motherfucker.

but, in fine defender form, it will all get done. no matter how crazy we go, it will get done. it always has, always will.

i must get my story about colby put together, finish editing down the letters to the editor and then wait for everything else to get done so i can finish the paper tonight.

bleargh.

NAME ANALYSIS FOR: V.
V.:

You have difficulty getting emotionally close to others. You believe in live and let live. You are future oriented. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You are clever, inventive, imaginative and youthful. You enjoy socializing. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life.
Middle name:


You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You have a need to be up front. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can be quite inventive and quite curious.
Last name:


Take advantage of all opportunities. You must develop your creativity and talents. You are determined to prove yourself to others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You need to learn concentration and not to scatter your mental energies. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts.

from here

my first really sour smc halloween experience. i don't know what exactly it was about the evening, but i wasn't a fan at all. i think a great deal of it did have to do with the fact that i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off--normally, at least the week before halloween is dedicated to figuring everything out. this year, i didn't even know what i was going to be until i got home from work.

michelle, bethy and i went as smc cheerleaders--the only time i will EVER be seen in a cheerleader's uniform. i went through my high school years and most of college avoiding the pom poms, but it was fun to be silly and goof off. i'm not gonna lie about it.

today has been hectic. arcadie run-through followed by defender evening. i still have to go over the printed proofs, but it seemed as if things went well this week--keeping my fingers crossed.

tomorrow will be crazy. class, defender all afternoon (including trying to get my story written), then arcadia in the evening, then back to defender around 11 to finish everything up. i hope to be out of there, paper to bed by 1. we'll see.

i talked to my brother tonight--he's going to make a trip to burlington so he can see me saturday. it's going to be a crazy day--at midnight friday night/saturday morning, we're going downtown, then my parents are taking me to lunch saturday, visit with the brother, then have fun and do whatever saturday night.

it's so odd to think that in less than a week i'll be legal. it always seemed so far away--this pinicle i never thought i'd be able to reach. hmm.

anyway, proofs need to be edited.

today is most likely my last day as a clerk at the f. due to a number of reasons (mostly the aftermath of 9/11--damn you osama), the clerk program is being cut for the time being. i suppose in one respect it makes it easier--i'll have spare time on saturdays now, yippee--but i'm disappointed. much as it's a pain the ass to be working on a saturday, i love being here in the newsroom and covering all of this stuff. fortunately, my internship here is pretty much set--yay!--so i'll be back in january. but i'm still rather blue about it. the fact that i have a pounding headache doesn't help me at all...

t let me use his desk today, and he had internet going--so for the first time, i get to use internet while i'm at work! little things that make me happy. i've been working on my 9/11 fundraising story, utilizing a connection to my email. ah...technology is a grand thing.

patternson was playing my guitar downstairs last night (michelle snuck in while i was sleeping so he could use it--because he was going to tune it as well) and broke a string--good boy that he is, he's going to restring my guitar for me and tune it. plus, rumor has it he's going to play a song for me tomorrow ("yellow"--i'm so excited!). michelle and i were joking about how he should show up at rehearsal and play it for me there. i could just imagine kirk's face with that one...

speaking of rehearsal, i had a chloe breakthrough last night. i feel so much better about my part--i've been ridiculously nervous/in despair about it for awhile. i actually feel like there's a reason i'm there now. always a good thing, eh?

you can always tell when i have nothing else to do when i'm blogging non-stop...

rumor has it remy zero will be playing at higher ground right around the same time dispatch plays here. but i can't find any confirmed information about it.

if remy zero plays burlington, i must be there.

i'm exhausted, so sleep is coming early tonight. thank goodness...

liz, my creative non-fiction writing professor, gave me a welcome lift in the spirits today when i got back my annotations for my essay. i was walking on air when i left the class...

my parents stopped by briefly to give me groceries, halloween candy, and possible ideas for costumes, which i thought was amazingly sweet. my mother slipped a card into one of the bags for me--i found it when i got home from class:

this is a test of the emergency sanity system. this is only a test...hang in there.

my father included a roll of life savers. i called home later to thank them for stopping by and bringing me love, mom made a comment about how i'm almost 21, almost an adult who won't need her parents anymore because i'll be an independant woman (no destiny's child references, i beg you).

i assured her that i won't stop needing them any time soon. i'd go mad without them.

the improv show tonight was amusing--i played "what are you doing?" with everyone--i made chris improv winning a beauty pagent. hehehehehe.

now i need sleep. long day today, long weekend this weekend. blearg.

jen kelly one word one space was actually awake last night--so rather than get all of my work done, the four of us hung out in my room, laughing, talking, and laughing some more.

highlight of the night--"i'd rather be that tin thing he's screwing!"--pumpy

i walked into work today and eric told me he was supposed to beat on me. courtesy of my father. ??? he'd called, i wasn't there yet, he told eric to beat me up for it. my father and my supervisor conspiring against me. madness, i tell you. :)

my name is victoria. i am a senior in college and am preparing for the rest of my life.

i think of others and take their opinions into consideration. at times, i bend over backwards to make things easier for others. i have a difficult time saying no to requests, for example.

some call it a flaw, others call it a virtue. i call it a bit of both.

i care about what others think and what others feel, true. however, when push comes to shove, i will do what i need to do. i will not sacrifice myself, my well-being, my happiness, entirely for others.

i am not a sidekick, i am not a doormat, i am not someone who is easily manipulated.

just felt a need to clarify.

as far as that good mood thing went--lasted about 30 seconds into when i woke up yesterday.

have gotten about three hours sleep. so tired. want to sleep. no real time. will nap. but should learn lines.

this picture amuses me far too much for my own good.

i don't know what it is exactly...perhaps a combination of things.

my overly insane schedule finally making me snap...watching, of all things, "josie and the pussycats", lack of sleep, some really fucked up drugs that were slipped into something i ate or drank...the fact that it is coming up on 3 a.m...

but i am in an amazingly good mood. and i don't feel like anything can put me out of that good mood right now.

i'm going to write my kirk mediation about the bachaae (without ever actually reading it, whoops), i am going to curl up in bed, and i am going to drift off to happy sleep. when i wake up, i am going to find something adorable to wear, i am going to go to class, and i am going to be in a good mood.

so there.

And if I'm quiet
That's cos there's nothing left to say
Yeah, if I'm quiet
That's cos there's nothing left to say
Red moon
--david gray

go here.

i'm going to give the performance of my life tomorrow during the runthrough.

my life is a mess at the moment.

fun times at 203! :)

there's nothign like having a bunch of fun people around that make me happy. yay yay yay...

after completing all of my work, i walked into class, set up my stacks of papers on my desk, and promptly felt like i was going to faint. i spent all of class in health services--curled up on a bed feeling like i was dying. i was: dehydrrated, exhausted, trying to function with no food in my stomach, and just all sorts of fucked up.

today has been hellish. everything is coming down on me, and i don't feel like i can get it all done. i don't know how i'm going to make it through the next few weeks.

i wrote my essay, i wrote eight responses to essays. all within the span of 16 hours.

i have a massive pile of papers next to me, all ready for class. 19 copies of my theatre essay, then two copies of each annotation, one which is attached to the essay itself.

i went to sleep around 4 last night when my body would no longer function.

i didn't think i'd get it all done, but i did. barely!

i'm psyched about my essay--i needed a really good angle that tied everything together, so i focused on louns. i like it. :)

tomorrow is supposedly my one stress-free day of the week.

mix in two talks with writing for media students (informing them that if they continue to procrastinate and not go to story meetings, they will not fulfil requirements for writing courses because we won't have enough stories at the end of the semester), driving the paper to the printer and making sure extra CORRECT copies of last issue are published so we can submit to competitions, learning my lines for arcadia, rehearsal and a budget meeting with dennis, dianne and paul, i don't think it will be a stress-free day after all.

at least the paper will (should, had better) look good.

this just in from the big blue house:

howie and jamie on tv
hey kids,
just wanted to let everyone know to set their vcr's on record on october 24. here's what's happening:
she says will be on dawson's creek (the WB - season premiere????)
i will be on street team tv (music choice - 10pm with pete yorn, this episode also features john mayer) www.streeteamtv.com
so be on the lookout.
word up.
love,
jamie

she says on dawson's creek.

i always said it would happen...just took a couple years longer than i expected.

heeheeheeheehee

paper's just about done. i'm just waiting for baz to get here so we can collect for output and then get the hell out of here.

looks alright...i wish some things had gone differently, but not much to be done about it now. and they are things that will drive ME crazy when i see the finished product on wednesday, but joe or jane q. public won't notice when they pick it up to read.

c'est la vie...just wanna go home!

AURGH.

nothing ever goes entirely right with the defender.

i don't understand how students can be signed up to take writing for media classes--therefore pretty much qualifying them as majors or at least minors--and not care about what section they write for and how the story turns out.

WHY ARE YOU TAKING JOURNALISM COURSES?!?!?!?!

most of the section editors were done with their sections by 9. i left around 10:30. i'm now going to start going over proofs, with the hope of being done by 1 so i can wake up to talk to writing classes and kick young writers' asses.

i think you could say it was a very surprising, but very pleasing defender sunday.

best way to deal with a sunday with defender...

why did it take us so long to figure it out?

oh good lord, what an insane weekend it has been!

i earned tonight.

so fucking fun. heaven, hell, and purgatory in the 3s. i'm not one to sit there and party just because eveyrone else is partying. i've been partying because i've earned the right to do so. and i'ev had a blast. i'd prefer to ignore what i've had to drink this evening, because it surprises/amazes me...we've done so well...

i've been a good girl all week.

NOW IT'S TIME TO HAVE FUN.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE...

i'm about to spontaneously combust.

too much...too much...i feel like i'm starting to flounder a bit. up to my eyes in defender stuff...i feel like i can't get anything done the right way and each time one task appears to be nearing completion, i look at the list of what i still need to do and it has quadrupled. so i walk about with my mind racing and, if i look at it all at once, i feel like i shouldn't be alloting myself the time to breathe, sleep or eat.

i thought i was getting a grasp on this whole editor thing, but it's so hard. i can't please anyone, everyone's coming up to me with problem after problem, i have to juggle it all, and i feel like i'm dropping everything. i'm supposed to be the one who has it all together, and i feel like the cracks are starting to show.

arcadia tonight. first rehearsal with everyone in the cast, first rehearsal with our new bernard (collin). it should be good. it'll be a good opportunity to break away from my fucked up reality for a few hours...

have to work on the ad situation for the pages sometime today, then rehearsal, then work tomorrow. then relax and perhaps even party a wee lil bit tomorrow night before defender sunday.

i just want ONE DAY OFF...

in other news, howie's site got a makeover...i like the concept behind it...color scheme is rather painful, general design things need some work (jesus christ, i am an editor, aren't i?). he actually updated the road journal (now "road news"), which was a pleasant surprise. special kudos to the "madrigals" theme to the site, especially for the "flash" photo under "music."

no time. must work. must not have a nervous breakdown.

quick summary of the weekend:

saw "serendipity" sunday. twice, actually. michelle and i went to see a matinee here, then when i went home, i took my parents to see it (mom really wanted to see it with me, and i didn't have the heart to tell her i'd already seen it--plus it was sweet that she saw the movie trailer on tv, thought of me, and wanted to see it with me). love it. something about a sappy romantic movie (especially since it stars john cusack) that makes me happy. i was also thrilled that "83" made it into the movie and the soundtrack, which my mother bought for me today. so what if we only met john twice and spoke to him for an hour and a half tops. it's thrilling to see someone i've thought of as a great little secret for almost a year becoming bigger. i feel like, in my own dopey little way, i was involved in the process. or something, whatever.

spending time at home was good. my parents are having a much harder time having both tom and myself out of the house than they let on. i was only going to be home for the night, but i stuck around to spend time with my mom today. it made her happy, and seeing it make her happy made me happy.

my house is so different...they cleaned out a lot of things and moved stuff around and bought new things...walking into each room and seeing it changed threw me for a loop. it looks good, obviously, but at the same point, in my own self-centered perception of things, nothing is supposed to look different. every time i come home it should all look just like how i left it. it made me sad, admittedly. but at the same time, happy that they're doing OK without us...but also rather sad. it feels like they're settling in for getting visits from us from time to time...in a sort of circle, i feel like my mom now, stopping in to visit my grandmother for a weekend, then heading back to my own life. it feels too early to be feeling this way, a sentiment i think my parents both feel as well. but then again, part of the process of growing up. adjustment.

i just had to run the recovery disk on my computer.

yeah.

so all my mp3s are gone. my shn's of howie, john, pmb...all gone. i didn't even think about the number of papers, emails, IMs i'd wanted to save. yeah, they're all gone too.

but in better news, WEST WING WAS ON TONIGHT!!! that show blows me away.

oh yeah, the printer fucked up the newspaper. some headlines got all fucked up.

i'm thrilled. can't you tell?

well, we beat the final time of putting the paper to bed from the first issue--by ten minutes...

i left the lab at 5:20 a.m. during most of the day, i was freaking out about everything--we weren't going to get it done, we weren't going to be able to beat the virus shit, we weren't going to be able to publish (i'm still nervous about that, but i'm refusing think about it)...but once 1 or 2 a.m. hit, a cool composure came over me. yes, the paper would get finished. in fact, the paper was going to look great. and i hit my zone--checking every nitpicky little thing to make sure it's absolutely correct. stuff i didn't think i knew. ideas about layout (which i'm really getting interested in--i took a book from the lab and will probably spend much of tomorrow pouring over it) and whatnot.

and i'm proud of this issue. not that i haven't been proud of the other two--obviously i have--but the stuff we have in this issue is tremendous. layout, the stories we were able to get, the lengths the staff went to to get them...i'm proud.

granted, i don't know if paul was just saying this to appease baz and myself because were were still there at 4 a.m., but i don't see why he would have said it if he didn't think it--there was no reason to. he said that he felt the first issue and this issue are award-winning issues. and when baz and i then replied wise-assedly about how we sure as hell better enter them in a competition this year, he replied right away that we would be.

hearing something like that filled me with excitement, adrenaline, and even more pride.

and leaving the lab tonight at 5:20, walking home in the chilly air (is it actually october???), i was filled with happiness, exhaustion (obviously), but again, the sense that, no matter how much i bitch about it, this is what makes me happy to do. and the thought of doing this for the rest of my life is pretty damn sweet.

i got home, saw bethy (who was half-asleep, silly girl), then went and sat on the front porch. the sky had changed ever so slightly from black to an deep, rich indigo, and it was beautiful to sit there in the silence (save for a car passing by on rt. 15 in the near distance) and realize what the defender staff does. well, we bitch, we moan, we curse people up and down, but we spend these hours preparing the campus for what they're going to know each week. granted, a great number of them pick up the defender to laugh at it and then cast it aside, or just to read campus speaks or whatever, but they look at it, nonetheless.

and my goal for this semester (at least, still undecided about the year-long committment) is to make sure they can't find a justifiable reason for laughing at the defender. i'm not going to allow anything in the paper to let them laugh.

how's that for motivation?

i have far too much fun writing kirk with the reasons i'm not in class--ever...

to: kirk
from: me
Subject: nasty RAM-eating viruses attack defender!
hey kirk--you know, i really should have thought twice about doing defender, if only because each week seems to provide a new obstacle...
this week's installment finds our heroine valliantly fighting evil Nimda viruses as they attempt to wreak (sp?) havoc on the defender drive...our production day was pretty much shot to hell, as i called in rick murphy from IT to save the day...
fortunately, our drive didn't have to be completely erased (which was a possibility), but it does mean that we have very little done for the paper. baz and i are going in tomorrow around 9 to get some work done on it so we don't have another 5:30 a.m. finish time...
i'm going to get all the notes from joe, and i'll be catching up on the work, ready to go on wednesday. if we can kick butt and get enough done in time, i'll try to get both of our shining faces into class at 10:30. if we can't, however, care to join in the war against computer viruses? we need all the help we can get...
sorry again, talk to you soon,
vic

it's so neat to go to the free press website and see my roundups in the sports section. granted, no one knows i wrote them, but i do...

comments about today:

- my throat feels so ridiculously raw. i've been coughing non-stop all day, and each time, i just want to cry. it is NOT fun.

- defender was attacked by the nimda virus today. the nimda virus almost won. however, i got on the phone with one of the IT guys (at home, i almost felt bad) and informed him that despite what he was telling me, the defender most certainly WOULD print on tuesday and therefore, hearing the semi-homicidal tone in my voice, he came over to the lab. i think it should be ok, we only lost one section (and luke printed it out beforehand, so at least he knows his design stuff). thank goodness.

now i must write the damn leahy story and polish my editorial before bed.

a fun night was had by vickie. i got home from work tonight tired--happy that i got to do so much today (it felt like i got EVERY SINGLE call about a game--therefore 80% of the roundups in the f tomorrow are by yours truly), but exhausted nonethelless (why is typing so diffiuclt?), and my bethy was home. so we decided to go out to the moulin rouge socail (another shawn d. event--who can pass it up?). i had a blast hanging out with her--our schedules are both insane, but i love it when we do get time to be silly with one another. there's nothing like coming home after a long day of work (do i sound 35 or what?) and having a friend there to make me smile. :)

the funniest moment of the night was either 1) chris walking in in a white polyester running suit, complete with white visor work backwards and upside down or 2) chris pulling out every '80s dance move known to man. that kid cracks me up...ah, amusement.

now i must sleep because i have the fucking newspaper tomorrow.

personality test time...let's see the results:

i am, apparently, an INFP. what does this mean?The Idealist

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFPs do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

blearg. i've been tired all day, and defender has frustrated the HELL out of me.

jim jeffords and pat leahy came to campus today for a "town meeting"--if you want to call it that. it was mainly the two of them speaking, everyone clapping, five (yes, FIVE) questions from the other attendees of said "town meeting", then everyone clapping, then everyone leaving. i got a lot of pictures for the paper, and afterwards, i was trying to get an interview with the leahy man (shamelessly playing upon the fact that he graduated from smc), but so were a lot of tv reporters and, apparently, some guy from "rolling stone", in the ultimate of randomness...but he was gracious (extreme sarcasm) enough to let me ask him one question.

so glad the guy is willing to help out future journalists. it's a beautiful thing to see.

but whatever. then i had to cover convocation. i mainly laughed at the faculty in their formal regalia. kimberly walked by during processional and made a "why am i here in this funny dress and even funnier hat why the hell did i go through with getting my doctorate" look. i laughed, as did she. fun times...

and another day at the f tomorrow, all during which i will be sitting there with the realization that paddy casey is playing just a few streets away at the waterfront...and my luck they'll have all the windows closed so i won't even be able to hear. ALL I WANT IS TO HEAR RAINWATER!!!!

so instead, i'm adding it to my sleeping playlist. not much of a consolation. ;)

an amusing evening. "rosencrantz" in mccarthy--during which i realized how long it's been since i sat in one place for more than an hour watching something--which resulted in me wanting to fall asleep (someone beat me to it though...grr). why chris really calls me victory (hehehe), and then a few hours of roaming about campus, which i didn't expect, but was pleased to encounter. i think i made a mild jackass out of myself, but it's alright i think...whatever, i don't even really care anymore--well, i do, but what am i going to do? nothing. because i'm weak--or smart. but i think just weak.

only the second time i have experienced crowdsurfing in a house here on the lovely smc campus--fine holiday fun. but i'm exhausted (quality boone's farm mixed with lack of sleep makes for a tired me) so i think i'll just get the kirk stuff done tomorrow.

i'm such a fool sometimes. for example, sitting here grinning like a fool just because i heard someone's voice. why the hell does it make me so happy? it's not like anything is ever going to come of it, not like he'll ever even know, but i'm sitting here grinning like an idiot, nonetheless.

AURGH!!!!

my body seems incapable of functioning, particularly when it is required to get me to work at user support.

i need a day of nothing--a day of no responsibilities. i'm looking at my schedule, and it's pretty grim--tonight rosencrantz & guilderstern are dead in mccarthy (have to watch it for arcadia--this isn't bad, though, cause i've always wanted to see it), stopping by either ryan or meg's house before or after, tomorrow going to the town meeting in mccarthy, where leahy and jeffords will be, hopefully interview them, but take pictures of it and cover it for defender, then possibly swing by the "40s and wifebeaters party", saturday working (while PADDY CASEY is playing at the waterfront, grr of the big fucking variety), then making appearances at both the social and a birthday party, sunday defender (hopefully not until later in the afternoon, however), monday defender (hopefully not late, though), and then, finally, a day mostly free on tuesday.

today is thursday. how do i make it til tuesday?!?!?

i went grocery shopping this afternoon and wound up with new music to boot. i found jeff buckley--"live at sin-e" at pure pop and had to buy it--as well as travis' "the invisible band" because i've been meaning to pick it up. so now i have food and new music. yippee...

i'm tired and i have a cold. and i have to start writing my creative non-fiction piece for liz and i'm fighting the urge to make a jackass out of myself. AURGH...

alright, i'm a sentimental kind of girl. i admit this. i cry whenever i see "mystery, alaska." i cried my eyes out when i first saw "the little mermaid," and odds are good i still would cry (just haven't seen it in awhile).

but at the same time, i tend to hold back on the whole exuding mushiness and happiness thing.

but right now i just feel so ridiculously gushey and lovey and silly, and it feels so good.

*happy sigh of contentment*

oh yeah, paper's done. i won't be lovey and gushey on wednesday with the staff (but i'll feel it on the inside).

now i sleep. i must drive the paper to georgia tomorrow.

a conundrum, if you will.

it is 10:00. the sections should have been done hours ago. i am pissed off and exhausted, not even listening to john's show at paradise is making me feel better. i already made it clear that output is being collected at 11. i don't care what isn't done. it's not my fault, and we should not have to be in here for twelve hours on a monday. fuck that. i am pissed off and frankly, i've done everything i'm supposed to.

i am utterly exhausted--defender is kicking my ass today. but at least the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be approaching.

i have had some amazing experiences, but nothing quite like this past weekend. i know i normally spill my guts here, sharing my highs and lows, joys and sorrows, but i wouldn't be able to put it in words, even if i tried. i'll simply say that i feel happy, i feel loved, and i feel content.

and if you have a chance, go on LEAP.

tonight after the story meeting, i was shooting the shit with m.d. and we wound up looking through files of randomness in the lab--among the finds was an issue of "the michaelmen" (defender waaay back in the day) from november, 1960 (back when smc was still men-only) and a 1999 press kit for ani, a fantastic find! mike almost tossed it, i squealed and snatched it. something like that cannot be thrown in there with common trash--are you kidding me?

the michaelmen was an interesting find--seeing a newspaper so yellowed and fragile makes me realize that in thirty years, the one we just put out will be as well...hard to imagine, but reality...i found myself criticizing glaring a.p. errors--granted back then the a.p. rules were drastically different, if the paper followed a.p. at all--what can i say, once and editor, always an editor. it was a surreal experience to be reading about interviews with doc jacobs about his basketball team, when all we know of doc jacobs now is the soccer/baseball fields and a lot of plaques and pictures in ross...plus reading about buildings i've never heard of before and reading that banana splits and sodas were only thirty cents. it's a bit of good-old-fashioned-americana-nostalgia, so hard to realize that that's how things were back then, as opposed to us joking about how things used to be. it makes me think about when people come across a random copy of the defender years down the road, flipping through the pages, seeing our names, and being surprised that things the way they are now are absolutely nothing like they'll be when this random person is reading it.

bleargh. enough of my rambling. must do creative writing assignments and sleep tonight.

first defender of the year--*sigh of contentment* i got a little excited about it.

paul wants me to stick around the defender next semester. "if you want it, it's yours." i shouldn't, i really really shouldn't...but i have a feeling i'll be back in the spring. how can i keep away from this thing?

let's say a singer was going to play at smc. and i really wanted to see him or her play. of COURSE it would be when i might be IN THE FUCKING MAINSTAGE!!!

this curse is getting ridiculous.

i should sleep. i've been watching "notting hill" since rehearsal let out--hoping i could pick up on the accent. kirk's having us rehearse with it, and if i can get on that stage and bust out a british accent, my life will be complete. i'm thinking about falling asleep to the movie started over again as a sort of osmosis--i'll wake up tomorrow with a british accent that i can't stop speaking in.

what a wonderful world it would be.

i'm a very tired girl, and i'm afraid to go to bed because i know it'll be even worse tomorrow. but a few good things. 1) no call from the printer, so perhaps that means they didn't have any problems. which means the paper should look good tomorrow (TOMORROW?!?! yay...) 2) not too much work tomorrow

i was going to go over and visit with christopher tonight, but i'd promised myself i'd go to bed early. shit. i wouldn't have been fun anyway, i would have curled up in a little ball and fallen asleep. there will be other times to visit with him.

stood outside with a candle on the 200s mound with some other smcers at 10:30 tonight for the whole satellite photo event--i'm looking forward to seeing the picture to see how it came out. if anything, it was a wonderful idea, and it would rock my world if it was visible...we'll see.

elizabeth's ben folds concert photos look great--make me wish i could have been at the show (in case you didn't read my huge rant, i really wanted to attend), and i must say that any man who can wear a backwards baseball cap and play on one of those keyboard guitar-type deals (what's the official name for those, anyway?) and produce amazing music like he can automatically gets my utmost respect and adoration. rock.

i am now forcing myself to sleep.

JACK JOHNSON IS PLAYING AT HIGHER GROUND ON NOVEMBER 16.

i love seeing what searches on google bring up my site. this one is a personal favorite thus far.

All of us here want to extend our deepest sympathy to all of those affected by last week's tragedy in NYC, Washington,DC and PA. In addition our admiration goes out to everyone who came together and continue to work day and night in the rescue and recovery....... Nothing I could type here can even begin to describe how gut-wrenching this event has been for our country as a whole.....and for each of us individually, and I only hope we can each find within ourselves a way to move forward

We will have a donation area set up at the merch table for our shows starting Thursday in Boston, and we encourage each and every one of you to help out in any way you can......be it financially or otherwise. --shawn, howie's manager, from the hdtb

very cool, howie.

so yes, i'm exhausted. when the paper was put to bed, it was 5:30 a.m. this morning. yes. then i got home and caught some errors, went to bed around 7 and i went back around 9 or 9:30 to fix them. then put it to bed again, then went to the printer to drop it off.

i want to sleep so desperate--i took an hour-long nap which helped, i think. this morning i asked michelle to wake me up, which she did, and bethy checked in on me too. i remember next to nothing of the events, i felt like i was absolutely shitfaced. bethy says i was very funny in my borderline-dilusional state. billy best came into the house at some point to look for the donation jug, i'm told now, and he was worried that he'd scared me. i don't remember much of anything--from what he was saying, i guess i was in the shower or something. i thought i would have remembered seeing him at least--guess i didn't. whatever.

i'm happy about how it should come out when we get it back from the printers tomorrow. not happy about what's in it (how can you be?), but happy about how it should come out. very respectful, informative, and welldone. in my humble opinion. everyone worked hard.

this is my subtle way of saying if you have a problem with the paper tomorrow, do not tell me, because i'll rip your head off. :)

i have to relax for awhile, arcadia rehearsal at 7. i MUST stay awake i MUST stay awake...

16 hours spent in the defender lab working with everyone to get this paper going.

let me just say that i am so proud of everyone--it was rough going for awhile--ok, a great deal of the time--but it's coming together. it's not the type of issue where i'm going to sit back and want to celebrate its publication, but it is the type of issue where i'm going to be able to pat everyone on the back and say, "know what? this issue really means something. and we put it together. and we did a great job with it and we should be so proud."

julia roberts states in "notting hill" that "newsprint is forever." one of the reasons i love what i do.

on an amusing note, apparently i (along with my housemates, who rock my world!) am a member of the "student leadership of st. mike's." i still maintain that a key factor in this is the fact that i'm the face of the print journalism this semester (or year, depending on if i get suckered into sticking around bergeron second semester--or if i decide i want to beat myself up again--i mean, if i decide that i can't keep myself away--i am a sucker for punishment... :)

so tired. and kirk class at 10:30, at which i know i will be a zombie...

this is vickie. this is vickie freaking out. this is no editors in yet at 1p.m. this is vickie having made calls and getting really frustrated.

why the hell did i want to do this again?

tenatively speaking (since actual grading isn't complete yet), i'm only 9% dipshit.

this makes me feel better.

take it, it tickles me.

yes, alyx, i got it from your site. ;)

another reason i adore ben stein.

venting is about to commence. if you're going to say, "but vic, you wanted to do all this stuff," don't fucking read it.

everyone else is allowed to vent. everyone else is allowed to do whatever because they can and because i'm supposed to take the high road. and be better than all that. and pick up the pieces and deal with it all.

ben folds played in boston tonight. when i first found out ben folds was playing boston, i was so excited about going. his new albulm rocks my fucking world. it makes me laugh, it makes me think, and "still fighting it" makes me cry almost every time. so i HAD to be at this show.

but obligations interfered. opportunities that i really couldn't pass up. things that would look good on my resume. duties to follow through on, because if i don't, who will? so i didn't buy my tickets, and i didn't go. i went to my job like a good little girl and listened to someone talk off my ear about a stupid baseball team that i don't give a flying fuck about. so you want a story about your precious little team in the newspaper. i'm a fucking CLERK. i can't do anything. talk to ted. talk to mike. talk to anyone but me. just STOP FUCKING TALKING.

and i knew that if i went to the show tonight, i wouldn't be in any shape to get home in time for defender tomorrow. and i need to be there for tomorrow all day because i have to show everyone what to do. even when i don't know what the fuck i'm doing 75% of the time. so again, no show.

know what i did this weekend instead? i spent last night watching a movie hoping someone would decide to grace me with his presence. and when he didn't, i felt sad and curled up in bed watching another movie. keeping in mind that i had to be good because i had to work today.

and what did i do today? i worked all day, came home, went to visit people, had to leave early because i had to be in bed early because i have to work all fucking day on the newspaper tomorrow. and feeling like a lot of the stuff i'll have to do myself, or worse, i'll have to be all nice to people for doing things they should have already done anyway. like they're being so great. and it's not that i don't think they're great people, and not that they're not doing a good job, but honestly. it's so fucking hard.

i feel like i need to get out for a bit and just do something and forget that i've got these obligations and these fucking duties and whatever the hell else i could try to say to describe them. but i don't know what i could do or where i could go and i just tried to and i felt stupid for even trying and i don't want to burden anyone else with a hysterical vickie right now. and i just feel bad about it. and i feel like i need to just go out somewhere and scream or kick things or hurt things or whatever, but i can't. because it's not anyone else's problem. it's mine. because it feels like i took on too much and told myself that i'm stronger than i am. and that i just need to grin and bear it for a little bit and then it'll get better. and i know it will. it's just so hard right now and i feel like there's just so much in me that needs to get out somehow, but i don't know how. and that it's making me do less instead of using it properly and fueling myself to do more. and it's so annoying.

i'm just so annoyed. with all the bullshit. i just need to take deep cleansing breaths and remind myself that it's all a part of the process. it's growing up. it's just how things are. and i need to accept it and work with it rather than try to rebel against it. i can use my energy productively. "for good instead of evil." hehehehe...i wonder if this is how anakin felt before he joined the dark side?

at least i can make myself laugh. i'm turning to the evil side. sleep with one eye open. ;)

ah...venting can be such a good thing. now i'll collapse into sleep with the help of a john cusack movie. "being john malkovich."

venting is now offer, please proceed with normal existance.

a few hours ago, i walked back towards my house, every step echoing the thought going through my head.

STUPID! STUPID!

now i realize it wasn't stupid, because i was reading too much into a nice gesture and it wasn't stupid of me afterall. actually probably a good thing so i didn't make a complete fool of myself.

john provided the highlight of my night: "hey, heard from the james dean guy lately?"
me: "yes, actually, he IMed me on tuesday."
john: "weren't you two like..."
me: "we were talking."
john: "talking???"
me: "yes. talking."
john: "what was wrong with him?"
me: "well, for starters he's in rhode island, and other than that, all i really know is that he's a clone of a dead movie star."
collin: "what is this????"

hahahahahaha...

this comes from today's new york times. one of the best editorials i've ever read.

The Call

Of all the heart-rending stories that emerged from Tuesday's disaster, what resonates most, somehow, is the thought of those phone calls that went out in the all-too-brief gap between the first airliner's crash into the World Trade Center and the towers' final collapse.

People trapped in hijacked airplanes or burning buildings picked up their cell phones, or swiped a credit card through the phone on the back of a seat, and made a final call. Facing sudden death, they were given the chance to say a few last words to a loved one. Almost invariably, they chose things that they probably said every day — I love you. Take care of the children. Take care of yourself. The sentiments surely sounded inadequate as they were spoken, if only because they would have to stand in for a lifetime of words that could no longer be said.

In almost every human tragedy, there is an ungraspable gap between the ordinary, everyday objects that somehow become absorbed in it and the gravity of the event itself. Cell phones have become such routine, indispensable irritants in ordinary life that we forget the ways they have reinvented the act of conversation. Because of the informality that often arises from the frequency with which we use them, we tend to talk on them with friends and family almost as if we were together in person, saying nothing much, perhaps, in the unexpressed knowledge that the joy of talking together regularly doesn't require saying much. All that matters sometimes — and for some people Tuesday was one of those times — is the sound of a welcome voice.

Since cell-phone technology first came into common use in the past few years, there have been instances where someone trapped, nearing death, was able to call home and say goodbye. But there has been no instance like that on Tuesday, when so many doomed people called the most meaningful number they knew from wherever they happened to be and prayed that someone would pick up on the other end. Some were disappointed, and left messages on answering machines.

Nearly all the conversations that took place as the disaster unfolded would have been unmemorable if it weren't clear that the person on one end of the line was facing death. That phrase, "facing death," is a very old one, so familiar that we have forgotten how literal its meaning can be. Most of us face away from dying. That is part of what being alive means. But on Tuesday morning, an uncounted number of humans knowingly turned their faces toward death — even if they only meant to escape down the stairwell — and as they did so pressed the talk button on their cell phones. What haunts us in the aftermath is the silence at those numbers that have now gone out of service.

words cannot even begin to describe the experiences i've had over the past ten hours. i'm immensely proud to be a student at st. michael's, i'm proud to be an american, and right now, despite all that has happened, i'm feeling nothing but waves of love coming at me.

i'll describe later--i just need to revel in these feelings right about now.

MOTHERFUCKING BRAN'DO IS OPENING FOR HOWIE AT PARADISE.

the gods are STILL FUCKING LAUGHING!!!!!!

i heard back from clint. he normally works about two miles from the pentagon, but he was on his way to baltimore when the plane struck, so he was fine. and everyone he knows is ok--both in d.c. and in nyc.

still glued to the television--and since i'm at work, glued to cnn.com.

besides the fact that i've been watching the news constantly all day (plus figuring out coverage for the defender), i've also been getting in touch with people to make sure they're ok--jesse (who's in boston, but i didn't know if he was taking any flights or anything--thankfully he's fine), kathleen (who i know is ok but i just sent email to anyway), and yes, because i'm pathetic, clint--who i know really should be fine, but i was thinking of him, so i figured what the hell.

still hoping to contact tony, chris, get something out to jen & ben...

just look at this. so powerful, beautiful, invincible.

and now it's gone, and we'll never see it the same way again.

it is impossible to wrap my brain around. the sheer numbers alone--let's say at least 20,000 people work there (very low numbers i'm working with for simplicity's sake). that's ten times the population of my college. ten times the number of people in my hometown in one structure. and then to have everything change within the span of a couple of hours--it's unheard of.

add to that the pentagon, the rumors (some say confirmed, others not) of the stage department, the pennsylvania crash--i was staring at my television in utter disbelief.

it doesn't seem possible that something that's always (in my lifetime, that is) been there, something i look for regularly when i go to new york--something that is so identifiable to me is just up and gone. that there are people i know in new york, and i don't know if they're safe. that our nation's center for SECURITY was partially taken out by a plane--that they (whoever the hell they were) were ABLE to strike us so massively. it takes all of the perceptions of our strength and power and invulnerability and throws it out the window.

older people have always told me how lucky my generation has been because we haven't existed during an assassination like jfk. we haven't been through vietnam. we've lived in a time of relative peace (again, i stress the relative part). and i never got it until after i turned on my television and learned just how fucked up things have become.

and what's scary is that we have no idea of what's coming now. war? further attack? my worst nightmare and the draft? my brother is 18. let's say we go to war and they start the draft up again. i could not deal with the fact that my brother could be sent somewhere to die. WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. he and i are both at our schools, trying to get our educations so we can make names for ourselves and have a happy life. i don't want him shipped off to a fucking war. not to mention my friends...the people i've come to love...

this just makes everything so insignificant. and i don't feel completely safe anymore. hell, a few months ago, i thought nothing of wandering around washington d.c. in the afternoon because i knew i was around other people and i would be safe.

safe??? i don't want to get on an airplane any time soon. i don't plan on walking around anywhere by myself--so much for exploring like i love...my sense of comfort and safety has been ripped away.

am i overreacting? perhaps. i mean, i'm in vermont. not exactly a terrorist hotspot, unless they want to destory the cow population. but did i think i'd be in harm when i wandered d.c.? did i think anything when i walked with shawnalea, roaming new york city? did i think that when i went to the top of the empire state building in march and looked (as i always do) over at the world trade center that that would be the last time i would ever see it?

it's insane. and we're thrust into it--as observers, as family members, as friends, and, in my case, as journalists who have to cover it. i realized that in a year, i'm going to be doing this stuff for a living--and that scares me as well.

i know i'll wake up tomorrow and think it was all just a nightmare. but it's reality, and it scares the shit out of me.

but i know i'll always remember what i was doing on september 11, 2001.

jen kelly one word one space paid me a compliment about my musical taste this afternoon--i thought it was rather neat. :) i also gave riggott some names to check out for potential coffeehouse performers--gave him contact info for mr. mayer (think positively, at least hope for higher ground), also pushed the howie idea (like that's a surprise--but i'm not the only one interested in getting him back here!), and told him about ben kweller and virginia coalition. i've been trying to think of others who would be cool to have around--matt nathanson's interested in coming back, so i hear, which makes me incredibly happy, and who else? if i wasn't doing defender, coffeehouse would have been the sweetest job--i'd just about keel over in happiness...
there have to be more that i can think of who might be interested in playing there...

again, i feel the need to do the world a service, since so many people stumble across this little spot looking for howie day tablature. go to hdaee.net, there is a tablature area there, or the howie day trading board, where there is a musicians' forum. :)
i might put the links at the top of the page, just to be nice.

i am so sick of worrying about/getting confused about my schedule at user support. i don't do mornings. i hate mornings. especially mondays. add to that the fact that all of this is speculative "if we can't get someone else" crap and all i want is to work my 4.5 hours and be done for the week. i don't have time to deal with a lot of shit!

this was prompted by being informed that i was still scheduled for this morning and didn't realize it

WE STILL HAVE THE COFFEEHOUSE!!! which means live music will still be available on campus, which means i am a much happier girl. i'd been worried about it's future, now i feel better.

oh, i got rid of the guestbook, by the way. in case you were wondering.

thanks to my girls tonight. i'm sorry i was bitchy, but i really did have fun hanging out with you tonight.

oh, and kevin earned a gold star for the day by bringing me this. the first three tracks are good (as buckley obviously is), but hallelujah...amazing. it's been one of my favorite songs lately anyway, but this version blows the grace version out of the water. SO good. and soothing to me right now as i listen to it.

i know i get in moods where i'm whiny and convinced no one likes me and all that jazz. and i know it's normal growing pain (minus kirk cameron, but leonardo would be nice) type of shit, and i know just as quickly as i can get in these moods, i can also get out of them and love everyone. it's called being a Young Adult (whatever the hell that one means).

but honestly, it was so hard at the social tonight. i almost left early, and while i'm glad i didn't (because my girls rock and they MADE me have fun), it sucks to be watching everyone else running up and talking to everyone else or just randomly starting to dance with everyone else and everyone else seeming to have a fun time. and feeling like you're the only frown in a sea of smiles.

i don't want to be friends with a lot of the fake people. no matter how much i use them as an example, i don't want to be a part of Them. i dealt with that in high school, and i have been determined to not deal with it in college.

it's not the people that bothers me. it's the feeling of belonging that i miss. no matter how much high school was stupid (because we all had to get along because there were practically 12 of us), when things happened, i was right there in with it. i knew what was going on because i was there doing it. and maybe i was walking around with blinders, but it felt like people wanted me to be there in it, to a degree.

i have some amazing friends, and i'm thankful every day that i made the right decision and came to this school. i can just imagine elmira (oh wait, i'd rather not) or ithaca (competition ruling my life for four years), and i know that i wouldn't be happy like i am here anywhere else.

it just means so much to have someone come up to me and give me a hug and ask how i'm doing and really want to know. and people that i thought would always be there with that hug and that desire to know aren't there for me. and it's not like i want these people constantly coming up to me and wanting to know How I'm Really Doing all the time like some sick afterschool special. i just don't like feeling like i'm standing by someone in a crowded room and they walk away to find someone Better to talk to. and yeah, maybe a lot of it is perception. anyone who knows me well knows that i don't exactly have the highest regard for myself a great deal of the time. but i just don't have many reasons to think otherwise. if i thought i was Miss Thang or something, maybe it would all be different. and that self-awareness and self-esteem would radiate to everyone else and they would realize that they WANT to be talking to me because i rock their worlds or something. but i'm not like that. i can't be like that. i can be great at doing something--that's why i'm doing so much this semester.

i just have the hardest time in the world just being me. and that, my darling readers, truly sucks.

it is so ridiculously hot.

senior social tonight. drunken revelry that i could not partake in because i am not of the legal drinking age. grrr. but dancing was pretty amusing, except for being beaten by flailing limbs and being spanked by shaun d. you know, there are some things a girl just should NOT experience. i had a pretty decent time once i forced myself to not think about who either wasn't there, or once he was there, wasn't around...i don't know, there are just a lot of people in my class that i have no use for (or just downright don't like), and as the years have gone by, the group of them that i do like have dwindled significantly. and i'm not going to waste my time and act like i do like them, so i hang out with those that i do like and just whatever. does that make me a snobby bitch? perchance. does that make me any different from any of the rest of them? not fucking likely! it's a beautiful system...most of the time...;)

i had a fantastic day...my first day at the f went really well. there's something about being in an actual newsroom and hearing nothing but the clicking of keyboard keys and mouse buttons, broken by the occasional ringing and a game being called in. and watching them put together the pages, in glorious COLOR (as opposed to our black and white)...i know that i'm going to run out and buy an issue tomorrow so i can check out the briefs and see what i did. sure, it's dry and boring (they're briefs, they're supposed to be) and my name won't be anywhere in the paper, but just knowing that i did something that so many people are going to see is a cool rush.

alco-fuckin-hol...
ajklfjd;ajfieaiej;aejiaejo.
fun nite.

i'm more stressed than i realized. starting, in some respects, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i am truly, incredibly stressed. all day (once i woke up--missed kirk's class because my body refused to function) i have had my mind racing with what i need to do, when i need to do it, how i need to do it, who i need to talk to...and my body feels slight off-kilter because of it...i don't feel completely normal. too jittery. i tried the good ol' "keep your hand as steady as possible" trick and i failed. dismally. i'm never exceptionally good at it, but today, it's really bad. my fingertips are fluttering about, my wrist is moving, and my mind is straining, trying to get the damn things to stay still for even a second.

hopefully improv will help. but i don't know if i'm even going to have time for it once things really get going.

i just need to breathe and keep myself organized and i'll be fine. and lay off caffeine. ;)

i'm sitting here with greek tragedy beckoning (not like i want it to, but i have to read it for tomorrow), and i'm looking for a reason to procrastinate. so i look to my buddy list to see who i can IM to say hello, and i notice a friend from high school online. i start to type, but then realize i have no idea of what to say. do i say hi, just wanted to drop a line to see how you're doing? and thus open myself up to the akwardness of "well, we haven't really spoken spoken in ages now, we've grown apart" and me feeling stupid. my life has gone beyond that little box of marble in which i spent six years--but at the same point, why the hell not drop an IM? not like i'm ever going to see him, right?
but then again, how well did i even know him in high school? how well did he know me? and what does that connection mean now that we're both on different paths in different areas?
so do i or don't i? and why does this feel like such a big decision when it's random and stupid?

and then he puts up an away message with an angry face, thus making it clear that it's a mute point anyway. c'est la vie...

you go through college waiting to be a senior because all the hard work pays off and, while you have the impending doom of graduation and eviction from campus forever, it's supposed to be somewhat less stressful and a ton of fun, right?

whoever first said that was the case was A) on serious, serious drugs or B) was just saying that to fuck with your mind.

DON'T BECOME A SENIOR!!!!

i'm exhausted. i still have two stories to write about for class tomorrow, and i've read them, but my mind will not function. i have written seventy million people (so it seems) about various defender things, i have to call the blasted printer tomorrow, i have to talk to paul, i have to get my shit together for kirk for friday, i have to submit add/drop slip (whoops, day late, they can deal), i have to email the editing staff (and thus find out if i need to write a story this week), and i have to try keeping my sanity.

but i know i'm not alone. best of luck to the my fellow seniors in the quest to maintain one's sanity...

but now, i can't function. i need my bed. it's calling, and i cannot fight it any longer.

today has been a Truly Random Day.

more email from jesse (yay!), but also email from dear ol' laundry, live and in charge in chi-town. some of the random things in life make me pleasantly surprised.

got the job at the f. start saturday.

i've been doing a ridiculous amount of reading for my creative non-fiction writing. i need to spread this out a bit better next time. the shock of the night was that i actually LIKED a hemingway essay. i normally LOATE his work. but i guess i channeled his spirit (the fact that i mixed a screwdriver didn't hurt either).

but i'm exhausted and NEED TO GO TO SLEEP.

i could have predicted this last night.

i woke up late, ran around like a madwoman, parked right in the mccarthy "no parking" zone, ran to st. ed's, raced up the stairs, and was late for sue's media I class. so now i have to wait until the end of class, walk into class, and talk to these writers who really only want to get the hell out of class.

shit shit shit shit shit!

i will continue to listen to his music. i will see a show if he makes it to my area. i'll even go as far as to say i'll venture to boston or northampton for a show if my schedule clearly allows it.

but i will NOT feel bad for missing him over LEAP weekend. i will NOT worry about working my schedule around so i can see him perform. and i will NOT defend him against allegations of diva-ness when my friends poke fun.

nonetheless, tonight was funny as hell. embarrassing as hell, but funny as well. LMAO.

new words i've discovered thanks to london slang (and in case you can't tell, words i want to use from now on!)
"(Sir) Anthony Blunt - Rhyming Slang for 'cunt'.
arseholed - very drunk
arse-over-tit /-elbow - to fall over in a dramatic fashion
banjaxed - meaning drunk or stoned. eg "I feel really banjaxed".
beef bayonet - a playful name for penis."

more to come, i promise you...
and the quote of the night comes from drew with, "maury povich is the luckiest man on earth!" this was in regards to a discussion of women newscasters and their worthiness to masturbate to (to? is that the right choice of words? i think not, but i'm tired and don't feel like dealing). i KNEW there was a reason i was interested in print journalism...could i possibly stare into a camera now and wonder what's going on on the other end?

the random discussions that are just another part of life here at st. michael's...LMAO.

first rehearsal tonight--a read-through at our house. i'm exceptionally excited about it. i'm not going to lie about it, there's something about something as simple as a read-through that made me all giddy--for the first time, i'm actually supposed to be doing some of the reading. kirk is giving us all responsibilities--extra information to check up on and bring to the production process. he's highly recommending that we all read chaos, which i hope to do over the course of the play (as soon as i get my schedule somewhat settled). and my task as chloe is to bring a great understanding of british pop culture to the mix--as if that's not a dream assignment...

i need to write up story ideas tonight for defender (and hold my third meeting with writing for media students tomorrow--8:15 a.m. yeah, need i say more? didn't think so), and read aganemnon (i know the spelling on that is way off--just fucking greek tragedy). i think i'll fall asleep to notting hill tonight. even if kirk doesn't think we're going to use the accents (which, much as i wish we could, i view as a wise decision), i need to surround myself with everything british...more david gray! more hugh grant! more coldplay!!! travis too!

jesse is again in my good graces...email makes me exceptionally happy.

i'm sitting at work, watching the rain falling (all the more interesting because the sky is shining past mccarthy) when rick pops out of his office.

"guess who i just talked to," says he.

"i have no idea," says i.

"jesse," says he. it was about a job recommendation or something.

i've missed him immensely already--i'm trying to get in touch with him...damn "big brother" had better get in touch with me back...

i finally listened to the mp3s of mike olcott i downloaded awhile ago.

very impressive. check him out.

michelle and i both got parts in "arcadia"!!! i'm chloe, and she is jellaby.

revel! revelrevel!

and i've got people interested in the ad manager job and one of the sports boys might just be photo editor after all.

WHOO HOOO!!!!!

bethanie gets the gold star for the day for this picture i just stumbled across.

i'm doing anything possible to ignore this meditation for kirk. in case you couldn't tell.

there's something about opening up a text book for the first time of the semester that takes the novelty of being back at school away immediately. back to the wonderful world of the ancient greeks...

AURGH!!!!

it is so frightening to realize that it has been ten years since nirvana released nevermind.

i spent five hours in a lab today with paul working on programming quark to work more efficiently for the defender staff. we've got it now to a point in which just about any feature the staff could think of for layout--headlines, bylines, text, information boxes, you name it--are customized and available at a simple keystroke. in addition, things like byline, staff writer, and text are all done at once--type in the byline, hit enter, the staff writer font comes up, ready for typing, hit enter again, goes right into text. it's beautiful. and it's remarkably easy--just a matter of sitting down and figuring it out. paul told me that every member of this defender staff and every member of the staff in years to come owes me a beer. :) it made me feel somewhat better about being exec--i've been ridiculously nervous, worried that a potentially stellar staff could run amuck because i'm not a good, fearless leader. now i can hold my head a little higher.

my brother is officially a college student--having moved everything onto the franklin pierce campus today...he was adorable and called me, leaving a voicemail so i know he's doing well and will be fine. :) it disturbs me that my younger brother is in college--it makes me feel old...

i've received a few compliments on my audition last night, which i think was sweet of people to say. while i doubt i'll see my name posted monday, it makes me happy that people thought i didn't suck.

one of the worst feelings in the world is that of opening your mouth and not being able to stop what comes out of it. and then seeing the surprised look on the face of the other person and realizing that whatever justification you had for thinking those word was pure bullshit.

in other news...i'm noticing that some people are finding this via searches for tablature--lately the trend is howie day tablature. that makes me happy...and while i don't have it here (obviously), in case any of you come back, i can say that you should check out hdaee.net, one of the most comprehensive howie fan sites out there. it's where i look up my tabs, tons for howie's original work and covers, as well as a wonderfully designed site with concert info. and if that doesn't tickle your fancy, check out the howie day trading board--there is a special section for musicans with questions about learning howie's music.

that was my good deed for the day, so now i sleep.

i'm looking forward to seeing "serendipity," the upcoming john cusack/kate beckinsdale movie. i adore cusack, beckinsdale's pretty good, and while the plot idea is farfetched, i like the concept. i also felt a warm spot in my heart because "babylon" is the song associated with all of the trailers (although i almost miss the days when not too many people knew about good ol' dg--i don't want him to be overplayed and thus fade away into nothingness...), and i found out that, among other songs, "love song for no one," by dear old john, is also supposed to be on the soundtrack...

so...

callbacks were this evening. i was running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off, so for whatever reason, i wasn't particularly nervous during auditions. i'm sure i'm not going to get a part--people there were really good, but i tried my best dammit, and i'm proud of me for doing that. so whatever. i know i'm not an actress anyway.

other than that, i was supposed to go to franklin pierce tomorrow to help tom move in, but i can't due to defender. aurgh...